


Party of Four

by charmandhex



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: ...........Upsy......unfortunately, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, And Magnus and Angus dynamic, Angus solves Glamour Springs so what happens next, Canon-Typical Violence, Character Death In Dream, Lots of that good good Taako and Angus dynamic, Major Character Injury, Minor Character Death, THB meets Angus early basically, Temporary Character Death, What changes and what remains the same, who knows not me
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-11
Updated: 2019-01-28
Packaged: 2019-05-05 11:00:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 147,566
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14617008
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/charmandhex/pseuds/charmandhex
Summary: Angus investigates Glamour Springs and meets a wizard. Taako lets him tag along. Magnus and Merle are cool with it. It’s not like it’s going to be the start of a life-changing, world-saving, three-year-podcast adventure, right?





	1. Angus McDonald, Adventurer for Hire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How hard can it be to solve a cold case half your age? Turns out the answer is not very, if you're the world's greatest detective.
> 
> Angus gets a job. Taako exits stage right. Magnus takes a two for one deal. Merle picks a team mascot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Angus's investigation in this chapter covers what would have happened in Glamour Springs in some detail (specifically symptoms); I would not recommend reading that part if it's upsetting to you. I think for the most part you're good if you jump to the first break where it switches to Taako.

          This is not Angus McDonald’s first case. It’s not even his second, third, or seventh. He has a resume to rival the best detectives in Faerun, and it’s only made more impressive when you remember that Angus is only nine years old. So Angus is confident that he can solve Glamour Springs’s five year old cold case. The job is two-fold, in Angus’s opinion. He has to definitively determine what happened during the poisoning of Glamour Springs. And then he has to track down Taako from TV.

 

            To start, Angus knows that he needs to assess what information is available for the case, find the starting point that he can build off of. And the facts are these:

  * Taako from TV had been traveling around in a stagecoach performing his show Sizzle It Up With Taako for around five years before the fateful show in Glamour Springs, with no other incidents.
  * Taako had, at the time of the incident, an assistant. It takes Angus some time to find out who this person is, as their name -Sazed- was on exactly none of the merchandise from Taako’s show.
  * Taako prepared and served his 30 clove garlic chicken to 40 residents of Glamour Springs. His assistant did not participate in the actual show.
  * Per records, the poisoned residents had presented with vomiting, stomach pain, confusion and headache before dying.
  * Taako and Sazed drove off at the first sign of trouble. The stagecoach was eventually found, in a town over a two days’ ride away; it’s been more or less impounded in Glamour Springs since then to preserve any remaining evidence. Its two occupants, however, had disappeared quite effectively.



 

            For obvious reasons, Angus can’t interview the victims. But the sheriff, despite his reluctance to have a literal child on the case, still has a record of those who’d been at the scene and who he’d interviewed at the time. Angus is hoping that their memories are good.

 

            “Were you at the Sizzle It Up show five years ago?” Angus starts with the same basic line of questions for all of his interviews; it’s good to have everything on the record in an investigation.

            “Yeah, I was there with my cousin.” The tiefling nods. “Aren’t… aren’t you a little young for this?”

            “I can assure you that I am more than capable.” Angus tries to sit up straighter and look taller. “What can you tell me about the performance?”

            “Oh, that part was super cool; Taako’s transmutation magic was a riot. You know he did this thing where he got the skin off the chicken but then just, just transmuted it so the skin was back on? Crazy, huh?”

            “Was Taako the only one performing and cooking?”

            “Hm, yeah, his assistant, like, came out and set some things up to start, but I mean, it was Sizzle It Up with Taako, not Taako and whatever his name was. I don’t remember a whole lot about that, just kinda… that it happened. I don’t think I’d remember it at all if what happened hadn’t… happened.” Angus makes a note that Taako’s assistant Sazed, whose name he’d finally found, had access to the food as well.

            “Did you see Taako taste the food?”

            The tiefling tilts her head, considering. “Um… I really don’t think so? He definitely wasn’t throwing up or anything, so I guess not?”

            “Did you try the food?”

            “No, he said there were elderberries in the garnish, and I really don’t like those.” She fidgets. “My cousin liked them though.”

            “I’m sorry.” Angus replies quietly, pausing in his note-taking and pushing his glasses up his nose.

 

            “Were you at the Sizzle It Up show five years ago?”

            “Well, not most of it. Not really anything but… the end. I was finishing up a wrought iron piece -you know that’s really starting to get popular now, huh- and so I missed the actual show.” The Dragonborn blacksmith scratches awkwardly at their neck. “Probably a good thing, huh.”

            “Had the food already been passed out at that point?”

            “Oh yeah, well before. Everyone was basically already done. None left.”

            “So what was happening when you arrived?” It’s a struggle for Angus to remain impassive hearing this, especially more than once. He might be the world’s greatest detective, but he is still a kid.

            The Dragonborn shudders. “Sorry, it’s pretty upsetting to remember. A couple people were wandering around confused, and some people were kind of like, clutching their heads. And a handful had started throwing up. The smell was bad when I got there, and it only got worse.”

            “Did you see Taako or his assistant?”

            “They were like, throwing some things into the stagecoach? I… I should have stopped them. I didn’t know they were running away.”

            “Were they speaking at all, to each other or anyone else?”

            “The assistant wasn’t saying a word, but he looked nervous as hell. Taako though, he was like, mumbling to himself, and he looked to be in shock.”

            “Could you hear what Taako was saying?”

            “Not all of it, and I only remember because it seemed like a weird thing to be focused on at the time, with everyone getting sick. He kept muttering about elderberries and nightshade, like back and forth, like he was trying to figure something out. And then he said something about a mistake. I think that was when I went to try to help people. I didn’t see either of them again, and by the time that… they left in the stagecoach at some point.”

 

            Angus McDonald is a very smart, very precocious, and very persistent little boy, a combination which makes for one hell of a detective. And something about this situation does not add up. Angus adds to his list of clues:

  * Sazed did some kind of warmup for the show and wasn’t especially memorable. No one can recall seeing him afterward up until Taako and Sazed were running away.
  * Taako made 30 clove garlic chicken, which, according to the cookbook of Taako’s that Angus manages to track down, included an elderberry garnish.
  * In the aftermath, Taako seemed distressed, not like he’d intentionally poisoned 40 people, and focused on the elderberry garnish. Nightshade, which resembles elderberries, had been mentioned.
  * Interviews and records agreed that those afflicted had become sick to their stomachs and confused.
  * Nightshade poisoning matches the confusion described, but it’s not associated with the vomiting that everyone who was there mentions in their interviews. And not a one mentions a rash _or_ dilated pupils _or_ sensitivity to light _or_ a slowed heartbeat, which are characteristics of nightshade poisoning.



 

            Angus wants to get into the stagecoach to check for further clues. It’s why it’s still here after all. But the sheriff is also still irked that a small child was given the case, especially a small child who doesn’t seem to see just how straight-forward and obvious the case is. They simply need to track down that elf wizard Taako to throw in jail.

            After a considerably annoying conversation for Angus, he manages to get access to the stagecoach and the smaller wagon behind it. The interior of the stagecoach is coated with five years of dust and still has the vague look of having been somewhat ransacked. Angus figures that Taako took what of his cooking tools he could before leaving everything else behind. There is no trace of food left in here either; that was likely all thrown out. It doesn’t matter too much, as any berries conveniently left behind would have long since become too decayed to test now.

            The smaller wagon is equally dusty and considerably messier. Angus searches slowly and methodically through it all, until he comes across an empty bottle which had been haphazardly shoved into a crate along with other forgotten items to be left behind. The label indicates that it once held arsenic. The bottle is large; Angus can’t get both of his hands all the way around it as he turns it over a few times. Interesting.

 

            “Were you there, in the, um, aftermath of the Sizzle It Up With Taako show at Glamour Springs five years ago?”

            “That is correct.” The half-elf druid nods solemnly.

            “You tried to treat the poisoning victims.”

            “Yes. I actually specialize in treating poisons. But they’d ingested too much, and we got there too late. So we couldn’t save them. Any of them.”

            “What symptoms were they exhibiting?”

            “Mostly headache, confusion, and vomiting. Toward the end they were vomiting blood. Some simply died, and some went into a coma before dying.”

            “Could nightshade poisoning have caused it?”

            The druid looks at Angus sharply. “No, nightshade poisoning doesn’t cause people to vomit. Definitely not nightshade.”

            “Could arsenic have been used?”

            At that the druid looks more thoughtful, turning over the possibility. “Arsenic poisoning. I mean, normally you see that over the longer term, from contaminated water, but an acute dose… yes, I think that’s plausible.”

            “Could you test one of the victims today and definitively say that the cause of death was arsenic poisoning?”

            “Yes. Do you- you’re a kid? Do you even have the authority to do that?”

            “Yes. One more question. Can you show me so I can run my own tests in parallel?”

 

            Angus reaches out to a dozen different apothecaries located along the route Sizzle It Up With Taako followed on its last, fateful tour. The arsenic bottle that he has found does not indicate where it was purchased, so Angus has to cast a wide net.

            The apothecary several towns over is luckily a being after Angus’s own heart, having a sharp memory and extensive records. While some people do request that quantity of arsenic for their magical work, most are nowhere near as jumpy as the person Angus is looking for. Sazed’s name and shaky signature in the apothecary’s logs confirm the identity.

 

Angus concludes the research part of his investigation with a few last points:

  * The residents of Glamour Springs died as a result of arsenic poisoning.
  * Taako’s assistant Sazed purchased arsenic in the weeks preceding the poisoning.
  * Sazed set the stage, as it were, setting out Taako’s ingredients while he engaged, not very memorably, with the audience.
  * Sazed was -and is- conclusively involved and at fault for the deaths. Murders.



            A question that still remains though, is if Taako actually knew what he served. Interviews indicate that the elf thought that everyone was poisoned with nightshade and that he made a mistake, transmuting the elderberry garnish to the toxic berry. Could Taako from TV be innocent? At this point in the investigation, there is only one way to find out: Angus McDonald has to talk to Taako.

 

* * *

 

            Neverwinter, Taako decides as he stares down at the very beige plate of food before him, really needs to improve its food scene. Unfortunately, a hostile takeover of the kitchen isn’t exactly in keeping with a low profile, so Taako is good, or at least good enough, out here. Obviously, transmuting the food isn’t even remotely on the mildly sticky table. The gnome bard sitting nearby plays something on a recorder of all instruments. Taako briefly considers using mage hand to throw said recorder across the room before returning to poking at the somewhat ambiguous protein. He’s never gotten the appeal of bards.

            “Excuse me, sir?” Taako looks up to see a very small, very fancy human boy in front of him. The boy pushes his glasses up his nose. “Would you by chance-”

            “Save it, kid; Taako’s not gonna be buying any, uh, Fantasy Cub Scout popcorn.”

            “I’m not a Fantasy Cub Scout, sir, but thank you for confirming that you are Taako. And that is Taako from TV, correct?”

            At this Taako’s eyes narrow suspiciously. “Fuckin’, what do you _actually_ want?”

            “Well, sir, my name is Angus McDonald. I’m the world’s greatest detective, and I’m investigating what happened in Glamour Springs five years ago.”

            Taako’s reaction is immediate, jumping to panic and looking for a way out. “That’s- that’s- Uh, so this food pretty much sucks, and I’m gonna, uh… go.”

            “Pardon the language, but I think the fuck not, sir.”

            “And why-” Taako stands up, alternating between staring down at the kid and looking for the nearest exit.

            “Sir, I’m a very small boy, and I can scream very loudly and attract a lot of unwanted attention very quickly. Also, I’m not here to arrest you. Probably.”

            Taako snorts. “Yeah, right.” But Angus rolls high on his persuasion check, and Taako reluctantly sits again. Angus smiles widely and sits at the table across from him. “Not much to investigate though, right? Nightshade poisoning’s pretty uh, uh, open and shut.”

            Angus watches Taako, whose ears pull back. Shit is surprisingly unnerving. “Five years ago, 40 residents in Glamour Springs died of arsenic poisoning after tasting your 30 clove garlic chicken at your show Sizzle It Up With Taako.” The words hit Taako in the stomach like a punch, but they’re also wrong.

            Taako looks askance at the boy in front of him. World’s greatest detective? Not hardly, not when you get something fundamentally wrong about your case. Who even trusted a kid this tiny with something like this? “No, kid, it was def- definitely nightshade. Only, uh, only thing that coulda happened. Cha’boy transmuted elderberries into fuckin’ nightshade. Not arsenic.”

            “No, sir, that’s not- I did the tests myself.”

            “Then you made a mistake. You’re like five, so I get it. But mistakes… were made.”

            “No, I did not. And I’m nine. It was clearly arsenic poisoning.” Angus huffs.

            “But, listen, kid, I wouldnta transmuted _anything_ into arsenic. No fuckin’ way I got arsenic in the chicken.”

            Angus raises his eyebrows pointedly. “So someone else did.”

            “Yeah, right, kid, _no one_ else had access to that but m-” Taako stops, eyes wide and ears pulled even further back. “Sazed.”

            “Your assistant.” Angus nods. “Did you know?”

            “Fuck, of course I didn’t know… I would never… fuck. Why the fuck would he do that? Why would anyone do that? Sazed fuckin’ poisoned 40 fuckin’ people, and I…” Taako stops before slouching, curling in on himself. “Fuck, can’t prove it anyway.”

            Taako avoids the kid’s stare until Angus pulls out a few papers from his bag, pointing out a specific line. Taako reads it once before it clicks. His eyes widen, and he hears roaring in his ears as he reads again and again a few simple words that can be used to actually prove his innocence. “When my interviews and tests indicated that the cause of death was arsenic poisoning, I reached out to the apothecary in Glamour Springs and then the last ten towns you had performed in. Luckily, someone nervously buying that much arsenic is memorable even five years later, and more luckily, the apothecary kept detailed notes.”

            Taako sputters indignantly. “If you, if you had the _literal fuckin’ receipts_ , why didn’t you just say?”

            Angus shrugs. “Needed to confirm whether or not you knew, sir. Sazed’s name in the apothecary’s records only implicated him and didn’t necessarily exonerate you. Your reaction, plus the fact that you failed the Charisma saving throw for against the Zone of Truth the bard at the next table cast, however, does exonerate you.” They both glance over and the same gnome bard gives a cheerful wave before draining the rest of their drink.

            Taako leans back in his chair, ears now twitching in annoyance, but he is still very much in shock over learning that he isn’t directly responsible for the deaths of 40 people. And that he can prove it. “So, what now?” He crosses his arms. “You gonna, uh, just go tell them I didn’t… Sazed was the one responsible?”

            “Actually, sir, my next step is to find Sazed, and… and bring him to justice.” Angus says proudly.

            Taako gives an unimpressed snort. “Yeah, uh, _how_? How’s a seven year old gonna track him down and, what, bring him back to Glamour Springs?”

            “I’m nine. And I found you, didn’t I?” Angus asks pointedly. “Got you to sit and listen and everything.”

            “…Fair.”

            “To your point, though, I’m planning on finding him and getting the help of the local sheriff or militia or whoever to bring him in.”

            “Uh huh, right, right, right. Listen. Here’s a crazy idea.” Taako drums his fingers on the table and grimaces when they hit an especially sticky spot. “You want to find and nab Sazed. _I want_ you to find and nab Sazed. And not to cast aspersions or whatever on whoever you’re asking for help, but… I’m Taako. From TV.”

            Angus nods eagerly. “Yes, sir! That would be wonderful! I could… you could get Sazed to confess!”

            “Well, cha’boy was thinking more along the lines of magic-missile-ing his ass, but…” Taako trails off, shrugging. “Whatever, uh, whatever floats your boat, Angus. So, homie, you got a plan?”

 

* * *

 

            Sazed is easier to track down than Taako; Angus has it managed in a few days. He is actually in Neverwinter as well, currently working for a fairly notable bard. At the news, Taako scoffs, disgusted, and says, “Hope he doesn’t murder their audience too.”

            But Sazed being local is nothing if not convenient. It allows Angus to call in a few favors with the Neverwinter militia. They certainly owe him, and Angus gets a meeting with the captain easily. Angus quickly explains to her that he is there for the person who poisoned 40 people in Glamour Springs while Taako hovers, bouncing around and avoiding eye contact with the captain. She on the other hand periodically glances at him, a strange look on her face.

            “And you’re certain that this… Sazed is the person responsible?” Angus knows that this isn’t a jab at his abilities. He’s worked with the Neverwinter militia too many times for them to doubt his competency. Much.

            He is about to reply when Taako snorts, poking around at a map. Angus notices he is determinedly avoiding Glamour Springs and instead poking at some mountains near a town called Phandalin. “Kid did a better job in, uh, five minutes than Glamour Springs did in five years, so, uh, yeah he’s sure.”

            “I’m sorry, _and you are_?” The captain sharply asks Taako, who reluctantly turns to face her.

            “…Justin! I’m Justin.” Taako blurts, ears pulling back, and, really, Angus knows Taako is a better liar than that. “I, uh, Agnes here interviewed me about the case, and I wanted to… help.” Taako says the word as if unfamiliar with the concept.

            “Er, Justin here knows Sazed, ma’am. I think that if confronted with facts from someone who was… there, he’ll confess. The case is already solid, captain, but the Glamour Springs city council didn’t want to drag this out.” Angus explains, pushing his glasses further up his nose. He doesn’t enjoy lying, but it doesn’t seem unreasonable that Taako doesn’t want to use his real name until it is formally cleared. Luckily, the captain accepts that, albeit begrudgingly, and Angus moves on to his plan.

            They go to the theater well before the night’s show but late enough in the day that Sazed will be there preparing. Everything is ready. Angus has discussed with Taako the need to get Sazed to unequivocally confess. He has triple-checked the recording spell on the enchanted stone in Taako’s pocket. He has two officers from the Neverwinter militia waiting with him in the wings in case Sazed reacts badly. And Sazed is indeed there, going over lighting and stage cues backstage.

            “Sazed.” Taako calls, striding across the stage, cloak flapping behind him as he goes. Angus is fairly sure that he chose the dramatic outfit deliberately. Sazed looks up, startled, and even from his place hiding in the wings, Angus can see as he pales when he makes eye contact with Taako.

            “T-Taako.” Sazed chokes out, looking around just as frantically as Taako had when Angus had told him that he was investigating Glamour Springs. It’s quiet, but Angus can hear perfectly clearly over the Stone of Farspeech he’s holding.

            “Why’d you do it, Sazed?” Taako asks, and Angus feels a small seed of worry in his stomach because when did Taako pull out his wand? “Why’d you fuckin’ do it?”

            “I- I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

            “Bull _shit_ , you know _exactly_ what I’m talking about, homie.” This… well, it’s not going exactly as Angus planned, but maybe this is just how Taako works. Maybe he thinks that scaring Sazed into a confession is the best approach. Maybe.

            “I- you didn’t let me in on the show. I- I didn’t think it’d go that far.”

            Taako ignores the question. “You put poison in my food, and 40 people died. I might be a simple idiot wizard, but I can see how that tracks.” Come on, Taako, he has to actually confess to it. Angus wills Taako to get Sazed to tell the truth. “How’d you get it in there without me knowing?”

            “I… I put the arsenic in before I set everything up. You didn’t taste anything!”

            Taako nearly spits, “Fuck, it still woulda been served before I started puking like everyone else there.”

            Sazed draws a shaky breath. “You didn’t let me in on the show. I was good enough for it. I could have had _my own_ show. You took me for granted, and I made you regret it. You even thought it was your stupid transmutation and nightshade. How did you find out?”

            “Fuckin’ arsenic and nightshade do different things, you murdering piece of shit.” Taako says coldly. And then he casts Magic Missile.

            Everything happens very quickly. Sazed is knocked on his ass, but luckily for him, Taako only rolled a two for damage on each missile. Taako is undeterred and goes to cast again. Angus rushes forward to stop him. The two guards go to Sazed, either to make sure he isn’t dead or to arrest him for murder, Angus doesn’t have the time to note. He’s focused on Taako.

            “Sir, he confessed! We’re done now!” Angus typically makes smart decisions. Getting between an angry wizard and the target of his fury likely isn’t one of them. That being said, he stands firm, staring Taako down. “You’re not a murderer!”

            “You don’t know that.” Taako speaks quietly, still trying to get around Angus without actively bowling him over.

            “Sir, I’m trying to clear your name and get justice for the victims. Murder isn’t justice!” Taako hesitates. “Please, sir!” Angus pleads, upset. This is not how it was supposed to go.

            Taako sighs and speaks, still quietly. “Fine.”

            The officers end up calling their captain in, given the fact that Taako attacked the suspect. She looks over the scene but almost looks like she was expecting much worse. There wasn’t even any real damage to the theater itself, just Sazed.

            Angus plays the recording for her, and she doesn’t look surprised when Sazed calls “Justin” Taako. She directs the officers to officially take Sazed into custody for transfer to Glamour Springs and, with little more than a single stern look, gets Angus and Taako to cautiously follow her back to the Neverwinter militia station.

            “So, Taako, as far as Neverwinter is concerned, we have no cause to take you into custody. You’re innocent of the crime that Glamour Springs accused you of, and your former associate will be no worse for the wear after a long rest. Once we’re done, you’re free to go. Though I imagine you’ll accompany Angus to Glamour Springs to ensure they know of your innocence as well.” You can practically see the weight fall off of Taako’s shoulders. “Angus, we’ll help however you need to relocate Sazed. As always, great job, kid.” She claps a hand on Angus’s shoulders, and he almost buckles.

            “Thank you, ma’am. I -we- greatly appreciate your help in this matter.”

            She nods, before turning back to Taako. “Um, also, could you… could you sign this?” The captain hands a book to Taako, which Angus recognizes as a copy of that same cookbook he tracked down earlier in the investigation. “I’ve been a fan since your show here in Neverwinter.” She almost mumbles, turning faintly red.

            Taako is so surprised that his eyebrows have nearly taken up residence in his hairline. “Uh, uh, sure. What’s your name again?” And he signs it for her, with a note thanking her for not arresting him when she recognized him the first time he walked into her office.

 

* * *

 

            With everything squared away and the case finally wrapped up, Angus comes out of the Glamour Springs sheriff’s office and is surprised to see Taako lounging outside. “I thought you’d be leaving immediately, sir, now that your name has been cleared officially.”

            “Cha’boy had to make 100% sure you did it right.” Taako shrugs, but his ears twitch. “So, uh, where, where you goin’ now, kid? Gonna go tell someone else they didn’t actually murder 40 people in cold blood? What’s, uh, what’s next?” Taako’s tone and demeanor are casual, almost apathetic, but his eyes are surprisingly searching. When Angus meets them, Taako looks away, up at the blue sky above. Despite the hour, both moons are clearly visible.

            “Well, I guess I’m… going back to Neverwinter? I’m sure the militia has another job for me. And I should probably apologize again for, uh, what happened at the theater.” Angus wonders why Taako is even asking.

            “You know, I could _let you_ come back with me. You know, pay you back, sorta, cause even though I didn’t do anything, it’s cool for cha’boy to not, uh, not have to worry about a murder rap. And I’m, uh, headed there anyway. Sorta. Gotta make a few pit stops along the way.”

            “Sir-” Angus starts, ready to politely decline and go straight back to whatever work is waiting for him. Taako is certainly... interesting, but so are mysteries. And mysteries don’t usually snatch his Caleb Cleveland, Kid Cop books out of his hands while he’s reading.

            “I mean, if you gotta get back to your parents or family or whatever, that’s cool. Taako’s more than good on his own.” Oh. There it is. Taako has apparently figured it out. How, Angus isn’t sure. Then again, most sensible parents would not be inclined to let their child solve mysteries and track down murderers and villains, no matter how quick-witted a child they might be. The real mystery for Angus is _why_ Taako is making the offer. But neither of them is going to talk about it. Angus pushes his glasses up his nose, thinking, but Taako plows on ahead, steamrolling over any hint of a discussion pertaining to feelings. “But if you’re bored or whatever… might even, uh, have some stuff for a detective to do, if you think you can handle adventuring too.” His ears twitch again.

             Angus opens and shuts his mouth once, twice. And he considers it. Sure, Taako has played a couple goofs on him since Angus met him in that tavern and he isn’t all that polite or friendly (Angus isn’t sure he’s even seen Taako ask someone’s name when they meet). And they only met because Angus was investigating whether or not Taako intentionally killed a lot of people. But… but he’s much kinder than he lets on. He cares more, as evidenced by asking Angus if he wants to go with him, rather than just disappearing once everything settled. Angus makes a decision. “I guess… Being an adventurer does sound like a cool gig. For a while. And good experience for solving mysteries. And adventurers get to help people and make the world a better place.” He tries to sound as casual about it as Taako does. It doesn’t work. “All right, sir, where are we headed first?”

 

* * *

 

            Some time later, but far later than Angus initially thought it’d be, Taako and Angus actually _are_ back in Neverwinter, meeting with two people that Taako found on Craig’s List about working together for a few jobs. Nothing long term, of course, Taako doesn’t _do_ that, but having a meat shield and a competent healer around would certainly make some jobs easier for Taako.

            Introductions, however, are invariably uncomfortable, for everyone involved.

             The human fighter speaks as soon as everyone is seated. “Hello, I’m Magnus Burnsides. I’m from Raven’s Roost, and I’m a carpenter, but-”

            “My dude, save the backstory for like…. 48 episodes.” Taako cuts him off, waving a hand, bored already. “I’m Taako, from TV. Famous chef and baller wizard. And my kid-”

            “I’m Angus McDonald.” Angus opens his book, apparently bored of the conversation.

            The dwarf speaks up last. “I’m Merle Highchurch, and I’m a cleric of Pan. And I don’t… I’m not good with kids.” He looks at Angus pointedly. Angus pointedly ignores it, pushing his glasses up his nose as he reads.

            Magnus meanwhile looks between Taako and Angus. “Uh, Taako, right, why is your kid human? And looks nothing like you?”

            Taako lets out a long-suffering sigh before turning to look at Angus. “Hey, Agnes, sorry you had to find out this way, but you’re adopted.”

            “Thanks, sir. Always a good goof.” Angus turns the page of his Caleb Cleveland novel, seemingly not paying attention. In actuality, Taako knows that he is paying very close attention to the fighter and cleric Taako is theoretically going to be working with. And that he has read this particular novel several times before. Taako asks himself why he knows this, ears twitching at the thought, before brushing it off.

            Merle lets out a hrmph and then grumbles, “As long as he doesn’t get in the way.”

            “Ango would never.” Taako puts a hand to his chest in mock offense. “Okay but he gets in the way all the time. Usually useful though, little shit. Tell them, homie.” Goodness knows Taako isn’t going to explain why Angus is even here. No thanks, you must be level 10 to unlock that section of Taako’s Tragic Backstory™ ™ ™.

            “Thanks so much, sir.” Angus replies, deadpan. “I’m the world’s greatest detective. And I’m an adventurer right now.”

            “He’s like six though,” Magnus blusters incredulously, gesturing with a hand in Angus’s general direction. Merle still looks a mix between annoyed and mildly uncomfortable. “Six year olds shouldn’t be detectives _or_ adventurers.”

            “I’m nine,” Angus shoots back.

            Both Merle and Magnus continue to stare. “How does a kid get to be a detective? Or an adventurer? Aren’t there fantasy child labor laws against this? We can’t be fighting gerblins or dragons in a dungeon and be worried about a kid getting hurt.”

            “I can handle myself, sir.” Angus shows off his pocket crossbow momentarily, turning another page as he goes.

            “Kid stays, or cha’boy goes,” Taako drawls. “Your pick, homies. I’m sure you don’t need a badass wizard if you don’t want a boy detective.”

            “I… I guess? If that’s the deal. Okay then?” Taako gets the feeling that Magnus doesn’t usually stop long enough to have doubts about anything.

            Merle, however, slams his hands on the table. “He can be the team mascot!” He says triumphantly.

            “There’s no team.” Taako says flatly.

            “I would prefer not,” Angus says, closing his book.

            “Hell yes!” Magnus grins, high-fiving Merle, immediately brightening at the prospect.

            Taako is starting to think that working with other people is going to be rather more complicated than originally anticipated.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, no set schedule for updates currently (as my life is in the middle of being upended and will be for at least two months); they'll likely be a bit on the sporadic side. Ideally I'd like a chapter every two weeks, so we'll see how that goes. I'm planning on covering the entirety of the Balance arc right now, but I can't say how much space I'll devote to each chapter since I don't currently know how far some of them will differ from the original. I'll be updating tags with chapters.
> 
> I'm also charmandhex on tumblr if you want to chat about all things TAZ.


	2. Angus McDonald, Cart-Sitter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s all fun and gerblin-slaying (okay, AND inaccurate job descriptions, the ethics of bringing a child into excessively dangerous situations, excessively dangerous situations, and magic umbrellas) until the job goes up in flames. Literally.
> 
> Magnus faces an ethical dilemma. Taako holds a grudge and an umbrella. Merle uses his spell slots. Angus notices something odd.

            Angus is beginning to wonder if all adventures really do start in taverns. He met Taako in a tavern, he met Magnus and Merle in a tavern, and now he’s with the three adventurers sitting across the table from a taciturn, gravelly-voiced dwarf who Merle professes to be his cousin, _in a tavern_.

            Said cousin goes by the name of Gundren Rockseeker, and he offers the three - _four_ , thank you very much- of them a job that he promises will be the last job that they’ll ever need to take. Angus is automatically suspicious. He’s certain that his… acquaintances… are as well. Anyone can offer that kind of job, and in fact adventurers get those sorts of requests quite often. It rarely pans out.

            But Gundren seems equally skeptical of the three - _four_ \- of them, so they’ve got a kind of trial run job first. They’ll be taking a cart with supplies and some of Gundren’s effects to a town called Phandalin, approximately a day’s ride away, payment upon arrival. Angus knows a little about the town; it’s an old mining town. Or was? They mined magical ores but the whole operation, and subsequently the town, collapsed after orc raids around ten years ago. Supposedly it’s gradually being rebuilt, but Angus has never been there to know. Not a lot of call for a detective in a town like that. But the job seems simple enough, anyway.

            Meanwhile, Gundren and a fighter he’s hired called Barry Bluejeans (hired after his contract with a Sildar Hallwinter mysteriously fell through, Angus notes curiously) are leaving for Phandalin tonight. Why they can’t tote their own shit, Angus doesn’t know. Certainly, Taako doesn’t get an answer beyond an annoyed-sounding grunt when he asks Gundren in that exact not-so-tactful manner.

            But it’s fine. Short, simple, straight-forward job. If there really is a much more challenging, much more lucrative job waiting for them after that, Angus can deal with it when it comes up. Nothing to worry about in the meantime. Right?

 

* * *

 

            This is far from the most annoying thing that Taako has done for ten gold, but it’s probably up there with the _most boring_ so far. Magnus practically bounced to the front to drive the oxen; no one cares about your vehicle proficiency, bubbeleh. Nothing much to do in the back though. Gundren’s dog is panting, Agnes is reading, and Merle seems to be working through cantrips. Taako eyes Merle suspiciously for a moment before returning to contemplating if he wants to grab an apple out of the stores. He’s about to push a box of some nasty looking peppermint out of the way to get into the apples when the cart stops.

            Taako looks up to see Magnus gesturing to him and Merle. Naturally, Ango comes along as well. Taako steps in front of him to see what’s what. And what’s what is two dead horses up the road and two gerblins charging at them. Finally. Something _exciting_.

            Merle toasts one of them with Sacred Flame, and the second gerblin comes to a halt as well, unwarranted confidence suddenly dissipating. Hell yeah. Taako nudges Angus further back because _don’t get in Taako’s way when he’s doing magic, little man_ , and says, “Seems like you might wanna cool down, homie,” before casting Ray of Frost. Direct hit, natch. The gerblin freezes almost instantaneously, its momentum carrying it forward to fall and shatter.

            Of course Magnus has to immediately jump, _literally jump_ , into an elaborate move for his turn, flying off the cart and swinging a battle axe. And promptly cutting the second gerblin in half. The long way. Taako notices Angus trying to creep around him again and hip checks him back. “Still not the time, homie. You don’t even have an initiative roll.”

            “I _do_ have a crossbow, sir, and-” Angus is interrupted by an unfamiliar voice.

            “Wait, I thought there were only two other gerblins out he- OH JERRY NO.” Oops, missed one. Not a problem. Taako turns away from Angus just in time to see the gerblin shoot a flaming arrow in his general direction. At least, Taako thinks it’s meant to hit him, but it’s hard to tell when the thing hits the canvas of the wagon instead. Which is now on fire. Angus rushes to extinguish it, which, fine, small kids can handle small fires. Taako took care of larger fires when he was that small too. When he was smaller even. Merle manages to competently throw his hand axe at the escaping gerblin, and both gerblin problem and fire problem are quickly resolved.

            The dead horses could be Gundren and Barry’s, if they stopped to make camp sometime last night. Taako notices a familiar, empty map container among the belongings. So definitely Gundren and Barry’s.

            “So, uh, where do you think they are?” Magnus looks around.

            “My dude, I have the exact same information you do.” That’s actually not quite true. Taako spots something in the undergrowth, which turns out to be some sizeable drag marks. Approximately the size of one large dwarf and one human.

            “We should follow them!” Angus makes to start forward, and Taako blocks his path with the map container, ears perking up.

            “ _Someone_ should stay with the cart. Getting that-” He gestures with a thumb over his shoulder at the cart, “-to Phandalin is what gets us paid.”

            “I’m definitely going.” Magnus interjects.

            “Yeah, no shit, Maggie, you’re the meat shield.”

            “HEY!”

            “Can’t get paid without an employer, sir.” Angus argues back, crossing his arms.

            “So _we_ go after Gundren and whatshisface and the gerblins. We can hide the cart, and _you_ can stay here and make sure nothing happens to it. It’s, uh, allocating resources. Being smart.” Merle smiles, placating, at Angus. At least Taako assumes that’s the intent. What’s more surprising is that it works.

            Angus scuffs his shiny shoe in the dirt and huffs. “Fine, sirs. I’ll stay with the cart.”

            “Good boy, Ango!” Magnus practically scoops Angus up to spin him around.

            “Sir, I’m not a dog! And I would very much like to be back on the ground!” Magnus complies, setting Angus back down, Angus somewhat indignantly straightening his glasses as he does. The cart is quickly relocated and Angus with it, and Taako sets off with Magnus and Merle to follow the tracks.

            “Fuckin’ _finally_.” Taako says as they leave. But he’s pretty sure Angus is out of earshot anyway.

 

* * *

 

            Angus McDonald is bored. Taako, Merle, and Magnus set off following the tracks of the gerblins hours ago. He’s not worried. They really took care of the three gerblins from earlier quite handily, even if he hadn’t gotten to help. Besides, it hasn’t been long enough to get Angus to start worrying.

            However, it has been long enough for a few things. It’s been long enough that Angus hasn’t felt the need to have his crossbow out in a while. It’s been long enough for Angus to switch from actively searching for threats to keeping an ear out while reading. It’s been long enough for Ruby to actually fall asleep. It’s been long enough for Angus to decide that there definitely aren’t any more gerblins in the area. It’s been long enough to realize that this road really isn’t well traveled, so no further threats are likely to come his way. In short, it’s been long enough for Angus to determine that, given his talents, he is vastly, vastly overqualified for cart-sitting duty. In his opinion, Ruby is probably qualified.

            Angus sighs and switches from his Caleb Cleveland novel to his Book of Interception. At least this way he might be able to make a productive use of his time, rather than just reading the same three sentences over and over and over again, unable to focus while Ruby wheezes in her sleep. Besides, if… if this really is going to be the last job that Taako, Merle, and Magnus will ever _need_ to take, Angus might be getting back to regular detective work sooner rather than later. Because even if they’re content to stop adventuring with all of their bills paid, Angus pretty much lives for his work. It’s how he defines himself, and he doesn’t have much else to go back to. If anything else, really.

            Brushing off the small seed of worry that has now taken root, Angus works his way through the Book of Interception. He’s intently reading a memo circulating through the Goldcliff militia regarding their stance on the technically illegal battlewagon racing that takes place outside the city when he hears the voices of people _finally_ approaching back through the woods. He pauses to listen, noting what sounds like four voices, three of which are familiar. Angus stows the book and goes to greet the other members of his current party.

            Taako, Magnus, and Merle could probably use a short rest or two, and Magnus and Merle look like they went for a swim that may not have been voluntary. But they also all seem to have leveled up and overall look no worse for the wear. The denim-clad man Angus deduces to be Barry Bluejeans, on the other hand, seems to have been satisfactorily rescued but is absolutely worse for the wear. Finally, Gundren Rockseeker is nowhere to be seen.

            It seems to Angus that this job is a bit more complicated than initially described. More importantly, Angus isn’t bored anymore. “So, what happened, sirs?”

 

* * *

 

            “Like I said, that map was fake. The real map-” And Barry goes from attempting to fish something out, to sticking his head and half of his torso in the box as he searches. Merle looks on skeptically while Barry Bluejeans digs around in his box of things. Because, really, how exactly did this… nerd become a fighter and a bodyguard? It’s one of many things about this whole job that makes no sense. “And this is really great; you’ll love this. The real map, is _inside that goddamn dwarf._ ”

            Of course. Another thing that makes absolutely no sense. There’s a reason that Gundren has never been his favorite cousin. Maybe he should have remembered that before taking the job. “Uh, yuck?” Merle comments.

            “Huh? Oh, no, it’s not like tha- Oh thank gods, they didn’t get this.” Barry says, emerging from his box at least, waving an entirely blank piece of parchment while straightening his glasses. “It’s his blood. His blood is the map. Or makes the map. Cool, right? Have you ever heard of anything like that?” Merle is not certain that he’s ever met anyone quite nerdy enough to get this excited over obscure, vaguely necromantic sounding uses of magic.

            “I’ve heard of similar theories, but I’ve never actually seen it.” Scratch that, Angus McDonald is definitely nerdy enough to get excited over this.

            “You’re about to, kid. Wait, _fuck_. Fudge. Sorry about swearing, kid. Anyway, Gundren gave me a vial-” Barry now literally inverts the box, trying to find something. “Uh. Shit. I mean, shoot. The vial of Gundren’s blood is missing. Without that, no map, and without a map, no way to find him. Shit. Shoot.” He sweeps everything off the table back into the box, looking dejected.

            “I’m a cousin. Would that work?” Merle offers, somewhat reluctantly.

            Barry studies him a moment quizzically. “That’s not a bad idea! Can I, uh, borrow your hand? For a second.” Merle is immediately regretting his decision.

            “Um. I’ll be a lot more comfortable with me deciding where the blood is coming from. And doing the stabbing.” Magnus puts his small, crappy Chekhov’s brand grandfather knife back in his pocket, apparently disappointed. Merle makes a mental note of that as he cuts into a finger and lets the blood start drip, drip, dripping onto the parchment below. Meanwhile, the kid actually looks concerned to see Merle stabbing himself and bleeding onto the map. He’s definitely still annoying, but that earns Angus a few points in his favor, in Merle’s opinion.

            After a few moments, Barry and the kid lean in, watching in fascination as rather than soaking into the parchment, the blood insistently stays atop it, as if the parchment were waxed, and begins to spread in various lines across the paper. Taako leans back in his chair, arms crossed, unimpressed.

            “Can you… cut more? Can we do more holes?” Barry asks, looking at Merle, suddenly and inexplicably impatient. Most people, even bodyguards, aren’t that worried about their bosses, and Merle knows Gundren well enough to say that he isn’t the exception.

            “You can wait. Unless you’ve got something to share with the class, Barry?” Merle prompts, but Barry only frowns, going back to stare at the parchment.

            And eventually, you really can call it a map. Angus thinks he recognizes the Sword Mountains, which is confirmed when they reference it against another map. And this map has a location circled, the location of the lost mine of Phandalin.

            “Son of a b- _lich_.” Barry leans back and cleans his glasses. “It actually worked.” He puts them back on.

            “Wait, you let me stab myself and you weren’t sure it would work?” Merle waves his now bandaged hand indignantly in Barry’s direction.

            “Mostly sure. Seventy-thirty.”

            “You’re a cleric though. You knew you could fix it.” Magnus points out.

            “Do we at least know where Gundren is now?” Merle asks Barry impatiently.

            “So, we know that he was taken by the Black Spider, and I’m assuming they were gonna take him to this cave. This cave is the reason for, for all of this. It’s the Rockseekers’ birthright and belongs to Gundren and his brothers. But they’re, uh, probably not the only ones looking for it. Maybe not even for the same reasons. There’s this vault in there, and… anyway, if the Black Spider has him, I guarantee that’s where they are now.” Barry pokes at the map, careful to avoid the lines of blood.

            “So, it’s a day’s ride away. Should the three of us get some horses? Or...” Magnus looks between Taako and Merle, considering how best to plan.

            “What about the cart?” Angus suggests.

            “Oh, you, you can take the cart.” Barry says.

            “Do you want to come with us, Barry?” Taako asks.

            “I do!” Angus states firmly. “You’re not leaving me behind again.”

            Barry, however, has a different answer. “I… I really need to rest.”

            “Barry, it’d look _super_ bad if you just, uh, left your charge and didn’t go rescue him. Terrible for your career.” Taako points out, wheedling just a bit.  He’s also ignoring Angus’s statement, which probably means that they are, in fact, going to be stuck with the kid coming along.

            “Let me pitch you this. It’d look equally as bad if I just fucking die. Fudging. Kind of hard to fix that.”

            “That’s a good point. So, are you going to pay us part of your commission if we do go rescue him?” Merle asks.

            “Yeah! Half of what he’s paying you sounds fair.” Taako agrees. Angus looks like he wants to protest. Tough.

            “Look, if you can find this cave, none of you are ever going to have to worry about money again.”

            “Cause we’ll die?” Magnus asks.

            “No! Well… I mean, I don’t do divination.”

            “That sounds ominous.” Angus mutters.

            “So you can stay here with Barry then.” Merle gestures. Angus crosses his arms, getting a mulish look on his face. “And you’re giving us the map, Barry.”

            “Oh, yeah, your blood, your map.”

            “So before we go, is there anything you can tell us about the Black Spider or the cave or…” Magnus asks.

            “The cave is called Wave Echo Cave. I know, silly name, just what they came up with, don’t know why. As for the Black Spider…”

            “Like, is it a nickname? Or is he a giant black spider?”

            “I was just about to tell you that I don’t know anything about the Black Spider. At all. Never met them. I mean, spiders are small, but I don’t know how a small spider would be able to kidnap a dwarf.” Barry shrugs. “Your guess is as good as mine.”

            “All right, thanks, homie.” Taako looks around. “Guess, uh, guess we should get started.” Merle is not looking forward to this shit.

 

* * *

 

            Magnus is eager to rush in and continue with this whole allegedly lucrative employer-saving mission. Eh… save for two things.

            The fact that the being who has taken Gundren is named the Black Spider doesn’t exactly bode well for the very-much-afraid-of-spiders Magnus Burnsides. He absentmindedly tugs at his sideburns as he hopes that the Black Spider’s name isn’t literal.

            The other issue is the presence of one Angus McDonald. He might be able to take care of himself in most situations better than most kids and definitely says as much, but Magnus has a feeling that they’re going to be getting into boss fight territory pretty quickly. Angus is persistent, but perhaps he can reason with Taako. The wizard cares about Angus as long as he thinks no one is looking.

            “This is going to be dangerous. Why are we bringing a small child?” He quietly asks Taako, who is luckily the closest to the front of the cart where Magnus is driving. Ango looks absorbed in his book anyway. “Can’t you… convince him not to?”

            “What’s the name of the place where we’re goin’ again?” Taako asks in response, loudly.

            “Um…” Magnus looks sideways at Taako, unsure why he’d asked. And also unsure of the answer.

            Taako stares Magnus down while he tilts his head and prompts, “Agnes?”

            “Wave Echo Cave, sir.” Angus doesn’t bother looking up from his book. Magnus sees Merle start a little. He concludes that Merle probably didn’t know the answer either.

            “There you go, homie. I had no idea, totally forgot. He’s here to compensate for me being a simple idiot wizard.”

            “Just because he’s smart-”

            “Okay, look, the last time he had that stubborn look on his face-” Taako stops abruptly, and Magnus notes curiously that his ears are twitching. Huh. He’s pretty sure that means the elf is uncomfortable, but he doesn’t know _why_ he knows that. “You know what, Taako’s not gonna get into the last time Agnes had that look on his face. Point is, you’re gonna lose the argument, natch. Kid’s too smart and like a barnacle or something.”

            Magnus glances back at Angus. The boy detective looks surprised and for a moment absolutely ecstatic before he returns to the most obstinate look Magnus has ever seen on a nine year old. Magnus groans. “It’s a good thing I’m a protection fighter. Don’t do anything stupid.”

            “Wouldn’t dream of it, sir.” Angus goes back to his book, smiling.

 

* * *

 

 

            The good news about this next room in Wave Echo Cave is that it contains neither the dead bodies of any of Merle’s cousins nor any jelly monsters, as they’ve already encountered. Nor does it contain any actual black spiders. The last is the one Magnus is most happy about. The bad news is, no Gundren here either, nor his kidnapper. This room is actually totally empty of any living thing. There’s just a giant grinding machine, which has to be some kind of mining equipment, in the middle of the grate floor, and chains hanging from the ceiling and on the walls. Not terribly interesting, in Magnus’s opinion. Nothing to fight in here.

            There is, however, a ladder on the far wall, leading up to a kind of balcony, with the next door out of here. The four of them start walking across the floor toward the ladder and door when said door is kicked open, and an orc woman barrels out, pointing a massive crossbow at them. The bolts are practically the size of Angus. As that thought crosses his mind, Magnus shoves Angus behind him.

            “Hey! I do the kicking around here!” Magnus yells, pointing at the woman. She’s just staring at them like she has no idea what they’re doing here. To be fair, none of them have any idea why _she_ is here either.

            “Easy, Magnus.” Merle warns.

            “Hello!” Magnus tries again.

            She takes no notice and instead looks almost confused. “Aw… aw shit.” She mutters, but she doesn’t lower the crossbow.

            “Hail and well met!” Taako tries. Magnus looks over his shoulder to give Angus a pointed look to _keep quiet so you don’t get impaled._

            “Shh, shh! Just… just give me a minute, okay? I’m trying to figure out why the three of you would be… here. Well, not the three of you specifically, but just… other people. And, uh, _how_ you could be here. Okay, okay…” She clicks her tongue against her teeth a couple times, clearly thinking. At no point does she relax though, and Magnus is very much aware that the crossbow is still very much pointed at them. “So, I try to avoid collateral damage, not my thing. But I do need to know why you’re here. So my best option for you is… I’m going to ask you… a question… and that will kind of determine what… happens.”

            “Oh, like a choose your own adventure!” Keeping things fun usually helps, right? Not pissing off people with weapons is generally a good thing, even when it’s your habit to ignore such things and rush in regardless.

            “Yeah, yeah… if 90% of the options involved you dying.” She clicks her tongue a few more times. “Are the three of you here for the-” And what sounds like static comes out of her mouth. Magnus glances back at the rest of his companions, who look equally as confused as he feels.

            “Er, pardon?” He asks, bewildered. “Do you have something stuck in your throat or something?”

            “I’ve got this.” Merle steps forward. “We are not-” and he imitates the static sound the orc woman had made, “-hunters.”

            The orc woman blinks and looks relieved. Still no lowering of the crossbow though. “Okay, I just heard you make some kind of crackly noise, which actually tells me everything I need to know. So, the three of you aren’t here for the-” She makes the static noise again, “-which is _great_ for me. So, here’s my solution: I’m not going to shoot you with my crossbow-”

            “I think we can all agree on that.” Magnus nods.

            “I’m for.” Taako adds.

            “So instead-” And she pulls a small black box that resembles a remote out of her pocket and presses a button. A massive spark jumps out of the device, landing on and passing into the massive grinding machine in the middle of the floor. It starts to come to life, whirring and sputtering and making a horrendous racket. When Magnus looks back up, the orc woman is gone. And so is the ladder. Well, tits.

            As the gears within the grinder spin at speeds that are probably too fast for the intended purpose, it starts to shake and jump its way across the grate floor, moving rapidly at the four of them. The vibrations are strong enough to actually knock Angus over, and in a moment, the machine is practically on top of them.

            Taako steps up and casts a spell that booms in Magnus’s ears, and, more importantly, sends the grinder flying backward, skidding with the loud screech of metal against metal and throwing up sparks for the last few feet. Magnus stares agape at Taako for a moment before he notices the chains rattling on the wall behind him.

            “Sir-” Angus starts to say, still bouncing on the floor from the vibrations, eyes also on the rattling chains, as Magnus rushes off to grab as many as he can off the wall.

            “Same hat, Ango!” He yells as he throws the entirety of them at the grinder.

            This machine, while not meant to be moving as it is thanks to Killian’s device, is absolutely, positively, unequivocally not meant to grind chains. As the chains catch around the teeth of the grinder and the machinery whines in protest, Magnus holds up his shield, protecting both himself and the rest of the party. There’s a barrage of shrapnel as the machine is torn apart from the inside out, but the high-pitched whining noise and number of projectiles gradually dies off. The machine is still attempting to rumble around, but the threat is clearly gone.

            Taako pulls Angus to his feet. “Don’t worry; one of these days you’ll get an actual initiative roll and be useful.” He says as Angus straightens both his outfit and his glasses.

            “Thanks, sir.” He responds wryly.

            Crisis averted far more easily than anticipated, the four finish crossing the room, Magnus grabbing a chain as he goes - “It’ll be useful, guys!” - before they easily climb up to the small landing where the door out is. Magnus notices Taako glancing back at the grinder and scribbling something down before he walks through the door.

 

* * *

 

            Taako is, in a word, annoyed. It’s one thing to encounter jelly monsters and dead dwarves. If you go into a cave, you’re guaranteed to find a few weird monsters. That is entirely expected. It’s another thing altogether to encounter someone who thinks death by a giant grinding machine is at least preferable to being shot with a crossbow. He glances down to the small boy walking beside him, looking around the luminescent tunnel with wide eyes. Hachi machi, Angus will probably end up with _nightmares_ , and that is not something Taako wants to deal with. Or is equipped to.

            So all this is why, when the sounds of fighting up ahead end with Killian calling for help, he responds with “Eat a big ‘un!”

            “Sir, I don’t think that was necessary.”

            “Sure it was, little man. She sicced that grinder on us.” Taako sticks his hands in his pockets, conspicuously slowing his pace.

            “Could use a hand in here! Uh, help! Please!” The orc woman calls again, which is apparently enough for Magnus to, once again, rush in without thinking. Merle moves more quickly as well, soon following Magnus through the door. Whatever. If they’re too stupid to help someone who tried to kill them, what does Taako care?

            When Angus tries to break into a run after them though, Taako blocks him. “Sir? Aren’t we going after them?”

            “Mm, yeah, that’s gonna be a no for Taako.” He keeps up the ambling pace though. “Taako’s not particularly fond of helping out people who just tried to kill him like two minutes ago. Don’t know why _they_ are, but you shouldn’t be either. Thought you were supposed to be a smart boy detective, Djangus.”

            “I’m the world’s best detective, sir. And I can’t solve the mystery as to why she did that in the first place from out here.”

            “Hm, yeah, nope, but you also can’t solve any mysteries if you’re dead.” They’ve reached the door, and here is where Taako stops. Nope, not goin’ through that door. He can’t think of anything that could make him-

            “Oh, vhat a fantastic development! Ve have guests, dear, how exciting!” The weirdly enthusiastic voice carries out from the room beyond, and apparently there is something weird enough to get him through the door. Taako walks in, Angus in tow, to a large room, where the defining features are a massive iron door too large for the space and some kind of mining pit. Aside from Magnus and Merle, the occupants of the room are the orc woman, who is currently stuck to the wall with some kind of unpleasant looking webbing; an unconscious dwarf practically on top of the edge of the pit that Taako recognizes as the dwarf that got them all into this mess, Gundren Rockseeker; and a Drow with one hell of an aesthetic, which Taako can appreciate. He’s got a staff, currently directed at the orc woman, and is dressed in black robes with a white spider tabard. Taako doesn’t need Angus’s small gasp of recognition to realize that they’ve finally met the Black Spider.

            The Black Spider, for his part, seems quite content not to get into a fight right now. Taako can also appreciate that. “Oh, and a third guest! And a fourth, a child!” The orc woman’s head whips to the side as she stares at Angus in horror. Had she not realized he was there or something? “Ve have even more guests, dear! Hello, hello, velcome to my cave!” He gestures around with the staff, as if welcoming the four of them into his house, rather than an old abandoned mine.

            “I just have to say, it’s so nice to meet someone who talks normally.” Taako grins at the Black Spider.

            The Black Spider lights up even more. “Oh! I love your cadence, dear. Vhere are you from?”

            “Uh, New Elfington.” At least originally. Sort of. He did have vague recollections of the old Elfington before it had burned down in some kind of weird magic accident. But, again, you must be level 10 to unlock Taako’s Tragic Backstory ™ ™ ™.

            “And I suppose introductions are, ah, unnecessary, as I am preceded by my reputation. Also by my spider tabard. But I vould like to know who you are and how you came to my cave.”

            “So then you suppose introductions are necessary.” Magnus says.

            “Right, so who, who are you?” Taako asks. Painfully, painfully obvious or not, he knows that Angus would confirm it first. And makes a mental note never to let Agnes know that he had that thought.

            “I am ze Black Spider. And you, vith your voice like a song?”

            “Guys, I think this is him.” Magnus stage-whispered. “I’m, I’m Magnus.”

            “Uh, I’m Taako, and we’re really only here for, uh, Gundren here, so we’re really cool with whatever you’re doing with the orc woman over there.”

            “Oh, Gundren’s purpose is served; he is all yours.”

            “Excellent, pleasure doing business with you.” Naturally, this is when Angus sees fit to interject.

            “Sir-”

            “Hush, Agnes, the adults are talking.”

            “Your boy’s name is… Agnes?” The Black Spider seems perplexed.

            “Something like that. Name, I mean.” Taako shrugs. “Not my boy though. He’s like… team mascot.”

            “No, I’m not!” Angus frowns.

            “Hey, that was my idea!” Merle jumps in.

            “I see, I see. Very interesting, bringing him here. Not a very safe place for a child zough.” The Black Spider nods thoughtfully. “Oh, I vill need some more of his blood zough. Gundren’s, I mean. Not darling Agnes’s, of course. That vouldn’t open up a jar, let alone anything around here.”

            “How much more?” Magnus asks, seemingly wondering if they can barter. Trade a little bit of blood, get the fuck out of here. It’s something Taako can get behind.

            “Eh…” The Black Spider seems to consider, tilting his head. “Several pints? How much, ah, how much blood do dwarves have?” Hachi machi, this could turn out… badly.

            “Sorry, darling, I didn’t catch your name?”

            “Hm, I’ll tell you, but- I’m curious, so I have to ask, if you don’t mind answering a few questions? Hm?”

            “Oh, please, feel free.” The Black Spider seems to miss Merle’s sarcasm.

            “Ah, yes, uh, how in ze fuck do you know about zis magical cave mine? Are you also here for ze-” Again with the weird static.

            “No? Yes?” Magnus clearly has no more idea than Taako of what’s going on, though unlike Taako he’ll profess that openly. Angus has that look on his face that means he is thinking, fast.

            “Screw that; I’m here for my cousin!”

            “Oh? Vhich one? I assume, I assume you mean, ze only surviving one?”

            “Uh, okay, just wanna ask one more time, Black Spider sounds a little too formal. What’s your name?”

            “Oh, it’s Brian, darling.”

            “So, uh, Brian, we’re going to need to take Gundren with us, natch, and we’ll take the orc woman, too. And, one magic user to another, can you tell me why when you say… whatever it is you’re saying, I only near static noises? Do you know why that might be?”

            “Oh, zat’s a simple one, darling. But also a tricky situation to explain. Let’s try zis.” Brian launches into an explanation that is more often than not punctuated by periods of static. Taako’s previous interest in the Drow has quickly turned to irritation. “So, anyway, I am going to find zis solution unequitable and unsatisfactory, so I’m afraid zat is where zis ends.” He smiles, almost apologetic. And Magnus charges him.

 

* * *

 

            While Magnus charges Brian, the Black Spider, Angus is surprised to see Taako dash over to the orc woman and use a burning spell to remove the webbing trapping her there. She looks even more surprised than he feels, responding with, “Wow, thanks!”

            A puff of green smoke gets Angus’s attention, and it appears that Brian used some kind of summoning pod? His suspicions are confirmed when a very, very large black spider crawls through a crack in the ceiling. Angus can see that Magnus swallows, hard, when he sees the spider. Angus also can’t really blame him for that.

            “Hello, Bryan!” Brian calls out. “Zat’s Bryan with a Y, for anyone who doesn’t care for ze fourth wall, yes?”

            “Kid, stay out of the way and let the adults work.” Merle practically growls at Angus before casting Sleep. Unfortunately, it has no effect on either Brian or, well, Bryan. The latter of whom is rapidly is rapidly scuttling down the wall. Warning or not, Angus is determined to be helpful in this fight; he _has_ to be. He gets a shot off of his wrist crossbow at Spider Bryan, shooting out one of his eyes. “That is not staying out of the way.” Merle says, exasperated.

            “Hey, Ango, if you’re going to shoot at it, can you do actual damage?” Taako calls to Angus.

            “I did more damage than both of you so far, sir!”

            “That’s so tiny; it’s adorable.” The orc woman mutters, staring at Angus with his wrist crossbow, before straightening, remote in hand. “Right. Here goes nothing!” This time the spark streaks through the air and through the massive door. She looks disappointed. “Oh. Hm. Okay, that’s-” She’s interrupted by loud, rapid-fire pounding at the door.

            “Oh, what’s your name, dear? The orc woman who tried to kill us is a little long.” Taako asks, nonchalantly. Like they’re not in the middle of a fight that could get them killed. But he is remembering to ask someone’s name for once.

            “Seriously, sir?” Angus yells over the pounding at the door, which is starting to buckle.

            “Uh, it’s Killian.” Killian seems to share Angus’s incredulity. “Can we get back to the spider stuff now?”

            Angus hears rapid footsteps through the din as Magnus runs past, using the chain to sweep half of Spider Bryan’s legs out from under him before stabbing through more of Spider Bryan’s eyes. Angus is pretty sure most spiders do not have this many eyes

            Taako fires Magic Missile off at Magic Brian, who takes a step back, but is still in pretty good shape. “Oh, is zat- is zat Magic Missile? Is zat vhat zat was? It vas unrecognizable, because zis is how I usually do it.” He shoots Magic Missile straight back at Taako, who crumples, falling unconscious and prone.

            “Sir!”

            “How about zat? Vhat’s up now?”

            Angus’s fear only worsens when Spider Bryan bites Magnus with a solid _cronch_ though Magnus is still standing. This went downhill very, very quickly. He jumps as the large iron door moans ominously, bowing inward from the force of the incessant hits of whatever is behind it. Merle seems to remember it’s there as well and uses Thaumaturgy to open the door. A massive jackhammer bot bursts forth, and Angus and Magnus both have to dive out of the way as the jackhammer bot impales Spider Bryan before diving into the pit. Angus is fairly sure he’s going to have a few bruises from all of the falling he’s done in this cave.

            “Bryan! Bryan vith a Y!” Magic Brian calls out. “He vas my favorite spider boy.” He explains mournfully, gesturing at the pit.

            Angus gets himself up to standing just in time to see Killian push the button on her remote again. When nothing happens, she ducks behind the metal door. “Good luck, guys! Let me know if you find my crossbow!”

            Magnus pulls something out of his bag and goes over to Taako. “Now this may be a little cheesy, but I just can’t let you go.” Magnus says as he gives Taako one of the healing potions they’d gotten from that bugbear. “I saved our wizard! Your turn to do damage!” He cheerfully says to Merle and Angus.

            “I killed the spider!” Merle insists, while Angus can see that Taako is conscious again.

            “Technically, the robot did that, sir.”

            “Excellent!” Taako says as he stands, facing Magic Brian. “Abraca-fuck-you!” He shouts, casting Magic Missile again, and Angus can tell that it’s much more powerful this time. Magic Brian is blasted to the edge of the pit and looks terrible. He most certainly did not enjoy the taste of 15 points of damage.

            “Ah, it seems you learned from my demonstration, yes? Took a few pointers? Or vas zat a Taako original?” Magic Brian asks. “Vell, it seems my goose might be cooked, yes? But I do have, I do have just one more trick up my sleeve.” And he grabs Gundren, and both go over the edge of the pit.

            There’s a pause, as everyone tries to figure out what to do. Then two pairs of dwarven hands pop up over the edge, and two Gundren Rockseekers climb up.

            The first looks at the second, and in a gruff voice says, “Oh, I get it. Look, I’m the real Gundren Rockseeker. I can tell you anything about dwarves or this mine or Phandalin.”

            The other Gundren Rockseeker opens his mouth. “No, zat fellow is ze imposter; I am ze real Gundren Rockseeker!” Angus raises an eyebrow skeptically. Really? Amateur.

            Magnus asks, through laughter, “Is it possible that Magic Brian cursed the real Gundren Rockseeker to sound weird?”

            “Yes, zat is exactly it! He is a bad boy; he is-” And the imposter is cut off as Magnus unceremoniously kicks him over the edge of the pit.

            “I cannot believe… that you guys did that.” They all turn to see that Killian has returned. “Magic Brian is -was- an incredibly powerful wizard. I’m just… flabbergasted.” She looks down at the pit. “Uh, I need to go retrieve something real quick. You all… you all wait here and then I can explain.” She pulls out a feather duster and taps herself with it. Encompassed by gray light, she drops slowly down into the pit.

            “You’re welcome!” Taako calls after her. Angus finds himself agreeing.

            “So, like, we know there’s something going on here, that we’re not able to comprehend.” Magnus says, slowly working through the problem.

            “Could be a curse.” Taako suggests. “I do have expertise with the magics.”

            “It doesn’t sound like any magic I’ve ever heard of.”

            “Yes, but you don’t have any expertise with magics yet, do you, little man?”

            Magnus cuts off the debate. “No matter what, we need to figure out what’s going on.”

            “I think I might be able to explain.” Gundren Rockseeker does not look well, but he is standing. “You guys have done well, better than I thought, and deserve answers. Come on, come with me.” While Taako, Magnus, and Merle follow Gundren, Angus remains still, looking back at the pit that Killian descended into.

 

* * *

 

            After a few beats, Taako hears Angus take off at a fast pace to catch up with them, seemingly having decided that figuring out what’s going on and ditching Killian is better than being left behind. It’s nice to know he’s rubbing off on Angus in a positive manner. The hallway quickly ends and opens onto another chamber, with seemingly the most remarkable thing in it being a complicated vault door that Gundren promptly approaches.

            Taako catches a flash of color out of the corner of his eye, a bright red that certainly isn’t naturally occurring in this particular cave, and turns to look at it dead on. It’s a skeleton, draped in the bright red robe that caught Taako’s attention, just sitting down against the wall. Taako approaches it while Gundren begins fiddling with the door.

            Taako’s skin prickles as the hair on the back of his neck stands up, because, not gonna lie, it’s pretty creepy to approach a skeleton who seems to be staring at you. But no, they were probably just looking at the entrance as they died, and yeah, that has to be it. Just sorta ended up this way, watching the entrance and holding some kinda cane.

            “Hey, uh, guys, there’s a… dead guy over here.” Taako calls over his shoulder, strangely reluctant to look away from the skeleton while Merle and Angus cross the room to join him. It’s definitely _weird_ though; why and how did everything else rot away, leaving only the skeleton, cane, and robe behind? The skeleton certainly isn’t offering any answers.

            He looks over the robe. He can’t seem to simply stop to squarely look at it, actually; his gaze seems to just slide over the garment almost involuntarily. Doesn’t matter though. It’s just a robe, right? Nothing magical about it. Also, definitely, definitely not edible, Taako concludes as he spits out a mouthful of red fabric. Must have rolled a one to think _that_ was a good idea.

            “I think… they might have been an elf?” Angus offers, surprisingly chill about there being a skeleton just sitting here. Well, kid solved a lot of mysteries and did a lot of investigating, so Taako supposes he really shouldn’t be surprised. And obviously he’ll investigate the creepy body, too. “They’ve definitely been here for a long, long time.”

            “Good detective-ing there, Djangus.” Taako quips, ears twitching, as he takes a step backward. Apparently the door Gundren is working on is hella intricate, because he’s still working at unlocking it.

            Magnus turns at the conversation, taking a quick glance over the scene. “So that cane’s magical, right?” He offers before turning back to watch Gundren at work.

            Taako and Merle look at Magnus’s back and then at each other. Funny that neither of them had picked up on that. Merle makes to grab the cane but then pauses. Then he casts Detect Magic before stumbling, looking dazed. Angus reaches out, alarmed.

            “So, what kind of vibe did you get from it?” Taako asks, airy and unconcerned.

            “I’m- kind of mind-blown right now. It’s like kind of- it’s hard for me to, to concentrate. It seemed like, like all schools of magic, all at once.” At this, Angus’s mouth snaps shut, and Taako can practically see the gears whirring as Angus thinks. “Maybe if I could- I think I oughta wrap this in something and carry it instead of holdin’ onto it.”

            “Well, wrap it in the robe; that’s a good idea.” Taako offers, more amused than anything else at Merle’s reaction. Sure, like an everyday magical cane could garner that kind of reaction from Taako. Merle had probably just rolled badly or something. Or it’s those mushrooms from earlier. Absolutely the mushrooms from earlier.

            When Merle actually grabs the cane to take it, however, he jolts straight, as if shocked. And a moment later, Merle is launched backward into the cave wall opposite with a resounding thud. Angus jumps and emits something akin to a squeak. Magnus takes no notice.

            “Oh, golly.” Taako says while Angus scampers over to the now insistently groaning dwarf, attempting to help him up. Taako thinks that Merle isn’t nearly that injured. “Well, let me give it a whirl. Yep, I’m going to do the exact same thing he did.” Merle groans more loudly. “You’re fine! Walk it off!” Turning back to the cane, he adds, “Let’s do this!”

            “Sir, I don’t think-” And Taako grabs the umbrella. And shit starts happening. Like Merle, he briefly jolts straight. Unlike Merle, Taako doesn’t fly across the room, natch. Instead, lightning emits outward from him, and as he pulls the cane - _umbrella_ \- out of the skeleton’s grasp, it seems to move to lock its long gone eyes with him before it and the vibrant red robe disintegrate before him. Hm. Dramatic.

            “…So now I have an umbrella.” Taako turns and waves it in the general direction of Angus and Merle, the latter of whom has finally dragged himself upright.

            “I’m still in pain over here!”

            “Psh, you’re a cleric, homie. You’re the one with healing spells.”

            “What the shit.” An incredulous, gruff voice interrupts them, and the three look over to see a bewildered Gundren Rockseeker and an unruffled Magnus. “What the shit was that, with all the magic and lightning and the magic umbrella? What the shit?”

            “Oh, hey, nice umbrella!” Magnus grins. Gundren is still looking around for answers that Taako doesn’t particularly feel like providing. Not that he really could explain the weird-ass magical umbrella, but it’s the principle of the thing.

            “Uh, Mr. Rockseeker? You were going to explain what was going on?” Angus prompts, seemingly recognizing that no one else is going to say anything.

            “Right, right, kid. As I was saying, you guys deserve some answers.” Gundren says as he puts a hand on the door briefly, and finally, _finally_ gears begin turning to open it.

 

* * *

 

            Gundren is easy to track. And somewhat predictable, Merle notes, with the trail of fire and wreckage ending at the local tavern. Magnus moves to rush in, but he’s stopped by Barry Bluejeans rushing out. To say he looks frazzled would be an understatement.

            “You’re back! You have to stop him; I, I’ve never seen him like this! You have to calm him down!” He looks between them all, frantically straightening his glasses.

            “He’s right; we can’t fight him now.” Killian says. “If we try to fight him, we’re going to lose. He can incinerate anyone or anything easily before we even get close. We’re- you’re going to have to try to calm him down and get the gauntlet off to stop him.”

            “Why would you want to stop me?” Gundren emerges from the tavern. His voice is altered from its usual gravel; there’s something else there, infused in. “I finally have enough power to get rid of those goddamn orcs.”

            “Gundren, this is wrong.” Magnus tries. Meanwhile, Merle notices Taako discreetly cast Charm Person. It doesn’t take, and Gundren turns to glare at Taako, with eyes of fire. No, literal fire; it’s literally fireballs. Magnus tries again. “Gundren, that glove is consuming you from the inside out. Remember your father? You can’t end up like that.”

            “It’s bad news, Gundren.” Barry says. “No one could control that.”

            “I can control it.” Gundren replies while Merle slowly walks up. The eyes of fire are even more intimidating when directed straight at him.

            “Hey. We’re cousins; we’re the same bloodline.” Merle holds his hands up, hoping to look as non-threatening as possible.

            “Yeah, dwarves have like 400 cousins. Do you know my middle name? No, do you know my first name?”

            “Your name… is Gundren.” Merle continues calmly and carefully places his hands, shaking almost imperceptibly in the heat radiating off the metal, on the gauntlet. The pain hits immediately, like thousands of warning bells going off in his head at once, screaming at him to _let go of the gauntlet, Merle_. He ignores them, even as his skin blisters. He’s endured worse burns before.

            Merle cautiously, carefully, almost serenely talks Gundren down gradually, taking his hands off the gauntlet when it becomes clear that isn’t helping. He’s… surprisingly good at it. Merle is sure that he’s almost got Gundren calm enough to get the gauntlet off when there is the unmistakable sound of an arrow being shot from a bow and a THUNK as it sinks into its target.

            “Oh no.” Taako mutters while Angus gasps, eyes wider than the magnifying glass Merle is sure the little nerd has somewhere. “Who saw this coming? Well, not Gundren, I guess.”

            Gundren, for his part, is instantly aflame again, the flames at his fingertips igniting the arrow sticking out of his back as he claws at it. “Who shot me?” He roars, and the unnatural quality is back and even more prevalent in his voice. There’s very little of Gundren Rockseeker even left in that voice, actually.

            “Not, not an orc! Definitely not an orc!” Merle tries, to no avail, backing up as he goes.

            “Wasn’t, wasn’t me. Now, there’s no need to get-” Barry takes a step forward toward Gundren, eyes going back and forth between the gauntlet and the flaming dwarf’s face. And then Gundren crushes Barry with one flaming hand before he turns into an inferno.

            “Time to go!” Killian yells.

 

* * *

 

            Despite the fire rapidly approaching, Magnus briefly hesitates. They can still stop Gundren. They _have_ to. The entirety of Phandalin is at stake if this… _thing_ is as powerful as Killian said, and that definitely looks to be the case.

            But then Magnus’s eyes land on Angus, frozen, staring in abject horror at the now towering column of flame that used to be Gundren. And then Magnus is running toward the well, Angus caught up under his arm like a football, shouting at everyone to get out of their homes, run for their lives. The soft gray magic of Killian’s feather duster envelops all of them, and Magnus jumps into the well after Killian, Taako and Merle. Falling, even slowly, is awkward, and Magnus does his best to make sure neither he nor Angus hit their heads. Ending up thoroughly concussed would be, mm, _bad_.

            Forty feet above them, the night sky goes crimson, and Magnus can see the small, bright red circle reflected both in Angus’s glasses and his too wide eyes. Gundren screams, one last, loud, unearthly scream, before the red sky is seemingly obliterated by fire, erupting outward from the gauntlet with a deafening roar so loud that Angus yelps. Magnus immediately covers Angus’s ears, but he’s not certain how much that can even help. He tells himself that Angus is shaking because of the sheer volume of the noise.

            After an exceptionally long 90 seconds, the roar dies down, and it’s quiet again, the kind of quiet that seems to ring in your ears. Magnus takes his hands off of Angus’s ears and looks around to take stock of everyone else. Taako seems fine, or close to it. Merle has considerable burns on his hands and some singed hair from his attempts to get the gauntlet off of Gundren. Killian, however, did not do a good job of falling and seems to have hit her head on the way down. Granted, three adult beings and one Angus landing on top of her likely did not help.

            No one seems to know how to react as the sky above slowly darkens from bright red back to his normal midnight hue.

            “Well, uh, this is going good.” Taako clears his throat after the joke, shifting uncomfortably. Then again, the bottom of a well isn’t exactly a comfortable place.

            “We really suck at this so far.” Merle says in earnest, and oh no, Angus’s shaking gets worse next to him. And it is definitely, definitely not due to the noise now.

            “You know, in retrospect, I really regret helping that orc kid?” Magnus keeps his tone light, because it’s better than the reminder that they failed, he failed, he failed to protect them, _he failed to protect them again_.

            “I was just thinking that! We should have just killed him.”

            “I wish we’d killed him, too!” And that was another bad move on their part around Angus. Magnus has to hide a wince. He couldn’t protect him either, not really, when it came down to it.

            Taako’s face doesn’t change, but he says, “So, uh… does anyone know Levitate?”

            “I think we just live at the bottom of this well now.” Magnus cautiously nudges Angus. “Got any bright ideas, boy detective?” Angus shakes his head once. “Someone could climb out and drop a rope, right?”

            “I say Magnus.” Merle suggests. Either he is missing that the kid is thoroughly traumatized or he is even more clueless about how to handle it than Magnus and Taako combined.

            “Oh, wait.” Magnus successfully manages to fish out Killian’s massive crossbow from beneath everyone and points it at her before reaching over and slapping her face. She doesn’t wake up.

            It does, however, get Angus to startle at the noise, and, shakily pushing his glasses up his nose, he says, “Sir- uh, sir, that’s- I think she’s concussed; that’s… not going to help.”

            “She could be dead.” Merle offers as an alternative.

            “No, no, she’s concussed.” Angus’s voice goes high at the end. It is astonishing how the three of them are managing to do exactly the wrong thing right now. “She’s breathing. She’s got a pulse. She’s not dead.”

            “Well, we gotta take her with us then.”

            “She’s got that magic feather duster. And if I know anything about magic, that’s got to be good for dusting.” Taako grins.

            “Okay, you can have the feather duster. I’m climbing out of here though.” Magnus pulls out first the remote and then the feather duster, which, when it’s handed to him, Taako immediately brandishes at Angus. Angus scoots away as much as possible in the well, and Taako’s ears pull back for the smallest of moments. “Hey, Ango, hop on.” Magnus gestures to his back.

            “Sir?” Angus still looks in shock and very pale in the light of the two moons overhead.

            “Unless you want to do the rope climb from fantasy gym class, hitching a ride is going to be an easier way out.”

            “So the kid gets a ride out?”

            “You got up the wall in the gerblin cave just fine.” Magnus retorts while Ango carefully locks his arms and legs around Magnus.

            “Fine, but you owe me a piggyback ride, Mags. I’m not going to forget!” Taako shoots back while Magnus is already climbing out. “And you should fix your hands already. Eau de burnt flesh is not really Taako’s style.”

            “Oh, right!”

 

* * *

 

            Due to his daze, Angus only realizes that the framework above the well is gone as Magnus is passing over the top. And it’s only when Magnus, more carefully than he would have thought, puts him down and his shoes clink upon the smooth glass surface that Angus realizes… Phandalin is gone. There’s nothing but black glass for a quarter mile radius, save for the well. And save for a charred, blackened dwarven figure not too far away, right hand in the air, still wearing a silvery gauntlet.

            Angus stairs at the gauntlet, gleaming in the moonlight. And then he takes a step forward.

            “Whoa, Angus!” Magnus catches him on the shoulder, and Angus looks up, somehow surprisingly disoriented. “We still gotta get Taako and Merle and Killian out.” Right. Right. They still have to do that. “Tie the end of the rope around her before you climb out.” He calls down the well.

            “Yeah, no shit, Magnus.” Merle calls back.

            Angus… keeps finding himself almost drawn away from the well while Merle and Taako begin their ascent. Several times Magnus has to catch him again, worried look on his face. “Hey, you okay, Ango? Just- it’s not your fault, right? Don’t think- it’s not your fault, okay, Ango?” Angus doesn’t know how to explain that, although he’s certain he holds a large part of the blame, _he stumbled with Gundren in the cave, he insisted they let the orc boy go,_ it isn’t guilt he’s feeling when he starts to walk away.

            It’s easier when they’re pulling Killian out of the well. Angus isn’t exactly _needed_ for that, but the distraction from what’s just transpired is good. It keeps his mind occupied and away from considering the magnitude of the catastrophe. His smart brain is more than capable of understanding it, but it also is far too much weight for such a young boy.

            “So, uh, what are we gonna do about that?” Taako gestures at the dwarven figure and gauntlet that none of them, save for Angus, have even attempted to approach.

            “Don’t look at me. You and Merle are the magic users.” Magnus catches Angus again, seemingly automatically. Angus hadn’t even realized that he was moving away this time.

            Taako and Merle look at each other. “What if it’s like the umbrella, and you just need to beat it?”

            Taako shrugs. “If you’re going to twist my arm.” And he starts walking toward it. Panic blooms instantly in Angus’s stomach.

            “Sir-” He starts, and Taako turns, questioning, and Angus opens his mouth to continue, to warn him against- a small, soft, insidious voice speaks up in the back of Angus’s mind, promising awe-inspiring power, power that would make what happened here in Phandalin look like a simple cantrip, raw magical power that could punish everyone who has ever escaped justice, all at once... Angus closes his mouth, shakes his head vigorously. _He wants the gauntlet._ No, he doesn’t. _He wants the gauntlet NOW._

            Taako shrugs and continues onward. But no, that’s bad because what if Taako gets hurt, what if Taako puts the gauntlet on, what if Taako puts on _Angus’s gauntlet_ … Taako stops a few feet away from the gauntlet, ears perking up a moment, seeming to think.

            And then it all stops. No insidious voice, no overwhelming swell of emotions he has no name for. Things are normal again. Okay, not normal, but Angus can think again. Taako turns around to face the three of them. “So, listen, the glove, like, really wants me to put it on. Can I get some group input on this thing?”

            “Don’t put it on.” Angus manages to spit out, because yes, _that_ is the right answer, and listening to the gauntlet is a bad, bad idea.

            “I, I say you back up. I mean, we’ve just seen it, like, not only destroy an entire town, but also two people that were using it.” Magnus says.

            “Oh, I don’t disagree. Natch. Here’s my argument though. We- it’s obviously very dangerous, and we can’t just leave it here. But we also can’t touch it. So you see the conundrum.” Taako gestures casually. Angus has no idea how he can even feel close to normal, not only after the destruction of Phandalin, but just being near that thing.

            “Okay, let’s search Killian one last time, see if we can’t find anything out.”

            “And when that fails, I’ll heal her.”

            “Okay, okay, good plan, but let’s tie her up before we do that.” The search reveals nothing but a silver bracer on Killian’s arm. Angus notes, with the first twinge of curiosity he’s felt since they came racing into Phandalin, that there isn’t any clasp on it; it’s just solid silver. And there is some kind of rune on it, though it isn’t one he recognizes.

            Once Magnus has bound Killian’s hands and feet with rope (and Taako has cautiously slid her magical belongings back over to her), Merle casts Healing Word. She comes to slowly, pushing herself up to sitting and noting with bemusement that her hands and feet are tied before looking around.

            “So, uh-” She clears her throat, and Angus is struck by a flash of sorrow in her eyes. “So, I guess we didn’t save Phandalin, huh?”

            “Yeah, I would say so.”

            “Guess we did a bad job.” She turns to Magnus and frowns. “Uh, can I have that back please?” She gestures with her bound hands to the crossbow, while Magnus starts to speak.

            “Well, I personally feel like we could have done more for Phandalin-”

            “-And my hands. I’d like for you to untie me.” Killian says over Magnus, who finishes.

            “-had we known what the _fuck_ was going on before we got here.”

            Killian rolls her eyes. “Oh, not this shit a- look, how many fucking times do I have to tell you that I can’t tell you fucking anything _useful_?”

            “I feel like you coulda done a little more. Maybe context clues, some charades.” Taako shrugs.

            “Yeah.” Magnus agrees.

            “Maybe a little.” Merle pinches his thumb and forefinger close together, indicating. Angus nods. “Maybe, maybe drop a hint that he was going to turn into a raging column of fire.”

            “Or draw a picture!” Taako tacks on.

            Killian exhales, clearly frustrated. “Fine! Tell me when it gets… staticky.” Killian is able to slowly explain, with some static and more frustration, that she is working in a group for the benefit of the world. Assuming that she isn’t lying, since Merle doesn’t have the spell slots to cast Zone of Truth, Angus concludes that this group Killian is working with is trying to contain the gauntlet. Or objects like the gauntlet. A shiver goes up his spine at the thought of _more_ objects with this kind of power.

            As though she’s read his mind, Killian’s eyes suddenly snap to the burnt form of Gundren Rockseeker and the untouched gauntlet. “Wait, wait, wait, hold the Stone of Farspeech… How have none of you grabbed the gauntlet and put it on?” She looks between them all, astonished.

            “Oh, we’re super cool.” Magnus offers by way of non-explanation.

            “We’re really chill, and if I’m being honest, cha’boy was afraid to.” Taako shrugs. Angus looks away from Killian, shuffling his feet. And promptly slips on the glass, falling.

            “There goes her thinking that we’re cool.” Merle watches as Angus carefully gets himself back to standing.

            “But, you mean, its thrall didn’t take you over?”

            “I mean, _it tried_ , and I’m super dumb, but I’m super willful. So it wasn’t even a thing for me. That’s how Taako do.” As when Taako, Merle, and Magnus beat Magic Brian, Killian looks incredibly impressed. Maybe even more so. Angus returns to staring at his feet, but that leaves him looking at his own reflection in the glass. He looks back up at his companions, pushing his glasses up his nose.

            “I- how- what- where did you guys come from?”

            “I’m from Raven’s Roost, and-”

            “Again, Magnus, save the backstory for like… 42 episodes.” Taako interrupts.

            “Okay. Okay. I’m gonna… let you guys in.” Killian starts slowly.

            “Don’t make me cast Zone of Truth again.”

            “No, no lying, no truth spell required.”

            “You don’t have any more spell slots anyway, sir.” Angus says before he can stop himself, and a tiny smile crosses his face when Merle throws his hands up in the air.

            “She didn’t have to know that though!”

            “ _Anyway_ , I think we could really use people like you. People who can actually _beat_ the thrall. And since you’ve already escaped the thrall, you can collect-” Taako’s ears perk up, and he starts off at a run back toward the gauntlet, slipping and sliding as he goes. “Don’t put it on!” Killian hollers.

            Taako picks up the gauntlet without burning himself and just chucks the thing in his sack. Angus lets out a breath that he wasn’t aware he’d been holding, and it looks like Killian has done the same. Meanwhile, Magnus has untied Killian, which also makes Angus feel a little better. She doesn’t seem like the kind of person who merits being tied up.

            “So can I have my crossbow back too?” Killian reaches out a hand for it. “I want it.”

            “Tough!” Merle says, while Magnus cradles the crossbow almost protectively.

            “But I really want it back. I like it a lot.”

            “Tough. We still don’t trust you.” Merle crosses his arms. Magnus, however, compromises, returning the bow and keeping the bolts.

            Killian accepts this and starts walking off. “So, we need to regroup, and we’ll need somewhere with softer ground. I can’t believe I’m bringing a kid back and that’s not even the weirdest thing. Oh, and thanks for the healing. Even if it really _was_ your fault in the first place for landing on me.”

            “It was a tiny well!” Magnus argues.

            “It wasn’t that tiny.” Angus says.

            “That’s because _you’re_ tiny, Angus.”

            “Anyway, it was your fault.” Merle says to Killian.

            “Sure. Mmhmm. Fine.” Soon they’ve reached the edge of the circle of glass, and Angus is _very_ glad to set foot on normal grass and dirt again. Killian presses something on her bracer, which quickly glows bright blue.

            “It should be here in about 30 seconds. What are your names again?”

            “Magnus. Magnus Burnsides. What should be here in 30 seconds?”

            “I’m Merle Highchurch.” Merle says in a voice unlike his own.

            “I’m Taako, kid is Angus, and Merle doesn’t normally sound like that. Character voices, my dude.”

            “And _where_ are you guys from? You’ve done, you’ve accomplished some pretty impossible feats.”

            “Well, I’m from-” Magnus’s explanation of his backstory is cut off yet again as a glass sphere lands. There’s a little bit of metal trimming, and Angus is pleased to note that there are five seats inside. Killian taps her bracer on the sphere, and an aperture opens up. Killian goes in, immediately followed by Magnus, who claims the second seat in the first row.

            Merle looks back at Taako and Angus. “Come on then. Let’s get in the big glass ball.”

            “Don’t have to tell me twice.” But Taako is eyeing the sphere, doing an Arcana check. “So it’s compression… magic.”

            “Compression magic on what?” Angus asks.

            “I’m not… sure. I just, it’s… compression magic.” Taako shrugs before almost absentmindedly ruffling Angus’s hair.

            “We’ll make Angus sit in the middle if you get in.” Merle says persuasively.

            “All right, all right.” And sure enough, Angus finds himself buckled into the middle seat between Merle and Taako while Killian taps her bracer a couple of times to shut the door. Then, out of the metal framing on top, out pops a large balloon, rapidly inflating to carry them to… wherever their destination is. As they glide up into the night sky, Angus hesitates and glances over his shoulder, to look back one last time at the circle of black glass that was once Phandalin. Just before it disappears from view, he catches a flash of bright red near the well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again!
> 
> So, uh, yeah, about that chapter length... the funny thing is, I really did think that covering the entirety of Here There Be Gerblins would be around the same length as the first chapter. The funnier thing is that I was worried about hitting 5000 words and was thinking about incorporating Moonlighting. Obviously, I was wrong on both counts. Astonishingly so. Subsequent arcs are definitely getting broken up across multiple chapters. Lunar interludes should hopefully fit into one chapter apiece.
> 
> While this one is done two weeks after the first chapter (yay, goal met!), I also wrote 60% of it and did all my editing in the last 36 hours. That being said, chapter 3, which will cover Moonlighting, should actually be shorter. So, theoretically, I might still be able to pull that one off in the next two weeks. I can make no promises how fast everything after that will come.
> 
> If you want to talk TAZ or ask about updates (I will not have an answer probably, but you can ask), I'm also charmandhex on tumblr. It's primarily TAZ and kitties over there.


	3. Angus McDonald, Bureau of Balance Seeker

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for Angus. His legs are really short, okay? A pretty big leap for Merle too. Pretty regular sized steps for Taako and Magnus. Does it really matter when the moon is already occupied?
> 
> Angus gets a history lesson. Taako breaks the rules, then his wand. Magnus makes a first impression with his coworkers. Merle probably shouldn’t supervise children.

            Traveling by glass sphere has its perks, Angus decides. Even from his seat in the middle - _thanks, Merle and Taako_ \- the view of the surrounding world is spectacular. He can see the Sword Mountains, the Stillwater Sea, even the lights and buildings of Neverwinter, steadily growing smaller as they ascend.

            Meanwhile, the moon is getting bigger. Too big, in fact. It’s still in Faerun’s atmosphere. The other moon is fine, impossibly far away as you’d expect it to be. Meanwhile, the first moon is enormous, and they’re headed straight at it, getting closer with each passing moment. Angus isn’t yet an expert in astronomy, but he knows that moons are not supposed to do this.

            “Um, Miss Killian-” Angus starts, well and truly alarmed.

            “Guys, the moon’s expanding!” Taako does not seem alarmed in the slightest.

            “Miss-” A portcullis opens in the side of the moon. Moons are most definitely not supposed to do that.

            “Ah, a portcullis!” And Magnus is pulling a goof too.

            “That’s no moon.” They’re all pulling a goof. At least Killian seems calm, like this is something she does all the time. Maybe she does.

            “Hold onto your butts,” is the only wisdom Killian offers before they reach the surface of the moon. And then they’re soaring through the moon.

            It’s dark. It’s dark, and Angus can’t see a thing. He breathes out a little too hard and a little too fast, but he’s certainly not going to call it a gasp, he’s a detective and a professional after all and-

            “Hachi machi, pumpkin, calm down, someone might think you’re afraid of the dark. ‘Least you can’t see what a mess your hair is. Cha’boy’s afraid of _that_.” Taako says as he ruffles some of Angus’s hair around.

            Right. Elves, dwarves, and orcs all have Darkvision. Angus and Magnus are the only ones who can’t see a thing. “It’s only a mess because you’re making it that way, sir.” Angus retorts, and that’s better. He sounds normal.

            “If you two can’t stop arguing, we’re turning this sphere around.” Merle scolds.

            “Pretty sure you can’t, old man.” Magnus comments dryly. Angus chuckles quietly, and he can see that things are already getting lighter. Soon they’ve emerged into some kind of dome, and Angus’s curiosity is engaged in full. _Finally_ , some answers. He might be the world’s greatest detective, but sometimes there’s only so much you can do with puzzle pieces missing. Especially when you can’t even tell how much of the puzzle is missing.

            “Now, things are going to be a little weird. I promise it’s going to get better.” Killian says as they start disembarking. Magnus, the first out of the sphere, reels, stumbling a few extra steps as soon as he makes contact with the floor. Taako and Merle react similarly, dizzy and thoroughly disoriented. Angus is fully prepared to topple over if this is what’s happening to the three adults when he steps out.

            And he’s fine. Mostly. His head feels a little… the best descriptor he can come up with is fuzzy, like when he’s trying to solve a problem and it’s too late at night and he should really be asleep and he finds himself unable to look at the problem head on. But he’s not stumbling, not like the three others.

            “All right, you all might wanna lie down or sit or something; you don’t want to faint on the stairs here. That would be bad. I’m gonna, I’m gonna go get you guys and all this taken care of, and that’ll probably take a few minutes. Especially since…” Killian glances at Angus. Angus swallows hard. Of course whoever’s in charge is going to have a problem with a kid being here. They always do. He always has to be twice as competent as adults. So now he’s hoping he at least gets a chance to argue his case; he’s more than smart enough for this organization. “Anyway, just wait a sec, and I guess, sit down and chill out. You’re gonna be fine.” And then Killian is gone, before Angus can ask any questions, before he can protest that he really feels just… fine.

            The three adventurers slowly lower themselves to sit on the stairs just outside the landing for the glass sphere, Taako with his head in his hands, rubbing at his temples, and Magnus starting to sweat. Angus, feeling more like he should than he really needs to, joins them, sitting on the top step, and looks around.

            The building they’re in now is dome-shaped and comprised of so many triangles of glowing glass that it blurs the line between polyhedral and spherical. It’s housing more glass spheres identical to the one that Angus just disembarked from, and Angus concludes that this is a hanger of sorts. And beyond that are holes in the floor, leading to tunnels out of the hanger. These are aligned with massive cannons, large enough that the glass spheres would easily fit into them. Angus eyes these warily. It’s hard to imagine how someone could manage these.

            And finally there are the people, of all races and genders and classes. They’re alike in their dress though, which isn’t unlike militia uniforms Angus has grown up around, though these are distinctly blue and silver. Angus also notices that each and every single person has a silver bracer bearing the same rune as Killian. The people nearest to them now are two guards. One is impressively impassive, though Angus wonders how effective a guard he can be if he’s not looking around for trouble.

            The second, however, keeps looking at the new arrivals, sympathy clearly written on his face. After a few more looks, he breaks his guarded stance and approaches them, pulling out a flask.

            “Here, uh, this will help.” He offers it to Taako. “It’s brandy.” Taako drinks before handing it off to Magnus. He immediately looks less dizzy, though still worse than Angus feels.

            “Listen, homie, great stuff, but it’s no Key Lime Gogurt.” Taako comments while Magnus takes a swig.

            The man chuckles, unsure if Taako’s serious. Angus isn’t sure either, really. “It’s from my hometown, Brandybuck.”

            “I’m really glad you’re not from Phandalin.” Magnus mutters, and Angus flinches.

            “W-why?” The man asks. “I have an uncle in Phandalin.”

            “Correction, darling. You had an uncle in Phandalin.” Angus doesn’t understand how Taako can say that smiling. Even if that isn’t a genuine smile, and his ears pull backward.

            “O-oh.” Angus can see the realization set in on the guard’s face while Magnus tosses the flask to Merle, who fumbles with it. He wonders if the man knows about the gauntlet, if he’s put two and two together.

            “None for me, none for me. I’m a cleric.” Despite his refusal, Merle looks green as he holds the flask out to the guard.

            “What about those alleged party points, sir?” Merle narrows his eyes at Angus’s quip.

            “Those are mostly for piñatas.” Despite the comment, Merle drinks. And then attempts to pass the flask off to Angus.

            “Sir!” Angus objects. “I’m a small flesh boy!”

            “W-whoa!” The man intervenes, reclaiming his flask and putting it away. “Kiddo here’s too young for that, even if he is here.” A pause. “Wait. Why are you here?” He asks Angus, and _here we go_.

            “I’m the world’s greatest detective, and I… helped.” The word is difficult when Angus remembers how much he’d wanted the gauntlet himself. “I assisted with finding the thing that we can’t hear people say. And since there are so many people-” Angus waves his hand around, “-and I doubt an organization would be formed just to track down one object that four people outside the group managed, I think I can be helpful finding any others that are out there, even as a child.” Taako, Magnus, and Merle are looking at him, and he knows them well enough to see the surprise hidden in each of their expressions. Angus shrinks back at that, but the man looks sufficiently impressed, so Angus continues. “In fact, given the juxtaposition of the extensive destruction and the degree of secrecy, the two dozen or so missing persons cases I have looked over and haven’t been able to solve are looking a great deal more suspicious. And if I can figure that out, someone else eventually will. Well, maybe. So frankly, sir, your organization _needs_ a good detective.”

            “Oh, you don’t have to call- I’m Avi.” The man reaches out to shake Angus’s hand. “That’s a lot better than I did when I got here. A lot better than anyone, actually.”

            “I’m Angus McDonald, sir. Pleased to meet you.”

            “But I just said-”

            “Can’t break him of the habit, homie.” Taako leans over to grab Avi’s hand as well. “My name’s Taako. You know, from TV?” That seems to just further Avi’s confusion. “Can’t let Ango steal the whole show now.” Which is true, Angus thinks while Magnus and Merle introduce themselves and the four talk about meeting up to bro out and lift weights and things that Angus doesn’t exactly have a lot of experience in. And Angus doesn’t even like the attention. It’s bad for undercover work. He just also has the most to prove.

            Killian is back. Angus holds his breath. “Okay, so, uh, you guys are clear. But, uh, the Director, she’s in charge, actually wants to talk to Angus first, cover a few things. So, what we’re going to do is, we’ll all go to the, uh, shoot, can’t say that, first stop for you three, which will explain _a lot_ , and then Angus and I will go on to talk to the Director. And then once you three are done, you’ll head over to talk to the Director as well.” Angus lets the breath out, feeling a bit deflated. Just as he thought. “So, follow me, and let’s get this show on the road!”

            “Now hold on.” Magnus looks between Killian and Angus and Taako and Merle. “Why does this Director want to talk to Angus separately first?”

            “I don’t know, probably because he’s a kid?” Killian points out, and Angus feels himself deflating further. “Like, look, I know he’s with you guys and all, but-”

            “Yep, and you missed his whole spiel with Avi like two minutes ago, but kid’s basically already figured out this whole deal.” Taako waves a hand around, gesturing at the moon base as a whole, ears twitching in clear annoyance. “Listen, if it’s a trust thing… you’re letting _us_ through with no question. Have you fuckin’ _met_ Merle?”

            “Hey!” Merle’s protests aside, Angus feels a flicker of hope. Sure, they’re likely to fail, but they’re actually arguing on his behalf? If Killian’s response is what he’d expected, this is so far beyond what he would have thought to hope for.

            “And listen, sounds a _little_ sketchy that she’d separate the kid out. Stranger danger and all that.”

            “Sir, I haven’t known any of you that long at all.”

            “Hush, Ango McDango, Cha’boy’s arguing your case over here. Don’t you have loads of detective experience with that shit?”

            “Look, it’s not going to be a big deal! It’s just like… Angus, it’s just one extra step to the job interview before you get to know what’s going on. And, like, this is the Director’s decision. What she says, goes.”

            “Hold up. So this isn’t like… We’re going somewhere, we’re going to get to find out what’s going on, and Angus, who has already figured out more than the rest of us, uh, _combined_ , has to go impress your boss.” Magnus says, exasperated.

            “Yes! That’s exactly right.” Killian sounds equally exasperated. “And she’ll be your boss, too, if you decide to stick around. Do you all just have huge problems with authority figures?” A chorus of assents from all three is her answer, and Killian sighs. “Look-”

            “It’s okay, sirs. Really. Kind of what I figured would happen, honestly.” Angus looks at Killian and pushes his glasses up his nose. “So, where to?” He thinks he makes his tone positive. And, really, this was only to be expected. He always, always has the most to prove.

 

* * *

 

            The moon is not what Magnus expected. Granted, he never expected to be walking on the moon at all. But he wouldn’t have guessed he’d be walking on a large grassy field, illuminated by the moonlight, with blades of grass fluttering softly in the gentle wind. It’s surprisingly warm up here, given the altitude. He would know; he probably has that proficiency. Magnus looks around at the different buildings, all dome-shaped and near identical save for one more typically shaped building that he doesn’t get a good look at, while they cross the quad. Despite the late hour, there are a good number of people out and about. Some of them greet Killian, but for the most part they ignore the newcomers, aside from a few passing curious glances.

            He also considers what Angus said while they approach their destination, a dome that’s somewhat squatter than the rest and has a crystalline spire shooting upward out of it. It does make a certain amount of sense, that you wouldn’t form a whole organization just for _one_ object. The hairs on the back of his neck prickle at the thought of someone like _Kalen_ getting his hands on something like the gauntlet and what kind of destruction would ensue. Magnus can understand the appeal of making or joining a group like this, one seeking to prevent that kind of damage, just as much as he can’t understand why someone would willingly send anything capable of that out into the world.

            And then there are the missing persons cases Ango mentioned. Magnus will have to take his word on that, but it does seem to align with the degree of secrecy that they’re working with here, such that he and the others can’t even mentally comprehend what’s being said. Magnus frowns, watching Angus. It’s really, really shitty that they’re making him jump through extra, probably unnecessary hoops.

            They follow Killian into the building and over to the only thing in the building, a cylinder that lines up with the glass spear overhead. She taps her bracer on the side, and a door slides open, revealing the cylinder to be an elevator. Magnus spares a moment to wonder who would design something only accessible by an elevator, as that would be terrible in an emergency.

            “So, I, uh, Angus and I, or Angus just for now and me just generally, can’t actually, uh, go down there with you. It’s sort of a high security area and all that, but that’s, that’s where you need to go next. We’ll, uh, we’ll see you when you come talk to the Director.” Angus stays next to Killian while Magnus files into the elevator followed by Merle and Taako, and his nearly impassive expression is somehow more upsetting to Magnus than if Angus were openly upset. Because the face he’s wearing now is the face of a kid who is upset and squashing it down, something that only comes from kids who have had to learn too much too early. Magnus isn’t sure if he wants to know if it’s something Angus picked up from his detective work, or if the behavior predates that. He’s also sure that it’s not just about talking to the Director, since what happened to Phandalin is constantly hovering in the back of his own mind.

            The doors are about to close when a mournful voice comes from behind them. “Can you hold the elevator please?” Magnus briefly contemplates hitting the close button for spite, and Taako actually leans over to likely do just that before Magnus sticks out an arm, blocking the elevator from closing. Killian steps back to allow a half-elf man who is unmistakably a bard and who seems to have missed the memo on suitable workplace attire to step into the elevator. “Thanks.” He comments. “Can you push the button now?”

            And as Magnus reaches over to push the close button, the flip wizard in the party makes use of his dexterity to reach through the door and grabs Angus by the sweater vest. As Taako yanks Angus into the elevator, Magnus repeatedly jams the close button. “What, sir!” Angus nearly yelps.

            “Wait, stop, you can’t- aw, sh-” Killian is cut off as the door closes. The bard looks at them, curiously. Taako lets go of Angus, who immediately starts straightening his clothes and pushing his glasses up his nose, and somehow manages to smile completely guilelessly.

            “Hey, uh, you are, you are supposed to be here, right?” The bard asks. “Like, most people don’t just go grabbing people onto elevators at the last minute.”

            “Definitely, we’re definitely supposed to be here. Killian let us on, didn’t she?” Taako responds, challenging, ears perked up.

            “She definitely did.” Merle backs Taako up, but Angus is looking between them all, looking torn between confusion, happiness, and worry.

            “Sir, I-”

            “You wanna be here, right, Agnes?” Taako hisses quietly, and Angus clams up on the confession. “Yep. What he said. Totally supposed to be here, my dude. So, uh, do you work here?” It is, in Magnus’s opinion, not Taako’s best attempt at distraction. But it works.

            “No, I just got lost and ended up on a moon base.” The man says, and despite the joke, he still sounds utterly melancholy while he shifts some of the papers he’s holding around. “What gave it away?”

            “Well, sir, we’re here, but we don’t work here, so kind of a fair question.” Angus snarks out. At least he’s on board with the “supposed to be here,” part of the conversation.

            “Oh, uh, are you guys initiates?”

            Before Angus can respond, Taako hurriedly says, “Yeaaaaaaaah. Initiates. Yeah. That’s exactly what we are, my dude.”

            “Can I ask your name, uh, bard man?” Merle asks.

            “My name is Johann.”

            “Okay, Johann. Why are you… like this?” Magnus gestures. “Not like, like a bard. Like, sad. ‘Cause you are a bard. And you’re on the moon! That’s pretty cool. So, what’s wrong, dude?”

            “Like, that’s cool and all, but I’ve gotta question my life choices. Not exactly a lot of customers on the moon. And I’m basically like the greatest violinist ever, but, like, no one is ever going to know who I am. That just kinda gets to me sometimes, you know?”

            “Why wouldn’t they know who you are? Are you that bad a bard?” Angus asks, sass creeping out again.

            Johann doesn’t answer, instead pulling out his violin from where it’s been strapped to his back. “Would you guys… would you mind if I played for you?” At the affirmative reply, he starts playing.

            It’s the most beautiful goddamn music that Magnus has ever heard. He quickly dissolves in tears, everyone else following soon after. Merle even has snot bubbles. The tears taper off when Johann finishes, though Angus is still hiccupping periodically and sniffling.

            “Johann, why, why aren’t you out there sharing this gift with the world?” Magnus asks.

            Johann gives a sort of half shrug, only seeming to grow more morose. “It’s in the contract, you know? You’ll see.” At that, the door to the world’s most slowly descending elevator opens onto a hall with seven guards on each side of the hallway. Johann steps out first. “These guys are new recruits, here to get inoculated. Don’t worry about them.”

            The secure room at the end of the hall houses some kind of… massive aquarium. Magnus squints to try to see what’s in the tank, but whether it’s the lighting or the murky quality of the water or something else entirely, he can’t get his eyes to focus on it. Trying to look in the tank has the same sort of staticky feel that happens when Killian says something they can’t understand. It also doesn’t help that the dizziness that set in when they stepped onto the moon base is back in full force and worse than ever. Magnus glances at his companions to see that Merle and Taako look to feel the same way that he does. Angus looks a little woozy but considerably less affected. He’s eyeing the tank, brow furrowed in thought, gaze shifting when Johann opens a drawer at the base of the tank.

            Magnus watches as Johann puts in the scrolls of paper he’d been holding, which float up into the tank when the drawer is closed. And then they seem to disappear into the murk, and Magnus can’t, can’t seem to recall that song of Johann’s from moments before. That song that had been so beautiful as to be unforgettable is now forgotten. Johann sighs, muttering, “There goes another great composition,” before turning to them. “You ready for things to get weird?”

            Johann goes to the side of the tank, to a spigot Magnus hadn’t noticed while he’d been trying to sort out what exactly is in the tank, and fills up four phials with the dark, cloudy water. “So, uh, this isn’t really going to taste great, and there’s really, really no going back from it.”

            “From what?” Merle asks as Magnus quickly drinks down the contents of the vial. Johann was right; it’s pretty disgusting.

            And then Magnus remembers. He remembers Johann’s song and more. Killian had asked if they sought the Phoenix Fire Gauntlet, and Magic Brian had asked if they were members of the Bureau of Balance. And then his memories extend further, past his recent adventures, past his mourning, past Julia and the revolution, to a war. A war ten years ago, that resulted in such bloodshed as that the world had never known, a war where Magnus himself had surely lost loved ones, a war that should have been impossible to forget…

            Magnus blinks as the memories resettle in his mind and realizes that he can now see what is in the tank. The jellyfish is enormous, and its body looks as though it contains galaxies. Magnus looks back at the others. “I remember everything.” He breathes, still half in shock over it all. “Here’s the thing, guys.” He starts into an explanation automatically and can see the moment it turns to static by the frustration that crosses their faces. In response, Taako tosses his vial back. Angus follows, still cautiously watching Magnus, as if looking for any sign that the ichor is poisonous. Merle seems to realize he’s the last holdout and drinks his as well.

            “Sour cream!” Taako exclaims and goes to scribble something in his book. That… was not quite the reaction that Magnus had expected, given what he’d just remembered. Merle looks more like what Magnus thinks he had looked like, astonished that they could have forgotten something of that magnitude. Angus looks mostly just bemused. Right, he’s not old enough to remember the war. He probably just got what Killian said about the gauntlet and the Bureau of Balance from Magic Brian. And now he’s staring at the jellyfish, mesmerized and mouth just a little bit agape. Magnus is glad that they managed to sneak him along.

            “You guys good?” Johann asks, looking at each of them. “Bureau of Balance? You hear that all right?” They all nod, and Angus snaps out of his stupor, opening his mouth to ask approximately four million questions. Okay, maybe Magnus is less glad that they managed to sneak him along.

            “Yeah, Bureau of Balance.” Magnus confirms.

            “Bureau of Balance.” Merle repeats.

            “Cool, uh, welcome to the club then.” At that, Magnus turns and bows to the jellyfish. It seems like the correct thing to do. “Why, what are you doing?”

            “Bowing to the club’s jellyfish god?”

            “It’s not, it’s not a _god_.” Johann sounds almost vaguely indignant, despite the sadness still emanating from him. “We call it the voidfish. It basically feeds on information, and whatever information you feed it, it basically just… removes from existence. It just sort of stops existing to you unless you’ve been inoculated, by uh, by drinking from the tank.”

            “So, you write your compositions and then you have to let the voidfish consume them?”

            “Yeah, I’m basically like the gamekeeper, and I sort of keep it fat and happy. ‘Cause we don’t know what would happen if it stopped eating or if it died, but we’re pretty sure that would be… bad. Anyway, uh, now that you’ve been inoculated, the Director will probably want to talk to you.” The Director. Who is apparently in charge. Whose instructions they’ve already had a hard time following. Magnus is sure that this is going to go just _great_.

 

* * *

 

            Killian isn’t waiting for them when they get off the elevator. But it’s easy enough to get directions to the briefing room where they’ll meet the Director. Taako is unsurprised to find that they’re headed into the largest and grandest dome. It’s what he’d do if he were in charge of a secret moon base, natch.

            They head into something like a throne room -still consistent with how Taako would handle things if he were in charge- at the end of which is a dais and the Director on that.

            The Director of the Bureau of Balance turns out to be a human woman with dark skin and white hair in her 50s. At least, that’s what Taako would estimate; he’s not great with human ages. She has also kept up with the color scheme, wearing an elaborate blue and white robe. Her staff is made of a white wood but is out of place in its simplicity and entirely unremarkable.

            “Welcome, the, uh, the _four_ of you, to the Bureau of Balance.” She greets them. “Uh, it’s a pleasure to meet you. I’ve heard a lot of great things about your performance from Killian. Even though, even though you didn’t do so great a job on the listening front. And we’re going to have to talk about that. But-”

            “Listen, I’m chaotic good on a good day and just chaotic the rest of the time, and, uh, I’m _basically_ responsible for Agnes at this point, so we’re, uh, we’re keeping him.” Taako doesn’t make eye contact with the Director, instead studying his manicure. Between the gerblin cave and the Black Spider cave and the fiery dwarf, he’s chipped a couple nails.

            “Well, we’re both kind of responsible-”

            “Don’t know what you’re talkin’ about, Maggie.”

            Merle cuts in. “I’m definitely not responsible for the kid.”

            “Nobody is _responsible_ for me. I’m fine on my own!” Angus sounds exasperated. The Director looks perplexed. Taako thinks he also sees a smile tugging at the corners of her mouth, but it’s gone in an instant, back to pure gravitas. Hm.

            “Okay, uh, we weren’t going to kick him out or anything like that. I really just wanted to clarify a few things with young Angus before he drank the ichor from the voidfish but, no, uh, no unringing that bell. But, uh, before we go any further, about anything, I’m going to need for you to hand over the gauntlet, so we can destroy it properly.”

            “But it’s our gauntlet.” Magnus objects.

            “But, sirs, we want to get rid of it.” Angus objects right back.

            “Yeah, kid, but the grownups here are also kind of in the business of getting stuff and having people pay us for it.” Merle responds.

            Angus puffs up like some kind of tiny bespectacled bird. “I helped!” He says insistently.

            “Be that as it may, little man, we still gotta get paid.” Taako turns back to the Director, raising an eyebrow expectantly.

            “Oh, you will be paid. Very, very handsomely.”

            “See now, listen. That’s the kind of thing people say before they try to kill you.”

            “No, no, that’s not how the Bureau operates, uh, Taako. Um. Give me a moment. Davenport?” She calls, and a gnome walks out with a coin purse on a tray. Taako guesses he’s some sort of butler; it’s consistent with the mustache.

            “And, uh, excuse me, ma’am, what is your name? It seems like you already know all of ours.” Magnus asks, and the Director suddenly looks flustered.

            “I, uh, that’s actually classified. The Director, or Madame Director, is fine.”

            “Lady Director?” Merle suggests.

            “Nope. Hard pass.” The Director almost cringes, and Taako finds his opinion of her improve a degree.

            “Well, Madame Director, I’m happy to destroy the gauntlet. More than happy to. I would, we would, like to be around to see it actually destroyed though.” Angus nods in agreement while Magnus speaks.

            “Of course, I imagine you would; it’ll be quite spectacular.”

            “So, like, fires of Mount Doom?” Merle asks.

            “I wish it were that simple. It’s taken us quite some time to find an effective process capable of destroying something like this.”

            “Okay, listen. I’m but a simple idiot wizard.” The Director frowns at this, but whatever. Taako knows he’s right. “So could you maybe-”

            “Oh, don’t sell yourself short.”

            “No, he’s not. That’s accurate.” Thanks, Maggie. Much appreciated.

            “No, I appreciate it, but I’m comfortable where I’m at. But like, listen, could you tell us about your organization before we hand it over? Cause it makes- remember Phandalin? Burned up. Totally burned up.”

            She looks disconcerted, like doubt is creeping in. “You, you are the, the three- er, four, who, stopped Magic Brian and defeated the thrall of the gauntlet, right?”

            Magnus attempts to placate her fears with, “Madame Director, I promise that we’re more than we appear. But if you could answer his question, tell us about your organization, then we could get to the gauntlet-destroying, maybe have some tea afterward, a nice oolong.”

            Her confusion turns to mild irritation. “You think that, what, because I’m a woman in my 50s that I must enjoy tea?”

            “No, no, I like tea. You can have hot chocolate like Angus if you don’t.”

            The Director sighs before beginning her explanation. “The Bureau of Balance is, essentially, kind of like a disarmament organization of sorts. It is our goal to go out into the world, to collect and destroy certain, ah, certain weapons of mass destruction. We want to make the world safer by destroying things that threaten it, artifacts like the gauntlet currently in your possession.” That… that tracks. Even if Killian had tried to kill them. And no one here had exactly been forthcoming. Both actually make more sense with the context.

            So Taako tosses the Phoenix Fire Gauntlet into the iron sphere that’s rolled out and watches along with Magnus and Merle as it’s wheeled into the next chamber over. Angus is conspicuously looking at everything _except_ the gauntlet in the sphere, even as it levitates into the air. He does look up from his feet as soon as the first pillar of light blasts out of the wall of the destruction chamber and watches with the rest of them as the sphere is hit repeatedly.

            “So, payment upon obliteration.” The Director says grandly, back to her calm demeanor. Davenport offers up the bag of coins, which Magnus takes, with Merle’s approval. Apparently they don’t trust him around money, which, fair. Taako doesn’t trust them with anything at all. “That gauntlet you just destroyed is -was- responsible for some of the worst atrocities that this world has ever known. It was created by a group of wizards and warlocks and other magic-users, who refused to limit themselves. When they refused to reign in their experimentation, that resulted in the creation of what we call the Grand Relics. We’ve been searching for so long; the Bureau’s entire purpose is to track these specific objects down. There are seven in the world, and-”

            “Six!” Magnus interrupts, grinning.

            “Right. Six now, because of you. You should all be very proud of yourselves.”

            “Right, right. Oh, hey listen. Two things. First, you know anything about this umbrella?” Taako pulls out the umbrella that he’d gotten from the skeleton just outside the vault that the gauntlet had been locked in.

            She looks the umbrella over, and her expression is entirely blank. “I can’t say that I do, but perhaps out artificer might. I can send you his way later.”

            “Cool, cool.” Taako shoves the umbrella back in his bag. “Second, you’ve got this whole organization, on a secret moon base, and before we showed up, the scoreboard was still on zero? We could barely get out of a cave, and we destroyed one!”

            “Two things in response. First, don’t sell yourselves short, please. I’m certain that you’re capable of more than you think. Second, the Bureau as it exists now, has really only been operational for, well, less than a year. What we do wasn’t possible until we discovered the abilities of the voidfish. With the creation of the Relics and how quickly word of their power spread, well, as you three now remember, everyone wanted them, and that precipitated a war that only amplified the bloodshed caused by the Relics themselves, a war that the three of you now remember. It wasn’t until everyone had forgotten them, the first time the power of the voidfish was used ten years ago, and the turmoil subsided, that we had any hope of being able to seek them out and destroy them, when we learned how to effectively inoculate people.”

            “Sounds pretty straightforward.” Magnus nods.

            “That seems logical. And it did work.” Angus agrees. Of course he does.

            “I mean, it is complicated, but I’m hoping you’re all on board.”

            “Sounds like you’re offering us a gig.” Merle says bluntly.

            Before the Director can respond, Magnus jumps in with a question. “Do we get a license to kill?”

            “You don’t. Um.”

            “Ugh.” Magnus rolls his eyes.

            “Well, I mean. What I’m saying is, you don’t need one.”

            “Oh, okay.”

            “Now, uh, our organization is made up of three main roles. We have Seekers, who search out any information that can aid in the finding of the Relics, but who are forbidden from claiming the Relics themselves. That is the job of the Reclaimers. It’s a very hard position for us to fill, because most of the time someone discovers a Relic, it is impossible for them to fight off the temptation to claim it as their own. Which brings us to the third role, the Regulators. If someone goes rogue, or well, not _rogue_ , Carey Fangbattle would take offense- if we have anyone who uses information about the Relics or one of the Relics themselves improperly, the Regulators go in and, ah, straighten things out. That’s what Killian does; she’s one of our star regulators. When you met her, she was tracking down one of our wayward Seekers, Brian, though I think he introduced himself to you as the Black Spider?”

            “Oh, yeah, Magic Brian. We killed him.”

            “I killed him.” Taako points out.

            “It was a group effort.” Magnus equivocates.

            “Yes, uh, yes, thank you for that. So, uh, here’s where, here’s where the job offers kind of, kind of differ. Angus, I’d like to offer you a position as a Seeker. We’ve been kind of… monitoring you since you were investigating some of our previous members or people we’ve, uh, run into prior, and I have been astounded by your work. Seekers are also in the, the safest position, strictly speaking, and I cannot condone putting you directly in harm’s way, especially in the way of one of the Relics.”

            Angus doesn’t hesitate, nodding frantically, eyes gleaming. “Yes! Yes, ma’am.”

            The Director smiles. “And we would be happy to hire the three of you on as Reclaimers. If you agree, then the only thing standing in the way is the test of initiation, before you can get your bracers.”

            “Oh, well, I’ll see you guys later.” Taako makes to turn and walk out.

            “Can we get a proctor for Taako? Or unlimited time?” Merle asks.

            “There’s no, there’s no written component.”

            “Wait, doesn’t Ango have to take a test?” Magnus asks.

            “Is there a written component for my test?” Angus sounds almost hopeful, the nerd.

            “There’s no test for Seekers, since they work alone, and Angus is known to be more than qualified, even with his young age. For Reclaimers, this will be a test as much of your ability to work together as it is of your individual abilities.”

            “Oh, well, I’ll see you guys later.” Taako makes to turn again; Magnus and Merle stop him.

            “Sir, we already made it this far.” Angus says quietly.

            “Fine, fine. But don’t go blaming cha’boy when we fail.”

            “All I need to know is, between the three of you: Which of you is the smartest? Which of you is the strongest? Which of you is the bravest?”

            After some discussion and several goofs, they have their answers.

            “I’m the smartest.”

            “I’m the bravest.”

            “I’m the strongest.”

            There’s the ghost of a smile on the Director’s face as she taps her staff on the ground, and then Taako is unconscious.

 

* * *

 

            Angus looks around at the now unconscious Taako, Merle, and Magnus before looking back at the Director. “Um, Madame Director? _What the fuck_?”

            “It is a bit overdramatic, isn’t it? We needed a way to make sure that people were going into the test blind when we started, and we’re just kind of stuck with it now.” The Director steps down off the dais to Angus. Killian comes out, accompanied by Avi and a blue Dragonborn woman and a dwarf, to pick up the unconscious trio. “If you’ll come with me, we can head to the observation area while everything and everyone gets situated. I’m sure you still have some questions.”

            And so Angus follows her up to an observation deck overlooking some kind of arena. Angus watches as the Bureau members start setting up the test below. “I know I said yes, ma’am, and I absolutely, unequivocally want to be a Seeker for the Bureau of Balance, but… but there is something you should know first.” Angus takes a breath, squares his shoulders, and pushes his glances up his nose as he turns to look the Director square in the eyes. “First, I screwed up. I mean, we all screwed up, with Phandalin, but I share some of the responsibility for what happened. But even more than that, the bigger issue is… I wanted the gauntlet. I didn’t beat the thrall; I walked right into it, ma’am. And if Taako, Magnus, and Merle hadn’t been there, even seeing what happened in Phandalin, I wanted to use it. And I understand… I understand if that means that I _can’t_ be a Seeker.”

            For a moment, the Director looks both much younger and much older than she is. She ducks down to eye level with Angus. “Angus, this is… very important for you to understand. You’re a very smart little boy, so I trust you will. What happened in Phandalin, no matter what you think of the events that led up to it, is not your fault. The people who bear responsibility are the ones who made the Relics and no one else. They bear responsibility for both the thrall of the Relics and the destruction that has resulted. I know you’re too young to remember the war, but perhaps if you did, you would be more forgiving of yourself. Even now, I have lost so many Reclaimers to the thrall of the Relics. Merle, Magnus, and Taako are truly a wonderful anomaly, and I’m grateful to have them here. I’m just as grateful to have you here as well, I promise, and I’m sure you will be one of the Bureau’s _best_ , most _baller_ Seekers. Do you understand that? And will you still join?”

            Angus doesn’t think he can speak, so he nods. As the Director straightens, Davenport announces himself with a cheery, “Davenport,” and Angus jumps, looking at the gnome. He’s holding another tray, this one with a small silver bracer that could fit a child on it.

            “Now, they don’t come off once you’ve put them on, so make sure it’s the wrist you want. Most people put it on their non-dominant side.”

            Angus nods, and puts the bracer on his left wrist. As the seam disappears and it turns to one solid piece of silver, he has a thought. “What’s going to happen when I start growing?”

            “Oh, shit.” The Director holds a hand up to her mouth. Davenport cocks his head to the side, gives a sort of shrug. “Uh, magic. Yes, we’ll definitely, definitely magic it so it’s the right size for you.”

            While Killian and everyone else continue their work, the Director answers more of Angus’s questions, about the Relic War and that missing history that’s just about as old as he is, and about the Bureau of Balance itself. She can’t tell him much about the order of Red Robes that created the Relics, but she reassures him that they are long gone, broken up in the aftermath of the war. By the time her explanation is finished, everything and everyone is in place for the test. Taako has been deposited in the center of the arena floor, at the base of a large pillar; Merle is strapped into the seat of some kind of cannon on a balcony overlooking that; and Magnus is lying in the center of a bridge higher still than that, next to a pedestal with a button. The rest of the Bureau members are leaving, presumably to come up to this observation area.

            “Ah, Madame Director? I did have one more question, about Bureau policy on, I guess outside work? I have a number of contacts with different militias, and if I just disappear, they’re likely to take notice.”

            “You’re welcome to take on other jobs essentially as you wish. Some Seekers do have, uh, regular day jobs, and oftentimes we can get some good information that way. You’ve worked with the Goldcliff militia previously? Captain Captain Bane there is one of ours. So, it’s entirely doable, and up to your discretion.” Angus makes a note of that. He already cut back on his detective work to balance out adventuring, but it’d be good to have the option again. Especially with an actual defined place to come back to.

            Killian, Avi, the Dragonborn woman, and the dwarf come in and give the Director a thumb’s up. While the Director wakes the trio up and explains the test, Killian makes introductions. “So, Angus, meet the Bureau’s best Regulator squad.” She says with a grin. “This is Carey Fangbattle and Boyland. Carey, Boyland, this is Angus McDonald, world’s best boy detective.”

            “Just world’s best detective, ma’am.” Angus corrects while he shakes hands with Carey and Boyland.

            Carey laughs. “I like you. I’m the world’s best rogue.”

            “I am serious, ma’am.”

            “So am I.” Carey is suddenly and unexpectedly holding up his fingerprinting kit. Angus doesn’t know what he would have even needed to roll to pass that perception check.

            “Fair enough, ma’am. Can I, uh, have that back? Keep away isn’t my favorite goof.”

            “Of course. I steal things; I’m not mean.” Carey laughs and returns the kit. “Oh, the test is starting.” Angus steps close to the glass to watch, munching on one of the doughnuts that Boyland so nicely brought for everyone. He steps forward further, nose practically pressed against the glass and eyes wide as three ogres, one small and blue, one large and red, one green and squarely in the middle, step out into the arena below, while two robots pop out onto the bridge with Magnus.

            “I know Lucas Miller helped to build the moon base, but he should really do a better job on his robots.” Killian comments through a mouthful of doughnut while the red ogre that Merle has just hit with a potion is hit first by the green ogre and then the blue. “I mean, I know they’re _supposed_ to fall apart with one hit, but they really look it, too.”

            “They look shoddy.” Carey nods in agreement while Boyland puffs on his cigar. Sure enough, when Magnus strikes one of the robots, it shatters as soon as the axe makes contact. Another robot pops out at the end of the bridge, and Angus nods. So that’s the game there.

            They continue to perform well, Taako getting a gem from the blue ogre with Mage Hand (and avoiding getting hit by any of the ogres), Merle shooting potions, and Magnus defending the button. And it results in the blue ogre going down and Angus breathing a small sigh of relief. One down, two to go. They just have to keep doing well and hopefully not try anything too crazy.

            Naturally, next Magnus seizes one robot’s arms and, absurdly slowly, almost comically slowly as gears twist and break, tears the robot’s arms clean off.

            “Well that’s… novel.” The Director says calmly.

            “He ripped the robot’s arms off! He just ripped them off!” Carey exclaims, significantly less calmly, getting bits of doughnut everywhere.

            “At least the robot didn’t feel anything?” Angus offers, but he doesn’t look away from the test below.

            “But he ripped its arms off!”

            Taako blasts the green ogre, and Merle takes the red ogre down with an acid potion. Leaving Taako alone in the arena with the ogre he’d just blasted with Magic Missile. Angus doesn’t let out a sigh of relief this time.

            “Come on, come on.” The Director speaks so quietly that Angus thinks that he’s the only one who hears it. He glances over for a split second, unwilling to miss anything. Her face is practically up against the glass as well, dignified persona abandoned.

            The green ogre smacks Taako halfway across the arena and Angus yelps. And then an automaton successfully hits the button, zapping Taako and Merle, and Angus yelps again. Killian puts a reassuring hand on his shoulder, but now Angus _can’t_ look away. They can’t fail this test, right?

            Magnus breaks through the glass and jumps to the floor below, resulting in a chorus of, “Oh, shit,” all the way around (including Angus) and Carey very nearly anxiously leaping on top of Killian. His attack isn’t enough to take down the green ogre, which means he’s immediately smacked halfway across the arena as well.

            Taako, though, something is wrong. Angus’s stomach drops when he realizes that the wizard’s wand is broken. “Uh oh,” Angus breathes, but something else is happening. Taako reaches into his seemingly moving bag and pulls out the umbrella he’d gotten in Wave Echo Cave from the skeleton in the red… robe. Angus files that thought away for analysis later as Taako blasts the green ogre with Magic Missile for a second time. And the green ogre slowly, very slowly, crumples and falls. “ _Boo-yah_.” Angus looks up, surprised, at the Director. She doesn’t seem to notice, still intently watching the three below, eyes wide.

            It’s over. They passed the test. The four of them, Taako, Magnus, Merle, and, yes, Angus, are now officially employees of the Bureau of Balance.

 

* * *

 

            Surprisingly, they’ve passed. Of course, if you asked Merle, he would instead express that he never had any doubt. After a great deal of congratulations and a golf clap from the Director, which is gratifying, they get their bracers. The kid already has his, so apparently they are stuck with him.

            “Welcome to the club. This is very exciting; we haven’t had new Reclaimers in quite some time.”

            “Well, yeah, it’s no wonder.” Merle says, incredulous that she could miss the obvious. “It’s a tough process getting in.”

            “It’s not a very high completion rate.” The Director admits. Merle wonders how well she thought this whole thing through. “Now, uh, you’ve been paid very handsomely for finding the gauntlet, and you’ll be paid as such each time you follow up on information from the Seekers and find another Grand Relic. Preferably without the destruction of an entire city and also thousands of souls.”

            “I mean, ideally, yeah.” Magnus interjects. “But like… stuff.”

            “It’s collateral damage.” Merle agrees.

            “Now, we are certainly sympathetic to the fact that not everyone in the Bureau joined out of interest in monetary gain.” At that, Merle lets out a laugh. “Granted, that sounds like you don’t count yourself among them. But a lot of people who come to us are interested in power as well-”

            “I just want a dog.” Magnus interrupts.

            “I want favors.” Taako has that look on his face again, one that Merle has so far not enjoyed.

            “No dogs are allowed on the moon, unfortunately.” The Director ignores Taako.

            “What?” Magnus turns indignant.

            “Well, you see, the problem is, they just run right off the goddamn thing.”

            “Aw, I’d keep him on a leash, and I’d feed him, and I’d walk him every day, and I’d make sure he didn’t run right off the moon.” Magnus doesn’t need a dog at all with the puppy dog eyes he’s turned on the Director. Merle is impressed by how ineffective it is, like to the point where Taako or the kid would crack a joke that the puppy dog eyes are having about as much effect as Merle’s healing.

            “Besides, you let boy detective here on the moon.” Merle adds.

            “Yes, because he’s unlikely to just run right off the goddamn thing.” The Director exhales slowly. “Anyway, in addition to monetary gain, while we can’t directly grant magical items, we have a workaround for that, so Davenport will give you your final finder’s fee-”

            “He’s going to kill us!” Taako proclaims, overdramatic as always.

            “He’s going to murder you.” The Director says, deadpan and not missing a beat. “Thank you for your service, goodbye.”

            “So is this some kind of signing bonus?” Merle asks, unruffled, as they each take a token from Davenport.

            “Something like that. If you take these to our resident artificer, you can obtain a magical object that will be helpful in your quest to find the six remaining Relics.”

            “Listen, quick question: was the seventh Relic love all along? Because right now cha’boy’s plan after finding Relic #6 is to come back here and, uh, chill for a bit.”

            “Oh, and what happens to the bracer once we get all of them?” Magnus looks down at his wrist.

            “Oh, shit.” The Director looks surprised, and Angus sighs.

            “I’m guessing magic again, ma’am?” He asks.

            “Yes, def-definitely magic to get them off. Or grow them to the, the right, properly-fitting size. And no, the seventh Relic is not, it’s not _love_. Any other non-terrible questions?”

            Merle raises his hand. “Is there a healthcare plan?”

            “Um, just try not to die.”

            “What about a fantasy 401(k)? Employer matching?” Angus pipes up.

            “No, because if we fail there won’t be retirement to save for.”

            “Is there mileage reimbursement?” Merle asks.

            “No, uh, not necessary. We, and this sounds more unpleasant than it actually is, we shoot you out of a cannon to save a lot of boring narrative of traveling through forests or driving by cart between cities.”

            “So, my question is this,” Taako starts, “As far as you know, is there, is there a bad Bureau of Balance? A Bureau of _Imbalance_ , if you will?”

            “No, and I’ve covered this with Angus here, but the rogue wizards, the Red Robes, have, mm, disbanded, and are gone. So, as far as we know, there aren’t any around. But if you _do_ happen to find any, you should, ah-”

            “Kill them? Got it.” Magnus responds, rushing in as per usual.

            “No, no, not kill, just… detain them. They likely have invaluable information. And you shouldn’t… listen to anything they say.” Satisfied with that answer, Taako starts walking away, and the rest slowly follow him. Merle glances back as they go, and the Director looks incredibly tired. And weirdly hopeful.

            Despite the hour, and the kid looks like he’s about to fall asleep standing up now, Leon the artificer is still in his office. Dome. Office dome. And it’s up there for weird shit on the moon. Leon’s desk is taken up almost entirely by an enormous tome, and next to the desk is an even more enormous gashapon, filled with capsules of varying sizes. Leon gives a rundown of Bureau policy on handing out magic items, so naturally, the first thing Taako does is to ask about his umbrella.

            Leon looks over Taako’s umbrella, asking where he’d found it, before launching into an explanation peppered with questions from Angus and jokes from Taako and Magnus. Merle tunes out most of it, honestly. Order of nerd wizards, everyday items to hide your magic shit, magic-eating powers when you kick someone’s ass, yada yada yada. Absurd though it might be, he’s holding a grudge against the inanimate object for tossing him into the cave wall like a toy.

            After Leon is unimpressed with Magnus’s warm rock and horrified by the armless robot Merle shows him, Merle says, “I’ll spin first.”

            “Well, cranking, not spinning. But insert your coin into the slot, and let’s see what we’ve got!” Merle does so, and what has to be one of the smallest capsules in the machine pops out. Merle pulls out a clasp for his ear.

            “So, can we look this up in the ol’ book?”

            Leon does, turning pages nearly as long as he is tall, “Let’s see, index C… Clasp, clasp… Oh, this is a very interesting item! The True Heart Clasp. You wear it in your ear, and it aids in knowing a person’s true intentions.”

            “Wow, sir! That sounds like a very useful item!” Angus chirps through a yawn, overeager as always.

            “Yeah. Plus it looks dashing as hell.” Merle replies as he puts it on.

            “Pulling. It. Off.” Taako says with a thumb’s up and a lazy grin.

            Angus goes next, and out pops a capsule rather larger than Merle’s own had been. Granted, it isn’t like broom-sized or anything, and the True Heart Clasp should be useful. Angus pulls out a pair of goggles, and looks them over. They have a vaguely avian look, and as with the clasp Merle received, their use isn’t readily obvious.

            “Uh, sir? Could you tell me what these are? Please?” Angus asks, waving them at Leon, who nods and begins flipping pages. While Leon’s attention is occupied, the three of them start a game of keep away with Angus’s new toy.

            “D... E… still E… F… and there’s index G.” Leon is oblivious to Angus’s attempts to get his goggles back. “Goggles, goggles, so many goggles. Ah! Goggles of Night!” He looks up just as Magnus finally passes them back to Angus. “Hm, you’re human right? So these will really be useful to you then. While wearing them, you’ll have Darkvision out to a range of 60 feet. And, uh, they’ll fit over your glasses there.” He gestures.

            “Nice, little man, now you can see like the rest of us.” Taako offers a high five, which Angus almost reluctantly takes. Taako doesn’t make it a goof though, unfortunately enough.

            “Well, Maggie here is still left in the dark.” Merle laughs. “Humans, right?”

            “Hey! Humans are great!” Magnus butts in.

            “Sure, sure.” Merle brushes it off, while Taako steps up to the gashapon.

            “I have a coin.” Well, this is going to be interesting.

            “So go ahead, and put it right in the machine! Let’s see what you get!”

            Taako hands Leon his coin. Angus buries his face in his hand and sighs. And then yawns.

            “No, you, you have to do it yourself.” Leon’s excitement is quickly dropping off his face as he tries to hand the coin back. Taako has that effect on people.

            “But where does it… go?” Magnus has his face in his hand now too.

            “…Into the coin-shaped hole?”

            “Good news, I’ve solved your puzzle.”

            “Sir, ple-” Angus’s face is nearly split in half by a yawn. Who knew the solution to Angus talking was a tired Angus?

            Taako plops the coin into the slot and after considerable exasperation upon the part of Leon, turns the crank, and out pops another small capsule, the same size as Merle’s, which contains a Ring of Frost.

            Despite Magnus’s crossed fingers and repeated pleas for a magic dog as he turns the crank, out pops a mid-size capsule containing an axe called Rail Splitter. Eh, Magnus likes chopping things. It works. Merle eyes the axe suspiciously however. A cleric of Pan doesn’t _have_ to like an axe that can chop down trees with one swing.  Leon seems incredibly happy to see them go as they depart for Fantasy Costco, can’t imagine why.

            Fantasy Costco, Merle notes, is the only non-dome-shaped building on the moon base. He doubts the Director was especially pleased with that, given the running theme of glass, domes, and blue and white that is so prominent literally everywhere else on the moon.

            The jingle plays as they cross the threshold into Fantasy Costco, and yeah, that’s going to be stuck in Merle’s head for, uh, way too long. They split up immediately to look around, because there seems to be no rhyme or reason to the aisles and no signs indicating what’s where. Magnus is of course drawn to the thing that will let him punch better, and is knocked back a few inches when he tries the free sample. Taako is eyeing some kind of wand, while Angus sits on the floor, looking like one of those kittens or puppies trying not to fall asleep, though considerably less cute, in Merle’s opinion. Merle himself is going back and forth between the Extreme Teen Bible and the Scuttle Buddy.

            After a fair amount of bartering for the Extreme Teen Bible and the Scuttle Buddy and some nerfing of the Wand of Switcheroo, they’ve got their purchases. Merle contemplates leaving the now asleep Angus in the Fantasy Costco, but the employee makes a remark about the boss and vaguely suspicious uses for hair and blood. So Magnus picks him up, tucking one of four Stones of Farspeech into the kid’s pocket as he does so. Yep. Stuck with him. At least they’ve got a new gig.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again!
> 
> And welcome to the moon and hello to Lucretia! In other news, I'm not allowed to estimate lengths on chapters anymore. Sure, Moonlighting will fit into 5,000 words, I thought. That's a reasonable length, I thought. It's just a bit under 10,000 for the record. Oops.
> 
> So, I've already started outlining chapter 4, when it's going to be finished is hugely, grossly up in the air. First, it'll be broken up into at least two chapters, and I've not found where the best break point is. Second, I've got a move to make, a job to start, and a trip out to a certain live show on my calendar, so I'm hoping that the first part of Rockport Limited will be pulling into the station (it's late and I make puns when I'm tired) by the end of June (so at about the three week mark instead of two).
> 
> As always (and if you want updates or to listen to me complaining about trying to write from Merle's POV), I'm [charmandhex](https://charmandhex.tumblr.com) on tumblr as well.


	4. Angus McDonald, Early Bird

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Before there is murder on the Rockport Limited, there was murder off the Rockport Limited. Calling in a detective seems like a great idea.  
>   
> Angus leaves a note. Merle gets into a mud bath and then gets into character. Taako is the plane’s worst customer. Magnus investigates, and it’s only mostly not for work. Everyone needs a nap.

            In just three short weeks, the moon is more like a home to Angus than the house he had lived in for years. At least, maybe it is. It’s hard for Angus to determine when something is homey when he doesn’t have the best of baselines. But he has adapted to living on the moon base readily, and he does _like_ living here, so that has to count for something.

            Angus’s work as a Seeker so far has been both challenging and interesting, though in Angus’s opinion, it’s hard for a job to be the latter without being the former. So far he’s been working his way through the Director’s old notes tracking the last known locations of the Relics. It’s sobering work, reading her ever neat, ever steady handwriting detailing where they popped up and when, and what the results had been. It’s more disconcerting though that three of the seven Relics seemed to disappear off the face of Faerun around the time the voidfish was used for the first time. Those three he effectively sets aside to focus on the four others. The Phoenix Fire Gauntlet is gone, Angus is glad to note in his own neatly written work. Which leaves the Philosopher’s Stone, the Oculus, and the Gaia Sash as the Relics Angus thinks are most likely to appear. He compares the Director’s older notes -funny how she seemed to be the only one to have notes or information from around the time of the Relic Wars, but then she _is_ in charge of the whole operation- against the reports coming in of unusual magical activity from the planet-side Seekers. Angus quickly learns enough from her work to realize that everything coming in so far is a false alarm, an imperfect illusion or a storm that had built up over weeks rather than moments, but there are plenty of them to sift through before escalating to the Director and passing it off to the Reclaimers. Suffice it to say, Angus’s new job is keeping him busy, which keeps him happy.

            As far as living on the moon goes, originally, the Director had tried to put her foot down, insisting Angus get his own dorm room if only for the fact that he’s a little boy, who needs a regular eight hours of sleep on a consistent schedule. Which is not consistent with sleeping in the same room as four adults, none of whom are especially quiet either asleep or awake. That had lasted all of two days before Angus put his own foot down. He’d gotten accustomed to Taako’s erratic sleeping habits, Magnus’s tossing and turning, and even Merle’s snoring, and sleeping in a silent room had grown to feel almost unnatural. The Director had pinched the bridge of her nose in that most stereotypical of frustrated NPC behaviors and offered a white noise spell, but in that short time Magnus had seemingly conjured up a small bed that now resides in the three Reclaimers’ (and Robbie’s) dorm room. Not that he spends much time there beyond for sleep, what with the library and all.

            The Director gave him full access to the moon base’s extensive library, with her only condition being to please ask the librarian or another adult if he wanted to pull a book that was either higher than he could reach or larger than he could comfortably carry. Angus had never been granted such freedom to explore such a remarkable library. The rules of his parents had followed him even into his grandfather’s library, rules about what he could read and for how long and never forgetting what behavior was expected of him. The first time that Angus cautiously, hesitatingly pulled out a book on introductory magics to spend two hours reading it cover to cover, curled up in a squashy blue armchair with his socked feet tucked up under him, he’d been agonizingly nervous, certain that he was breaking the rules. It was absolutely delightful, and he’s spent more than a few hours in that manner now.

            Angus doesn’t spend all of his time working and reading and declining requests for too-easy detective work though. Angus is getting to know more of the rest of his new coworkers as well. Killian makes an effort to draw him into conversation whenever she sees Angus, especially Angus on his own, and Carey and Avi both quickly adopt that behavior too, with Carey oftentimes picking his pockets to do so. Boyland, though gruff and constantly surrounded by a cloud of cigar smoke, is usually happy to talk, especially about any one of his numerous children, always spectacular in his recall of his children’s interests and talents and always with a small proud smile on his face. It’s interesting to hear, but Angus always finds himself with a tight feeling in his chest after these conversations. With Johann, Angus speaks of music; he doesn’t know much, but that’s fine. With bright eyes and animated hands, Johann is at his happiest speaking of his music for music’s sake, with no thought of feeding the voidfish, and Angus is more than happy to listen to someone just as passionate about their work as he is about his own detective work. After some initial squabbles over the legality of having a child working on the moon base, Angus even gets along well with Brad Bradson from HR.

            Angus also sees a lot of the Director and Davenport. Angus is somewhat surprised by how much time the Director, his _boss_ , makes for him. She does seem to struggle with how to handle having a child around, even one as bright as Angus, but then again, Angus isn’t altogether a typical child, nor is he proficient in acting like one. Neither of them particularly like discussing the Relics, but books present a source of endless conversation. And then Davenport isn’t usually the best for conversation, but there are times when his eyes are clear and sharp. Angus doesn’t want to pry, given how sadly the Director looks at Davenport sometimes, but it’s clear that there’s more to Davenport than just, well, Davenport.

            The only people Angus doesn’t see much of, actually, are the companions he came here with. The three Reclaimers are often training during the day, or if they aren’t, they are busy with other things, even at night. Magnus seems incapable of having idle hands, either carving or building, as he did with Angus’s bed, or working out with other Bureau members. Merle has never liked Angus too much, so he doesn’t dare approach the greenhouse that is now Merle’s domain. Though neither does anyone else. Taako, well, with stopping in one place for an extended period of time, certain things seem to have caught up with Taako. Particularly the facts that he did _not_ unintentionally poison and kill 40 people with his transmutation magic and that the Bureau _does_ have a kitchen that is easy to get into at any hour. Angus comes by often enough or is drawn in by the most alluring of mouth-watering smells, but he’s only rarely allowed a taste, long after Taako has finished cooking. Other Bureau members are given the chance far sooner. Angus tries not to be disappointed; he helped, so doesn’t that count for something? But Taako still nudges him away when Angus gets too close while watching.

            Perhaps it’s because of the lull in adventuring offered by the stability of staying on the moon. Perhaps it’s because Angus needs to regain some sense of normalcy. Perhaps it’s the inexplicable loneliness that creeps in on days when he comes back to an empty dorm room, despite being surrounded by people the rest of the time and having been fine on his own before. Perhaps it’s a need to reassure himself of his own value, when others may have forgotten him.

            In any case, when Angus is contacted by the Rockport City Council, who offers a case puzzling enough to be of interest to Angus, he jumps at the opportunity. Or, jumps as soon as he again confirms with the Director that such outside work is okay. The habit of asking permission to do anything is hard to break. He does avoid telling her any specifics of the case though, half-certain she’ll say no if she knows that he’s going in pursuit of a serial killer.

            Angus quickly grabs everything he’s sure to need at the start of a case while the Director sends word to Avi to ready a glass sphere. He stops by the dorm room, but again no one is present, not even Robbie. Angus hesitates, shuffling his feet, before quickly scribbling out a note. They might wonder where he’d gone if he didn’t. Maybe.

 

_Dear sirs,_

_I thought I should tell you that I’ve taken a case and gone away for it. Not that I expect you to be worrying, sirs! I expect to finish and be back shortly. However, on the off chance that you might require my investigatory skills in any of your work, I didn’t want you to waste your time looking for me, or anything like that._

 

            He contemplates if there’s anything else that he ought to add. He really shouldn’t keep Avi waiting. So he signs:

_Sincerely, Angus McDonald_

 

            And so Angus McDonald leaves for Rockport by way of Neverwinter. If the Rockport Slayer targets victims with items of value, well, then he knows just the heirloom to get their attention.

 

* * *

 

            The dorm room is dark, all four of its current occupants soundly asleep. Robbie is sleeping in a position that cannot possibly be comfortable, blankets askew and surrounded by a number of half-empty potion bottles and entirely empty Pringles cans. In the bunk below, Merle is snoring at a volume blessedly less than that of a level 2 Thunderwave. Across the way, Magnus is half-curled, half reaching out for someone no longer there. Above Magnus, Taako has reached a point somewhere between finally relaxing in this environment and the exhaustion that comes with burning through every last spell slot during training, a point that allows him to pass out sleeping rather than meditating. Angus’s bed, smaller, constructed from a different wood, and up against the far wall, is unoccupied and neatly made, as it has been for a week now.

            A series of melodic notes followed by an announcement from Davenport shatters the silence. And as is commonly understood, a rude awakening, no matter how musically delivered, is still very much a rude awakening and should be treated as such. So Taako concludes that, really, the Director ought not to have been quite so surprised or quite so unforgiving when faced with three sleep-muddled, pajama-wearing Reclaimers at 3 in the fuckin’ morning.

            “What… are you wearing?” She looks remarkably aggrieved. To be fair, Taako had likely been equally as aggrieved the first time he had been confronted with Merle’s ass. “What is- what are you wearing?”

            “What are you wearing?” Magnus snarks back through a yawn.

            “My full business regalia.” The Director says it as though it should be obvious. Though it does look like her business regalia would also make at least somewhat comfortable pajamas. Taako spares a moment while he yawns to wonder when exactly she sleeps.

            “Cool.” Magnus nods drowsily.

            “You got ink under that thing?” Everyone very wisely ignores Merle. It’s simultaneously too early and too late to deal with that shit.

            “You three look like, like Fantasy Little Nemos. Merle, I can see three-quarters to four-fifths of your entire ass.” The Director says sternly. Taako snuggles further into his sleepy sack in response.

            “Sorry I’m cheating you of one fraction.” Merle shows no shame, not that he ever does.

            “Listen, this is my sleepy sack. I get night terrors.” The Director shifts in her seat but looks unimpressed.

            “The three of you-”

            “Someone unzip me!” Magnus complies, the only one tall enough among his companions to reach the zipper. Well, Agnes might be able to if he jumped, which would be absolutely fuckin’ hilarious, but kid hasn’t been around for a week. Something about a case. He’d left very little information in his note, but he’d probably rightly figured that none of them would care what sort of detective nerd shit that he was getting into. Probably tracking down a lost cat or something else that belongs in a children’s novel.

            “The three of you are going to need to suit up into your full business regalia, because I have a job for you that I need you on. Right now.”

            While speaking, Magnus yawns again, which sets off Merle yawning, which sets off Taako. “Sure, just gimme 45 minutes first.”

            The Director looks increasingly frustrated. Taako again wonders what she was expecting in the asscrack of night. “I can give you four at most.” She says shortly. In response, Magnus starts changing. Because absolutely no one around here has any sense of actual boundaries with coworkers. The Director begins her no doubt lengthy exposition. “Just hours ago, one of our Reclaimers, a man by the name of Leeman Kessler, was murdered.”

            “Oh, bummer!” Magnus says, tongue sticking out as he shucks off pajama bottoms, revealing duck patterned underwear.

            “His murder came at a most inopportune time-”

            “When is murder ever at an opportune time?” Magnus asks, now tugging on pants. Absolutely no sense of boundaries, the heathen. Not that Taako actually cares.

            “His murder came at a most inopportune time because he had just managed to locate and retrieve one of the Grand Relics.”

            “Which? Kid wouldn’t shut up about some of them.” Taako asks.

            The Director sighs, a truly long-suffering noise. Davenport, somehow the most alert and awake of everyone in the room, stares formidably at them, and Taako feels almost as though he’s on the receiving end of a blistering lecture. “If you’ll allow me to explain? Last night, we received a missive from Leeman indicating that he had obtained one of the Relics and was in the city of Rockport. But a thick fog has shrouded the city, and retrieval of both Leeman and the Relic wasn’t feasible. However, there is a train, the Rockport Limited, that runs from Rockport through the Teeth and into Neverwinter, where we could both more easily and more discreetly extract Leeman and the Relic. Leeman managed to load his cargo onto the train. Shortly after, he was murdered, leaving the Grand Relic on a commuter train departing in seven hours, leaving us in quite the situation.”

            Merle hrms, Taako yawns, and Magnus asks, “Do we know anything about the murder itself? Or the murderer?”

            “No, we have so far been unable to get in contact with the local authorities. And even then, there isn’t much we would be able to share with them, not what he was doing there or why he was murdered, especially since no one outside the Bureau should even know about the Relic. So any kind of communication would vastly complicate matters; there are too many unknowns in the equation to solve.”  
            ‘Ugh. _Math_.” Taako mutters darkly. He’s never been a fan of math as far back as he remembers. “So about that Relic?”

            “We… don’t know which Relic is on the train.” The Director admits.

            “How do you not know? Agnes had them memorized in like five minutes, pretty sure Leeman Kessler should have been able to recognize which one it was.”

            “We had to keep it purposely vague on the off chance that the missive was intercepted. The information is both too valuable and too dangerous to risk it falling into enemy hands. As far as we know, it’s still on the train. Which is where the three of you come in. We will need one of you to impersonate-”

            “DIBS!” Taako yells, the most awake he’s been since Davenport’s voice had come over the intercom to drag them out of bed.

            “O-okay. We will need one of you to impersonate Leeman Kessler-”

            “Double dibs!”

            “Leeman was a half-elf man, but we have no reason to believe that the operators of the Rockport Limited actually met him, so whoever has the most panache and flair, the highest performance skill-”

            “Uh, listen, listen, you know, cha’boy’s at negative one there, so I’m gonna diparooski.” Taako backtracks, suddenly conscious of the fact that while he lies quite easily, getting others to believe it doesn’t quite have the best success rate.

            “You three can decide amongst yourselves.” The Director waves a hand at them. “But for the remaining two, we have secured tickets for you, and your job will be to ensure that the new Leeman Kessler isn’t murdered, since someone is going around just murdering Leeman Kesslers.” With Taako now reluctant and Magnus voted most likely to be a bodyguard in any scenario, it’s decided that Merle will portray Leeman Kessler, Taako making a crack about character voices as they do.

            “Are you gonna fire us out of the cannon now?” Taako asks the Director.

            “We are absolutely going to fire you out of a cannon.” She nods, astonishingly serious and sincere given what just came out of her mouth. “Which is something you should probably get ready for.”

 

* * *

 

            It has been some time since Angus conducted true detective business. Three weeks since Phandalin and the Phoenix Fire Gauntlet and the arrival on the moon. Still longer since he met Magnus and Merle. And months since Angus had left Glamour Springs with Taako after solving the poisoning case and clearing the elf’s name. You’d think it would be enough time for perhaps abilities to dull a little, with time required to get back into the thick of it.

            And you would of course be woefully, tremendously, horribly mistaken.

            Walking through Rockport and looking the city over in the early morning light, Angus reviews the facts of the case, as he’s been doing since he took it on:

 

  * The Rockport City Council has hired him to investigate the mysterious Rockport Slayer, a serial killer who has been active for the past few months.
  * The killer unerringly targets wealthy victims and steals their most valuable possessions, leaving not even a shred of evidence (or at least not one the Rockport militia can find).
  * Aside from wealth, there seems to be no connection between any of the different victims, no all-encompassing overlap of work or family or social circles or location.
  * The Rockport militia has no suspects, because there is no clear motivation besides greed, which could apply to any number of people.
  * Naturally, Angus suspects that magic is involved. Which complicates matters.



 

            Despite the early hour, Rockport is already getting to work, with Tom Bodetts walking into factories and smoke starting to rise from stacks. There really are a lot of them, Angus notes before returning to the matter at hand. As evidence is limited and the wealthy citizens of Rockport are breathing down the council’s neck, Angus has opted for the more straightforward, far riskier approach:

 

  * Angus had left the moon for Neverwinter, where, after a very brief visit with his grandfather, Angus obtained one of the single most expensive family heirlooms he can think of.
  * His grandfather’s silverware set is worth 30,000 gold and is sure to attract the attention of the Rockport Slayer.
  * While no one remembered the victims bragging about the stolen items, Angus had made sure the whole week through to tell anyone and everyone that as soon as his business in Rockport is concluded, he’ll be off to return this very expensive silverware to his dying grandfather, and golly gee, Angus is just thrilled that his family trusted him enough to travel with such a valuable thing all on his own, and how many little boys can say that?
  * And he had waited. He had waited a whole week.



 

            Things had been pretty straightforward. It should have worked. But then there had been a wrinkle:

 

  * That wrinkle was the murder of one Leeman Kessler, which had happened the previous night.
  * Angus had looked over illustrations of the murder scenes earlier in the week, and, as soon as he saw this one, he knew it to be the work of the Rockport Slayer. Much to his irritation, the body had already been taken away by the time he had gotten to the crime scene, but that couldn’t be helped, especially at this hour. And it hadn’t been necessary to draw the correct conclusion anyhow.
  * So a very studious, very sleepy Angus had combed over the murder scene late into the night, with no useful evidence pointing to the killer.
  * There was, however, something useful. From a receipt in the trash, Angus found that Leeman Kessler had purchased a ticket on the Rockport Limited for the following morning -this morning- and, more importantly than that, he had already had a piece of cargo delivered to the train station, where it had been presumably placed into the train’s famous, or infamous among thieves, cryptsafe.
  * Given that Leeman Kessler was neither local nor a person of great means, judging by his lodging and remaining belongings, Angus could only deduce that this mysterious package had been the Rockport Slayer’s intended target all along.
  * While he couldn’t find any information or clues among Leeman’s belongings, he knew that whatever this mysterious object was, its value had to exceed that of the silverware set. Which meant that this was a valuable object indeed.
  * So, clearly, the killer will be on the train _today_ , in a second attempt to get their hands on this object.
  * Which means Angus has a train to catch.



 

            He passes the Museum of Industry (staffed by yet more Tom Bodetts; what kind of Pokémon NPC nonsense built this city?), and then Angus walks into the shadow of the Teeth, a darkness that slowly grows to cast the whole of the city in the shadow of the mountains by the end of the day. By late afternoon, Rockport often looks as though it, like the tracks that Angus’s train will soon follow, resides within the mountain itself.

            It’s with this new information in mind that Angus runs through his plan, skillfully adapted at the last minute:

 

  * While the Rockport City Council hadn’t been pleased to be woken up in the middle of the night -though who would be- but they secured Angus a ticket on this train.
  * The manifest had gotten a massive overhaul in the time since the murder as well, unfortunately for Angus. Or fortunately, given how much Angus loves a good mystery.
  * Leeman Kessler was the only passenger set to be on the train. In the hours after the murder though, four tickets had been purchased.
  * The first ticket went to Jess the Beheader, a Fantasy Professional Wrestler who is known for beheading defeated opponents. Jess has been on a tour, so it seems unlikely that she’s been in Rockport during every murder, but it is possible.
  * The second was purchased by a hedge wizard called Percy, though for some truly inexplicable reason, he had listed his name as Graham. More interesting than that though, is the fact that Percy, again under the name Graham, previously applied to work on the Rockport Limited, only to be rejected recently. He lives locally.
  * The last two tickets, purchased around the same time that Angus himself had gotten his ticket, are a complete mystery. Angus is of course suspicious of whoever will show up with those tickets. Kind of sketchy that, buying tickets that late to get on a train with a murdered man’s property.
  * Even the staff aren’t above suspicion, as both were assigned to today’s train at the last minute, after the first engineer had left unexpectedly for a funeral, while the wizard attendant had become ill at the last minute.
  * So today’s engineer is an elf by the name of Hudson, while the wizard attendant is Jenkins. A quick perusal of their work schedules reveal that both have been in Rockport while all murders took place.
  * Which leaves Angus with a lot of suspects and not an especially long train ride in which to solve multiple murders.



 

            Angus walks into the Rockport train station at 8 AM on the dot and quickly checks in with the Tom Bodett at the desk, picking up his ticket. And then Angus boards the Rockport Limited, glad that playing up the part of fancy little boy has left him well equipped to match the general splendor of the Rockport Limited. He’s greeted by an elf man with a magnificent mustache and a Rockport Limited uniform. Angus’s research would indicate that this is the engineer, Hudson. “Ticket and weapons, please,” Hudson drawls before really seeming to notice Angus. Angus, for his part, pastes on his most polite and charming fancy lad smile. “Oh, my apologies, young, er-”

            “My name’s Angus, sir!”

            “My apologies, Angus. Just the ticket, please; I can’t imagine such a fancy young lad having any weapons on his person.” Angus continues to smile guilelessly, knowing that his wrist crossbow is exceptionally well hidden. Being so underestimated is an advantage to being a detective at his age at times like this. And he hands over his ticket. “Ah, I remember, your cargo was delivered and placed in the safe this morning.”

            Angus smiles wider, harmless and non-threatening. It’s something he’s mastered. “That’s right, sir! I’m bringing my grandfather’s prized silverware to him in Neverwinter, and gosh, I’m just so excited to be trusted with such an important task!”

            “Of course you are. Now, Angus, my name is Hudson, and I am the engineer for the Rockport Limited today. Welcome aboard, and we’re happy to have you. We understand that you had many choices for your subterranean travel-”

            “Oh, it wasn’t a hard choice at all, sir! I just _had_ to take the Rockport Limited!” It’s not, strictly speaking, a lie. Angus has often found that the most effective deceptions are those based in truth.

            “Well, the train today won’t be an especially full one; I think we have… five other passengers. Though none of them have arrived yet, given the hour, so you’ll have your full pick of the passenger seats.”

            “Thank you, sir! My grandfather always says that it’s better to be hours early than a minute late.”

            “And we do value punctuality here aboard the Rockport Limited.” Hudson points to the secure door leading to the engine room behind him. “Once the remaining passengers arrive and it is time to depart, I will go into the engine car for the duration of the trip as a safety measure, though I can assure you there will be nothing to worry about. If you so need, you’ll be able to communicate with me over this system.” He points again. “And then once we arrive in Neverwinter, I will begin the process to unlock the cryptsafe, and you will soon be on your way to your grandfather’s house, cargo in hand. Please, take a seat, go to your room in the sleeper car, or explore the rest of the train. Jenkins, he’s the wizard attendant, can help you with anything you might require.”

            And with a cheery goodbye, Angus departs. No point in sitting and waiting in the passenger car; he doesn’t expect that any of the other passengers will show up for some time yet. He passes from the passenger car into the sleeper car, where another elf man in a Rockport Limited uniform waits with a solemn face. Unlike the engineer, he has no facial hair, though he does have a mesmerizing prismatic bowtie. “You must be our first passenger of the day. Allow me to greet you. Hello, I am Jenkins, and I will be the wizard attendant on board the Rockport Limited today.” Jenkins speaks in a long, slow voice that some might make fun of. Angus stuffs down the quip in the back of his head that sounds an awful lot like Taako and grins widely at Jenkins. His cheeks are already starting to get sore from all of the smiling, but Angus has done this many a time before.

            “Hello, sir! I’m Angus. I’m traveling form Rockport to Neverwinter to bring my grandfather his prized silverware!”

            “Ah, yes, I believe I saw that when I was helping to load the cryptsafe earlier. May I show you to your room or help you with your bags? Perhaps you would like a tour?”

            “I’d love to have a tour of the train and see the cargo car! That’s where my grandfather’s silverware is!” After leaving his bag in his opulent room, paid for out of funds from the Rockport City Council, Jenkins shows Angus first the dining car, with its nicely set tables and elaborate chandeliers and the small closet he can use to create a pleasure chamber via teleportation magics. And the door adjacent leads to the caboose, which is a windowless room, featureless save for the door they entered through, the door out of the back of the train, and the cryptsafe fixed in the middle of the floor. Angus prattles on to Jenkins, who he’s sure is no longer paying attention. The cryptsafe looks secure, and while Angus confirms that the rear door opens, rather to Jenkins’s consternation, it would be exceptionally hard to enter once the train is at speed, flying through the mountain.

            Angus lets out a genuine yawn though, as he really did not get much sleep at all the previous night, what with investigating the murder. After a brief lecture from Jenkins on how to properly use pillows, he returns to his sleeper car cart for a short rest.

            Soon enough, Angus is back in the passenger car, almost absent-mindedly flipping through the Book of Interception. His mind is honestly back on the moon base, on the search for the Relics, the library, his friends and coworkers. Possibly home?

            Jess the Beheader is first to arrive, and she hands over her axe to Jenkins to stow in the cargo car. Angus, having done his research, knows this to be merely a formality for Jess, as the axe is soulbound to her and can be summoned near instantaneously. She’s polite, but a bit disinterested, more focused on her tour than discussion with her fellow passenger.

            Graham is the next to appear. Angus’s eyebrows rise above his glasses at the sight. Graham’s rejection on his application for work here suddenly makes more sense when you see that he’s shown up wearing trashy robes with “juicy” written across the butt, like some kind of anachronistic reference that belongs to another world.

            It’s almost 10:15, the scheduled departure for the train, and no one else has arrived. And so far no one here seems to have any specific motive or means of committing the previous murders, though Angus has only begun investigating. Those mystery tickets are still sounding plenty suspicious. Could the reason that the Rockport Slayer has been causing so much trouble is because they’re actually _two_ people? And could catching the killer really be as simple as waiting for them to board the train?

 

* * *

 

            The first thing that Magnus notices about the Rockport Limited is that it is fancy as fuck. The kind of fancy that means none of the people around would be naturally inclined to help Magnus due to his folk hero background. The kind of fancy that even Angus, resident fancy boy on the moon base, would have a hard time keeping up with. The kind of fancy that makes one very, very conscious of the fact that just half an hour earlier, they’d been covered in congealed yellow swamp leech slime and that rinsing off with a hose in Tom Bodett’s backyard has left behind both damp clothes and a lingering smell.

            The place has enough gilt that Taako might be tempted to steal some of it. The seats that Magnus can see look plush and comfortable, though he prefers his own work. And the carpet, strangely enough, is shag carpeting, though even more strangely, it works.

            “Tickets and weapons, please!” They’re greeted by a mustachioed elf in a Rockport Limited uniform, and Magnus’s attention snaps off what of the passenger car he can actually see from where he stands.

            “Uh, no problem, my dude. Um, is it okay if I keep my umbrella in case of a storm?” Taako waves the Umbra Staff around. Hopefully they don’t require a coat check.

            “Um, yes, we don’t typically consider umbrellas to be weapons, not a whole lot of melee damage to be had there, though you shouldn’t encounter any storms on a train that’s going under a mountain.” The elf looks briefly flummoxed. “Can I see your tickets though, please?” For once they oblige without making someone’s life hell, and he looks over the tickets. “Oh, Leeman Kessler! I understand that we’re carrying some very precious cargo of yours in the caboose!”

            At that Magnus giggles. “Yeah, take care of his package. His package that’s in the caboose.”

            “Ah, this is kind of a fancy train so maybe… don’t? Please? Anyway, I am Hudson, the engineer of this train. Welcome aboard. Uh, now, Leeman,” He addresses Merle. “These are your compatriots, here?”

            Merle opens his mouth, and apropos of nothing, a Fantasy Scottish accent comes out. “Aye, my compatriots!”

            “Where did _that_ come from?” Magnus hisses out of the corner of his mouth.

            “I dunno whatcher talkin’ about! It’s right here on mah character sheet!”

            “That’s interesting, because the Leeman I spoke to over the stone…” Hudson shrugs, brushing it off. Thank gods. “In any case, you’re very lucky; this train has very few passengers, which would also be lucky if you were attempting to, say, run a game of sorts where you control and voice various NPCs. Crazy idea, that. But you’ll have your pick of seats. Now, ah, if you’ll give me your weapons please?”

            Merle passes over both his war hammer and battle axe, while Magnus hesitates.

            “But my whole body is a weapon.” He brags, flexing. He’s confident that he will easily have the largest muscles on the train.

            “Oh, like a sword that was kissed by a young witch and turns into a man? I’ve heard of those. But I will need your actual weapons now.” After some more grumbling, Magnus hands over Railsplitter -at least he’s already gotten to chop down a tree with it- but not Phantom Fist -the engineer has quite possibly the worst hand stink ever- and Hudson disappears momentarily.

            “Now, your weapons will be stored along with your package in the caboose-” Magnus giggles again. “-I will be in here.” Hudson points to the engine room at the front of the train. “I won’t be coming out at all as a security measure, so no unauthorized person can take the helm of this train.”

            “Is this foreshadowing?” Magnus interrupts.

            “Or perhaps rampant paranoia?” Merle offers an alternative.

            Hudson looks exasperated. It really is a common thing with them. “So I’ll be staying in the engine car for the whole trip, no visitors. I know that may be disappointing to some of you, much like our youngest passenger, but it’s engineers only. And once we arrive in Neverwinter, I will go to the caboose to unlock the cryptsafe to retrieve your package. After that, it’s in your hands.”

            Taako giggles now. “Sorry, could you clarify where the package is one more time?”

            “The package is in the caboose?” The three all laugh when he repeats the statement. “Okay, great talk.” And Hudson disappears into the engine room, the door shutting and locking with an audible thud and sharp click behind him.

            And so Magnus, Merle, and Taako move further into the passenger car, where three people are sitting, all separate, not interacting with each other. There is a dwarf woman who leaves Magnus wondering if he does in fact have the largest muscles on the train. There is a human wizard with a large, bushy beard, definitely larger than Magnus’s, and robes that even from here look trashy. And finally, there is a small, fancy-looking boy, staring straight at them, a look of utter shock on his face.

            “Well, shit.” Magnus hears Merle utter, accent dropped.

            “Hachi machi.” Taako concurs, equally quietly.

            This is entirely unexpected.

            They can’t just… ignore him, right? But they’re pretending to be not themselves, and they shouldn’t know him. What is Angus doing here? What if he needs help? What if he needs to pretend not to know them either? Before Magnus, or Merle or Taako, can make a decision, Angus closes his book with a loud snap. “Hello, sirs! My name’s Angus! What are your names?” Well, Magnus guesses _that’s_ how they’re going to play it.

            “Uh, hey there, uh, Angus, you said? I’m Diddly or Bo Diddly Kessler, and these are-”

            “Justin!” Taako blurts, and Magnus can see Angus’s mouth waver momentarily into a smile that he immediately suppresses. It doesn’t matter; neither of the two other sitting passengers are looking up at all. “I’m Justin. Pleased… to make your acquaintance… aboard this choo choo.” Angus is now trying not to laugh.

            “Aye, uh, and I’m Leeman Kessler.” Merle says, accent returned. Magnus is hoping that won’t last long.

            Angus looks at them all in turn quizzically. Magnus has no idea what he’s going to say. Of course, his expectations are still wrong. ‘Pardon me, sirs, but you kind of stink.”

            “Once a shit monster, always a shit monster.” Magnus immediately hisses at Merle, who looks annoyed. Taako kicks a toe against the floor, knocking flakes of residual swamp crud into the shag, ears perked up in amusement.

            “Aye, it’s an old family… skin remedy. For mah complexion. Kessler’s… Swamp Ooze… Healing Balm. It’s, uh, supposed to be like that.”

            “Well, sirs, I can tell you that no one here is braced for that, and I don’t know how you are.” Angus says it too casually.

            “You trying to tell us something here, kid?” Taako asks. Angus looks around, at the dwarf woman and the wizard.

            “Just that you stink, sirs!” He says, chipper, and goes back to his book.

            With the clear dismissal from a child and the lack of interest from the others, they continue on into the sleeping car. Magnus sees Taako look backward, ears twitching, before the door shuts. The sleeping car is just as luxurious as the passenger car before it, and standing before them is another elf employee of the Rockport Limited. He’s pretty unremarkable as far as elves go, everyone’s attention immediately drawn to his eye-catching prismatic bowtie as opposed to his face.

            “Hello, new passengers. I haven’t met you yet. Welcome- are you making fun of my voice?” He interrupts himself to address Taako, who had of course been making fun of his slow, droopy voice. It might not have been so noticeable had Merle not been conspicuously laughing.

            “Ah, he’s melting!” Far from chagrin, Taako redoubles his mocking. Which gets Magnus to join in while Merle guffaws.

            “He’s getting sadder before our eyes!”

            “Who dumped a bucket of water on him?”

            “I’m not melting, nor is this the, uh, the Fantasy Wizard of Oz. And how could I be sad? I’ve got new passengers -Goddammit can’t I talk?- Welcome to the train. I am the wizard attendant, Jenkins. Can I help you find anything or put your bags away?” Jenkins finishes his much-interrupted spiel.

            “I like your tie, Jenkins. Tell us about your bowtie.” Taako says while Magnus reaches out to touch the bowtie.

            “Okay, I guess you can touch it? Light surface-” Magnus blatantly ignores Jenkins’s request, mangling the neat bow. It seems an apt metaphor for how they’ve been interacting with literally anyone today. To be fair, they’ve been up since three, and some people, _not Magnus_ , are in desperate need of a nap.

            “Are you an attendant who’s a wizard or an attendant for a wizard?” Merle drags the subject back. Kind of.

            “I am a wizard who attends to your needs on the train. You let me know if you have any questions. I have a number of luxury services I can provide, such as a trip to one of our pleasure rooms-”

            “I’m cool!”

            “No thank you!” Taako and Magnus say at the same time, twin looks of disgust on their face. Magnus doesn’t want to see Merle’s expression.

            “Oh, it’s not nearly as salacious as it sounds. Perhaps I should explain later though. Now, uh, may I help you with your bags?”

            Jenkins seems ready to be done with them as he helps them unload their bags into their sleeper car. It’s nice, just like the rest of the train, but the triple decker bunk bed seems like it will require someone -Taako- to cast Levitate to avoid grievous bodily harm, considering the complete lack of healthcare plan at the BoB. “Now, what you’re going to do with the pillow is place it under your head-”

            “We know how to sleep, Jenkins!” Taako shoots back, exasperated but amused. Jenkins is just exasperated.

            “Actually, I need a half dozen more pillows. I subscribe to the Fantasy Griffin McElroy sleeping method.” Magnus interjects after Taako. Jenkins begrudgingly complies, clearly ready to escape, but Magnus has another question. “Hey, Jenkins? I swear I recognize the dwarf woman in there, but I can’t remember her name, so it’s like that moment where she’s familiar, but not too familiar, but not too _not_ familiar, and anyway, I don’t want that awkward moment of ‘Oh hey… you,’ you know? Do you know what I mean? So do you have any information on her?”

            “I’m not supposed to give out classified information…” After some not altogether well-intentioned ribbing, Jenkins says, “Have you ever heard of Jess the Beheader?”

            Magnus has not. Magnus did not recognize her. Magnus just wanted to know who it was who could rival the size of his muscles. “Oh! Uh huh.”

            “Hmm. WWE right?” Merle asks, he and Magnus talking over each other.

            “She is a famous Midworld Wrestling Star. Of course, it’s a blood sport, so I’ve no idea why they call it that.”

            “You wrestle with your conscience after killing someone though.” Merle says.

            “Yes, and as you have likely guessed, Jess has a particular way of dispatching her foes. Now, uh, I don’t know what brings her on board the train on this… fine day, but I do know that I had to carry her axe to the cargo car, and that certainly weighs a metric ton. Not to complain though, I-”

            “Wait, you carried it?” Taako snorts, and says more quietly, but nowhere near inaudible. “Kind of a shitty wizard.”

            Jenkins looks astonished that Taako would say that to his face. Magnus is astonished that he said it so quietly. “What did you say?”

            “Nothing!” At Jenkins’s continued indignant sputtering, Taako shrugs. “It’s second level stuff, my dude.”

            “Oh, so I’m just supposed to _burn_ one of my daily spell slots?”

            “Oh, sorry, I didn’t realize that life on the rails was so demanding you have to have pyrotechnics at your fingertips twenty-four-sev.”

            “Or you could break the fourth wall, have unlimited spell slots, and use every spell in the book, which is what I do.” Merle pipes up.

            Jenkins looks between all of them, still astonished. “Ah, yes, so, uh, behind, behind the sleeping car-”

            “Peace!” Magnus jumps through the door, heedless of the others. The next car is very obviously the dining car. There’s a good number of tables set with bright red tablecloths and gold cutlery, over which are hanging chandeliers. Large windows overlook, well, more or less nothing, just the interior of the train station before they depart. Otherwise, the dining car is empty. And boring. Magnus switches back to the sleeping car, where Jenkins is still talking.

            “Behind the sleeping car is the dining car. You get one complimentary meal on the train, and as the chef, I will be sure to bake a lot of love into whatever I prepare.”

            “Oh, you saving your spell slots for that?” Taako asks, before crunching on a baby carrot directly in Jenkins’s face. Magnus doesn’t even know _where_ Taako got a carrot.

            Jenkins makes a valiant effort to continue on seriously with his whole explanation of the tour of the train, despite them mocking him at quite literally every turn. He does gets through it eventually, but Magnus would swear the elf’s eye is twitching as he goes to deal with Tom Bodett standing on the train tracks. He takes a deep breath before bidding them adieu with, an eloquent, “Smell you later.”

 

* * *

 

            After the few initial seconds of shock at seeing his friends on the train, Angus adapts quickly. First step, don’t let them blow his cover as a detective. He’d averted that potential catastrophe. Second step... still to figure out what’s really going on here. This is actually good; this is more information. Like, those two mystery tickets? Those had been for Taako and Magnus, so he can scratch those off his suspect list. Probably. No, definitely. The three of them might be a bit more cavalier about death than he is, but no one way they’ve been calculated murderers the whole time, not without Angus noticing. And then Merle is calling himself Leeman Kessler. Which means that some Bureau business is tangled up in Angus’s murder business, and Leeman Kessler is the link.

            He still needs more information though, Angus decides as Jenkins re-boards the train and it begins moving, half a minute after 10:15, before he can answer the questions he has. Jenkins leaves, possibly for the dining car, given his position as chef on the train.

            Jess seems content to just stay in the passenger car saying nothing, but Graham turns around to look at the door at the back of the passenger car every few moments, seemingly quibbling about following after Jenkins. Angus isn’t getting any investigating done just sitting here.

            There’s no one in the hallway of the sleeper car and only Jenkins in the dining car. Which means Angus’s friends are likely in their own sleeping compartment, which leaves Angus with a bit more time to figure out how to best handle that particular development.

            Jenkins looks upset, like someone had spent a lot of time insulting him to his face, but he brushes off Angus’s prodding questions and presses him about anything he might want. Angus isn’t really hungry, so he asks Jenkins to pull up his grandfather’s library in the port.

            It looks just like he remembered: old-fashioned, rich, and stuffed to the brim with books. It shouldn’t feel smaller than he remembers; it’s still spectacularly grand for a private library. But truthfully, Angus thinks as he looks around, he might prefer the Bureau library at this point. While his grandfather’s library provides a moment of respite from murderers and anything else this case has to offer, it’s not Angus’s favorite place in the whole world anymore.

 

* * *

 

            The fifteen minute power nap isn't enough to make up for Davenport’s wakeup call and the Director’s middle of the night last minute job, but it does get them back to full health. Merle doesn’t even lose any hit points falling out of bed, since the others had graciously allotted him the bottom bunk.

            There’s no one in the hallway of the sleeper car, but there is someone loudly excited over something or other in the dining car. The voice might sound like Angus, but the childlike enthusiasm and voice reminds Merle of something else. Someone else.

            The juicy wizard is coming out of a small phone booth while Jenkins is channeling some kind of spell that Merle can’t bring himself to care about. The kid is sitting reading, and Merle still can’t believe it. He thought he’d finally gotten an actual _break_ from having him around. Should have known it’d be too good to be true.

            “Jenkins… I’m really sorry… about threatening Tom Bodett earlier.” Taako says with the utmost sincerity.

            “Yeah, I feel really bad about that.” Merle nods in agreement, watching as Jenkins’s red eyes widen again.

            “Is he okay?” Magnus asks, no doubt actually concerned, but with laughter in his voice nonetheless.

            “The Tom Bodett... in front of the train… you are referring to that Tom Bodett?”

            “Well, I understand the confusion; there were a lot of them in Rockport-” Merle says.

            “Hey, Jenkins! Great choo-choo by the way. So, uh, listen, you mentioned the pleasure room earlier, and we got a little weird about it, _natch_ , but I’m more relaxed now and just comfortable in my own sexual truth, so can you talk to me about it?” Taako finishes with a straight face, which is ruined by Merle and Magnus cracking up.

            “Well, uh, again, this pleasure chamber isn’t like a sex thing. Eh, maybe it can be? But I specialize in a type of magic called a port, so I can make it when you enter this chamber, you can be anywhere in the world, for a quick escape from the bleak nature of traveling under a mountain.”

            “There’s nowhere I’d rather be than here.” Magnus squeezes Jenkins’s shoulder. Merle probably would too, if he could reach.

            “So you don’t want-”

            “Oh, I do.”

            “But you just said-”

            “We all said some things, Jenkins.” Magnus says solemnly and then Taako goes into asking the why and how of the teleportation magic. After they determine that using the port to go to the cargo car that has a door literally next to the little port closet is silly and that going up to the engineer’s car is impossible, they opt to not waste it and come back with a decision.

            For once, Merle strolls right up to Angus. If he’s going to be stuck with the kid on a train with them pretending not to know each other, he’s going to make use of it. “Say, Angus, right? You’re a fancy lad.” He smiles when Angus looks up, wary. “But you know what’s better than being fancy? Being Pan-cy!” Merle takes advantage of Angus being stuck there and pretending to be an even fancier, politer lad than usual to evangelize. Kind of.

            “So, where are you from, Angus?” Taako asks. Clearly Merle isn’t the only one enjoying the whole “annoy the kid” thing.

            “Oh, I’m not allowed to say, sir! But I’m on my way to see my grandpa in Neverwinter!”

            “And what’s your grandpa’s name?”

            “…I forgot.”

            “Doesn’t your grandpa know it?”

            “Oh, the memory of his name died long before I was born.” Angus gives a shrug. Has he been taking lessons in effective lying from Taako? That one didn’t even make sense.

            “All right, we’re going to go talk to juicy wizard over there.” Merle says, effectively ending the conversation.

            “Oh. Okay then, sirs.” Merle doesn’t see Angus’s expression; he’s already left.

            The juicy wizard is looking over Jenkins’s pleasure chamber, with Merle intentionally thinking the sentence in the grossest way he can. When he looks up at them, he says, “Wow, this thing’s amazing! Don’t you guys love being on this train? This train’s the best!”

            There’s a round of introductions, Merle persistently keeping up his accent, to the annoyance of his companions. He’s got to keep up with his character voice though.

            The juicy wizard -Graham, or Graham the juicy wizard- turns to Taako. “I couldn’t help but notice your robe and hat. Would you by chance be a wizard as well?”

            “Yeah, man.” Taako laughs. “Don’t you recognize me from TV?”

            Graham looks at him in confusion before there’s the dawning light of realization in his eyes. Though Merle suspects he’s not all that bright, so maybe it’s a 45W bulb, not a 60W one. Maybe that will make it okay that Taako has _completely blown their cover_. “Is it really you?”

            “Listen, listen. Listen. I’m Taako, from TV, yes, but listen, this is secret, in private life, like on the train, I go by my real name, Justin Leeman… Kessler.” Merle doesn’t know why they keep badgering him about the fake accent, when they can’t even keep their own fake names straight.

            “Oh, it’s not that weird to have a train name. Like, a name that you use only on trains.” Still, Graham looks side to side, as though looking for eavesdroppers. Train names might not be weird, but he definitely is. “Can I tell you something? Graham is my train name. My real name is Percy.”

            “Good choice with Graham.” Merle nods.

            “Yeah, Graham’s way better.” Taako agrees

            “Yeah, that’s what I thought! Like ‘all aboard, Percy!’ It just doesn’t work, right?”

            “So what’s your school of magic, Graham?” Taako asks.

            Graham looks suddenly sheepish. “Well, uh, I guess I’m undeclared. Like, evocation’s great, but transmutation, like, turning that chair into… something else, would be cool. See, I lack creativity, so that’s a problem no matter what.” Taako nods along, with all the sage wisdom of his wizardly ways. Merle’s known him long enough to determine that this isn’t much.

            “That’s a hindrance, right, but don’t beat yourself up, my dude.” Taako is surprisingly encouraging.

            “See, what I really, really want to do- is work on a train, live my life on the rails and be whatever role they need me to be.”

            “Grab a mop! They can’t say no to you if you’re already working!” Taako continues on with his wisdom and encouragement. One of them is effective at least.

            “You really think that would work?”

            “Sure, YOLO and all, my fella.”

            “Or you could be a hobo.” Merle counters.

            “See? A YOLO hobo.”

            Graham only grows more sheepish and uncomfortable. “Um, yeah, and it’s like, it’s actually really uncomfortable, because I actually just applied to work on this train? And I didn’t get accepted. So, I really just came here to, like, shadow Jenkins and see what I could learn.”

            Magnus is hissing about motive while Taako says, loudly and incredulously, “You’re a worse wizard than _Jenkins_?” Jenkins, for his part, lets out a sigh.

            “Why would you do that?” Jenkins asks, despairing.

            “Wouldn’t want you to waste a spell slot trying to overhear, my man.” Taako quips.

            Graham has reached the point where it looks like he wants to poof straight to another plane, but nobody here probably has any useful enough spells or high enough spell slots for something like Gate to help with that. “Okay, so I feel like this conversation has taken a turn for the worse, so I’m going to head out. Not leave, because we’re like going through a mountain and I’d die, but just… away.” Graham doesn’t even leave the car, just moves to a table twenty feet away. “I’d say it was a nice conversation… but it really wasn’t.”

            “Wow, we are really making friends on this train.” Merle mutters under his breath before turning to Jenkins, switching the accent back on. “So, Jenkins, my man, how about some brunch?”

            After a nice enough brunch that merits considerable criticism and commentary from Taako, Jenkins asks, “Have you given any more thought to visiting one of our pleasure rooms? I can send you to a lovely day spa, perhaps?”

            “Hey, Jenkins, can I go to your mom’s house?” Magnus says through a giggle.

            “I- uh- I mean, you could visit a _room_ in- in- in- my mother’s house-”

            “Again.” Merle interrupts pointedly.

            “Oh. Oh, I see.” Jenkins clears his throat. “Is this an actual request or another of your patented burns?”

            “I’m good, Jenkins.” Magnus shakes his head, glee still readily apparent on his face.

            “I have a request, Jenkins. Send me to your most popular pleasure room.” Taako says imperiously, banging the Umbra Staff on the ground like a monarch. The effect is ruined when the sound is muffled in the carpet.

            “Oh, I can do that.” Jenkins closes the closet door and traces its outline with a small silver rod. It looks fairly unimpressive, as far as magic goes. When Jenkins opens the door again, it’s onto a greenhouse. A truly spectacular greenhouse, in Merle’s expert opinion, and that’s not even getting into his, mm, extracurricular activities. The care taken with these plants is obvious even from here, outside of the room and likely miles and miles away from the real thing. The flowers are vibrant, the leaves are lush, and the whole place practically sings with the magic of Pan.

            Magnus hides a yawn behind his hand. Taako fidgets, looking unimpressed. Not everyone can appreciate art.

            “Is this not- I thought this might be a good-” Jenkins falls for their shit too easily, Merle decides. It’s almost to the point where it’s not fun anymore. But only almost.

            “No, no, it’s just been a long day; it’s not your- this is a great pleasure room.” Magnus counters his own point with another yawn.

            “It’s not even noon.” Merle says.

            “So, are they coming or is this a solo mish?” Taako asks.

            “I mean, anyone can go in if they want, but, um, are you still planning on going if this is so unimpressive to you?” In response, Taako walks through the door into the greenhouse. “I’m going to stay out here and continue channeling, because if I did not, the three of you would die.” Despite the admittedly ominous thought of leaving their lives in the hands of someone they’ve been aggravating almost without pause from the moment they met him, Merle and Magnus follow Taako through the door. “Enjoy yourselves, and please don’t stay too long. Please remember not to leave anything behind and that you can’t take anything with you.”

            “Except memories.”

            “Well, those will be obliterated upon exit. I’m just kidding. Nothing could destroy memories.”

            “Just let’s leave the door open, now, Jenkins?” Merle turns his attention back to the elf in the doorway. It’d been a jarring change, from the train speeding through the dark stone tunnel under the mountain to the very much stationary sunny and warm greenhouse. Albeit a pleasant one, and Merle can see why this is something they offer. And why this greenhouse is the most popular option.

            “So teleportation is very hard for wizards, so it must be impossible for Jenkinses.” Taako calls out loudly while they wander through the greenhouse. Merle has no doubt that it was intended that Jenkins hear.

            “Bing!” Magnus shouts back.

            “Bing, you got me.” Jenkins says dryly. At least it’s better than the droopy mess he’d been after their first encounter.

            “It’s very nice, very pleasant.” Magnus comments. Taako is carefully cultivating an unimpressed look, but Merle wants to know when the last time _he_ did any teleportation magic was.

            “Thank you; this is a real garden in Rockport that I tend to myself to help myself exorcise my demons.” Oh, gross. The plants, though beautiful, are contaminated by _Jenkins_ , and Merle retreats into a more studious demeanor like that of most clerics of Pan when faced with this kind of plant life. They wander a bit more, and Magnus, ever the scientist, pees in a corner presumably because he can and knows that it will disappear. And annoy Jenkins.

            As soon as they’re back through the door, Graham having disappeared in the meantime, Jenkins chokes out as sincere a farewell as he can, citing wizard attendant duties and circulating with the drink cart. Merle watches Jenkins go, before a familiar, annoying voice pipes up from behind him. “What the fuck, sirs?”

 

* * *

 

            “What the fuck, sirs?” Angus repeats cheerily.

            “Hey, what’s up Agnes?” Taako says smoothly, nonchalantly, leaning on the Umbra Staff. His ears are pulled back just a hair though. “Fancy meeting you here.”

            “Well, fancy boy on a fancy train…” Magnus gives a sort of half shrug.

            “Don’t know whatcher talking about, lad.” Merle insists on maintaining both the lie and the accent, to the delight of no one. In response, Angus pulls out his Book of Interception, flipping open to the most recent message, a message that he most assuredly won’t be applying his “catch and release” message policy to. He spins it around on the table to face them, just a little pleased when they crowd in to read it rather than pulling it away from him.

            “Leeman Kessler and Co. not who they say they are STOP. Charm magic spell performed at the station STOP. Hand over to authorities immediately upon arrival in Neverwinter STOP.” To their credit, the Reclaimers look a bit chagrined.

            “Why did you cast Charm Person on Tom Bodett?” Angus asks, exasperation creeping into his tone. “If I hadn’t picked this up, Neverwinter authorities would be picking _you_ up when we get there!”

            “How’d you know it was Tom Bodett?”

            “Who else would it have been in Rockport? The question, sir?”

            “Thought it’d be funny.” It’s Taako’s turn to give a half shrug. At Angus’s incredulous look, he laughs. “No, listen, really, it was fuckin’ great. Charm Person is fuckin’ hilarious when it works.”

            “Right up until Merle tried to use it to commit murder.” Magnus concedes.

            “And look what happened because we didn’t! I knew we should have killed him.” Merle replies indignantly and accent-free.

            Through the whole conversation, Angus has been studying them, wheels in his head turning faster than the wheels of the train. “I believe I can make some conclusions, sirs, and I think they’re likely correct, but perhaps we should go back to my sleeper car to discuss. There might be prying eyes and listening ears.” Angus is certain that even if someone overheard what they’re about to say, they won’t understand. But the static would be difficult to explain away.

            They leave the dining car for the sleeper car. Angus opens the door to his own sleeper car room, politely allowing the three Reclaimers to pass through.

            “What the hell, Ango, why’s your room so much nicer than ours? How did you pay for this?” Magnus is not a small man, but the enormous armchair he sits in makes him look it.

            “I didn’t exactly pay for it, sir.”

            “Hell yes, little man, knew I was rubbing off on you.” Taako sprawls on the bed, managing to take up a surprising amount of space.

            “Well, not like that. The Rockport City Council paid for it.”

            “Still, you’re not paying for it, and that’s always good.”

            “Clearly we need to have a discussion with the Director about appropriate accommodations when we’re on the job.” Merle says, making himself comfortable in the second chair, which, pun intended, absolutely dwarfs him. Angus himself sits on the bed next to Taako, who seemingly begrudgingly allots him enough space to do so.

            “So you _are_ here on Bureau business then?” Angus asks.

            “Nah, homie, I would absolutely choose to hang out with these losers on a fuckin’ train after crash-landing in a fuckin’ swamp.” Taako looks up at him. “Listen, real question here is what _you’re_ doing here, Ango.”

            “I mean, you could tell me more than that.” Angus looks between them, but they all seem to be waiting expectantly for him. Angus sighs. “I’m on the trail of a serial killer named the Rockport Slayer. I was hired on by the Rockport City Council-”

            “Whoa, whoa, hold your phantom steeds, pumpkin.” Taako sits up, holding up a hand to stop Angus. “The Rockport City Council hired _you_ , a literal _baby_ , to track down a _serial killer_. Listen, Ango, that sounds uh, uh, pretty illegal. Pretty against child labor laws or whatever that shit is.” Taako’s ears twitch, annoyed.

            “I work for the Bureau though.”

            “Yeah, but secret moon base, no rules. Except no dogs on the moon.” Magnus tacks on, clearly still wanting a dog himself. “City councils are _supposed_ to fall into lawful alignment.”

            “Maybe they’re lawful evil?” Merle suggests.

            “Oh, I don’t think so, sir. They hired me because I’m the world’s best detective. I’ve caught killers before, and this one has been giving them no shortage of trouble.”

            “Call me Susan, but I’m gonna have to speak to the fuckin’ manager.” Taako mumbles, nearly inaudible. Angus isn’t sure that Magnus and Merle heard at all, and Taako isn’t saying anything else.

            Angus clears his throat. “Right. They’ve been in business in Rockport for a few months now. What they do is target wealthy individuals and murder them for their riches. But they never leave a trace, which is why they asked me to track him down. Personally, I think he’s using magic.”

            “Sure, fuckin’ superb, like listen, let’s get an infant to go after this, uh, really bad magic guy, that will go _great_.”

            “Sir, I’m not an infant. I’m a competent detective, the best one, actually.”

            Taako unexpectedly wooshes a hand over Angus’s head. Angus tries not to flinch, and he’s not sure if Taako notices. “That was the point, Agnes, flying over your head.”

            “Right, sure, sir.”

            “How come you didn’t say anything either, hm, Agnes? That note of yours said this was NBD, which means No Big Deal.” Taako points an accusing well-manicured albeit slightly swampy finger at Angus. “The Director was cool with you not only going after a mystery serial killer, but probably being stuck with them in a confined space for like three fuckin’ hours? And what have you been doing for the past week then, hm?”

            Angus kicks his feet out and swings them back into the bed, suddenly finding the elf’s intense eye contact difficult. Why does Taako seem so… mad? He wonders. He left a note. He can handle a serial killer just fine. They obviously didn’t need him while he’s been gone. So what’s the problem? “Well sir, I’ve been trying to draw the killer out of hiding for the past week, and-”

            “How?” Magnus asks, interrupting for the first time the volley of questions from Taako. “How were you finding the serial killer, Ango?”

            Oh. Oops. If they, for whatever strange reason, don’t like him being on this case, they might not like this either. Unless maybe they did actually need him to research something while he was gone? That’s probably it. Angus pushes his glasses up his nose, uncomfortable regardless. “Well, sir, I, uh, borrowed something from my grandfather, a really expensive set of silverware, to draw the killer out of hiding, and-“

            “Ango McDango, have you been using yourself as bait?” Magnus’s voice is low, quiet, but his face has all the unsettling darkness of an impending thunderstorm. Taako’s mouth is pressed into a thin line, and his ears are pulled all the way back. Even Merle looks concerned. Uh oh. What did Angus do?

            “Um, yes, sir?” Angus’s voice goes higher than normal, and he feels his shoulders hunching. No, he’s not supposed to do that. He forces himself to straighten up, and when he looks at Magnus again, the fighter is calmer. Angus glances at Taako. He looks more relaxed, but his ears are still pulled back, and Angus again wonders what he did wrong. They’ve never reacted this way to anything he’s done before. “It, uh, didn’t work though, sir. Instead, last night, a man called Leeman Kessler-”

            “-Was murdered.” Merle finishes with a nod.

            “Right. By the Rockport Slayer. I didn’t get to see the body, otherwise I would have figured it out sooner, but I’m guessing that Leeman Kessler was a member of the BoB?” Angus taps his bracer as he speaks. This far underground, there is no response.

            “Right in one, little man.”

            “So the object that the Rockport Slayer was targeting… is one of the Relics, huh?” There’s a sinking feeling in Angus’s stomach. “That would… something as powerful as that is probably infinitely valuable. It makes sense that the murderer would target it.

            “Yeah, the Director said that Leeman said he found one.”

            “Which one is it?” He isn’t sure he wants the answer.

            “No idea, Agnes. The Director also said something about messages being intercepted and nosy kid detectives.” The comment is surprisingly softened by a wink, and Taako tentatively reaches out to ruffle Angus’s hair.

            “Right, because if someone like the Rockport Slayer learned what it actually is, then it could get very dangerous, even more dangerous, very quickly. But if not even you three or the Director know what it is because Leeman Kessler was so careful, how does the Rockport Slayer know it’s here? Could the killer be a member of the Bureau? There shouldn’t be anyone else who knows about the Relics.” They have no more answers than Angus does. He shifts around in his seat on the bed, nervous. “And you do think it’s here, sir? I found evidence that Leeman Kessler had booked a ticket and stored something on the train, in the cryptsafe in the cargo car, so I deduced that the Rockport Slayer would follow the package onto the train.”

            “Yeah, Ango, Director said that best guess is he got it onto the train. Which is why Merle was doing that shitty accent, so we could get to it once we’re in Neverwinter.” Magnus confirms Angus’s hypotheses. “Taako and I are here to make sure ‘Leeman Kessler’ over here doesn’t get murdered a second time.” Magnus says, air quotes and all.

            “Have you tried talking to the engineer so he can open the safe early?”

            “Listen, we tried that, Ango. We don’t know who we can trust, besides you, a literal baby, so listen, it’s not like we can go straight up to the engineer like fuckin’ actual spies or rogues or some shit and explain what’s what. Or tape him to the safe.”

            “Well, we could _try_ brute force and fantasy duct taping him to the safe.” Merle shrugs.

            “I see. But if the Relic really is on the train and in the safe, then the Rockport Slayer-” Angus goes very still, eyes wide, as the silhouette of a person passes by his door, headed toward the back of the train. He starts again, very quietly, “Then the Rockport Slayer-”

            “Can’t hear ya, Agnes.” Taako speaks at normal volume, flippant.

            “Prying ears, sir.” Angus continues at a whisper.

            “Sorry, what was that, Ango?” Magnus has a smile on his face now, despite the situation.

            “Prying ears!” Angus goes for a whisper yell.

            “You know you really should stop mumbling, kid.”

            “Prying ears!” Angus says a few levels above regular speech.

            “Whoa, no need to shout, Ango, could be prying ears around.”

            Angus huffs, crossing his arms. “That’s not a very funny goof, sir. Anyway, since you three are off the murder suspect list due to the fact that you lack the competency to commit several murders with me in your party and somehow not noticing-”

            “-Thanks for the vote of confidence, Agnes-”

            “-I can safely cross you off the list. But I do feel confident saying that the real Rockport Slayer is somewhere aboard this-” Angus is interrupted yet again, by a high-pitched, almost Angus-like scream. “-train. We need to go check that out right now!”

            It is, after all, murder _on_ the Rockport Limited.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi all!
> 
> I'm alive! Mostly. One live show, chance meeting with the boys (thanks, Istus!), approximately cross country move, and job starting later. I still have no internet in my apartment; hello from my complex office wifi!
> 
> While I would have loved to have been actually on time with that two week mark, I'm pleased it didn't take me until Friday. Which is likely due in part to me handwriting a good chunk of this on paper while out in San Fran and a bigger chunk on my phone on the road during my move. As is, the editing was something of a rush job (and for that I apologize). Since I'm still getting everything organized and getting started at my new job, current target for the second half of Murder on the Rockport Limited is July 13th.
> 
> If you want updates that consist of me complaining about writing from Merle's point of view or grossly underestimating how long the next chapter will be, I'm at [charmandhex](https://charmandhex.tumblr.com) on tumblr.


	5. Angus McDonald, World's Greatest Detective

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Murder mystery, Relic reclaiming, and insulting people? It’s everything they’ve trained for, in both senses of the word. Get it? Because they practiced for this and they took a train to get here?
> 
> Angus cracks the case. Merle actually agrees with Angus. Magnus nails his first flight and fails the second. Taako gives a lesson, a lecture, and a heart to heart.

            Magnus is used to rushing in, which is why it’s such a shock to find himself behind Angus rushing out the door toward the source of the shriek. Almost as much of a shock as it was to find Angus on the train, which in turn was almost as much of a shock as learning that Angus is here in pursuit of a serial killer. Emphasis on the pursuit right now. Angus skids to a halt and Magnus with him at the sight of the door to passage between this car and the passenger car. There’s a pool of what is unmistakably blood on the floor at the base of the door and splatters on the door itself.

            “I don’t like the look of this, sirs.” Angus mutters.

            “Which is exactly why you are not going in first.” Magnus says, stepping in front of Angus and ignoring his subsequent protests. “Magnuses rush in, and Anguses don’t do anything stupid, remember?” Magnus looks behind him, and Angus looks a bit dejected. “Look, you’ve done the detective work so far, Ango. Let us do the heavy lifting, okay?”

            “Excuse me, cha’boy has never done any heavy lifting at any point in his life.” Taako flaps a hand at him, stepping around Angus, putting another barrier between the boy and whatever is waiting ahead. “You gonna get that door, Mango?”

            Magnus slides open the door, nose wrinkling in disgust as that releases a small wave of more blood. It’s a confined, closed space, no windows. A very limited number of bodies could fit in here standing up. There are two on the floor.

            The first is an actual dead body, which Magnus knows with certainty, given that it lacks a head. It is also strangely missing its hands. But what draws everyone’s attention, as it had the first time, is the body’s shimmering rainbow bowtie. The three adults immediately begin mourning. Loudly.

            “If only you had used one of your spell slots to defend yourself!” Taako says through great big sobs.

            Angus sneaks around them to investigate the second body, who Magnus recognizes as Graham. Graham very noticeably has both head and hands. He actually looks uninjured altogether. “He’s just fainted, sirs.” Angus says, pushing his glasses up his nose. “We have to look over the body as quickly as we can, before anyone else shows up.” Between Angus and Merle’s astonishingly good investigation check, they determine that the cut that beheaded Jenkins was very clean, while the cut that removed his hands was not. Angus’s abundant nerd knowledge confirms that the hands were removed after the head was. And oddly enough, there’s no sign of a struggle. Like, if someone were trying to behead Magnus, he wouldn’t go down without a fight. Jenkins’s clothes are more or less unruffled, no cuts or tears, just more blood spatter. His bowtie looks as though he straightened it just before he lost everything above it.

            Magnus looks at Angus, who is studiously looking over both body and crime scene. It once again strikes Magnus; what is a child doing investigating a murder? “Angus-” He starts as Angus begins speaking.

            “We need to get Graham to a bed or something as quickly as-” Angus freezes for the second time in a very short time, eyes slowly sliding upward. “Nobody move.” His voice is so quiet as to be little more than breath.

            “What?” Magnus asks, stepping toward Angus. In response, Angus flicks his wrist deftly, which brings out the crossbow that Angus apparently did not surrender when he boarded the train. Angus shoots an arrow up at the ceiling, and Magnus questions what class this child is before a low growling emanates from above. As the three adults look up to see what exactly Angus has gotten them into, the weirdest crab that Magnus has ever seen slowly materializes on the ceiling, all claws and bright orange teeth ringing around a wide circular mouth. It won’t be winning any crab beauty contests.

            “Come on! We have to get Graham out of here! Come on, sirs!” Angus waves at them and, despite his size, is slowly managing to tug Graham through the door by his arm. Graham’s shoulder will probably be sore later, but that’s probably preferable to death by crab.

            “No, wait, we got this, it’s cool! Remember what I said about us doing the heavy lifting!” Magnus shouts at Angus’s retreating form before the door slides closed. “Okay, you can do the heavy pulling, I guess?” Above them, the crab’s whole mouth is glowing a vibrant orange. Like a sunset. Or a giant column of fire.

            Taako looks at Magnus, incredulity clear on his face and ears nearly vibrating. “I’m following Angus. I’ll see you all in hell!” Taako crosses the floor, and Magnus goes for Railsplitter only to remember- _he’d been surprised that Angus has a weapon because they don’t._ “C’mon, stupids!”

            “Right, we don’t have weapons. I’ll bring up the rear!”

            “We have magic.” Merle replies.

            “Some of us do!” Magnus shoots back, but Merle remains standing there. Magnus glances upward again. Kinda looks like combustion is imminent, and Magnus doesn’t intend to be around when that happens.

            “You guys really want to run away. You don’t want to fight.” Merle looks as incredulous about running as Taako had about staying. Taako sputters, trying to get Merle to see reason while Magnus makes to shove the dwarf toward the door. Now’s not the time for rustic hospitality. “You have offensive magic! I have offensive magic!”

            “I wanna tell you a story about the time there were three ogres, right? And then one of them hit me so hard that I almost died. You were up there strapped to a weird-ass cannon shooting potions willy-nilly and Leeman Kessler Jr. over there was the ripping arms off of robots, and again, I was punched so hard that I almost died! I’m not gonna go toe-to-toe with a weird spiky fire crab when all we’re armed with is your terrible Fantasy Scottish accent, and Magnus doesn’t even have a shield! I’m out!” Magnus takes advantage of Merle’s last minute hesitation to shove him through the door after Taako and follow through himself.

            He gets a brief glimpse of the passenger car, Jess looking on in shock and Angus finishing tugging a still unconscious Graham into a seat. “Shut the door!” Angus yells while Magnus whips around to slam the door back into place.

            There’s a roar not unlike what happened in Phandalin, albeit on a much smaller scale, and the flimsy train door begins rattling. Magnus braces himself against it, feeling as it heats up significantly, followed by a burst of hot air around the edges.

            “You okay, Ango?” Magnus calls over his shoulder.

            “Could be better, sir!” Angus seems to be trying to rouse Graham, with little success. Jess the Beheader is still looking between them all, occasionally opening her mouth to question just what exactly is going on but never finding the words. “It sounds like I just lost all of my evidence!”

            “Agnes, you little shit, staying alive first, mystery solving second!” Taako shouts over the din, ears perked up still.

            “And what do you mean _your_ evidence?” Magnus yells, still trying to hold the door in place. It seems the crab is attempting to ram it open.

            “It’s my case, sir-” The door starts to crumple inward.

            “And our job-” Magnus dives out of the way as the door reaches its breaking point and the crab bursts into the passenger car.

            “It was my case first-”

            While Magnus and Angus each attempt to continue arguing their respective points, Merle steps up, Extreme Teen Bible glowing, to cast Shield of Faith on them. He even includes Angus, despite the kid being a few feet back from where the three of them are lined up and being, well, Angus. At last, some competent cleric-ing.

            The crab scuttles up and rolls onto all its claws on one side. Before any of them can react in a sensible manner, like, you know, running away, the crab swipes a claw at each of them. The claws barely graze Magnus and Merle, attack averted by their armor. Taako isn’t so lucky, claw raking across his chest. Magnus really wishes that his shield were here and not locked up in a stupid safe with Railsplitter and a stupid Grand Relic. As Taako staggers back from the impact, an arrow fwips between him and Magnus from the only person in the party with a non-magic weapon. Actually, between the magic users having magic and Ango having his crossbow, Magnus is the only one in the party without a weapon. Besides his fists at least.

            “Hey, Agnes, can you stop antagonizing everything that’s bigger than you?” Taako shouts at Angus, ears pulled all the way back, as the crab crunches down on the arrow like a toothpick.

            “Depends; can you get a better armor class, sir?” Angus retorts, sass unaffected by their current peril.

            “ _We’re_ trying to protect _you_ , Ango!” Magnus says.

            “I can handle myself! I was doing fine on my own!”

            “Still just a kid, little man.” Taako says quietly enough that Angus can’t hear before casting- Levitate? Magnus wonders if he misremembered the spell from what Taako had done earlier today during the swamp fight, but no, the crab begins floating, claws scrambling frantically trying to find purchase in something, anything. It cannot, helplessly bobbing up and down just the slightest bit. “Knock it out of the train!”

            Makes perfect sense to Magnus. And he _does_ still have Phantom Fist. Which connects solidly with the crab, sending it flying toward a window, which cracks and shatters, and suddenly it’s a lot louder in the passenger car. The crab, unfortunately and annoyingly, catches itself, digging its claws into the wall around the window. Fair enough. Magnus surges forward to punch it again.

            The crab’s claws buckle as its body is forced backward through the window, losing its grip. Magnus leans forward to watch it get scraped up alongside the train before there’s another roar and flash of fire and the more distant sound of glass breaking as the crab manages to propel itself back into the sleeper car, as if willed by some deity who didn’t want the fight to be over too quickly.

            Magnus of course rushes in, followed by a waddling Merle and more slowly by Taako, bemoaning his current bloodied state. Magnus would be concerned, but the fact that Taako is making so much of it reassures Magnus that the elf is in no danger of dying. It’s also a relief that Angus doesn’t insist on pursuing the crab with them; he quickly decides to take care of Graham.

            The small chamber between the cars is nearly unrecognizable after the explosion of fire from the crab. Every surface is black from ash, and there’s an overwhelming reek of smoke that makes Magnus gag at its familiarity. He tries not to think about the other components to the smell, but it’s impossible not to notice that the body of Jenkins has been incinerated to nothing more than black ash, every other trace that he was once here obliterated. Magnus forcefully shoves down thoughts of another scene, vastly different and yet similar, to join Taako and Merle in bemoaning the sad and sorry fate of the drink cart, now little more than a puddle of silver metal, still cooling after the blast. He’s glad to make it to the sleeper car, even though that means coming face to face with the crab. Er, face to weird circular tooth-ringed mouth.

            Score one for Taako and Team Reclaimers; the crab is still floating about in the middle of the room, frantically waving its claws in an attempt to steer. It’s not going well for the crab, which is great for them.

            Merle goes to reach for his warhammer only to realize what Magnus has known for the entire fight. With a shrug, he reaches instead for the Extreme Teen Bible to cure Taako’s wounds. The gash on Taako’s chest seals up, and with a proud, “Peace out,” Merle drops his Extreme Teen Bible on the floor. It lands with a thunk, and a moment later Merle sheepishly picks it up again, seemingly having realized that it’s probably a good idea to hold onto his holy symbol, especially while they’re in combat.

            The crab manages to flail its way into bumping into the ceiling, digging two claws into the ceiling and two into one of the passenger rooms that line the hall on Magnus’ right. Whoever owns this train is going to have fun with the insurance claims, Magnus thinks as the three of them manage some heretofore unknown competence, diving into their chamber to avoid the spurt of fire from the crab. Do fantasy insurance companies cover murdered employees or various fire and stabbing damage from summoned crab monsters?

            “High fives all around!” Magnus says as soon as they’ve all straightened up, holding out his hands to Taako and Merle. They all promptly miss, and Merle functionally takes two slaps to the face. It was good while it lasted.

            While Taako steps up, peeking out the door to cast some spell, Magnus takes stock of the room, looking for improvised weapons. As he looks between the bunk bed, table, and chairs, there’s a shriek from the crab and an oddly delicious smell wafts its way into Magnus’s nose, clearing the residual stink of ash and death of the scorched passageway. His stomach suddenly rumbling (Jenkins’s last meal hadn’t been terribly filling, especially not for a Magnus-sized person), Magnus hoists up a chair. It’s a lighter chair than in the previous instances where Magnus weaponized house furniture, but it’s called improvised weaponry for a reason.

            Magnus rushes out, swinging the chair straight into the crab. As the chair nearly explodes into little more than splinters (not _nearly_ up to Magnus’s carpentry standards), the crab again loses its grip to float helplessly in the air.

            As Magnus is grinning, pleased at the effect even without a real weapon, he hears the door behind him slide open. As Magnus turns to scold Angus for following them into a dangerous situation yet again, he sees Jess the Beheader sprinting in, wild smile lighting up her face in what can only be described as a lust for battle. She jumps around Magnus and the newly emerged Merle and Taako, bouncing from one wall to the next to fly at the crab. As she moves, the shape of an axe materializes in her hands, which close expectantly and surely around the handle, before she brings it down hard on the crab, cleaving it in two, for something like 29 points of damage, if one were counting that sort of thing. Whatever. Magnus cleaved a gerblin in two at the start of the adventure, but does anyone remember that? Noooooooo.

            As the still floating halves of the crab disintegrate into ash, much like Jenkins’s body would have, much like-

            “Hey, great timing!” Taako gives a lazy thumb’s up to Jess.

            “I- I had it.” Magnus clears his throat partway through his sentence.

            “Sorry, I, uh, had a pretty bad initiative roll. Seemed like you guys had it under control, but I figured I should help any way I could.” Jess says, humble nature of the statement completely negated by her stylized swinging of the axe, rather more elaborate than Railsplitter, before she brings it down at her side.

 

* * *

 

            While Jess laughs uproariously at her magic axe prank on Magnus, Merle hears the door slide open behind them, to be faced with Angus, looking around warily. “Ah, excellent time, laddie, we’ve just dispatched that monstrous crab.”

            “Well, I did, actually.” Jess amends.

            “We all got experience for that though!” Magnus tacks on, but Jess waves it off. “And anyway, _Merle_ , I think we’re past the point of fake names and faker accents. We did just kind of blast a giant crab to bits and all.”

            “I did not agree to this,” Merle says with a huff and an accent.

            “Unilateral decision.” Magnus says, while Angus joins them. “So, to reiterate: Merle, Taako, Angus, and Magnus, the Hammer.” He points at each in turn, ending with two thumbs pointed inward at himself.

            “Nicknames don’t count if you give them to yourself.” Merle says, and Magnus huffs.

            “That’s not… is that legally your name?” Jess asks.

            “Uh, no? It’s a nickname. That I _didn’t_ give to myself. ‘From TV’ may or may not be Taako’s actual last name; we don’t have any plans to clarify that. Why, is ‘the Beheader’ your last name?”

            “Uh, legally yes, I changed it for promotional reasons.”

            “Miss… Beheader?’ Angus pipes up, and Jess looks flummoxed. Merle lets out a snort, and Angus turns red. “Okay then, ma’am. Uh, would you mind telling us why you’re here?”

            “Oh, sure, kiddo, it’s for a hype tour for my upcoming match. Press conference in Neverwinter.”

            “Who are you fighting?” Merle asks, finally and reluctantly giving up the accent for real.

            “I’m fighting Greg ‘the Leg’ Leg-Cutter. Why? You don’t… you don’t suspect me or anything?”

            “No! Just everyone has a weird reason to be on the train, like Agnes here-” Taako says before a look from the kid shuts him up. “And like there was a crab and Jenkins died and I was Justin and you’ve got a glowing magic axe and everything. It’s been a really exhausting day.”

            “Still not even noon, sir.” Merle conspicuously rolls his eyes at Angus’s comment.

            “Yeah…” Jess’s eyes fall on the crab ash on the floor. Merle wonders briefly if she’s going to start up the pun game again. It might just make Angus run away. “Do you guys… know where the crab came from?”

            “The beach?” Merle’s answer comes out more like a question.

            “Uh, we saw it on the ceiling.” Magnus shrugs. “Uh, Jess, would you mind giving us a second? So I can talk to my friends here? And uh, Angus, I guess, who I totally did not know before today but who also saw the dead body?” Behind Jess, Angus puts his face in his hands for a moment.

            “Yeah, uh, sure, I’ll go… check out the scene of the crime, see if I can’t do anything, I guess…”

            “Graham’s awake now, too, if you want to, I guess, check on him. Since, uh, you told me you just thought he was having a fit or something and did nothing.” Angus says.

            “Right, right. Look, I couldn’t see the body from there. That one’s not on me.” Jess says as she leaves.

            “Look, we know Jenkins was beheaded.” Magnus starts in immediately. Of course. “It’s in the name, and she’s the only one we’ve seen with an axe so far, and it was a clean beheading.”

            “But not a clean behanding.” Angus points out, and Merle surprisingly finds himself nodding in agreement.

            “That just sounds a little too obvious anyway, like something a lazy DM would do. And do we even know for sure it was Jenkins? No head, no hands, no way to identify it with like dental records or fingerprints.” Merle jumps into more conspiratorial theories.

            “Yeah, and we don’t even have fantasy forensic labs to do that anyway.” Taako counters.

            “Well, we’ve seen a total of eight people, including the four of us.” Angus starts in, and fine, maybe they can let boy detective try to help, since it’s like his nerd specialty or whatever. That’s probably Angus’s class, super nerd or something like that. “Assuming there’s no one else on the train, which would have to be someone we’d seen neither hide nor hair of, that’s our suspect pool. So we have the four of us here, Jess, Graham-”

            “That’s juicy wizard.” Magnus hisses at Merle.

            “I knew that.” He hisses back.

            “Jess, Graham, Jenkins, and Hudson the engineer.”

            “But Jenkins is dead, and we haven’t seen the engineer at all.”

            “Right. Though I agree with Merle-” what is happening, that the two of them are in agreement; is the world ending or something like that? “-that we can’t _positively_ identify the body as Jenkins. But first-”

            “I for one feel comfortable saying it wasn’t Angus.” Magnus says, sincere and overdramatic simultaneously. It’s Angus’s turn to roll his eyes.

            “Is it me?” Taako asks, eyes wide.

            “It could be Taako. Has anyone kept an eye on Taako?” Merle and Angus roll their eyes nearly in unison at Magnus, and this job is starting to get too weird for Merle. Though the first sign probably should have been the fire crab, or maybe the murder. Hell, maybe even the Tom Bodetts. “But what I think we need to do, is interview the only other person at the scene of the crime.”

            At that Angus nods. “Right, we should press him for information.”

            The three adults crack up, Merle saying through laughter, “We do. We need to squeeze the juicy wizard.”

            They walk back through the empty and scorched passage to the passenger car. Jess seems to have settled on not doing anything, since the murder scene has been obliterated and Graham looks, well, he’s conscious at least. Pale, with a cold compress on his head, and lying down. “Every time I asked if he wanted to sit up, he got all woozy again.” Angus shrugs.

            “Right, woozy, the technical term.” Taako gives a thumb’s up.

            “Well, would you have understood me if I said that he nearly succumbed to syncope repeatedly?”

            “…Maybe. Maybe Justin would have.” Taako shrugs. “Anyway, let’s get this show on the road.”

            Heedless of spell slots and preparation, Merle whisper yells to his companions, “I cast… Zone of Truth!” Graham seems unlikely to pass a charisma saving throw.

            Magnus, for his part, walks up and smartly slaps Graham. Graham shoots up to sitting, and, look, kid, no fainting this time. Fancy that. “What are you doing, man, I was awake!” Graham says indignantly, rubbing his face.

            “No, you need to wake up!” Magnus points a finger in his face. At Graham’s sputtering, Magnus continues. “No, like, metaphorically. You need to metaphorically wake up.”

            “Really not the best way to interrogate someone, sir.”

            “It’s good cop, bad cop, Djangus.” Taako whispers to him before approaching Graham himself. Graham, for his part, still looks annoyed. Merle might be too, if Magnus nearly maimed him unexpectedly. “Sorry, he comes on a little strong sometimes.” Taako pats Magnus’s bicep. “So, uh, since, uh, he’s kind of a loose cannon, can you give us something to work with? We found you unconscious with a corpse that looks like Jenkins, so can you tell us what happened?”

            Interrupted by another smack from Magnus and offers of coffee and what is either chocolate or a laxative from Merle, Graham tells them a lot of information that they already know: there was a body with neither head nor hands in the passage, and Graham had shrieked and fainted upon seeing it. No matter how much Graham protests that he hadn’t shrieked. Where things get interesting and where Angus jots down a few notes, is Graham’s timeline.

            “I, uh, the last time I saw Jenkins was just a few minutes before…” His eyes roll up for a moment, and Magnus leans in, overly eager to smack him again before Graham returns to normal. “He came up to the front of the train, went in to give the engineer a drink, then he came out and gave us drinks, before he was headed toward the back of the train. A few minutes later, I went to go to the back of the train, too, to see if I could go into the pleasure chamber again, and that’s when-”

            While Graham wobbles, Magnus and Angus both turn to Jess. “Can you corroborate that?” They both say at the same time, and Magnus grins widely.

            “Jinx!” He crows triumphantly. “Ango owes me a cider!”

            “Oops, I don’t care, sir.” Angus says, deadpan. “But the-”

            “Where is a baby supposed to get an alcoholic drink?” Taako asks, interrupting. “Are we doing a sting for the militia now? Does Ango have a fake ID?”

            “Still don’t care. The question, ma’am?”

            “Yeah, I was here the whole time. I heard him shriek -actually thought it was you for a second, kid- and saw him fall down. Seemed like nothing, and then the door slid closed.”

            “And listen, one more thing. Did you, uh, did you kill Jenkins? I only ask because of the whole beheading thing.” Taako holds up his hands defensively at the look on Jess’s face.

            “No, that’s like- that’s a stage thing, a gimmick that I do for work! I don’t just go around beheading people in my spare time. What, do you just- what do you do? For work?”

            “I’m just an idiot wizard. Granted, not as shitty as Jenkins, but-”

            “So do you just go around wizarding shit for shits and giggles?”

            “Technically, yes.” Taako shrugs. Jess throws her hands up in the air.

            “I did not kill Jenkins. I only behead people when I need to or I’m being _paid_ to do it.”

            “So Jess and Graham are each other’s alibis.” Angus mumbles, almost to himself, biting on his pen now. Merle is half inclined to pray to Pan that he chews on the wrong end and gets a mouthful of ink. “Graham, how long was it from the last time you saw Jenkins to when you found his body?”

            “Only a few minutes. Like I said, I went to go after him-”

            “And just to clarify, seeing him dead was not your fantasy? You didn’t make it to the pleasure room?” Taako asks.

            “What, no, no, why would seeing a body without its head and its h- h-” Graham faints again. Angus sighs. Magnus slaps Graham, and they all hear something pop. Graham sits up with a loud shriek. So Magnus promptly panics and slaps the other side, presumably to try to balance it out. It doesn’t work. At least they’ve gotten all the useful information they can out of Graham, so Merle casts Cure Wounds, and the three of them, Angus in tow, head up to speak to the engineer, who greets them over the megaphone system cheerily with an update that they’re an hour away from Neverwinter.

            “Great, Jenkins is dead.” Always to the point, Magnus is.

            “J-Jenkins? D-dead?” The engineer stammers out.

            “Yeah, bowtie, shitty wizard. Don’t feel bad; I forgot, too.” Taako drawls.

            “Jenkins was a dedicated employee, a real-”

            “Now he’s just a dead employee! Jinx! Double jinx!” Magnus and Taako speak at the same time, admitting a stalemate on the jinx with a high five.

            “This, this hardly seems like the time-”

            “Please, sir.” A tremulous child’s voice comes out of Angus’s mouth, and it’s a good thing that the engineer can’t see the three turn to stare agape at Angus, all crocodile tears and psychological manipulation. “We need to know if there could be anyone else on the train. Who could have done this?”

            “I can show you the manifest, but I don’t think I should come out when there’s a dangerous killer on the loose.”

            “Not even for your saddest, babiest passenger?” Taako asks, getting in on the drama, too, naturally.

            “Look, I need to stay in here and keep the train going! And how do I know you three all didn’t kill Jenkins? How did he die?” The engineer demands.

            “Well, you could say… he just plumb lost his head.” Merle jokes, to the engineer’s complete lack of amusement. “Oh, and his hands were cut off.”

            “If he was beheaded, why don’t you have a word with the someone with ‘Beheader’ in their name?”

            “She said she didn’t do it. And I used a truth spell!” Merle says.  
            “That’s like all he does, but it works!” Taako adds on.

            “Plus corroborating witness,” Magnus says.

            Angus lets out a thoroughly fake sob, shoulders shaking. Yeah, shaking from the effort of not laughing at their disbelieving faces right now, Merle thinks. “Please, sir, we need to get to our items in the caboose. We can search along the way for the killer!”

            “Look, you can go in the caboose, look for the killer, but it takes an hour of sustained contact with my hands, me, the engineer, to open the safe, so you can’t get in there. And I am not coming out!”

            “But it’s so easy, darling!” Taako calls. “Cha’boy did that years ago!”

            “Okay, here’s the plan: you can stay here with your secure door. We’re gonna go to the caboose and find the killer.” Magnus says.

            “Great. Good plan. I’m turning this channel off now. Going- through- a- tunnel.” The sound clicks off, and Angus drops his act.

            “Huh. That’s… odd.” He has that look on his face again while Magnus decrees that to find the murderer, they’ll need to find Jenkins’s wand and they return to the passenger car.

            “All right, everyone, turn out your pockets.” Magnus claps his hands together. “Us, too.” Magnus turns out a few coins, that most tiny and useless of knives, and Phantom Fist. Easy for him to say; without weapons, half his inventory is gone. Merle takes out the Extreme Teen Bible and Scuttle Buddy, while Taako puts the Umbra Staff down reluctantly and glops a few handfuls of loose chocolate pudding onto a seat.

            “Uh, no!” Jess says, annoyed.

            “Uh, okay, I guess.” Graham equivocates, pulling out a wand, a spellbook, and a few leftover chocolates from what Merle gave him earlier. Merle turns and sees that Angus has that book of his, his detective’s kit, and his crossbow. Which reminds him of something.

            “Between the kid’s toy crossbow and Jess’s magic axe, sure seems like ‘turn over your weapons’ only applied to us.” He grumbles.

            “Is it supposed to be reassuring or not that he’s been armed when trying to track down a serial killer?” Magnus whispers to Taako, who shrugs.

            “It was a very well-concealed crossbow! And it’s not _my_ fault that everyone underestimates me.”

            Taako squints, pointing at Angus. “You do it on purpose, and you know it, Agnes.”

            “Wait, you all… know each other?” The four look between each other and then back at Jess. Given how today has gone, between the murder and the fire crab and the dropping of accents and pretenses, they’re surprised this hasn’t come out sooner.

            “…Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeees?” Taako draws it out. “So, you really not gonna play? I’ll let you have some of the pudding.” Taako wheedles. “It’s really yummy.”

            “Yeah, I’m good.”

            “We could frisk her.” Magnus suggests.

            “Oh, that will be super fun! Hey, how far do you think I can throw all of you?”

            “Wait a minute, wait a minute!” Taako holds up his hands in a time out gesture, eager to not get thrown off a train. Magnus would probably be the only one excited about that. “Easy fix.” Taako casts Detect Magic. He looks around, eyes alighting on Jess’s axe, the Extreme Teen Bible, Angus’s book, and their various other magic items. His eyes linger on the Umbra Staff before he says, “Okay, since nobody has the wand, guess we have to play Fantasy Clue with Ango here.” Merle can see how Angus lights up, and it’s the second time today that he’s reminded of something. He shifts uncomfortably at the twisting feeling in his stomach.

            “We should check the rest of the cars. Jess, wanna be my buddy?” Magnus asks.

            “ _Or_ I could stay here and chop anyone or anything suspicious in half.” Jess says, holding up the axe, and yeah, that’s not a fight they’ll win. They certainly don’t need Graham’s help either, Merle decides as they put everything back in their pockets. But his eyes alight on the Scuttle Buddy, and now _that’s_ a good idea.

 

* * *

 

            Angus is standing just outside the door to the caboose with his friends, crossbow out, braced to bust down the door and get to the bottom of this mystery. “Now, if we find the culprit in there, I have to apprehend them. You can’t just go cleaving them in twain.”

            “But I’m really good at cleaving in twain.” Magnus whines in response.

            “Only things we’re really good at: jumping away from fire and killing people.” Merle shrugs.

            “We don’t have our weapons though, so… fighting. Fisticuffs. Not something cha’boy’s good at.”

            “True, true. Oh, hey, Ango, check your book.”

            Angus looks at Magnus incredulously. “Seriously? _Now_ is an optimal time to look at my Book of Interception? Right when we’re going to be busting into the room where the bad guy is and possibly getting into another boss fight?” But it is an idea, and not the worst one that’s been tossed around today. Nothing comes of it, naturally. “Okay, on my count.”

            “Why your count?” Magnus asks.

            “Three, two, one, breach!” Angus speaks rapidly, and they enter the caboose. It’s empty. Looks just like it did when Angus was here this morning. But something is still wrong; there’s a sudden rush of nausea that leaves Angus reeling. As quickly as it hits, it subsides. Angus sees Merle frown, tap at his ear where he put the Scuttle Buddy’s earpiece.

            Angus starts with the safe. It is seemingly and altogether unexpectedly untouched. Taako attempts to wiggle the lid, and nothing happens. Magnus then tries to wiggle it, but still nothing happens. This does not make sense. More than a few things about this do not make sense. So, pushing his glasses up his nose, Angus begins working through his evidence:

           

  * The Rockport Slayer no doubt murdered Leeman Kessler in their pursuit of whichever Grand Relic he had found, a Grand Relic that is now currently in the cryptsafe on the Rockport Limited.
  * The cryptsafe only opens after an hour of sustained contact with the engineer’s hands.
  * Yet Jenkins, the wizard attendant, _seems_ to have been the Rockport Slayer’s victim here on board the train, beheaded and behanded, both missing along with the port wand. Jenkins, whose hands will most assuredly not open the cryptsafe.
  * The cryptsafe and the cargo car in front of him look undisturbed. Which makes Angus very, very suspicious.



 

            “So here’s- this is interesting.” Taako starts, ears perked up, and Angus can see that Taako is turning over the conundrum in his head just as he is. “Jenkins’s hands were missing, and you need an employee to touch the safe for an hour. So would have thought someone took the hands to open the safe, natch.”

            “That was my initial thought as well. Kinda from the start.” Angus nods. “Most people don’t just go chopping off hands, and the Rockport Slayer never has. But it has to be the engineer…” There’s definitely something very wrong here. Angus pushes his glasses up his nose a second time. “Would one of you… could one of you try to open the rear door? _Yes_ , I understand that we’re on a moving train.” Angus asks and amends the question at the looks he receives.

            Taako, the closest to the door, tries it. It doesn’t budge. It remains immovable even when Magnus tries it and then punches the door, almost as though it’s welded shut, despite how easily Angus opened it only a few hours ago. Or did he?

            While Angus muses Taako casts Detect Magic, immediately covering his eyes in response. “Bad news, compadres, this place is magic as hell.” Taako says, voice slightly muffled by the hands still on his face. “Hachi machi, fuckin’ _ghost sound_ everywhere.”

            “That’s what I was afraid of, sir.” Angus turns to Merle. “Am I mistaken in thinking that your Scuttle Buddy earpiece is no longer working?”

            “Well, I didn’t do anything to it. But it might have… stopped… working.” Merle hedges, and Angus nods. “I’m going to cast Locate Object on the wand again.” There’s nothing, no reading. The wand isn’t within a 100 mile range. Which means…

            “Ango, are you thinking what I’m thinking?”

            “That someone turned that door into a port and we walked into a fake? Yes, sir. Which means this is an exceptionally dangerous place for us to be.” They step back out.

            Angus starts pacing and talking. “So someone used the port wand to set the door to go to a fake caboose with a fake cryptsafe…”

            “Like Fantasy Ocean’s 11.” Magnus jumps in with a nod.

            “I don’t know what that is, sir. But we should…” Angus walks back into the fake caboose. As soon as the nausea passes, he picks up a piece of paper, a piece of a ticket, and balls it up before throwing it at the open doorway. It bounces backward as if repelled, and _gotcha_. Angus walks back through the door. “Nothing in there can come back through the door. Definitely a fake.”

            “Yeah, yeah, great detective work, kid. You got an answer on the whole murder thing, too?” Merle asks.

            “I believe so, sir, and it lies in the other aspect of the port magic, that you can’t leave anything behind or it will disappear. The victim was beheaded, and I think the port wand was responsible for that as well.”

            “There was blood on the outside of the door.” Magnus’s eyes light up in realization, and Angus nods.

            “Exactly. I think someone opened a port to somewhere, it doesn’t matter where, put the victim’s head through, and then turned off the magic. Which is how a head disappears, why there was blood on both sides, _and_ why there were two different kinds of cuts. And since there was no sign of a struggle, I think it’s safe to say that the victim was asleep or drugged or otherwise unconscious.”

            “Ango, you keep saying the victim…” Taako says.

            “It wasn’t Jenkins’s hands.” It clicks for Merle. “It was the engineer!”

            “Jenkins is the assassin!” Magnus shouts.

            “So Jenkins killed the engineer. Took the head, so the body couldn’t be identified. Switched clothes so we’d think it was him. And took the hands to open the safe.” Taako works it out, and Angus couldn’t be more thrilled that not only is he getting to solve a mystery, he’s getting to do so with his friends.

            “And used the fire crab to destroy the evidence and make it seem like he was the one who had died. It’s easier to start a new life when everyone thinks you’re dead or has forgotten you.” Angus nods.

            Taako snorts. “Jenkins _would_ use a fire crab instead of a spell slot. But then, how did he get the engineer to that part of the train? Listen, Jess and Graham wouldn’t have missed Jenkins lugging a body, and no way would Jenkins burn a spell slot on invisibility.”

            “I think we have the answer to that as well: the drink cart. Jenkins drugged the engineer, stuffed him in the drink cart, and moved him through the passenger car without detection to get away with murder.” Angus remembers something, and it feels as though it hits him in the stomach like a ton of bricks. “The person who passed by in the sleeper car just before we discovered the murder. It wasn’t us, or Jess or Graham. Hudson the engineer was already dead by then. Which means it has to have been Jenkins.”

            “Wait, but what about the engineer car? He talked to us.” Magnus asks.

            “But we didn’t see him.” Angus points out.

            “Ghost sound, my dude.” Taako adds. “He already used it once.”

            “So Jenkins is in the _actual_ caboose.” Merle says. “With the Relic. That apparently he was able to find. How was he able to find it?”

            “Jenkins isn’t a Bureau member. Is he?” Magnus asks, surprisingly hesitant.

            “Listen, the Bureau’s background checks are obviously, uh, a little bit lacking, ‘cause they let _us_ in, but even they have _standards_.” Taako says.

            “I don’t think he is either. But I guess the more pressing question is, how do _we_ get in now?” Angus starts thinking that problem through.

            “Gotta disrupt the spell somehow, Ango. That’s spell-casting 101, free sampler lesson from Taako. Only 1500 gold pieces for the rest of the class.” Angus, concentrating, feels rather than sees Taako reach out and tousle his hair.

            “Right, sir, but then we have to get in somehow to do that.”

            “We could punch through.” Magnus offers helpfully.

            “It’s a train, sir.”

            “So?”

            “They’re… trains are pretty sturdy, sir.”

            “But I’m real good at punching, Ango.”

            “We’ll have to go in through the back door of the caboose.” Angus says decisively, ignoring the snickers. “With this door running the port, that’s the only other way in.” They could go over the train, might have to face some kind of obstacle contingency from Jenkins going that way…

            “So. Listen. Listen. Lemme, lemme put out a theory I’ve been thinking about.” Angus is immediately wary. “What if, you know, we got back to the dining car, and then I use Levitate on Magnus, and we chuck _him_ out of a window, so he floats back to the caboose, and gets in that way.”

            “I love this plan.” Magnus blurts out immediately and sincerely. “But addendum, Taako: cast it on my boots. That way I’ll still have control over my movement.” Magnus and Taako high five each other, then Merle, and look to high five Angus, who doesn’t hold his hands up.

            “Sirs, this sounds really, _really_ dangerous. And even if you get there, sir, then you have to fight Jenkins on your own.”

            “Psh, Agnes, quit worrying. It’s just _Jenkins_. We, uh, you know, we know that he wouldn’t waste a spell slot. And all he has to do is distract Jenkins to get the port spell taken down.”

            “Super on board with this plan.” Magnus says, nodding.

            “And soon to be overboard.” Merle jokes.

            “Well, this is a train, not a ship.”

            “Sure, ruin my joke.” Merle flaps a hand, fake annoyed with Magnus.

            “If, if we’re going to do this, we should plan it. And I think there’s someone on board who could actually help.”

            “Yeah, Merle, what are _you_ doing?” Magnus teases.

            “It’s not my fault I ran out of spell slots!”

            “You cast Zone of Truth like 500 times!”

            “…I was actually talking about someone else.” Angus says. The three look at him in confusion.

            Naturally, Angus is right. Graham is knowledgeable about the train route and complaisant enough to help with the stunt. He even provides Magnus with a magical bean to help.

            They don’t have a lot of time. Magnus has tied off his rope, and Taako and Merle look ready for a show. Taako’s even pulled out some popcorn from… somewhere. Apparently he just has an extensive snack supply on his person at all times.

            “All right, sir, we’re uh, almost to Letterman’s Gap. Are you, uh, sure about this? Like solo trip and everything?”

            “Hell yeah, Ango. This is _easily_ not even close to the craziest thing I’ve ever done. It’ll be fine, trust me. I have vehicle proficiency!”

            “Sir, that _really_ doesn’t apply here.” Angus says just before he’s blinded by real, warm sunlight as they pull out of the mountain. He blinks the sun away quick enough to get a brief glimpse of Magnus before he throws himself out of the train.

 

* * *

 

            Jumping out of the train is something like flying. Or so Magnus would imagine, having never flown himself. Though the sensation, wind rushing all around him as he soars over the ground far, far below, is oddly familiar. Probably Raven’s Roost.

            “Is that-” Magnus starts to say as he comes face to face with a monster with a very small, very smelly left hand. Of course, the monster hits him with its right, sending him flying upward, bad news with the reentry to the Teeth rapidly approaching. Magnus waits until the last moment before popping the bean into his mouth launching himself like the human wrecking ball he is into the monster. It’s even more effective than he would have guessed, pushing them both through the door, and Magnus gets his first look at the _real_ caboose. Jenkins is crouching, port wand clenched in one murdering fist and a cheap looking compass in the other, looking through the scattered contents of the cryptsafe, while a second meat monster with a very small right hand on the safe stands by. Magnus even locates Railsplitter in the moment he has before the meat monster he struck strikes Jenkins, sending the elf sprawling and wand and compass flying out of his grip. The port wand rolls to a halt between a few scattered pieces of silverware. The compass lands near a tiara. The window at the front of the car into the caboose, previously opaque, clarifies to reveal Taako, Merle, and Angus all trying to press their faces close as possible.

            Jenkins pushes himself up off the floor, to stare agape at Magnus. “What the fuck?” He asks, the question made ridiculous by his voice. Taking advantage of the Rockport Slayer’s surprise, Magnus spits the bean into his hand to soar across the room, taking the time to flip off Jenkins, snatch up Railsplitter, and get to the side with the rest of his party. Because splitting up the party is the number one cause of death in Magnuses. Magni? Speaking of which.

            Magnus takes two direct hits from both meat monsters, and fuck, it would have been just stellar if he’d grabbed his shield, wouldn’t it? Merle might actually have to use Spare the Dying if Magnus takes another hit.

            While Magnus tries to catch his breath, Merle waddles in, Extreme Teen Bible aloft, as he casts Sacred Flame. Which is, uh, just a _little_ more effective than he would have guessed, turning the meat monster into nothing more than ash, just like Jenkins’s crab had done to the rest of the conductor.

            “How- How did you-” Jenkins is sputtering, and Magnus isn’t sure if it’s confusion or rage.

            “It’s okay; take your time.” Magnus says, wheezing. Fuck, Angus better _not_ have an initiative roll if three hits reduced him to this.

            “How could you _possibly_ see through my perfect crime?”

            “Well, we’ve got the world’s greatest detective over there, and he sure can detective good enough to see through your horseshit.”

            “Wow, thanks, sir!” Angus pops in, looking ecstatic, and Taako follows, looking considerably less so.

            “Yes, good job, Agnes. But, uh, also, Jenkins, you’re kind of a shitty wizard.”

            “I’m the best wizard-”

            “You’re a wiener.” Magnus says with a laugh, and _ow_ , that does not feel pleasant. He could use some healing. Too bad Merle’s out of spell slots.

            “I hate you all.”

            “I’m gonna call you Wankins.”

            “Dinkins!” Taako says.

            “Jerkins seems accurate.” Angus says cheerfully.

            “I like Junkins!” Merle says. All the while, Jenkins is sputtering angrily, trying to get a word in edgewise about how much he hates them all and blah blah _blah_.

            “I’m going to kill you all, and then bring you back to life so I can kill you again.”

            “But that would take another spell slot!” Merle says, which reduces Magnus along with Taako and Angus to laughter. He’s still laughing as he strikes the meat monster and as he deflects the attack incurred when he steps back from the fight. As Magnus rejoins Merle, Taako throws a Ray of Frost at the monster, who very clearly is not a fan of that.

            Jenkins looks around. And points his wand at the monster. Angus goes quiet. “Okay, I see that I’m outmanned and outaxed. I can admit defeat.”

            “Pointing your wand at your own reanimated hand monster doesn’t seem to go along with defeated.” Angus says, wary.

            “So here is the deal I am going to make everyone on this train, even you three assholes and the brat. This monster is equipped with the second of Hudson’s hands. Way to go just _destroying_ the first one by the way. So if this one is destroyed, we have no way of getting back into the engine car and stopping the train before it crashes into Neverwinter…” He checks his pocket watch. “In ten minutes. So, all of you are to leave, let me find my treasure in peace, and then we’ll stop this train and you all won’t die in a fiery explosion.”

            “Oh no, fiery explosion death, so scary.” Magnus jokes before turning to Taako. “Do you think you can figure out that port wand?”

            “Definitely… not.” The second word is quiet enough that Magnus isn’t sure he’s heard it until he sees the alarmed look that Angus gives Taako. “Probably. Proooooooooobably?”

            “Good enough for me!” Magnus turns back to Jenkins and yells, in unison with Taako, “Go fuck yourself, Wankins!”

            “All right then. Have it your way. Customer is always right and all.” Jenkins fires off a bolt of fire at the monster. And misses. Badly. The only thing taking damage here is the wall of the cargo car.

            The meat monster looks at the scorch marks from the blast and lumbers up to Jenkins, grabs him by the throat, and handily throws him off the train. Merle casts another Sacred Flame that nearly overshadows Jenkins’s final call of, “Smell you laterrrrrrrrr,” and disintegrates the second monster.

            “Let’s get busy!” Magnus turns to see Jess and Graham finally burst in, axe and wand at the ready.

            “…So anyway, that’s my plan for stopping the runaway train.” Taako says, having explained no such thing.

 

* * *

 

            Taako feels a tugging at his sleeve and looks down to see Angus. He leans in to hear whatever Angus’s got to say, indignantly straightening his top as he does. Today really hasn’t been the best day for clothes. The Bureau is definitely paying the bill on this one. Angus whispers, “One of you should probably find the Relic first before we do anything else.”

            “Okay.” Magnus whisper yells.

            “That was, that was not for you, sir. I don’t know how you heard that when I was whispering in Taako’s ear.”

            “Okay.” Taako whispers back while Magnus laughs.

            “I guess I can whisper to you, too.” While Angus speaks, Taako spies the shitty compass that once belonged to Jenkins, the once dead, now actually dead, always shitty wizard. He scoops it up. It’s not pointing north. Taako moves it around a bit, and the compass continues to point at the same location, almost like a…

            “What’s that, sir?” Angus looks at it, curiosity clear on his face. Kid can’t go five minutes without a mystery, seriously. “None of the… items are supposed to be compasses, so it’s not _that_.”

            “Nah, Jenkins had it anyway. I think it’s some kind of dowsing rod.”

            Angus’s eyes grow even wider, if that’s possible. “I never figured out how Jenkins managed to target wealthy victims and steal their most valuable possessions in all his days of serial killing. Maybe that’s it?”

            “One way, one way to find out, I guess.” Taako chucks the compass toward Merle, who has just picked up his war hammer. Magnus is a few feet away, shield in hand a few rounds of combat too late. Some aimless wandering that Taako is happy to not being doing later, Merle is standing next to a monocle. A monocle that this compass is invariably pointing at. Taako scoops up the port wand a few feet away. Gonna need that.

            “Oh, careful of the thrall.”

            “And the fire.” Merle replies with a nod.

            “Maybe I should try to pick it up? Since I beat the gauntlet last time?” Taako twirls the port wand in his fingers. Magnus is somewhat ineffectively attempting to keep Jess and Graham away. Angus, now that they’ve found the thing, is hugging the edge of the room, pointedly not looking in their direction. What’s up with that? “Hey, Ango, monocle, which one is it?”

            “The, uh, I believe it is the Oculus, sir.”

            “What’s it do though?” Taako starts approaching.

            “It-”

            _“Anything you can imagine, any illusion you desire, I can make real. Put me on and see for yourself.”_

            “Oh.” Taako says. And hooks the monocle with the end of the Umbra Staff, quickly flipping it into his bag. “Joke’s on you, evil eyewear. I have no imagination.” He’s about to suggest they finally figure out how to stop the train when the Umbra Staff flies out of his hand. It rolls over to the corner, to Jenkins’s wand, before inverting itself and consuming the wand. When it’s done, there’s a small umbrella sigil near the handle. “Shit, uh, sorry you had to eat a wand from a shitty wizard, Umbra Staff.” He picks up the umbrella before _now_ turning to everyone else.  
            Angus, who’s looked relieved since Taako retrieved the Relic, seems to remember that they’re aboard a runaway train not long before it crashes. “What, uh, what are we looking at now, Graham?”

            Graham checks his pocket watch. Apparently they’re in now. Taako may have to get one at some point. “Seven minutes.”

            “Don’t worry, cha’boy’s gonna get us into the engine car, natch. Just, listen, everyone out now, and… look up toward the front and really, _really_ concentrate on that.” With everyone’s focus elsewhere, Taako takes a brief moment to scoop up the remaining valuables. He frowns as he pockets the silverware, remembering what Angus said about using himself as bait, before jingling his way over to everyone else, who seemingly critically miss their perception roll. “Right. Here we go!”

            The first attempt shows a cartoonish version of the empty engine car, with a cartoonish city skyline rapidly approaching. It’s also upside down. “Take two!” Taako says, and at least his voice sounds nonchalant. The second attempt is successful, and it’s disconcerting for them to go backward on the train to enter a room moving forward. While Magnus starts in about his vehicle proficiency, Graham jumps to the controls. He may not have a school of magic, but he sure does seem to get trains, even if he’s only done this in dream vision fantasies before. Maybe he should make his own school of magic about trains.

            Or maybe Taako had that thought too soon, because Graham pales and turns to them. “It’s still locked out and coded to the engineer’s hand! You really didn’t save one?”

            “Uh… no.” Magnus says.

            “Okay, give, give me a second. I’m trying to…” Taako thinks. “Does… will the train go through anything on its way into Neverwinter?”

            “There’s a gate?” Graham says, the statement sounding more like a question. “You have to go through it before you arrive on the platform?”

            Taako grins, widely. Angus takes a step back. Smart kid. “Okay, listen. Listen. Are you guys ready to do something really stupid?”

            They waste no time, or at least very little of their remaining two and a half minutes, getting to the passenger car, Taako dismantling the port spell as they leave and Angus remembering Scuttle Buddy waiting patiently in the passenger car. Angus receives a grumbling thank you from Merle for doing so, which might be more than Taako’s gotten from him.

            Phandalin is the only place he can think of with no people to be hurt by the sudden appearance of a train, but no doors, just a perfect circle of black glass. No, best bet is Jenkins’s garden. Not like he’s going to be coming back to that anyway. So they jump off the train, no spell slots to cast Levitate left, and Taako uses the port wand. It’s not a great plan. It’s certainly a dangerous one. But it’s a plan. And the only one they’ve got.

            “I trust you, Taako.” Magnus says, putting a hand on his shoulder. Taako doesn’t shrug it off, nor Merle’s hand on his hip. Even Angus, despite his readily apparent anxiety over the possibility of their impending deaths, gets in on the teambuilding moment. But then comes the fun part.

            “All right, time to jump off a moving train!” Taako claps his hands together.

            “Are you sure about this, sir? It seems like it’s going to hurt a lot.”

            Taako puts a hand on Angus’s shoulder. “It’ll be fine, Agnes. Trust cha’boy.” Angus hesitates, nods. And then Taako pushes him off the train, aiming for a soft-looking bush. Kid pops up with a thumb’s up. Taako tries to ignore the feeling of intense relief that goes through him at that. Magnus jumps off. He does not sit up with a thumb’s up. They’ll have to fix that later. Jess follows after, landing coolly and seemingly effortlessly.

            After pushing a still talking Graham off the train, his landing comparable to Angus’s, Merle and then Taako take a flying leap. Taako lands gracefully, natch, he’s a flip wizard. Merle, not so much. Now for the tricky part. At the last moment, the view of Neverwinter that Taako can see through the gate disappears, replaced by lush flora in a still greenhouse.

            Which is promptly devastated by a speeding locomotive soaring into it. There’s the screech as the train leaves the track, the sound of shattering glass and the metal framework of the greenhouse straining as bits of greenery go flying like floral fireworks, stopping at the invisible barrier of the gate. The greenhouse finally gives, breaking the spell, and with a loud pop, the entirety of the train vanishes.

            “Can I just say guys-” Taako turns to see Magnus, propped up by Merle, who has at least finished stabilizing him, which is great considering the complete lack of spell slots all the way around. “-way more successful than our last one. We didn’t even destroy a city this time.”

            “You sure came close, though.” Angus says, and Taako pats him on the head.

            “Couldn’t have barely avoided considerable death and destruction without you, Ango.” A pause. “Oh, I just remembered something terrible! We left all of the valuables on the train that disappeared!”

            “Aw, beans. Grandpa’s not going to be happy about that.”

            “He’ll be happy you’re alive, right, Ango? Wait, does he know that you were using yourself as bait?” Magnus asks.

            “No?”

            “So, listen, easy fix, Agnes. Tell him about that, and he’ll be so happy that you’re not serial killer victim #420 that he’ll forget about the silverware. And then _never do that again_.” Taako emphasizes the last words, while Angus shrugs.

            They’re greeted by a considerable law enforcement presence, which shouldn’t be surprising, given their rather dramatic entrance into Neverwinter. Angus, small toy-like badge in hand, is able to defuse the situation, explain that he was on a case.

            “Well. That was weird. Lot of static talk, lot of murder.” Taako and Merle turn slowly, Magnus half held up between them to see Jess. “Lot of weird stuff all the way around. But exciting. I thought this was going to be a boring trip, so I guess, uh, thanks for that. If you ever wanna come to one of my matches, just say the word.”

            “What about being in one?” Magnus says hopefully, and you’d think his priorities would be a little different given his current state. But it’s Magnus “Rushes In” Burnsides.

            “Nah, I think, I’m not sure you guys could handle that.”

            “You know what, Jess? Thanks so much, you can piss right off. We’ll see you later.” Magnus says, and Jess departs, presumably to go do… fantasy wrestling promotion things, Taako guesses.

            “You guys, this is it!” They turn another 180° to see Graham, excited and a bit sweaty. “This is how I’ll get the job! I’ll, I’ll write a report and get my foot in the door-”

            “Just a tip, Graham, leave out the part about the destroying the whole train.”

            “Sure, I’ll lie! Wait, except, they’ll know, because the train is gone.” They wave Graham off, still muttering to himself about trains and reports. Taako shoots a final remark about ChainlinkedIn to Graham, who at least seems excited about that. Angus walks up to them, not making them turn again to talk to him.

            “Well, sirs, I guess that’s that. Mystery solved and, uh…” Angus looks around warily, but no one is paying them any attention anymore. Which should be tragic, since it’s Taako, but it’s mostly just a relief. They’ll be able to sneak off and bubble back up to the moon easily. “Uh, _object_ obtained. That has to be one of the toughest mysteries I’ve ever solved, and-”

            “Whoa, now, Ango, pretty sure it was a group effort.” Magnus says, and Angus laughs.

            “All right, sir, fair point. Oh, and, uh, perhaps you should take this with you.” Angus pulls out that plain, beat up old compass that Jenkins had. “Probably not a good idea for a layperson to get their hands on it, although-” Merle’s already grabbed it out of his hands.

            “You sure you don’t want it, Agnes? It’s small and unassuming like you.” Taako asks while Merle looks suspiciously between the compass, unerringly pointing at Taako, and Taako himself. “Fuck, old man, cha’boy’s got the monocle in his bag.” He snaps at Merle, watching as realization dawns on his face. Taako puts a hand to his chest, conjuring up a wounded expression. “After all this time, do you really not trust me?”

            “No, not really, not where valuable shit’s concerned.” Merle shrugs but pockets the compass.

            “No, sir, I don’t need it. Besides, if I have to track anything valuable down for my next job, doing it myself will be much more fun and challenging!” Angus smiles brightly, showing off his missing teeth.

            “Nerd alert.” Taako says without missing a beat, but Angus only smiles wider.

            “Oh! I’ve got one more thing for you.” Angus roots around in his bag for a moment before pulling out one of those travel size packs of Pringles. “I was going to eat it as a train snack, but then, uh, murder happened, and sour cream and onion isn’t really the best flavor anyway. So could you give it to Robbie for me maybe?”

            Magnus takes this. “Sure, Ango, and we’ll be happy to take credit for it, too, since we kinda promised Pringles that we’d bring him back some Pringles. So, two birds, one stone and all that.”

            “I don’t think that’s how it works, sir. Sounds more like stealing someone else’s rock to get one bird.”

            “Anyway, hey, listen, Agnes, cha’boy managed to get you a bird of your own. Or, not a bird, but I, I did manage to get one piece, one small part of the treasure out of the cargo car…”

            Angus looks incredulous and delighted. “You got my grandfather’s silverware?”

            “Well… not exactly.” Taako pulls three ornate forks out of his pocket and hands them to the boy.

            “I guess… thanks for doing your best, sir! I really couldn’t have asked for more!” Angus locks eyes with Taako, and for a moment Taako feels sure that the kid already guessed where the rest of the silverware -and everything else of value in that cryptsafe- actually is. Look, it’s not like Taako intends to sell it… Maybe. Maybe he’s just got Candlenights, Hanukkah, and birthday gifts covered for the next… eh, a while. He clears his throat and jerks his head to the side, indicating that he’d appreciate it if Magnus and Merle would leave. And luckily, Magnus rolls high on perception and stumbles away with Merle, probably to bother Jess about tickets to one of her matches after all. Angus, having seen the nonverbal exchange, natch, looks at Taako questioningly.

            “Is something wrong, sir?” Angus asks as he pushes his glasses up his nose. A note of worry has entered Angus’s voice, and nope, that’s the exact opposite of what Taako was going for this time, dammit.

            “Listen, cha’boy doesn’t remember the last time he had a big ole emotional heart-to-heart…”

            “What… what did I do wrong?” Angus asks quietly, knuckles growing white around the forks still clenched in his fist. Taako feels his ears pull back, always his tell.

            “Ango, _no_. No. Listen, pumpkin, it’s like… Listen.” Taako nearly sprawls on one of the benches in the Neverwinter train station, and Angus plops down next to him. Kid still looks anxious as fuck. “It’s… okay, do you think we’re mad at you? Like, take out Merle, cause he’s just bad with kids or maybe you in particular or something, but me and Mango. Do you think that we’re mad at you?”

            “Um, no, sir? Not now, I guess, but it seemed that way earlier.”

            “So, world’s greatest detective still has room for improvement.”

            “Is that a compliment or an insult?”

            “Agnes, if we seemed mad… if you thought that _I_ was mad… nope. Totally wrong. And you know, that happens, even with overly precocious boy detectives.” Angus looks ready to interject, but Taako isn’t done yet. “Listen. It’s like… it’s more than a little fucked up that a bunch of adults got together and decided, you know what, let’s hire a baby and have him try to use himself as bait to track down a serial killer. You get that, right?”

            “But I can handle it, sir! I have before.”

            “Still fucked up. Though yeah, cha’boy, uh, figured that one out. You came after _me_.”

            “I was pretty sure you weren’t the killer though, sir.”

            “Yeah, but that… hit a bit too close to home for ole Taako, you know? Like, I put you in danger kind of… and Taako’s not a fan of that. And now, it’s like, you’re going off on your own, and it’s like I _let_ you put yourself in danger.”

            “You’ve kind of lost me, sir.”

            “Yeah, uh, kind of, kind of rambling I guess.” Taako nods, finally looking over at Angus. “What it really comes down to… and Maggie will probably give you the same lecture later, but, uh, Taako had to do this… I don’t want you to put yourself in danger like that. And I really don’t want you to feel like you can’t or shouldn’t tell us about things like that because you think we’ll stop you. I can’t stop you, I’m not like your _dad_ or anything like that, and I don’t strictly speaking wanna stop you from solving mysteries and doing other nerd shit that makes you happy, but, uh, Ango, you can’t do all the dangerous shit on your own. Neither of us… both of us were used to being alone, really, and neither of us is anymore, you know? And if I’m going to be stuck with you for fuck knows how long, I’d like for you to have all your limbs attached and shit like that. You get it?”

            “I… I think so, sir? What you’re saying is, I guess, we’re kind of… a team?”

            “Yeah, yeah, _exactly_ , a team. And if you’re gonna solve mysteries and shit, fuckin’ great and everything, but don’t, uh, don’t do anything stupid and ask for help, dammit. Fuckin’ Rockport, thinking _a baby_ can take down a magic serial killer. Granted, it turned out to be Jenkins, a truly shit magic user, but still serial killer. And Grand Relic. Like, _yikes_.”

            Angus pops up, grinning widely. Taako notes that his grip is more relaxed as he puts the forks into his bag and feels an involuntary smile come over his face as he stands as well. “Thanks, sir! Uh, I have to go see, uh, see my grandfather now, so I’ll go back to the moon later!”

            “Okay, cool, cool, cool. You’ve got our frequency if, uh, if anything else comes up. If it’s a dragon though, you’re on your own, boychik, ‘cause we’re all out of spell slots and HP.” Angus fidgets, takes a half step forward, then a half step back, before seeming to settle on sticking his hand out at Taako. Taako stares at it a moment before realizing and shaking it. “Good… good talk, Ango.” It’s progress.

 

* * *

 

            As they separate outside the Neverwinter train station, Angus heading toward the heart of the city, home to old money and even older names, while his friends head toward the edge of town to call a sphere back up to the moon, Angus could swear he sees a flash of red, a bright crimson that’s familiar but he can’t quite place, out of the corner of his eye, watching them. But when he turns to look at it head on, there’s nothing there. Whoever it was likely just turned a corner. Why would anyone be following them? Angus is, at this point, ten years old and very thoroughly over tired; if there were anything there to begin with, there’s no doubt a perfectly innocent explanation.

            It’s not quite exactly a short walk to his grandfather’s house, but it is still an easy one, and Angus is content to make it. Neverwinter is exactly as Angus remembers. So is his grandfather’s house. Granted, he was just here a week ago. For the library, he was here only this morning. The difference now is that his grandfather is sitting in a chair by the window, waiting for him.

            “Hello, Angus,” his grandfather says with a kind smile.

            “Hello, Grandpa. I, uh, I have something to return to you.” Angus quietly hands over the three forks. His grandfather looks down, incredulity clear in his almost draconic eyes, before his leathery face breaks into a wide, genuine smile, and he laughs. “I suspect there is a story there that could rival one of those Carl Cincinnati books you’re so fond of.”

            “Caleb Cleveland. And there is, Grandpa.” Grandpa used to be able to remember that. Grandpa used to be able to remember a great deal more.

            “I should very much like to hear it.”

            “I can’t tell you all of it.” Angus warns.

            “Even better. It seems you’ve stumbled upon both a great mystery and a great adventure.”

            Angus tells his grandfather not everything, but as much as he can. He’s careful to avoid anything that the voidfish might have redacted from everyone’s general knowledge, so as to not have to explain the static. But he tells his grandfather that he’s doing things that make even more of a difference than his detective work; reading about anything and everything, even _magic_ ; and about all the people he’s met: Killian and Carey and Boyland, Avi and Johan and Brad and even Robbie, the Director and Davenport. And especially about the friends he’d met who’d set him on this track and who he’d just left. Merle, all plants, irreverence, and moments of wisdom when he thinks no one is looking. Magnus, always rushing in to defend and unceasing movement, be that carpentry or fighting or any other proficiency he claims. Taako, whose name Angus had cleared, cooking and magic that never fails to fascinate Angus.

            Angus has finished his story and is answering as many of his grandfather’s questions as he is able when a servant announces the arrival of one A. McDonald and his wife. Angus freezes, back snapping straight, pushing his glasses up his nose. Angus’s grandfather reacts more calmly, saying, “Thank you, Kathleen. I will be down to speak with them momentarily. Please bring three cups with the tea.” It’s an answer to the unspoken question hanging in the air as well as a request. The tiefling woman glances at Angus again. He remembers her, from past trips to his grandfather’s home. She smiles, reassuring. Angus manages a wobbly smile back before she disappears.

            “I assume you’ll be departing shortly?” His grandfather asks quietly, and Angus turns to face him, relaxing somewhat.

            “Yes. Don’t… please don’t tell them that I was here, sir.” Angus slips into his normal formal habit, broken only for his grandfather, who sighs.  

            “Angus, I’m sorry. You deserve a better family than my son and his wife. Though I am starting to suspect that you may have found it.” Angus hugs his grandfather, trying not to think about the fact that this may be the last time he is able to do so. They both know it might be the last time. “All right, now, you have my frequency. Try to call a little more frequently than you’ve done for the past few months, Angus.” Angus nods, throat just a hair too tight to speak at the moment. “I’d like to hear more of your adventures.”

            Once Angus is out, with some help and a hug from Kathleen, he finally lets out a sniffle, then a second, before straightening up. His grandfather isn’t gone yet, and Angus has work to do.

 

* * *

 

            Happily for Taako, the return trip to the moon is far easier than their departure, no pegasi, no crash landing, no swamp. What is the same as their departure, however, is that only Avi is in the hanger when they arrive. And it’s the middle of the day; you’d think _someone_ would show up to see that they’ve come back with another Relic.

            “Avi, listen, we need to talk to the Director as soon as possible.” Taako shakes his bag, ignoring the blatant jingling of Angus’s silverware and a tiara as well as looks from Magnus and Merle.

            “Did you- did you recover another Relic?” Avi asks, eyes wide.

            “Hell yeah, my dude, natch. You expect anything less?”

            “You guys are fucking legends.” Avi sounds duly impressed.

            “ _Yeah_.” Merle says, puffing up. They head over to the Director’s chamber, earning a few looks along the way, which could be about the Relic but at this point seems more likely about the swamp smell that’s still present.

            “I can’t believe you’ve done it again.” The Director looks incredibly happy and weirdly emotional. Maybe she just really does care that much about getting rid of these things. Taako can’t particularly blame her as he listens to the Oculus protest right up until it’s destroyed. “Now, the Relic you’ve just helped destroy is called the Oculus, and it was able to make illusion reality. It-”

            “Oh, we know, Ango told us.” Magnus says brightly. “Honestly, not really seeing a downside. Couldn’t we have used it for good?”

            “Nope, nuh-uh, the power of the Relics overwhelms and leads only to _evil_.”

            “That’s not a guarantee. We could keep it in check, use it responsibly.” Magnus retorts, in no way foreshadowing.

            “You need to keep that shit in check is what you need to do.” The Director says, before ending the conversation and looping back to an earlier point. “But you said Angus… told you about the Oculus? When?”

            “Oh, right, right. So, listen, uh, Madame Director. You know that case Agnes was working on?”

            “Yes, he said it was something simple, and he’d be back… by today, I believe.”

            “Ha, yeah, little shit went to take down a serial killer. Shitty wizard serial killer who was the one who killed Leeman Kessler and was tracking down the Relic. And then there was another murder on the train.”

            “You got on the train? Angus was there? What, what happened?” The Director looks remarkably confused for someone who sent them on a mission to a train.

            “Well, _yeah_ , the Relic was on the train. What did you think would happen?”

            “That you would talk your way into getting it off the train.” She says as though it should be obvious.

            “If you want to be _boring_.” Taako says. “Yeah, Ango got onto the case, and since his serial killer was the one to kill Leeman Kessler, we, uh, had to team up to solve the murder and get the Relic. Then there was another murder and a crab and Magnus jumped out of the train-”

            “Twice!”

            “Right, technically twice, cause once to get into the caboose cause it was locked, and then there was a fight, and we jumped off the train, and made it go poof.”

            The Director is looking at them as though she has many questions before she realizes something, looking between them, worried. “And where is Angus now?”

            “Finishing up his case. He’ll be back soon.”

 

* * *

 

            The moon base is just as quiet when Angus returns as it was when Taako, Magnus, and Merle returned a few hours earlier. Angus is grateful for the quiet. It’s been a long day, and this world’s greatest detective could use a nap.

            “So, crack the case?” Avi asks by way of greeting.

            Angus smiles. “You could say that, sir. Things were a bit more complicated than I originally anticipated.”

            “That so? Guess we’re going to have to get everyone together to listen. Oh, Taako, Magnus, and Merle just got back as well, so we’ll get to listen to both stories.”

            Angus laughs. “About that, sir…”

            “Hey, Agnes! And Avi!” A voice booms, filling the dome and echoing. Taako’s usually big on dramatic entrances though. “It’s been a while, huh?” Taako ruffles Angus’s hair, and Angus doesn’t feel any inclination at all to lean away.

            “A few hours at least.” He laughs, and Taako grins at that, ears perking up in amusement.

            “All right, come on. Let’s go dump your nerd shit back at the room.”

            “Where are Magnus and Merle?” Angus asks as they walk, waving goodbye to Avi as they go.

            “Merle’s off doing who knows what. Maggie’s sacked out in bed, recovering HP.”

            “Did you already meet with the Director? Was the Oculus destroyed?”

            “Oh, right.” Taako says, too casually. “Yeah, Relic’s gone. And we, uh, we explained to the Director how things shook out, and she threw another coin into the reward for you.” Taako awkwardly tosses a large silver coin at Angus. “Something about you earning it and all that. And, uh, wanting to talk to you about murder cases turning into BoB shit. And something about how a small boy manages to find so much trouble.”

            Angus grins. It’s good to be home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi all!
> 
> I'm late, I'm late, I'm a week late! I know. Life has been bonkers, and this chapter was surprisingly difficult to write (and features one Kathleen Adventurezone (everqueen); check out her writing as well!). Next chapter should still be up in two weeks by August 3rd, and that one should actually just be the Lunar Interlude. Goodness knows it'll still be longer than I expect.
> 
> Speaking of which, I'm pretty sure this chapter puts me over 50k for this fic! Which makes it the longest fic I've done. So thanks for reading this far!
> 
> Kudos, comment, bother me at [charmandhex](https://charmandhex.tumblr.com) for updates to your heart's content!


	6. Angus McDonald, Caleb Cleveland Cosplayer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Step right up, folks! The carnival’s in town, and so are old friends and an older foe. Too bad the characters can’t read the chapter descriptions.
> 
> Magnus makes some questionable dietary decisions. Merle slaps most of his coworkers.  
> Taako is the customer without a receipt. Angus gets some job-related feedback and a bonus.

            Despite all of his previous work, Angus has never had an actual job review. Congratulations, gratitude, the occasional ribbon cutting or key to the city, but never a job review. So the knocking at the Director’s door, the polite but firm handshake, his own fingers almost nervously tapping on the arm of the chair he’s sitting in while the Director finishes writing something down are foreign to him.

            The Director’s office, Angus thinks as he looks around, has a similar feel to the Director herself. It’s all dark blues and silver and dark colored wood that contrasts greatly with the white oak staff that she always carries. The room is airy and the high ceiling is all glass, flooding the office with natural light and a view of the sky above, and contrasts greatly with the cozy, almost cramped nature that comes with being surrounded by shelves full of books and myriad magical-looking objects and equipment that almost feel as though they could have come from another world. The Director’s desk is enormous and mostly neat, various books and papers stacked on it, but there’s a hint of the same organized chaos that characterizes Taako’s closet and trunk. The one thing that doesn’t seem to quite fit is behind the desk, a large, wide portrait of the Director, alone against a simple azure background, looking not much different than she does now sitting in front of him, with her elaborate blue and silver robe, white oak staff, and straight, sure posture. It seems out of character for the Director to just have an enormous picture of herself, alone, behind her back, staring down any visitors with a quiet, reserved smile.

            “So, Angus-” And Angus’s attention snaps back to the Director from the odd construction on one of the shelves, three shells stuck together almost like a mouse head and no obvious use to Angus’s mind. “Can you tell me about what happened on the Rockport Limited? I’ve heard from Merle, Magnus, and Taako already, but I would like to hear from you as well, so as to get the full picture. I must admit, I find it, ah, _concerning_ that a child as young as you would go in pursuit of a serial killer only to unintentionally encounter a second Grand Relic when so many don’t even survive their first.”

            “Well, Madame Director, I guess to start, I didn’t tell you, or anyone else for that matter, because I thought you might say no, because you’d think that finding a serial killer would be too complicated for me. And that I’d be away from the Bureau too long and couldn’t help here.”

            “Too… complicated?”

            “Sure, ma’am. Adults always underestimate my abilities. For example, the first time I caught a serial killer, I managed it in only a few days, and everyone else had been at it for weeks and weeks.”

            “The, the first time?” The Director’s eyebrows rise in surprise. “Your concern was not that I would try to talk you out of it because it’s dangerous?”

            “No, it wasn’t. I, uh, well, when I told Taako, Magnus and Merle, that’s more of what they focused on.” Angus shrugs. “It just… didn’t really occur to me that would be something you or they might worry about, just how long I’d be away from trying to track down the Relics.”

            The Director sighs. “Angus, I’m not… as I said before, you’re free to choose cases and leave as you wish. My only concern here is your well-being.”

            “Taako and Magnus both kind of said the same thing. Separately. This is actually the third time I’ve gotten this lecture.”

            “I see.” The Director’s eyebrows have nearly taken up residence in her hairline though. “So, uh, to skip to the end then: Angus, you’re a baller detective, but please keep us informed about what exactly you’re doing. And if there’s anything we can do to help, anything I can do to help, you need only say the word.”

            “Still pretty much what they said.” Angus nods in acknowledgment though, to be polite. “But I appreciate the brevity. Magnus tried to incorporate a metaphor about dogs and then spent a good fifteen minutes just talking about dog breeds.”

            She laughs. “That does sound like Magnus. So, Angus, with that covered, can you tell me what happened in Rockport and on the train?”

            Angus tells her the whole story: the request from the city council, the investigation and attempts to draw the Rockport Slayer out of hiding (her mouth goes almost as thin as Taako’s had when Angus explains how that had worked), the murder of Leeman Kessler and the quick change in plans, the arrival of the Reclaimers, the murder and its subsequent solving, the Relic and the emergency evacuation of the train.

            “So, and I only ask this because of our discussion the night of your arrival, was… did the Relic speak to you, try to persuade you?”

            Angus fidgets, pushes his glasses up his nose. “No, not, not really. I think it just tried to talk to Taako? It was pretty quiet for the most part; Jenkins had been searching through everything seemingly for a while before Magnus jumped in. I just stayed far, far away until Taako used the Umbra Staff to pick it up.”

            “That’s a relief.” She says quietly. “I know you were concerned about your reaction to the Phoenix Fire Gauntlet. That being said, Angus, for future work… Seekers really aren’t supposed to engage in the reclaiming of the Relics. I’m glad that this case and mission both went well, at least no mass destruction this time, but I think it’s best that we avoid similar circumstances in the future.”

            “You and me both.” Angus sinks back into the seat. “I have no intentions of going anywhere near another Relic.”

            “I’m glad we’re on the same page in that regard.” The Director says, absentmindedly drumming her fingers against her staff. “And Taako gave you your coin for the gachapon?”

            “Yes, ma’am. We were planning on stopping by some time after the Midsummer Festival, since Leon has been helping to prepare for that.”

            “Are you planning to attend the Midsummer festival then? Brad and Leon have been working around the clock to coordinate everything, and I’m sure it will be a kickass party.”

            “I… think so.” Angus hopes she doesn’t notice the slip up, a result of Angus’s own inexperience with solstice parties. He momentarily thinks on evenings spent quietly sitting in his room alone before brushing the memories off.

            It seems she doesn’t notice, as she just smiles and says, “If I don’t see you before then, I’ll be sure to see you there.”

 

* * *

 

            Merle doesn’t really remember any Midsummer solstice and eclipse parties from when he was young. He’s inclined to blame it on how insular the Panite commune was, closed off to the point that they were ignoring nearly the entirety of the world around them. But it’s definitely a big deal here on the moon base. Preparations started a week ago, and talk about it has even overshadowed their accomplishment of reclaiming and destroying their _second_ Relic. Uh, _you’re welcome_.

            Regardless, the four of them are on their way to the party now. Merle, along with Taako, Magnus, and yes, even Angus, are dressed the part, too. Well, maybe not Angus, who claims that he’s dressed up as that kid cop from those books he’s always reading, but who also looks more or less the same as he usually does, maybe _marginally_ nerdier. Merle has asked several times if the kid just forgot about dressing up. Magnus definitely seems to have forgotten and just raided Taako’s wardrobe in a last minute rush. Then Taako is supposed to be… some paladin? Merle can’t be fussed to remember the details. It’s enough that Angus is young enough to miss the reference entirely and that no one else will explain. And finally, Merle himself is dressed to the nines as Ursula from the Fantasy Little Mermaid, complete with fake tentacles (nine of them, Merle miscounted) and papier maché eels over his shoulders.

            They stop at the edge of the quad and survey the scene. It seems like everyone is here, milling about in costume and enjoying the free work-sponsored activities, of which there are many. There is a food tent that looks to be housing numerous vendors and stalls and what is no doubt a truly gratuitous amount of fried food. Robbie is at the open bar, mixing drinks, which is _interesting_. Merle’s got those 1,999 party points, and, on a day like this, he intends to make use of them, Pan damn it. Carnival games line the side opposite, and perhaps they’ll hit those up as well. How hard can it be to toss a few rings or knock a few cans over when they’ve already brought back, again, _two_ Grand Relics? Killian and Carey Fangbattle each seem to have an oversized stuffed animal apiece already. Should be a cakewalk. And ooh, Merle does actually see a cakewalk over there as well.  No livestock displays or contests, much to Magnus’s disappointment. The Director’s blanket ban on dogs on the moon remains ironclad. The remaining space in the middle of the quad has been designated as a dance floor, though with Johan playing music just a touch too sad and too slow for real dancing, people are mostly just awkwardly congregating in that area, making idle chit chat and sipping various ales and ciders.

            All in all, it’s probably one of the more impressive solstice parties that Merle has been to in recent memory, even if it is a work party populated exclusively with coworkers.

            “You all right, Ango? You look… confused. Which is really weird to see, I gotta say.” Merle hears Magnus say and turns. Sure enough, Angus’s sweater vested shoulders are creeping up to his ears in uncertainty as he looks around.

            “I guess, uh, I guess, well, it’s not what I was expecting. I never, uh, never really went to any solstice parties when I was a kid.”

            “Wait, what? You still are a kid, Ango! Come on, we can’t let him miss out. When I was a kid… it’s fun, Angus! Come on, help me out.” Magnus looks at Merle and Taako.

            Taako shrugs. “Listen, cha’boy’s not gonna be the best at that, cause, uh, tragic life on the road all on my own backstory, and you’re all too low level for that, so, uh, good luck with that, Maggie.”

            “The commune celebrated with chores, so if we want to get the kid doing those…” Merle offers, eyes glinting.

            “No help whatsoever.” Magnus grumbles, setting a hand on Angus’s shoulder. He nearly jumps, and Magnus, to the surprise of everyone involved, retreats. “Tell you what, Ango, why don’t we go get something to eat? Sugar rush is a _great_ way to start out the day.”

 

* * *

 

            They enter the food tent and walk into a wall of good smells. Mostly good fried smells, but that is the sort of thing Magnus would expect at a carnival. An enormous vat of bubbling oil immediately catches Magnus’s attention, while Angus’s eyes light up at the sight of massive cotton candy spheres that are slowly shifting in hue through the rainbow, freely floating around their vendor like the clouds the moon base is drifting through now. And fine, priorities.

            By the time they have looped back around to the cauldron of oil and the dwarf woman standing over it, Angus has eaten two cotton candy spheres, a few handfuls of about six different flavors of popcorns, something that left a few flecks of chocolate on his nose, two potato pancakes, and approximately three and a quarter cupcakes. And the sugar rush is already setting in.

            “Hello, hello! Step forward, step forward! What would you like? I am Petrilda, the fried conjurer! Name any food you can imagine, and I will conjure it and fry it up for you!” The dwarf woman says in a voice as bubbly as the oil before her. Magnus is about to make a request, when someone else speaks up. And then doesn’t stop.

            “Hello, ma’am, I’m Angus McDonald, and I’m the world’s greatest detective, and why do you conjure it up unfried? Why don’t you just conjure up the fried version of that food? Does that complicate the spell? Or alter the taste? Can magic actually be used to fry food? Or would that be a kind of transmutation, sir? Have you ever used transmutation to fry food? Or what about un-frying it, since- wait, sir, does food that’s been fried magically stay hot and crispy longer or does it get cold and soggy more quickly? Or does it stay the same? Could you enchant it to stay that way longer? Which schools of magic are required for food magic? Would that count as a kind of necromancy? I read in the library that if you engage in necromancy, an agent of the Raven Queen will come to reap your soul. Ma’am, you don’t use necromancy with your conjuration, do you? Has an agent of the Raven Queen come to speak with you about your nefarious ways? If it’s just conjuration, how do you really just make something out of nothing? The laws of fantasy thermodynamics say that nothing can be truly created or destroyed, so is conjuration really just a kind of transmutation? Sir, are transmutation and conjuration really the same? Or is conjuration just the transformation of magical energy itself into whatever object you’re conjuring, like evocation is the transformation of magical energy into just regular energy, like with the- MMPH!” Heedless of chocolate and sticky residue, Taako covers Angus’s mouth with his hand for a moment. Petrilda looks somewhere between bewildered and terrified, and Magnus can’t really blame her. What has Magnus unleashed upon the unsuspecting carnival?

            “Whoa. Whoa, Agnes, listen, hold your phantom steeds. Listen, it’s like this-” Taako launches into an explanation while Magnus turns back to the still perplexed fried conjurer, who shakes it off to greet him with another smile.

            “So, you can conjure anything?” Magnus asks

            “-You can conjure it up fried, easy peasy, but it usually doesn’t taste right, so if you’re going to use magic, you can conjure or transmute the ingredients, but, listen, always do the cooking yourself-” He hears Taako in the background, talking to Angus.

            “Anything your heart desires, because the fastest way to the heart, is through the mouth. I’ll fry it first though.”

            “-hell yeah there are preservation spells, natch, you honestly think-”

            “Can I get some fried unicorn?” Magnus asks, delighted at the prospect.

            “-if you’re gonna use fuckin’ _necromancy_ , you just do it to make things fresher, just don’t bring them back to life, cause that’s a problem-”

            “Fried unicorn?” She looks to the left and right quickly, furtively.

            “and yeah, all magics rely on magical energy, and they just work differently, like, uh, transmutation uses it to change things into other things, and evocation and conjuration make that magical energy into more energy or real things, and yes that _is_ a fuckin’ distinct line-”

            “Just the horn! Oh, and the dick? Please?”

            “Just keep this between us, this is super duper illegal. One double barrel unicorn special coming up!” The desired items appear in her hands with no fanfare before she drops them into a wire basket waiting in the bubbling golden oil, heedless of any splashes.

            “Eat up, careful of any shards!” She says cheerfully, deftly tossing the fried cylinders out of the basket and onto a Styrofoam plate, which she passes over to Magnus’s waiting hands.

            “Can I get a little pack of sugar or something with this?” Magnus asks, and she gestures to a small table off to the side with a few shakers, one of which is full of powdered sugar.

            While Magnus goes over and starts shaking out what is most certainly more than a little pack of sugar’s worth of powdered sugar onto his unicorn, Taako, finished with Angus’s many questions, steps up to the cauldron. “I’m not really in the mood for meat, do you have anything… breadier, perhaps?”

            “Oh, sure! I can do sourdough-”

            “No.” Taako says. Magnus realizes that between the frying and the powdered sugar he can’t tell which fried food is which.

            “-pumpernickel-”

            “Ew, no.” Magnus bites into one. Okay, that one’s the horn.

            “-Naan-”

            “Eh… not quite right.”

            “-sweetbreads-”

            “That’s not actual bread!” Taako sighs, deflating dramatically. “It’s fine. _Really._ Agnes, are you gonna get anything?”

            “Sir, what are you looking for?”

            “Nothing that will be relevant for another 50 episodes. Don’t worry about it, bubbeleh. So, food?”

            “I… I think I’m good.” Angus says, while Merle asks for -and gets- a fried margarita.

            “In that case…” Taako claps his hands together, ears flicking up in amusement while his grin becomes scheming. “Time to beat some rigged games.”

 

* * *

 

            The games are honestly about what Taako would expect from years of living on the road with caravans. There was usually a good deal of overlap of towns where any groups he was traveling with would stop and towns that were having ongoing celebrations. For the more honest types, people tend to be more open to buying trinkets and so on during any kind of craft fairs. For the less honest, well, people tend to be a bit less guarded with their purses as well. So Taako is well familiar with these kinds of games. And the degree of cheating that goes on for all parties involved. Luckily, he has an ace up his sleeve.

            “I researched solar eclipses before this to prepare! First, there has to be a new moon, which means that the moon and the sun have to be at the same ecliptic longitude.” A very talkative ace up his sleeve at that, hachi machi. “And _then_ Toril has to be on that same ecliptic longitude as well in order to see the moon go in front of the sun! That’s what’s called a syzygy, when three celestial bodies line up at the same time.”

            “Oh, a celestial body, like me?” Magnus says, flexing.

            “Uh… no, sir. Not at all. Anyway-” Angus is still remarkably energetic from all the sugar he’s consumed. “-total solar eclipses are really rare, aside from the Midsummer Solstice. Which always occurs with the other moon, but I guess that makes sense to me now!” He grins widely before Taako sees his eyes land on a ring tossing game. Perfect.

            Magnus sees the same thing and grins even wider than Angus, taking his handful of rings and throwing them with more care than he takes with most things that aren’t wood carving. Of course he misses every one. Angus still looks like he’s thinking about how to approach it or perhaps if he even wants to while Merle throws a few rings (one of which hits the carney of the next stall over, to Magnus and Taako’s amusement). Between his flip wizard dex and tragic backstory, Taako manages to hook a bottle, receiving a small toy mongoose in return. “Cool,” He waves it in everyone else’s general direction smugly before pocketing the mongoose. He’ll affix it to his hat later.

            “Hm… I think…” Angus barely notices when Taako shoves a few rings into his hands. He does, however, toss them perfectly, sinking five in a row. The proprietor, scratching their head, hands over a giant teddy bear approximately the same size as Angus. “His name is Caleb!” Angus says proudly, attempting to lug it along as they go. Taako’s too busy enjoying the look of utter confusion on the carney’s face to offer to help.

            “Come knock over these cans! Come knock over my cans, I bet you can’t knock over these cans!” The voice hits everyone’s ears at the same time and they all turn. One look and Taako knows this game is rigged against them a dozen different ways. This will be fun.

            “I’ll do it; I’ll knock over your cans.” Merle says, jumping in. This should be good. Taako takes out some of the popcorn he’d grabbed earlier to start snacking again. As Angus starts to object, probably picking up on what Taako has already recognized, Taako tosses the kid a caramel apple; he wants to see how this plays out.

            “I bet you can’t! I trained for years under my master to stack the cans in a special way!” A special way involving magic probably. Or glue. “You’ll never knock them over! But only 5,000 gold pieces to try.”

            Merle and Magnus’s jaws drop simultaneously. “I d- I don’t think we have 5,000 gold pieces.” Merle hisses back at them.

            “We definitely don’t.” Magnus whispers back, Angus nodding quickly in agreement, mouth full of caramel and apple.

            “I’ll tell you what, I’ll let you take a stab for free, and if you lose, you’ll owe me 5,000 gold pieces!”

            “What are the rules?” Taako asks. Loopholes are the real way to win these things.

            “Knock over the cans!” The carney crows, and yep, cha’boy knows exactly what to do.

            “Can I take a practice throw for free?”

            “Sure, I’ll give you _one_ practice throw entirely for free!” Merle tosses the ball, everyone’s eyes following the arc, expressions ranging from intense curiosity (Angus) to lazy amusement (Taako). A few cans clatter to the ground, but most of the structure remains standing. “That’ll be 5,000 gold pieces!” The carney puffs up, pleased with himself. Taako wonders who decided to allow some of these people onto the moon base. And what’s going to happen when they leave. It doesn’t quite seem like the Director thought this one all the way through.

            “That was a free practice throw!” Merle says indignantly.

            “I remember no such thing!” The carney says blithely, studying his fingernails.

            “Well, I have two burly witnesses and one small boy to say otherwise.”

            “Easy, tiger!” He holds up his hands defensively.

            “How about double or nothing? Give me another ball.”

            “Double or nothing sounds good!” He agrees, tossing Merle another ball.

            Merle makes a good solid throw overhand, what you might call a nat 20 if you were into that sort of thing. One can remains standing. As expected. Cheating. Taako pushes it over with mage hand.

            He probably should have cast Detect Magic first, as an alarm goes off at the booth. “Uh oh, magic alert, magic alert! Got a couple of cheaters over here!”

            “No, I mean it was me. I asked for rules, and you said ‘knock over the cans,’ so I was following the rules.”

            “I think it was implied that you had to use the ball! Come on, give me your hands, no more carnival games for you!”

            “If magic’s not allowed, why are you using it to keep the cans up?” Angus asks.

            The carney immediately starts sweating. “Don’t know what you’re talking about!”

            Angus kicks at the table cloth that descends off the table, his foot stopped very quickly by something that makes a metallic ringing sound when they connect. “I’m pretty sure you do. And that there was some kind of rule about no more carnival games for cheaters.”

            “Tell, tell you what, we’ll call it even. You don’t owe me anything; I wipe that little debt out. Sound good?”

            A talkative, _effective_ ace up his sleeve.

 

* * *

 

            Games played and food eaten (Magnus is starting to regret encouraging Angus to eat as much sugar as he had), they start to wander over to the dance floor. The music that Johan is playing is still too slow and too sad for good dancing, but Merle makes a go of it. Magnus spies a face painting booth and gets a cat face painted on.

            Taako, however, seems to be bored. “So, uh, do you think any kind of adventure is gonna happen or what?” He asks, fidgeting with his costume.

            “What do you mean, sir?”

            “It’s like, okay, listen, if, say, someone were going to all the trouble of writing this shit down or whatever, you’d think that they wouldn’t waste 4,000 words before getting to the point.”

            “I don’t know about that, sir, but life can’t always be slaying gerblins or stopping evil wizards. Even that would get boring as an everyday thing, I think. Well, maybe. I don’t think being a good detective would ever get boring for me.”

            “Sometimes you just have to chill out, be a kitty, and enjoy a festival, Taako.” Magnus sweeps a hand around, gesturing. Merle sweeps his tentacles around to gesture as well. “Besides, if something were going to happen, it would be-”

            And Magnus is interrupted by the Director stepping up and speaking, voice magically projected over the quad and gravitas amplified even further. “Attention, everyone. The eclipse is about to take place, if you would like to join us in the yard, for the viewing of the eclipse. We have a few volunteers handing out glasses, so if you’ll please put those on so you don’t burn up your precious eyeball cones, since we have no existing health insurance plan.” Leon is the closest person to them handing out glasses, and he looks like he’d rather run the other way when he sees them. Specifically Taako.

            Magnus only puts the glasses on to look cool. Merle manages to fidget his pair around his cosplay and his usual glasses. Taako puts his on upside down initially until Leon walks away, eye twitching, before flipping them upside right. Angus, like Merle, fidgets with the special pair of glasses designed to go over his regular spectacles, pushing them up his nose a few times. And then they look up, view panning upward as the sky darkens, not quite as dark as nightfall, but unnerving at midday.

            It only grows darker as the moon passes in front of the sun until the eclipse reaches the point of totality, only a ring of light surrounding the outline of the moon to confirm that the sun is still there. They have little more than a split second to appreciate the sight before a tidal wave of cacophonous sound hits them, almost like a literal force. Indeed, while Magnus, Taako, and Merle remain standing, Angus falls over, Magnus lunging to catch him before he gets hurt. All around them people are dropping like flies as what sounds like thousands upon thousands of full orchestras blast them with music they cannot distinguish, accompanied by millions upon millions of whispering voices, individual words just as undistinguishable as the individual music notes in the din, heavy enough to have actual weight.

            Suffice it to say, Magnus thinks, this is not a normal Midsummer eclipse anymore.

            And as Magnus thinks this, shit gets weirder. For the briefest of moments, just two short seconds, the whole sky is illuminated as bright as it was before the eclipse, but by thousands of bright white eyes that seem to be almost desperately searching for something. And then they’re gone. And then the music drops off and the eclipse proceeds onward as though nothing out of the ordinary happened.

            “What was in that unicorn dick?” Magnus finally looks down from the sky to look around him, taking the eclipse glasses off. The three of them are the only ones left standing. The Director is the first to sit up, and Magnus and Co. carefully make their way over to her, Magnus still toting an unconscious Angus and his bear as they go. “What was that? What in the world was that? Has that happened before?” He asks her.

            “No, it-” She seems thoroughly disoriented. Magnus slaps her.

            She slaps him right back. “Boo yah.” She says, voice back to normal and oozing gravitas. And she seems fully alert, hand closing on her staff as she brings herself to standing, shrugging off offers to help (granted, Taako’s was a bit half-hearted anyway). “But no, it’s not… that hasn’t happened here before. I, I need for you all to debrief with me in my office. But first we should wake everyone up and make sure that they’re okay.”

            Merle sets off, stopping between clusters of people and spinning, turning into a paddlewheel of slaps, much to the annoyance of anyone he’s waking up. Taako and Magnus, meanwhile, start with Angus. Taako uses Prestidigitation, and a smell hits Magnus’s nostrils, warm, fresh out of the oven cinnamon cookies. “Let’s, uh, see if that one works.” Taako mutters, ears relaxing as Angus stirs. “Way to go, little man, you fainted and missed the whole damn show.”

            “I… fainted?”

            “Yeah, why’d you go and do that?” Magnus asks.

            Angus pulls off both eclipse glasses and his own to rub at his eyes. “How am I supposed to know? I was unconscious.”

            “True, true.” Taako nods. “Let’s get you over to somewhere you can sit and not be in the way. We gotta wake everyone else up, cause apparently fuckin’ everyone here has the constitution of a ten year old child.” Angus off to the side, still looking a little out of it and having refused offers of healing slaps (Magnus’s joking and Merle’s likely sincere), Magnus starts around dispensing healing slaps to those who aren’t picking themselves up. Taako uses Prestidigitation again, for a rising sun, and that muffin smell hits Magnus’s nose from twenty feet away. It’s pleasant enough to rouse most people and surprisingly more effective than just going around hitting people.

            Once everyone is awake and people slowly start moving off, some rubbing at faces marked with imprints of hands or fake suckers from fake tentacles, they head back to their dorm room to recuperate. Even though they hadn’t collapsed, whatever happened had affected Magnus, Taako, and Merle as well, after all. Taako proclaims he’s too tired to climb up or even use a spell slot for Levitate, while Robbie collapsed onto Merle’s bunk partway into the climb up to his own, so the four, plus one teddy bear, effectively end up sprawled across Magnus’s bunk, fitting together like Tetris pieces, to take a nap.

 

* * *

 

            Bright-eyed and bushy-tailed after their Midsummer nap (and sleeping off some of the alcohol he consumed at the carnival), Merle is standing in the Director’s office with Magnus, Taako, and unfortunately Angus. No matter how much Merle had protested that Angus hadn’t seen a thing because he’d fainted just like everyone else, Taako pulled the kid along, because…   
Taako hadn’t actually clarified. Davenport is here as well, standing by the Director’s chair, back straight and hands held behind his back. He’s still not saying anything besides Davenport though.

            “I, I was incapacitated by whatever happened out there. I need for you all to describe to me what happened. So what did happen? Were we under attack?”

            “It was wacky.” Magnus says, summarizing succinctly.

            “Oh, boy, you’ve got some unreliable narrators for this.” Taako says, shaking his head. He’s right though. Merle sees the Director shoot an almost pleading look at Angus, who shakes his head as well. Because, as covered extensively already, kid didn’t see squat. “It got really loud and then bright. Right? Or was it sort of a confluence?”

            “There was a- it sounded like a bunch of string instruments? Like an orchestra? Except like 500 orchestras?” Magnus holds his hands out as if trying to communicate the magnitude of the sound. Not very effectively.

            “Def- definitely a lot of cacophony.” Taako says.

            “Did, did you _see_ anything?” The Director looks alarmed, and Merle honestly can’t tell if it’s about the event or if she’s seriously concerned about the mental state of the three people who are the only ones to successfully reclaim any Grand Relics.

            “It was like a bunch of… ovals?” Magnus says.

            “Eyes.” Merle corrects, remembering how it had felt, like they’d stared into him and already known exactly who he is and everything he’s done.

            “Right, eyes. Kind of glorious, whole lot of evil.” Magnus adds.

            The Director looks like she’s got a massive headache brewing. “Our Seekers on the ground have reported back to us and said that they noticed nothing amiss during the eclipse; no one on the world below saw or heard anything peculiar. It was localized to up here, on the moon.”

            “So just a moonwide event.” Merle says, nodding.

            “Right. So only you three actually saw what happened, so I need you to keep that between the six of us. I trust Davenport as implicitly as I trust you… four.” She clears her throat at that. Merle spares a moment to wonder, as he does whenever he runs into the gnome, what Davenport’s story really is. He’s prodded at the Director, asking before, but she’s never given him a straight answer, and she just looks… broken whenever he does ask. ”But we need for the knowledge not to slip out, even here at the Bureau, when we don’t know what we’re up against.”

            “Okay. So, no telling anyone, except for Killian and Pringles.”

            “What, no. No one else.” She says. “And Pringles?”

            “Our roommate. Really loves them, can’t get enough.”

            “Oh, _Robert?_ I don’t- Pringles, really? That’s just- anyway. Regardless, I believe this to be an ill omen, predicting… that our time is running short. We must hasten our efforts to find the Grand Relics. If a storm is brewing, we cannot hope to weather it while we put out fires that threaten to consume our world.”

            “Mm. That sounded really cool. But pretty sure we already put out the fire gauntlet.” Taako says.

            “Yeah, we did. Unless there’s more like that?” Magnus asks. The Director and Angus both shake their heads at the same time. “Cool. So did you write that down or improv?”

            “I just… said it.” She deadpans. “All right, you’re… dismissed or whatever.”

            “We’re fired?” Taako asks, lip immediately jutting out dramatically.

            “No, I’m just… tired. Go... get dinner or take another nap or something.” She ushers them out. “Goodbye.” As he turns back to say goodbye as well, Merle sees Davenport drop the firm stance he was in. And in the brief glimpse Merle gets, Davenport looks just as tired as the Director.

 

* * *

 

            Angus is excited to go to the Fantasy Gachapon again, running his fingers around the edge of the coin as they walk over. Angus is nearly skipping, to be entirely honest. Angus has a pretty big imagination, only amplified by his reading and adventures, and he still never would have imagined that he would be a part of something like this _and_ getting to use actual magic items. Well, the Book of Interception is a magic item, but there’s something delightfully different between letting Istus herself send a magical item his way to help on his adventures and wheedling his grandfather into letting him use the Book of Interception to further his detective work.

            Leon is looking at his book when they enter, saying, “Hello, and welcome-” He sees who his visitors are. “-back,” He manages to choke out. “Do you, uh, do you have any tokens to throw in the Fantasy Gachapon?” It sounds like he doesn’t know whether to wish that the answer is a yes or a no. They hold up four oversized silvery tokens, and Angus can see Leon gulp. Taako’s grin is far too innocent. “So, who wants to go first, who’s feeling lucky?”

            “I’ll do it,” Merle says, stepping up. A capsule the size of a shoe box comes out, which is fitting, as the capsule contains slippers with little wings on them. They flap their way out of the box, flying around Merle, Leon, and Angus’s heads while Leon looks them up and explains that they’ll allow Merle to move faster when he’s about to get into a fight. As soon as he wrangles them from where they flutter around, Merle plops onto the floor of the room to put them on.

            Magnus steps up next, and this time chants, “Shield, shield, shield,” as opposed to, “Magic dog, magic dog, magic dog.” Angus guesses that he’s finally accepted that the Director is going to be firm on this one. Or at least that this isn’t going to be the way that he smuggles a dog onto the moon. The latter seems far more likely.

            And just like last time, Magnus is disappointed, as a capsule far smaller than a shield falls out, face falling in unison. Magnus opens the volleyball-sized capsule and a right-handed green cloth glove flops out.

            “I guess at least one of your hands will be warm, sir.” Angus laughs at the look Magnus gives him in return while Leon flips through the book. Searching through the glove entries proves futile, so while Leon is searching under different hand-related articles of clothing, Angus, Taako, and Merle poke fun at Magnus and his singular glove.

            “Mitt, actually.” Leon finally finds the right entry. “This is a magic item called the Fletcher’s Mitt, and if you ever find yourself on the receiving end of a crossbow bolt or arrow, non-magical mind you, this should give you a little extra help. You should be able to avoid or even catch the projectile launched at you.” Magnus lights up at that and pulls the glove onto his right hand happily. It clashes horribly with Phantom Fist, Angus thinks.

            While Angus is still contemplating Magnus’s fashion choices, Taako steps up. And hands Leon the coin. Angus’s first indication of what is about to take place is Leon’s suddenly distressed voice saying, “Oh god. How can this be? You’ve already done this before!”

            “I’m ready!” Taako says cheerfully, and Angus feels fairly certain he knows exactly what expression is hiding behind the wizard’s enormous hat.

            Leon shoves the coin back at Taako. “Okay, just- remember the monologue. You have to pop it into the machine and turn the handle on your own. I can’t do it for you, remember? The whole thing about leaving things in fate’s hands?”

            “Right, hands.” Taako hands the coin back over to Leon. “So, let’s go.”

            “No, just, look, if I do it, then it’s my magic item now. You don’t want that, right?”

            “No, I want a magic item.”

            “Sir, please.” Angus says, exasperation creeping into his voice. There’s a noise in the background, and Angus turns away from Leon’s own exasperated face to see Magnus shoving his bow and quiver at Merle, gesturing wildly to get Merle to shoot an arrow at him to try out the Fletcher’s Mitt. Which sounds like a stupendously bad idea.

            As Leon gets increasingly desperate, Angus hears an, “All right!” from Taako and the distinct sound of the coin scraping against the slot, followed by a heavy sigh from Leon. Merle attempts to shoot Magnus, the arrow falling sadly to the floor well short of its target.

            “All right halfway there, just turn the handle now.” Leon is trying to sound encouraging but really just sounds like he’s lost both patience and hope. Magnus rushes up to the arrow and picks it up in his mitted hand before holding his arms over his head in triumph.

            After an explanation of clockwise versus counterclockwise that Angus is entirely sure that Taako does not need and Leon now practically hiding under his desk, Taako turns the crank and a small thin capsule pops out.

            “Ooh, between the fan and the umbrella, I’m one 17 inch waist away from Fantasy Scarlett O’Hara.” Taako says while Leon rattles off an explanation of the Gustmaster 5000, eye twitching.

            “Wait, actually, let me, let me see your umbrella.” Leon looks over the Umbra Staff, noting the sigil. “This is different from when you were last here.”

            “Yeah, it ate the wand of a shitty wizard.” Taako nods.

            “I’m sure you’ll remember my explanation, that items like the Umbra Staff are capable of consuming the power of magical objects of magic users you defeat in combat. Judging by this sigil here, you’ll be able to freely cast Slow Fall on yourself and your party whenever you might need it.”

            There’s a beat.

            “Wow, sir, that sure sounds like it would have been useful when you pushed me off a train!” Angus says brightly, and realization dawns on everyone’s faces. They jumped off an out of control train despite having an easy answer _all along_.

            “You know, honestly, honestly, to be fair, it’s not like it was explained to me at the time.” Taako shrugs. “And we were all fine.”

            “I lost some teeth.” Angus says.

            “We got them back.”

            “I nearly died!” Magnus is indignant.

            “But you didn’t!”

            “I… took some damage.” Merle shrugs.

            “Oh, woe is you. Anyone else wanna complain about Taako saving their lives and the day? Anyone? No? Then we’re all good, my dudes. Ango, you’re up.”

            Leon breathes a relieved sigh as Angus walks up to the gachapon, drops his coin in, and quickly spins the handle. A capsule about the same size and shape as the one Taako has just received falls out. “Oh, hey, Ango got a fan, too!” Taako points out. “Bet mine’s better.”

            “Uh, not quite, sir.” Angus pops open the capsule to pull out- a wand. Small, not nearly as dramatic as Taako’s Umbra Staff (or even his recently repaired wand), plain aside from the small five-pointed star at the tip. Angus doesn’t breathe for a moment. He has _a wand_. A wand of his very own.

            Wait, what is he going to do? Angus doesn’t know magic.

            “Wow, boychik, magic wand, huh?” Taako leans heavily onto his shoulder, nearly causing Angus to stumble.

            “Uh, y-yes, sir.” Angus stammers, still looking the wand over. He quickly decides that it’s perfect. Even if he can’t use it. Even if he has no idea how to go about even learning how to use it.

            “Well. Guess that’s that then.” Taako plucks the wand right out of Angus’s hands and looks it over, ignoring Angus’s squeak of surprise and protest, before nodding and handing it back. “Guess cha’boy’s gonna have to teach you magic. Can’t have you ending up a shitty wizard like Jenkins.”

            Angus feels like his eyes have grown wider than the lenses of his glasses. “You mean it, sir?” He nearly yells, getting Magnus’s and Merle’s attention from where Merle is still trying to shoot at Magnus so he can catch the arrow.

            “Hell yeah, pumpkin. Just don’t go getting better at magic than me, little man.”

            More excited than even when a new Caleb Cleveland novel comes out, Angus throws his arms around Taako’s middle and holds on tight. “Thank you, sir!”

 

* * *

 

            Taako is having a hard time keeping a smile off his face as they walk over to the Fantasy Costco, though he attributes it to the fact that he is about to increase his own spending money with some sort-of-stolen goods and the return counter. Angus seems to be having an equally difficult time doing the same, or maybe he’s just not trying as hard. Taako had let Angus cling to him for a few seconds longer than he might for other people, extracting the arm not holding the Umbra Staff and the Gustmaster 5000 to somewhat awkwardly pat him on the back, muttering, “Can’t believe you’re this excited about magic lessons, Ango.”

            Truthfully, it had been… easy to offer. Even easier than he’d made the casual offer sound. In all honesty, something Taako typically avoided at all costs, the way Angus’s whole face had lit up with unabashed joy, wonder, and excitement… that kind of reminded Taako of himself, over a hundred years ago, the first time he managed to get his hands on a wand. Stolen, natch, nothing magically gifted by fate to him, but he can still remember the feeling, and he’d seen it again on Angus’s face. And listen, Taako might have done, uh, a truly _fantastic_ job of teaching himself magic and cooking, but that only meant that Angus would have an easier time learning himself with an amazing teacher. And he could see that it meant _a lot_ to Angus.

            Which was why he’d tolerated Angus’s hug for so long. Right. Tolerated.

            The Fantasy Costco jingle plays loudly as they enter, and Magnus and Merle are immediately off to look at the new inventory. Taako nudges Angus off after them, telling him that he has to go make a return and to look at the inventory. Angus looks doubtful in an instant, Taako easily picking up on the kid wondering if he’d done the wrong thing, another echo of his own childhood. Taako attempts to assuage that fear with a laugh, ruffling Angus’s hair, and reminding him, “Go, uh, go get some unnecessary spell components. You’ll, uh, you’ll never use them, not in this world, but, uh, good to have for learning magic.” Angus brightens up and races off at once.

            At the return counter, Taako dumps the box of silverware and recently modified tiara on the counter. Taako had already looked over his pilfered items, and while Angus’s silverware was, uh, pretty fuckin’ genuine silver, the tiara had been more or less worthless. Up until Taako transmuted it into something valuable.

            The appraiser is of course still more interested in the silverware. “This, this could be worth thousands. This could be worth tens of thousands!” They’re nearly vibrating with excitement, and Taako is left wondering how in the hell Angus, fancy boy and resident nerd, got his hands on this. Family heirloom? Really? “Wait… wait…” The appraiser counts through the silverware, tongue stuck between their teeth as they concentrate. And suddenly they droop, disappointed. “Three forks are missing. Incomplete set.”

            “Oh yeah, I gave them away to some baby. Like an idiot.”

            “Well, the complete set would be worth at least 30,000 gold, but with the forks missing… 280 gold pieces.” Taako considers, feels his own ears betray him and droop when he remembers Angus’s face.

            “Uh, sorry, no sale, my dude.”

            “You said it was a return.”    

            “Oh, cool, mine, anyway.” Taako unceremoniously shoves the entire thing into a pocket, utensils clanking together loudly. At least he’s got presents for Angus covered for the next forever now.

            The transmuted tiara is at least worth 300 gold in the form of store credit, far better than the 15 gold he would have received in cash.

            So, weighed down by what feels like a metric ton of silverware, Taako begins perusing the Fantasy Costco. He soon finds Angus looking curiously at a haunted doll, and nope, can’t have that. No haunted dolls in Taako’s dorm room, thank you very much.

            “See something you like? Ready to make a deal?” Angus jumps about a foot in the air, as a mysterious robed figure appears, hood propped up by what Taako hopes are two pointed ears. “A deal with me: Garfield the Deals Warlock! That’s right; I’m the boss, but it’s not a fight!”

            “Yeah, uh, listen, Ango, no creepy dolls in the dorm room. Unilateral decision. Not worth it. You better not _need_ any death saves, remember?”

            “Oh, I do, but it is fascinating, sir. It-”

            “Nope, no necromancy in the Fantasy Costco.” Taako interrupts abruptly, steering Angus away.

            “Oh, but there’s _always_ room for necromancy in the Fantasy Costco!” Garfield calls after them, and Taako’s skin might be crawling just a little. Not enough to keep him from buying the Pocket Spa, easily affordable between the 700 gold they’d each gotten paid and the 300 gold voucher, leaving him with 100 gold and Magnus and Merle scratching their heads over how he’d afforded the 900 gold item.

            While Taako sets up the pocket spa and starts in on the cucumber sandwiches waiting inside, Magnus approaches Garfield, arms full of stuff he’s pulled off the shelves. “All right, so I’m eyeballing this mystery bag and the Lens of Straight Creeping, but, uh, I also want the Tankard of Potent Drink.” He points at each item in turn, grinning at Garfield in what would probably be a winning way if you were inclined to help out a folk hero. No effect on Garfield, obviously.

            “Oh, sure, why don’t you just take everything in the store without paying for it?” Garfield nearly yowls.

            “I’ll give you 700 gold total for all three items.” Magnus offers.

            “Yes, yes, prepare to contest me, Garfield the Deals Warlock, in a test of mercantile wits! Have at thee!” And maybe Taako misses something, but it seems like they’re just staring each other down until Garfield huffs.

            “Okay, f-fine! You win! Despite our _very strict_ bottom line!”

            Magnus immediately shoves the tankard and lens into his bag before opening up the mystery bag and out pops: a goldfish in a glass ball.

            “It’s a… goldfish? A magic goldfish?” Angus turns to ask Garfield, who shrugs.

            “His name is Steven!” Magnus declares, immediately rubbing his new friend’s glass spherical home against his cheek. “Lord Steven Q. Fletcher, Esquire, the Goldfish, the Third.” He adds on after a moment.

            Angus purchases, and gets a good deal on, some kind of smoke bombs that will allow him to make a dramatic exit (“Or get away from bad guys and bad situations, sir!”), and both he and Magnus join Taako in relaxing in the Pocket Spa.

            As Merle steps up to try to haggle for the Ring of Recall, Garfield, presumably a bit irked by Magnus’s inexplicable victory and Angus’s successful deal, yells, “I shall meet you in a test of wits as well! Wits and wagers! If you so choose, but if you fail, your first child is mine!”

            “Um,” Merle says, so eloquently. “Alright.”

            “I will have your child!” Garfield yells.

            “…Wow.”

            “Are you tough enough?”

            “We’ll see?”

            “Wits and wagers!” There’s another staring contest. Taako noisily sucks out the very last droplets of his cucumber water through the straw. Fuck, there’s a lot of cucumber-related things in the spa. “Ah! I will have your child, and I will name them… Craigory! If only you had another 100 gold to buy the Ring of Recall!”

            Taako sighs, chucks the remaining hundred gold at Merle. “Here, cha’boy has an extra hundo.”

            “Wait, you got the pocket spa for only 600 gold!” Merle looks astonished as he rubs the spot on his head where Taako hit him.

            “Yeah, he got a really, really good deal!” Garfield laughs, winks. It’s creepy as fuck.

            “So what do I do with the hundred gold?” Merle asks, obvious answer seemingly not sinking in.

            “You exchange it for goods and services of course!”

            “Sir, with the hundred from Taako, you have 800. Enough to get the Ring of Recall.”

            “Oh. Then I will buy… the Ring of Recall!”

            It’s a wonder they ever manage to accomplish anything.

 

* * *

 

            Summer on the moon base is easily Angus’s favorite summer that he’s ever experienced. Of course, it’s easy to beat past years that alternated between boring garden parties and being stuck inside a stuffy mansion. But there are definitely things that make this summer actively _better_.

            Magic day with Taako has quickly become Angus’s favorite activity on the moon base. Despite his seemingly lax and occasionally begrudging attitude about it, Taako is a good teacher. Really, a great one, in Angus’s opinion. Angus is already able to conjure up a competent mage hand (and with the usual number of fingers now). His Ray of Frost isn’t half bad either, though Angus’s aim could be better. Probably a good thing Taako was wearing his Ring of Frost at their last lesson. And best of all, judging by his commentary, Taako might even be teaching him level 1 spells soon. Apparently Magnus will be volunteered into target practice for Magic Missile.

            Now is not Magic Day, however, but Angus _does_ have some time to himself, so he is, naturally enough, reading. What he might not have expected previously, is that he’s up a tree while doing it.

            After an offhand comment, Magnus decided that he needed to ensure Angus did “actual kid stuff” in addition to everything else. These activities have included tree climbing, though, really, it ended up being Carey teaching Angus how to climb, grinning happily hanging upside down from a high branch as Magnus threw a leg over one of the lowest. Magnus wasn’t pleased with that particular dex throw. But Angus, once he became adept enough at it, soon found that climbing up trees and climbing up trees with a book in tow especially proves to be quite enjoyable. But after Carey’s tree climbing demonstration, everyone joined in, claiming items off Magnus’s list. Given the season, they hadn’t gotten to anything wintery, and no one had been particularly fond of stick and hoop. But there’s a lot Angus found that he does enjoy.

            Taako insisted on a high five the first time Angus accidentally colored outside the lines in a coloring book, much to Angus’s confusion. Magnus insists on teaching Angus wood carving, since Magnus can’t even remember when he first started, so surely Angus is old enough. Killian, Carey, and Avi all get very into hopscotch and jump rope. Johan begins teaching Angus music basics. The dome-shaped pillow fort had been a favorite of everyone.

            Angus’s favorite activity, however, is really still reading, so on nice days like this one, with breezes keeping the moon cool in the summer heat, he can often be found up a tree, book in hand. Not always alone. Taako will Levitate up, claiming he’s hiding from training and the dreaded labor. Magnus hoists himself up, shaking just about the entire tree as he does, before settling into wood carving. Usually ducks, though Angus doesn’t know why. Carey and Killian stop by sometimes, Carey always showing off her sweet flips. On occasion, Davenport joins him. Sometimes it’s a sort of companionable silence, Angus reading while Davenport looks to the sky and clouds overhead almost wistfully. And sometimes Angus reads aloud while Davenport listens. He seems to like books with sailing the best.

            This time, however, Angus is alone, comfortably perched in what has become his favorite spot of his favorite tree, when he hears a call from a voice he recognizes well. “Hey, Ango! We’re starting a soccer game, and you’re playing!”

            Angus looks up from his book to see Magnus waving at him below before looking beyond him to the others. Killian and Carey are setting up one goal fairly close to Angus’s tree while it looks like Avi and Brad are setting up the far one. Merle is standing between Johan and Robbie, and Angus can guess by his posture, even at this distance, that he’s uncomfortable with his current companions. Someone has flopped on the ground, and Angus can’t quite see their face. He can, however, see Taako’s enormous wizard hat.

            “I don’t remember agreeing to that. Or you even asking, sir.”

            “Come on, Ango, we need you.” Magnus whines. “How am I supposed to beat Carey and Killian without you?”

            “I have never once played soccer in my life, sir.”

            “Then now’s a great time to learn!” Angus has learned that it’s hard to say no to Magnus when he’s got that face. Unless you’re the Director and Magnus is asking for a dog.

            Angus climbs down and walks over to join the others. Merle actually looks relieved that he’s joined them.

            “All right, let’s go!” Magnus cheers. Angus takes one look at Killian and Carey and has no doubt of what the outcome will be.

            “Cha’boy already told you: no running.”

            “But Taakoooooooooo, we finally have ten players.”

            “Wait, what?” Taako throws the hat off and sits up, looking betrayed at Angus. “Agnes, you were supposed to be too much of a nerd to agree!” Taako flops back on the ground, heaves a dramatic sigh.

            “We could make the game… interesting.” Carey says. Taako’s ears perk up the smallest bit, but the rest of Taako is unmoved. “Whoever wins gets to pick what Angus does planetside first.”

            “Hey!” Angus objects.

            Taako considers. “Fine, but _your team_ gets _Agnes_.”

            “ _Hey!_ ” Angus objects a second time, more vehemently, crossing his arms.

            “Don’t worry, Ango, we’ll go easy on you.” Magnus says, reassuring.

            It’s Magnus, Taako, Merle, Johan, and Robbie against Killian, Carey, Brad, Avi, and Angus. It’s also no contest.

            Brad opts for theater, Avi for more sports. Carey and Killian settle on the zoo. Angus’s pick is for a museum. Taako grumbles. Angus laughs and decides he rather likes soccer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there!
> 
> Surprise? I'd like to say this fairly fluffy chapter is exclusively to say thank you because fic hits hit four digits (woo!), but honestly, I actually knew exactly how I wanted to do this chapter, and I started writing it the day after posting the last chapter. And maybe I guilt tripped myself over the delay on the last one. Am I still astonished I expanded an episode to a full chapter? Absolutely. Hoping to get up chapter seven and part one of Petals to the Metal up in two weeks!
> 
> But more importantly, thanks! I really didn't expect a whole lot, so it's kind of crazy to me that this has gotten clicked on so many times. And if you're reading this, you've presumably read the whole thing, so thank you, you wonderful human!
> 
> Kudos, see button. Comment, see button. All other inquires, see [charmandhex](https://charmandhex.tumblr.com).


	7. Angus McDonald, Stowaway

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tres Horny Boys have a new job to do, and Angus isn’t invited. Like rules ever stopped them before. And they’re going to need all the help they can get, because between some flirtatious vines, a particularly grumpy baby, and a criminal with godlike nature powers, it’s not going to be easy beating green.
> 
> Merle channels divinity, but it might be one of those pay per view channels. Taako goes multidimensional. Magnus slices, dices, and holds on for dear lifeses. Angus isn’t supposed to be here.

            Merle is standing with Taako and Magnus in the Director’s office. Angus isn’t present. That’s already a good sign. And at least whatever this is, it got them out of training and fighting Killian, Avi, and Robbie.

            Killian had insisted that they need to be prepared to fight multiple types of opponents, plus the fact that she and Carey could just, you know, entirely crush them on their own. Plus Boyland is off visiting one of his kids. Thank Pan. Though throwing Robbie into the fight had seemed a bit odd, considering his abilities seem limited to brewing weird potions and throwing them at people. And getting Pringles crumbs all over the damn dorm room. And Merle is half convinced that Killian just wanted an excuse to show off for Carey, who had been sitting with Angus and Davenport, watching the fight. Carey had been making goo goo eyes at Killian the whole time. Angus had been watching and occasionally taking notes, no doubt trying to be helpful. Davenport had actually been watching, alert instead of blank, following the fight studiously. Merle had even caught glimpses of the gnome nodding to himself whenever they’d done anything particularly bordering on competent.

            But then it had been interrupted by an announcement from the Director, and here they are. In her office. Again.

            The Director looks even more exhausted than usual, which is likely not a great sign. Merle spares a moment to wonder when the last time she took a day off was. She skips the greetings, jumping straight into business. “I have an urgent mission for you. You’ll need to depart posthaste-”

            “Well, hi, hello to you too.” Magnus frowns, crossing his arms.

            She sighs, a centuries old long-suffering sigh. “Yes, hello-”

            “How are ya?” Merle asks cheerfully.

            “I’m doing. Just. _Fine_.”

            “Say hello to my fish!” Magnus pulls out the magic glass ball with the fish. Or is it a regular glass ball with a magic fish? Or both? Either way, one of them is magic, considering the fish is _not_ floating upside down and Magnus has had it more than a week.

            “You want me to-” She can’t even manage incredulity as she comes face to face with a goldfish.

            “Say hello to my fish, yes. His name’s Steven.”

            “Oh, yes, look at that. Hello, Steven. Does he do anything?”

            “He swims around, and he loves me.” Magnus says proudly.

            “Right. Yes, hello, how are you, nice fish, and if we’re quite done, I have a job for the three of you. I need for the three of you to report to the city of Goldcliff.” There’s a pause. “I assume you’ve heard of it? Financial seat of power?”

            There are some assents all the way around, Taako mumbling something about a show before clamming up. The Director looks a bit relieved that they at least know where they’ll be going.

            “As I’m sure you will have concluded, one of our Seekers has found that there is a Grand Relic in the city of Goldcliff. However, it is currently in the possession of a master criminal known as the Raven. We’ve been unable to apprehend her-”

            “Ugh, that is so Raven.” Magnus accepts high fives from Merle and Taako. Maybe a low five from Merle. Merle thinks he sees the Director’s mouth quirk into a smile for the briefest of instants.

            “She’s so named for the feathered black mask that she wears. Your goal will be to apprehend her and reclaim the Relic-”

            “Hell yeah we will; that’s the job title, homie.”

            “-The Relic that she’s been using to wreak havoc all over Goldcliff.” The Director ignores the interruption and finishes her sentence. “And this time I can actually provide you with some useful information about the Relic. The Gaia Sash gives the wearer control over nature, providing incredible control over wind, water, and flora. Which is what makes it so… unusual that she would hold up in Goldcliff rather than a forest where she would be a god.” The Director explains.

            “So Merle’s got a new boss?” Magnus asks.

            “Hey!” Merle replies, indignant. “What kind of idiot would try to make something to get on Pan’s level anyway?”

            “Even though she’s in the city, the powers granted to her by the Gaia Sash have made the Raven impossible to catch. So you’ll need to go into the city and work with the militia to stop the Raven and obtain the Gaia Sash. _Discreetly_.” She emphasizes.

            “Our specialty. Sounds pretty easy. Better than the train.” Taako nods, hat flopping as he does. “I mean, it’s a whole city, but I’m sure we can figure something out. Can’t be that hard to track down a master criminal.”

            “If we just work together and stay positive!” Magnus agrees.

            “Yeah, like he said!” Taako nods more vigorously, hat flailing more violently.

            “Guys, we suck.” Merle says, deadpan, and Taako snorts.

            “Speak for yourself, homie, I’m level six.” Taako turns back to the Director. “So, um, let’s see, do we need any relevant equipment?”

            “That’s up to you, homie.” The Director replies, voice still dripping with gravitas.

            “Any leads then?”

            “We have a Seeker on the ground, as I mentioned earlier, who you can regroup with and get information from. He’s also acting _discreetly_ because his position is fairly high up, and he understandably doesn’t want to be associated with a shadowy cabal.”

            “Is he with the militia? Do we have a way to contact him?” Taako prods further.

            “How about a name? Can we get a name? Have you met us? We need all the help we can get.” Magnus asks.

            “His name is… Captain Captain Bane. He’s the captain of the Goldcliff militia.” She gracefully ignores the snorts over the Seeker’s name. They really shouldn’t be judging when their own last names include, “From TV,” and one inspired by facial hair.

            “Right. We’re gonna get going, okay?” Taako claps his hands together, seemingly excited now. “Stop by the room, grab Agnes and our stuff-”

            “What? _No_.” The Director goes from vaguely tired and amused at her employees to serious in an instant. Which sounds like great news for Merle. “Angus is a _Seeker_. He is _not_ allowed to participate in the Reclaiming of Relics. You have already reclaimed two. You’ve seen just how dangerous they can be from the Phoenix Fire Gauntlet and just how far someone will go to get them from the Oculus. A ten year old boy, no matter how precocious and talented, has no place anywhere near the Raven or the Gaia Sash. And _yes_ , Taako, I know you’ve started to teach him magic, but cantrips will not hold up against a Grand Relic. I cannot condone putting Angus in any more danger than he’s already experienced, and I don’t know how you can consider it. When that sphere departs, Angus will _not_ be sitting in it.”

            It’s one hell of a staring contest, far more intense than their earlier battles with Garfield the Deals Warlock. Merle’s watching intently, waiting to _finally_ have a job away from the kid again. After a few long dwarven heartbeats, he sees Taako’s ears twitch.

            “…Fine.”

            The Director breathes a sigh of relief, and there’s no venom in her voice as she says, “Now get the hell out of my office.”

 

* * *

 

            Their adventure into Goldcliff is already looking far more promising than the excursion to Rockport, flying toward a city that is quite literally shining, a verdant oasis bordered by rivers that tumble over the cliff on the city’s other side. No pegasi to be seen, and more importantly, no swamp. Way better match to the Taako aesthetic, uh, thank you.

            On the far side of the city, in the Fantasy Mad Max wasteland area, clouds of dust are churning upwards, in a path that follows tall black pylons, racing toward the cliff. Looks to be some kind of battlewagon racing.

            But that’s not where they’re headed. No, they’re headed to the tallest, shiniest building in the whole tall, shiny city. As Taako brakes they get a great view of the gargantuan, gaudy, and _very_ gold statue that tops the building, which is emblazoned with the words “Goldcliff Trust.”

            And, uh, seems like the bank’s getting a little _too_ verdant, actually. Enormous thorny vines are nearly encompassing the structure, spines punching through glass windows easily, vines curling around the metal framework as easily as their smaller cousins might climb a trellis.

            Taako doesn’t need to be a world class detective to guess that is where they’ll need to go to reclaim the Gaia Sash.

            Though he might _have_ one of those. Maybe.

            The glass sphere lands in an alley, and Taako, Magnus, and Merle depart, straightening clothes and in Taako’s case, a very large bedazzled wizard’s hat. Once he’s quite at his leisure and the glass sphere has started its float back to the moon base, Taako pulls a particular item out from his bag. With a few vigorous shakes, its occupant falls to the ground with a resounding thud, back to regular miniature human size by the time it hits pavement.

            “You locked me in the pocket spa!” Angus sputters, standing up and straightening his glasses, while Magnus gapes and Merle throws his hands up in the air, muttering under his breath. “Sir, I’m not supposed to _be_ here.” He gestures around at the alley before getting distracted and looking around. Of course.

            “Sounds like a you problem, homie. Or a Director problem.” Taako says lazily, pulling Angus’s nerd detective bag out of his own and tossing it at the boy.

            “Hold on, hold on.” Magnus does a time out gesture. “You brought him _anyway_? When we were specifically told not to bring Angus?”

            “Uh, _yeah_. Recipe for success straight from a world class chef: one boy detective and as many competent women as we can find.” Taako passes by the kids playing with their hoop and stick, pulling Angus along with him. “C’mon, Agnes, Goldcliff Trust isn’t getting any closer just standing here. We’ve got a Relic and a giant gold statue to grab, order flexible.”

            “…Goldcliff?” Angus practically squeaks, jolting to a stop.

            “Yep.” Taako pops the p. When Angus doesn’t move, Taako jerks his head, gesturing for them to move onward.

            Eventually, Angus starts walking forward again, looking tenser than Brad Bradson at that last fantasy OSHA training.

            “And did you have a plan for when someone realizes I’m gone, sir?”

            “Psh, Agnes, you underestimate us. It’s gonna be easy peasy; we’ll be back in no time. And listen, like, _actually_ easy peasy, not serial killer on a train easy peasy. And, uh, if anyone _does_ realize, they’ll just, uh, assume you’re working in the library like a good little nerd.”

            “That sounds like a terrible plan, sir.”

            “Listen, that’s the secret, boychik. I didn’t make a plan.”

            “I absolutely couldn’t tell. Why did you bring me here, sir?”

            Taako pauses for a moment before answering. At least kind of answering. “Told ya, recipe for success and all that. And _listen_ , you get into enough trouble on your own. Might as well get into trouble when we can actually, uh, uh, help, right, pumpkin?”

            “But sir-” Taako heads off that conversation with a change of subject.

            “So, Agnes, there’s another, uh, Seeker here, which, dunno why you took _that_ job, not nearly as cool, and uh, he’s actually kind of the, uh, captain of the militia.”

            “So you’re telling me this because we’re going to have to look for him?”

            “Nah, I figure, figure we’ll run into him sooner or later. But, uh, you know him? You do much detective shit in Goldcliff?” Taako sees Angus stiffen even further at the question.

            “No, sir, I, uh, don’t, don’t work in Goldcliff.” Angus doesn’t elaborate. Taako shrugs and continues strolling forward. You’d think Merle and Magnus would have caught up by now. Knowing Magnus, he’s doing something unnecessary, like using the Lens of Straight Creeping on the alleyway.

            “Seems like a place like this would have a lot of mysteries for a genius boy detective.”

            “Mostly just financial crimes, sir. Corruption and all that.” Angus’s shoulders have started creeping upward, Taako notes, ears flicking with interest.

            “So? Listen, you monologued about justice for like five minutes in the theater in Neverwinter. I nearly fell asleep.”

            “That was different. There are some very bad, very powerful people here. There are people here… that I can’t cross.” For the first time in a long time, since… Phandalin, there’s something like fear in Angus’s voice.

            “Agnes, you’ve read that one Caleb Cleveland about taking down some shadowy rich people cabal, like, seven times.” Taako continues prodding regardless. It might have something to do with what feels like ice in his stomach.

            “I’ve read most of Caleb Cleveland that many times, sir.” Angus’s little boy voice comes out sharp, and Taako realizes that it’s time to back off. They’ve all got secrets, even if Angus solved one of his biggest issues. Taako can certainly understand not wanting to share the tragic backstory. Which is _hopefully_ not as tragic as Angus’s words would seem to indicate. It’s silent for a few moments.

             Angus clears his throat and none too carefully pushes his glasses up his nose again. “So which Relic is- _oh_.” Angus sees the vines and puts it together. Unless one of the other four Relics can also spawn a fuckton of plants. Oh, bad choice of words. Very bad choice of words. “That certainly answers that question.” Angus says, pushing his glasses up his nose yet again. They stand on the periphery a moment, looking over the scene while Magnus and Merle _finally_ catch up.

            The militia have managed to make something of a barricade out of their wagons, giving Goldcliff Trust a hell of a lot of personal space. Unfortunately for them, the vines are already spreading outward, so soon that’s gonna be, uh, pretty fuckin’ useless. There’s a man built like Magnus barking out orders, audible even from here.

            Something tells Taako they’ve found Captain Captain Bane, captain of the Goldcliff militia and secret Bureau of Balance Seeker. He strides forward, heedless of whether or not the rest of his party will follow. They do, natch.

            “Hail and well met and all that.” Taako calls out. “Um, I’m Taako and-”

            “Hold on- wait, wait, wait, Barry, get Private Barry out of the vines! Oh my god. Yes, you, Sergeant, Sergeant Barry, get _Private_ Barry out of the vines! _Before_ he gets all swallowed.” The man finally turns to them, gruff and imposing and possibly bigger than Magnus. “Sorry, you were saying?” He takes a closer look at them. “Wait, who the hell are you three- four? Why is there a kid here? What are you doin’ here?”

            “Are you Bane?”

            “Yeah, I’m Captain Captain Bane, what of it?” The captain takes a moment to yell back at one of the Barrys; Taako has already forgotten which is which.

            “We’re from the wink-” And Magnus winks as he says it. “And the nudge nudge sent us.” Magnus attempts to nudge the man as well, who doesn’t seem to appreciate it.

            “Let’s put it this way. You can understand us when we say the word, ‘voidfish.’” Taako tries, and Captain Captain Bane’s eyebrows go up as he looks at each of them in turn. It’s hard to say who he looks more skeptical about, Merle or Angus. Angus fidgets and pushes his glasses up his nose for what has to be the twentieth time since they arrived in Goldcliff. Or since Taako extracted him from the pocket spa.

            “Yep. That… does it. Let’s see your arms though.”

            Taako holds out his bracer-less right arm. Magnus flexes. Merle holds out a leg. Angus, sighing quietly, holds out a bracered left arm.

            “So, what are we looking at here, Captain? What’s the sitch?” Magnus asks, having pulled out Railsplitter so quickly it’s like it Blinked into place and staring at the vines with that particularly choppy look in his eyes.

            “Okay.” Captain Captain Bane has now turned his skeptical look on Magnus. “Here’s the sitch: the Raven is obviously in Goldcliff Trust, I’m guessing stealing all the gold. Just gonna go out on a limb there.”

            “Careful out there; Magnus like chopping limbs off. Tree limbs.” Merle warns.

            “Right. Look, a lot of people’s finances are tied up in Goldcliff Trust, so, a lot of gold. We managed to evacuate a lot of the building, but we’re, uh, having trouble gaining access to it now, as you can see, from all the vines.”

            “So would you like us to go in and… get her? And, uh, if so, do you think we’re high enough levels to do that? Cause, uh, we’re like… six.” Taako asks, looking between Captain Captain Bane and the vines and Angus, whose shoulders have crept almost to his ears at this point, and the far off glint of the shiny gold statue that tops Goldcliff Trust.

            “Six… years old?” Captain Captain Bane looks at Angus, who rises to the doubtful expression and whose shoulders finally drop.

            “I’m ten, sir. And the world’s greatest detective. I likely have more experience than Private Barry over there.” Said Barry is now being escorted away from the vines.

            “Yeah, we have seen a lot of shit. This isn’t our first rodeo! It’s like our… third.” Magnus adds.

            “No, I get it. And you know, that would, that would be terrific, if you could go in and get her and the Relic. And, uh, I’m familiar with your rodeos. You guys are legends. I host a fantasy podcast about you.”

            “Oh, probably, probably doesn’t do too great off the moon base.” Taako pats his arm sympathetically.           

            “Well, no. Narrow but impactful fan base. On the moon. Pretty much exclusively.”

            “Any civilians still in there?” Magnus jabs a thumb in the direction of the building, slowly inching over.

            “We think we cleared them all... out?” Captain Captain Bane finishes, questioning, as Magnus sprints over the building to go weed-whacking.

            “I guess, thank you, sir?” Taako hears Angus say, while he and Merle head over to the vine-covered entrance to the building. They’ve never been good at ending conversations.

            Despite his protests to the contrary, Magnus is making exactly zero progress. Actually, the whole vine sitch seems to be getting worse.

            “You got any ideas, old man?” Taako asks, leaning over to use Angus as an arm rest once he walks over.

            “I could cast Blight!” Merle offers gleefully.

            “Sir, that’s a fourth level necromancy spell.” Taako feels Angus’s head turn under his arm as he turns to look at Merle. Taako turns as well, eyeing the dwarf.

            “So?”

            “Listen, we’re not fuckin’- we can’t _cast_ fourth level spells.” Merle continues to hem and haw about whether or not he can actually cast Blight. Taako ignores it, turning to the person still under his elbow. “You got any ideas, Ango McDango?”

            “Well, chopping at them seems to be pretty ineffective.”

            “Aw, come on, Ango, treat it like improv. No bad ideas in improv! ‘Yes, and’ it!” Magnus says, breathing heavily, taking a momentary break from his pointless hacking. The vines look even thicker from where Taako is standing (well out of reach of said vines) and pissed off besides. At least, that’s the conclusion Taako draws when the length of the thorns on some of the vines double in size.

            “Fine, sir. Yes, you attempted to cut down the vines. And it clearly didn’t work.” Angus says, sass shining through despite his earlier anxiety. “Perhaps magic would be more useful?”

            “…Think it’ll take more than a few fireballs to get through this.” Taako drums his fingers on the Umbra Staff, considering.

            “Ooh, I’ve got it! Vines, vines, go away, please let me through…” Magnus pauses, seems to think a moment, before admitting, “I can’t think of a rhyme.”

            “Hey, I think that one vine moved out of the way.” Angus says, bursting into giggles when Magnus whirls about, eager to see it for himself.

            It’s to their detriment that they’re distracted, Magnus by sulking and Angus and Taako by laughing at Magnus. Because Merle steps up in their stead. By the time Taako’s eyes have widened in realization, it’s started.

            “Hey, baby, I love your tendrils.” Merle says, cozying up to some vines that seem disconcertingly friendlier already. Taako screeches. Magnus covers his ears before changing his mind to cover Angus’s. “Lemme see your pistils and stamen.” Taako dares to look at the vines’ response. They’re flowering.

            Taako’s screeches reach a new pitch as he dives into his bag, scrambling for the pocket spa. He needs to shove Angus back in there _immediately_. And dive in himself, natch. Magnus is singing, loudly and horribly off key at the top of his lungs, trying to avoid it.

            “Hey there, vines…” Merle croons at the plants. _Grossarooni_. “Y’know what? My buddies over there are gonna sing a little sexy music.”

            Magnus immediately stops singing, horrified at the thought. “No, we’re not-”

            “Fine, fine! Just you and me then.” _Where_ is the pocket spa? Taako upends the bag, frantic. “I got here a few minutes ago, and I cannot take my eyes off of you. I looked at you across the square-” Magnus’s sounds of revulsion are preferable to listen to. “-60 feet away, and I said, ‘do not be chopping on this baby! Look at that sweet, sweet pollen sac! C’mon let’s go over there.’” Taako’s given up on the pocket spa and has settled for attempting to hide in his hat. It’s pretty fuckin’ ineffective as far as things go.

            “So, uh, anyway, it’d be really, really good if you would, like, spread your vines… and open up… and let us walk through your door if you know what I’m talking about.” It’s impossible to decide whether or not to be thankful as the vines pull back, clearing the entrance.  Magnus has that whole thousand yard stare thing going on. Angus seems unfazed. Taako is very specifically not looking at Merle, but his ears twitch as though burning as he hears the dwarf utter a few last remarks. There’s a sound like a whip slicing through air, a smack, and then, “Thank you!” from Merle.

            Taako’s completely changed his mind. This is easily the worst job he has ever taken.

 

* * *

 

            The lobby of Goldcliff Trust is just as opulent as you’d expect from the flashy exterior, all marble floors and lush, intricately patterned carpet on top of that. White marble columns run along the walls, soaring upward to a high ceiling decorated with a dozen chandeliers, all sparkling in different colors. The far wall hosts a line of teller booths, and even those glint with gilt. And the center of the room is dominated by a massive carved fountain, presumably meant to add the soothing sound of water flowing to the atmosphere. Presumably, because the fountain has been overtaken by a massive tree, nearly high enough to brush the ceiling, a few leaves lazily drifting downward from the branches.

            Naturally, the last is the thing to get Magnus to gasp in wonderment, grip tightening around Railsplitter.

            The silence left by the disruption of the fountain is also filled with the sound of a distantly blaring alarm, under which there’s a barely detectable sound of vines beginning to slither in from the building’s foundation.

            “Seems like that’s where we should be headed, sirs.” Magnus turns to look where Angus is pointing, at two doors on the left hand wall.

            “We’ve got some _weeeeeeeeird_ tracks headed that way, so, makes sense.” Magnus nods in agreement, putting away the Lens of Straight Creeping. At least the multitude of tracks heading out of the building would seem to indicate that the whole thing really has been evacuated. Save for the four of them and the Raven.

            “Wait, doors or booths?” Taako asks. “Cause, uh, one of them might involve stairs, and the other is the booths.”

            “Booths!” Merle says insistently.

            “Yeah, let’s check out the booths first.” Magnus nods.

            “Merle?” Taako asks.

            “Booths!” Merle says again.

            “Agnes?”

            “There could be something helpful over there.” Angus agrees with a shrug, though his eyes are back on the tree. Several more leaves have fallen from its branches.

            “BOOTHS!” Merle nearly yells, voice echoing in the space over even the alarm, as they begin walking toward the far wall. Whether it’s the noise or the approach, something actually seems to alert… the tree. The trunk of the tree twists, and Magnus makes out some knots and whorls that could creatively be called a face, before a massive branch whips straight toward them.

            The short people in the party, Angus and Merle, drop to the floor to avoid the hit. Magnus and Taako aren’t so lucky. They’re flung backward thirty feet, nearly to the entrance. Magnus is able to shake off the impact and look up just in time to see Taako disappear out of existence.

            “What the- huh?!” Magnus stammers, astonished. He blinks, once, twice. Taako doesn’t reappear. He’s still trying to sort that out when he feels the unmistakable sensation of one of Merle’s healing spells, restoring him to top Magnus condition.

            Because, _right_ , fighting. Initiative. Tree. _Railsplitter_. Magnus jumps up and starts rushing in, in time to see the tree roar as Angus hits it with a Ray of Frost. Whether Angus _meant_ to hit the spiky, mace-like branch specifically is questionable, but, hey, the thing’s iced over at least. “Good job, Ango!” Magnus yells as he runs past Angus.

            Magnus slides the rest of the way in on the wet floor and swings Railsplitter at the tree, connecting with a solid and satisfying chop before passing through. The tree wobbles, leaves falling off in earnest, before falling backward into the booths with a colossal thud and a lot of paperwork flying upward. Magnus turns away, grinning and giving a thumb’s up to Angus, who is still staring at the tree behind him. Score one for Magnus, fight over.

            Except then there’s an awful wailing sound. Magnus spins back toward the tree, which is inexplicably still alive for something that he chopped in half. Its tree face is screwed up in rage as it bellows in some sort of tree language.

            “Uh, sir? Do you know what it’s saying?” Angus asks tentatively somewhere behind Magnus.

            “Yeah, I speak that. So let me translate already.” Merle replies to Angus before pausing. “That means he is aggressively going to retaliate against you and cause you some kind of harm. Also, his name is Trent. Trent the Treant.”

            “But I chopped him _in half!_ ” Magnus yells, gesturing at the stump that was once Trent’s butt.

            “Yes, and he did not take kindly to that.” Magnus swings Railsplitter at the trunk again, at which point Trent shrieks again, before flinging the spiky arm at Magnus, slowed the smallest amount by the ice. It still hits. Magnus parries. At least bludgeoning damage is preferable to the poison damage he would have gotten, judging by the ooze shimmering noxiously under Angus’s frost.

            Three blasts of fire blister over Magnus’s head, two hitting Trent and the last scorching the wall. Magnus looks back in time to see a lazy smile on Taako’s face before he winks back out of existence. He’s also in time to see the vines that he’s all but forgotten up to this point, dive at Merle and Angus. Angus easily evades the first, but Merle’s quickly restrained. Well. Tits.

 

* * *

 

            Now seems as good a time as any for his second Channel Divinity. Merle looks at the tree and plaintively asks, “Why?” It’s hilarious to see both Magnus and the kid jump in surprise at the tree language.

            “MY BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTT!” Trent the Treant roars, anguished. “MY BUTT! NO, MY BUUUUUUUUUTT!” It quickly devolves into wailing, then sobbing. “My buuuuuuuuutt… I was just born! And then my butt came off! This is even worse than the frozen hand! Why would you do this? I’ll kill you all!”

            Okay, fine. Not exactly Merle’s first time dealing with a screaming baby. Probably the first time he’s dealt with a screaming baby this big, even if you include Magnus. “Trent-” He starts in calmly.

            “I just got born! I’m a baby, and you froze my hand, and _you_ cut my _butt_ off!” Trent jabs a branch first toward Angus and then in Magnus’s direction. Both jump back in response, Magnus immediately going to shield the kid as well. “You cut my whole body off my butt!”

            “I have the power to heal you!” Merle speaks up, louder, still trying to maintain that calm, authoritative voice. “Listen, I-”

            “Listen, no, you listen! My hand is frozen, and I don’t have a butt anymore because you’re rolling with some genuine dicks!”

            “I’m not with them! I’m not with them!” Merle tries to hold up his empty hands as best as he can while restrained by the vine.

            “You came in with them, and you healed one of them!”

            “No, no, I came in with them to say, ‘can’t we just _talk_ to Trent?’ I just wanna talk! I don’t know who these guys are. I have plant growth, and I can heal you-” Trent’s still crying great big tears of what is probably sap. Magnus and Angus still look braced for impact, though their eyes are going back and forth between Merle and Trent in confusion. Right, this conversation probably makes no sense from their point of view at all. “Shhhh, shhhh. I know it hurts. It’s a boo-boo. And he’s a bad, bad man.”

            “He is, he’s the worst man. And I’ve only met five men. And he is the worst one, and I hate it!”

            “Hey, hey. I can do plant growth, and you can read the Extreme Teen Bible, and I can fix your butt!”

            “I can’t read! I’m like 30 minutes old!” Trent’s volume shoots upward again, and Merle makes some frantic shushing noises to try to get the treant to calm down. “That was a fart. I have to do those out of my mouth now thanks to your friend!”  
            “Shhhh, shhhh, okay, okay. Here, Magnus can read the Extreme Teen Bible to you while I use plant growth to fix your butt. We just have to stop this conflict and be buds. See what I did there?”

            Trent ignores the pun. It wasn’t Merle’s best work, to be fair. “I’m gonna get kinda existential, but I was born 30 minutes ago and put here to stop people from going upstairs! And I’m sad about my butt… but mostly I’m just angry. And I think? I’m actually winning this fight?” Trent brushes off Merle’s attempts to persuade him otherwise. “Listen, I want a butt very badly. So if you give me my butt back? I’ll only… kill your friends.”

            Merle starts gesturing to Magnus with his head to chop the tree again, because clearly this is going nowhere. Magnus doesn’t get it, while Angus has his wand in his hand, but is hesitating. No help whatsoever. Merle continues talking to Trent, “Hm. You’ll let me go? I, I mean, anyone that would hurt trees, they really suck.” Merle switches to another language altogether. “Just chop him already!” He yells to Magnus, who _finally_ gets it.

            Merle continues attempting to distract Trent while Magnus rushes forward and brings his axe down on the tree. “Magnus! What did you do?!” Merle gasps, fake shocked, to Magnus’s disbelief.

            “But you-”

            “Oh, Magnus. I’m not mad. I’m just disappointed.”

            “But you said-”

            “Poor Trent.” Merle says sadly. Trent, for his part, has sensed the shift in the tide of battle, and is pleading, starting to crawl toward the entrance, sap oozing noxiously in his wake. Taako finally reappears again, looking at the treant.

            “Just born?” Taako asks, and there’s no real response. “Welcome to Earth!” Taako shoots another Scorching Ray, and Trent disintegrates.

            “Trent! Oh, Trent.” Merle says, sadly. He is admittedly playing it up to get a reaction from Magnus.

            “I guess we solved the baby Trent puzzle, huh, Agnes?” Taako returns to using the kid as an armrest.

            “If the solution was setting a tree on fire, sir.” Angus sounds resigned to his fate.

            “Trent, nooooo.” Merle continues on dramatically.

            “It… he hit me, like real hard.” Magnus has his hands up in the universal gesture for _why_.

            “But you’re kind of a douchebag, and he was so young.”

            “I, I miss him, too. It was a him? Couldn’t hear a thing in the ethereal plane over there. Nothing there but some creepy little grey dudes with big white eyes. Anyway… Is there any good gold around here or what?” Taako sets off for the booths, Angus following after.

 

* * *

 

            The booths, now readily accessible thanks to Trent’s fall, seem pretty much picked clean, Angus notes as he looks around. Just some scattered paperwork, pens, and broken inkwells for the most part. But his keen eyes still detect something passed over, and Angus returns to the other three, a small black lockbox in hand and a key in his pocket.

            “Sirs, I-”

            Magnus grabs the box and tugs at the lock. “Of course it’s locked.”

            “Sir-” Angus starts going through his bag. It’s a mess, but of course it is, _Taako_ packed it after shoving Angus into the pocket spa to sneak him along.

            Magnus throws the box in the air; it hits him again on the way down. He lifts it up again easily. He tries throwing it at the ground. No go. Magnus looks ready to try to poison the inanimate object when Angus finally finds what he’s looking for.

            “Uh, sir? Would you like some help with that?” Angus holds up his lock picking set. Magnus sheepishly returns the box. The now somewhat dented box is easy to open for Angus, revealing what Angus would estimate to be about 900 gold pieces inside. So nothing actually useful as far as the actual job goes.

            “We did it!” Magnus cheers.

            “Way to persevere.” Merle nods.

            Taako looks between them all, a strange expression on his face. “I- we- we can’t take these. This is-”

            “Nope, totally can.” Magnus slams the lid to the box closed decisively.

            “This is a bank. No, listen-”

            “Nope, insurance will cover it.” Magnus waves off Taako’s concerns. Merle is staring Taako down.

            “He is technically right about that, sir.” Angus nods. “And, uh, since when is that a problem for you anyway?”

            “See, Ango agrees! This is a victimless time.”

            “We’re literally stopping a bank robbery.” Taako says, gesturing widely to the bank around him. He does have a point, however, out of character it might be. “Just cause you found money in a bank doesn’t mean you can take it with you! Great, what are we looting next?” Taako grabs and heaves a chair up. “Let’s take the furniture! Listen, this isn’t a dungeon; people do business here! Put that back!”

            “The government will pay it back.” Magnus says confidently.

            “The bank does have reserves elsewhere for instances like this.” Angus tacks on.

            Merle just continues staring at Taako. Angus isn’t sure when the last time he blinked was.

            Taako, for his part, continues to play up his incredulity and righteous anger. “Nobody’s gonna do anything, you’re gonna get arrested! You’ll go to jail! You wanna send a kid to jail? The captain of the militia is literally right outside! You guys can split it if you want, but I swear to the gods, first thing I do when I get outside is I rat you out.”

            “Okay, listen, what if I just take it so the Raven doesn’t get it? We can use it to negotiate with her! Or just… give it back to Captain Captain Bane once we’re outside?”

            “Only to conveniently forget about it until we’re back on the moon base?” Angus asks skeptically.

            “Yeah!” Magnus’s reply is enthusiastic.

            At that, Taako unexpectedly relaxes, back to his usual cool disposition. Though his ears do perk up happily. “That’s morally grey; I can roll with that. So, listen, you find anything actually useful, Ango?”

            At that, Angus pulls out the small, square key. “Actually, yes, sir. Imagine that.”

 

* * *

 

            Magnus is, of course, first to the set of doors on the left wall. The first door has a neatly printed label with the word “Stairs” over the doorframe. Pretty self-explanatory. The second has a panel next to it, with a button and a slot below that. Angus looks between the panel and the key he’s holding before inserting the key into the slot and turning. The button lights up in response, and Magnus immediately leans over to hit it. There’s a “bing bong” sound of acknowledgment, as Angus looks up at Magnus, unimpressed look on his face.

            The door slides open to reveal an elevator car, mostly glass with a metal ceiling holding a few lights. The elevator shaft seems to be made of glass as well, and Magnus is sure that it would offer a wonderful view of Goldcliff any other day. Today, however, it’s obscured by vines, only a few shafts of light poking through to offer peaks of the world outside.

            As they enter, quick as a flash, Angus pokes the topmost button, labeled with a V, before sticking his tongue out at Magnus. Magnus grins. And then slides one large hand over all of the buttons, causing the panel to light up like a Candlenights bush.

            “You know, I’m gonna take the stairs.” Taako says casually. It almost sounds like a joke, but Taako is eyeing the vines, ears pulled back the smallest bit.

            “What? But, sir-”

            “What? You, stairs?”

            “We’ll race!” Magnus declares.

            “Hell yeah, that’ll be fun.”

            “Race you to the second floor!” Magnus yells, now pressing down on the “close door” button.

            “Cool minigame.” They hear Taako reply before the doors close.

            “Why?” Merle asks as the elevator starts moving.

            “He said something about being ready to be on TV again someday.” Magnus shrugs, and Angus starts.

            “Really, sir?”

            “Yeah, Ango. What, didn’t you know that Taako used to be a famous traveling chef?”

            Angus scratches at his neck before pushing his glasses up his nose. “Oh, I knew. I just, I just didn’t know that he was thinking about going back.”

            There’s a ding and the door opens. And Taako is there waiting. How anticlimactic.

            “Listen, listen, guys. I think we should go to the one marked V like Ango hit. So I’m gonna hop in there with you. Make room for cha’boy.” It’d be more convincing if Taako didn’t sound slightly winded.

            “Gee, sir, are you sure you don’t want to run up more stairs and beat the elevator?” Angus asks, too innocent, and Magnus laughs.

            “Yeah, yeah, sure, Agnes.” Taako waves a hand. “So make-”

            “But what if-” Magnus starts.

            “Make room!” Taako steps onto the elevator, and Magnus holds an arm in the doorway to keep it from closing.

            “What if there’s something on all of the floors?”

            “Oh, there is. Boring. Offices.” Taako fans himself with a hand. “Not worth my time, uh, thank you.”

            “Look, look. We gotta make sure. I’ll go. I’ve got the shortest legs.” Merle says, raising a hand.

            “Because that makes sense.” Angus says. Merle rolls his eyes, clearly waiting for someone else to volunteer.

            Magnus has no intention of doing that. “Okay, fine. You check every floor. We’re gonna head up to the vault.”

            “That’s fine. That’s fine.” Taako sounds a bit more breathless than fine. Angus pokes him and he jerks himself upright.

            “Did you sprint up the stairs or something, sir?” Angus asks.

            “…No.”

            “I’ll check every floor. You guys go up in the elevator, since, you know, I’m the smallest and I’ve got the shortest legs, and it’ll take the longest time.”

            “And it’ll make the funniest noises if you fall down.” Taako says, finally with his breath back. Magnus makes a mental note to nudge Taako into more cardio.

            “And we’ve got the Stones of Farspeech for communication.” Angus says cheerily, just as Merle takes out Scuttle Buddy.

            “That’s… probably easier.” Merle admits, pocketing the bug. “Not like I wanted to use my cool item or anything.”

            “Yeah, but if you use it two more times, it breaks. Seems like a waste here.” Magnus says.

            “Maybe.” Merle sets off, Magnus reclaims his arm, and the elevator finally starts moving upward again. Even with the elevator stopping at _every single floor_ (and Magnus might be regretting that decision the smallest bit), they quickly pass Merle, who is climbing the stairs at something more of a leisurely pace than Taako.

            They’re partway between floors 11 and 12 when there’s a whining sound from the elevator, which shudders and jolts to a stop, sending them all stumbling. A moment later, the lights flicker and turn off. And finally, the vines, which thus far have lain more or less dormant and seemed like your standard, non-magical, non-moving vines, begin moving in a kind of circular pattern around the elevator shaft, almost like-

            “They’re constricting.” Angus says just as the vines tighten enough to shatter the glass of the elevator shaft. They immediately begin to close around the elevator car. There’s a metallic whine far below, and Magnus looks down to see that more vines have forced their way past the elevator door on the first floor, flowing into the elevator shaft like water. And like water flowing in, the vines are rising quickly, slithering like snakes upward.

            “Why’d it have to be vines?” Magnus spares a moment to mutter before getting Merle’s attention over his periodic exclamations as he climbs the stairs. “Merle, what floor are you on?”

            “Uh… 6?”

            “Okay, listen. You need to move as fast as possible.”

            “You said I should take the stairs, even though I’m the smallest and have the shortest legs and-”

            “Sir, there are vines climbing up the elevator now, and I bet the stairs probably aren’t exactly safe either.” A beat.

            “I’m going, I’m going.”

            Magnus turns to Taako, who is looking upward. “Magnus, uh, can you knock the panel out? Like use Phantom Fist or your hand?”

            Magnus looks upward as well. “Yeah, probably.” The panel looks pretty weak. “I’ll Phantom Fist it!” He says decisively.

            “Choice of words homie,” Taako says.

            At the same time, Angus says, “Sir, it’s just a hatch, that’s probably not-”

            Magnus punches upward, and the panel goes flying, banging around the elevator shaft.

            “-Necessary.” Angus finishes.

            “Okay, so Taako, I’ll lift you up, and-”

            “Also not necessary, my dude.” Taako pulls a coil of rope out of his bag. “Hey, Merle, do you read me?”

            “10-4, good buddy.” Merle sounds winded but not winded enough to keep from launching into some sort of nonsensical radio speech.

            “Yeah, listen, Merle, you have to get to the twelfth floor as quickly as possible. And when you get there, try to figure out a way get the doors open.” All three breathe a sigh of relief at Merle’s affirmative answer.

            “Excellent.”

            “Thank you, sir.”

            “Thankyousomuch.” Magnus says in a rush. They’ve really got to get going.

            “Okay, now that that’s settled. Agnes, wanna see a cool magic trick?” Taako asks. “Cause it’s time for Rope Trick!” He casts some kind of spell that Magnus doesn’t recognize. And the end of the rope flies upward, the coil in Taako’s hand quickly following after. Taako gives it a tug and seems satisfied when it stays.

            Angus is practically vibrating with excitement, concern over the possibility of their impending deaths forgotten for a moment. It’s almost enough to make Magnus forget it as well. “This is the one where the rope is tied off in a pocket dimension, right?” He asks.

            “Hell yeah.” Taako says, and Magnus can swear there’s a note of approval in his voice. “So let’s just-” Taako grabs the rope and starts trying to climb. And slides right off. “I’m flashing back to gym class here, gang.” He jokes. The elevator creaks ominously.

            “Okay, uh. Running out of time. Ango. You hold onto me. We’ve gotta move, and there’s not a lot of time before strength checks turn into strength saves.” Angus climbs onto Magnus, who climbs onto the rope. The elevator groans more loudly, and, quicker than he can think, Magnus takes a hand off the rope to seize Taako’s. A moment later and the elevator car is falling around them, Taako passing through the hatch easily while the car drops into the still writhing, still rising mass of vines below. This is not an optimal situation for Magnus.

            “Twelfth floor!” They hear Merle call. “Shit, there are vines here, too!”

            “Open the door!” Magnus yells back. He can hang onto the rope one-handed while supporting Taako and Angus for a while, but he’d certainly prefer to not be doing that sooner rather than later. “Open the elevator door!”

            There’s more metallic whining as Merle uses what sounds like a crow bar to pry the door open. And then several important things happen in quick succession. They hear cursing over the Stone as Merle is swept up by the vines and watch as the crow bar barely misses them to fall into the vines below. And then Merle is flung out into the elevator shaft, while a loud slam indicates that the elevator doors to floor 12 have closed. There’s a yanking sensation from Taako’s hand in Magnus’s as Merle manages to grab onto Taako’s ankle.

            Magnus is able to keep his grip on both the rope and Taako’s hand, but he has an important question. “Well what the fuck am I supposed to do now?!”

 

* * *

 

            They’re really at the end of their rope on this one. Literally. Magnus has one hand clenched around the edge of Taako’s rope, tied off in that pocket dimension 60 feet up. Angus is hanging onto Magnus. Taako’s grip is more precarious, hanging onto Magnus’s other hand, and Merle is below that, hanging off of Taako’s ankle, only feet from the writhing pit of vines slowly filling up the elevator shaft. Which means they _really_ need to get moving.

            “We should get climbing.” Magnus says.

            “No shit, Maggie.” Taako replies, and Angus would bet that his ears are pulled near flat against his head. “Cha’boy would love to, but he has the world’s worst rescuer on his ankle.”

            “Well, why don’t you make someone lighter then, Taako? You know, _magically_?”

            “I would love to. If I had any spell slots!” In the pause that follows, Angus could swear he can hear the vines growing, creeping upward, wrapping around the remaining metal framework of the elevator shaft with power enough to crumple it. Let alone them.

            “Okay, no magic. Still climbing. Ango, you start.” Magnus directs.

            “Why does he start?” Merle yells.

            “Because two objects can’t occupy the same fuckin’ space at the same fuckin’ time, Merle!” Taako yells. Angus shifts his grip from Magnus to the rope.

            “Okay, Ango. You can do this.” Magnus encourages, while Angus starts scrambling upward. “It’s just like climbing a tree on the moon, Ango. You got this.”

            “Yeah, just like climbing a tree where you can fall to your death.” Taako shouts from a Magnus length below as Angus gets onto the rope  
            “…Okaaaaaay, climbing a tree on the _edge_ of the moon base.” Magnus amends. Angus gulps, not responding. “Just don’t look down.”

            “Gee, thanks for the encouragement, sirs.” Angus mutters.

            Surprisingly, it’s easier than he thought it would be, after climbing with Carey and Magnus. Angus is almost surprised that Magnus’s beloved kid stuff has practical use, managing to get around seven feet up above Magnus by the time Merle starts climbing.

            Angus’s Stone starts chirping, flashing a dark blue. That’s one of the frequencies he’d personalized.

            “What is that?” Taako yells through laughter as Merle climbs up, fingers digging into ticklish spots.

            “…My Stone of Farspeech.” Angus calls back, hoping the caller will just leave a message. The noise and light stop, and Angus breathes a sigh of relief. It starts back up again immediately, to various exclaimed expletives across the board. Though Taako’s may be because a vine snapped at him and luckily missed.

            “Geez, kid, who’s calling you?” Merle asks, now at Magnus’s ankles.

            “Uh… The Director? Both times. I think she’s going to just keep calling. What do I do, sirs?”

            “Just play it cool, Angus.” Magnus says. “Answer it, and play it cool.”

            After a bit of wiggling, Angus is able to get to his Stone without endangering his life even more than he currently is. “Uh, hello, ma’am? Did you need something?” Angus says brightly. Okay, the key to a convincing lie here is that they should all have some kernel of truth to them. Right.

            “Hello, Angus. No, I can’t say that I require anything from you… but I was concerned that I haven’t seen you in some time.” Of course. _Sure_ , sir, no one would notice him gone for _hours_ , and then they’d just assume he was in the library. And surely no one would think to actually check.

            “Oh, of course, ma’am! I’m just… hanging around.” True. Magnus groans quietly at the pun.

            “I thought for sure you’d be in the library.”

            “Oh. I just got, uh, kind of tangled up elsewhere.” True. Magnus groans more loudly at this pun. Merle none too gently nudges him in the face with his foot as he climbs off Magnus and onto the rope.

            “You’re sure you’re fine?”

            “Absolutely, ma’am, things are… looking up?” True. All three Reclaimers groan. They’re going to give him away themselves if they keep that up.

            “Yes, funnily enough, no one seems to have seen you at all since the Reclaimers left. Now why would that be?”

            “Ma’am, you sound concerned. Should I come to your office?” True.

            “Angus, I know you’re in Goldcliff with Taako, Magnus, and Merle.” The Director drops the pretenses, and Angus gets the full disappointed, gravitas-laden voice through the Stone.

            “Goldcliff? They didn’t tell me where they were going.” True. Taako had just tried to drag him along. When Angus had agreed with the Director, well, that was when the pocket spa had come out.

            “Angus, we discussed this. You agreed that you shouldn’t go on reclaiming missions or anywhere near the Relics.”

            “Ma’am-”

            “I’m not mad. I’m just disappointed.”

            “For the record, ma’am, it wasn’t my idea!” Angus says, still inching his way upward.

            “Agnes, you little traitor!” Taako yells, now trying to climb up Magnus himself. “When I get up there, we are having a long conversation about-” Taako is cut off as, whether from the distraction or just a bad strength save, he drops.

            “Sir!” Angus yells, and he hears the Director gasp over the line. Heedless of the height and the danger, Angus looks down to see Merle and then Magnus, pants now down around his ankles from Taako’s attempt to catch himself. And below that, vines. Just vines. No Taako. “Sir!” Angus yells again, more desperately.

            There’s a pop, and then Taako is back, hanging onto the rope some feet below Merle. “Peace!” Taako yells, having Blinked back into this plane.

            “You couldn’t have done that before you pulled my pants down!” Magnus shouts, indignant.

            “…No.” Taako says, starting to climb up and keeping a far better grip this time. “And, uh, can I say, Madame Director? Impressive dad line. Very, uh, very well-executed.”

            “I learned from the best.” She says, voice carrying. “Now-”

            They’ve reached floor 13. “Sorry, ma’am, this is our stop. I’ll call you back later!” Angus hurriedly hangs up the Stone.

            “Agnes, don’t be _rude_! That’s our boss!”

            “Seriously, sir?” Angus calls back to Taako as they swing back and forth, trying to give Merle enough momentum to smash through the elevator door to floor 13.

            He dents it, only enough to peek through. And worse than that, floor 13 has been completely overtaken by vines as well.

            “Listen, we have to keep climbing. Let’s go, motherfuckers! And Ango.” Magnus says from below, only having just saved himself -and his pants- from a snapping vine.

            Luckily no one falls off as they scurry up another floor’s worth of rope, though this might have something to do with Taako Blinking his way up the rope, and begin swinging again, Magnus waiting with Phantom Fist below.

            The door to floor 14 goes flying out into a vine-free office space, and they tumble out of the elevator shaft and onto the floor. It’s not as bad as jumping off a train, at least. Magnus pulls his pants back up. Merle straightens himself up, muttering about plants being rude and all murdery. Angus sits up and turns to Taako. “So, sir, I think the stairs aren’t sounding so bad after all.”

 

* * *

 

            The door to the twentieth floor opens onto a dome-shaped room just under the giant golden statue. Angus thinks that the Director would approve of that. Speaking of the Director, he’s probably in _a lot_ of trouble over this. Though it’s technically Taako’s fault.

            To the side, there’s a hole in the wall leading to the vault that is ordinarily blocked off by a massive iron door that’s been ripped off its hinges by hundreds of enormous vines and thrown to the side, seemingly as easily as Magnus would rip off a robot’s arms. The contents of the vault are now scattered everywhere, lockboxes and papers and bits of gold. In the middle of it all stands a woman, a half-elf judging by her ears. That’s the most of her face that Angus can actually see, as she’s wearing an eerily lifelike raven mask. She’s also wearing black leather armor and, incongruously, a brown reed belt. There can be no mistaking who this is.

            “Guys. We’re looking for someone named the Raven. And she’s got a raven mask. So what I’m saying is… maybe she’s a fan?” Taako says through a laugh. Maybe there can be mistaking who this is.

            “Hey, remember what happened to Gundren?” Magnus speaks, surprisingly quietly for Magnus. Still pretty loud relative to normal humans. “When he put on the gauntlet and went a little batshit cuckoo? That’s probably happening here, so we can try to talk to her, but-”

            “The four of you shouldn’t be here.” The Raven says suddenly, watching them. She sounds… normal enough, not like Gundren Rockseeker just before everything had been engulfed in flames.

            “Heyyyy. Hey!” Magnus waves.

            “Hail and well met.” Taako greets her back. She takes no notice of the greeting.

            “The four of you shouldn’t be here. Especially not you.” She points, directly at Angus. Taako and Magnus each step inward, towards Angus, seemingly without conscious thought. Merle shifts his weight.

            “Oh, um, we didn’t see any signs or anything?” Magnus tries to keep the situation calm, laughing. “The door was open…”

            “So we just came in!” Merle grins widely, arms thrown just as wide, as if to mimic the supposedly open door.

            “It wasn’t.” She says shortly, ignoring Magnus’s feigned confusion. “The- the door was covered by vines. It’s not- it’s not safe for the four of you here!”

            “Did you guys see any vines? I didn’t. Nope, didn’t see any vines.”

            “No vines!” Taako nods vehemently, hat flopping.

            “Hm, no. Didn’t see any. Just walked right in.” Merle says.

            “There definitely weren’t vines blocking the door when we walked in.” Angus tacks on.

            “We walked up; the door was just open.” Magnus reiterates. The Raven looks between all of them, and what Angus can see of her face is grave.

            “I’ll try; I can make the vines pull back and give you an exit from the building. But you have to go right now.”

            “But we were gonna refinance!” Taako objects.

            “Yeah, we need to or we’ll lose the farm.” Magnus has turned on the puppy dog eyes.

            “How can you say no to that face?” Merle points at Angus, who, unlike Magnus, is not attempting any sort of pleading expression.

            “Great job selling the lie, sirs, really excellent charisma roll.” Angus mutters, but the Raven does seem at least somewhat convinced.

            “When I’m done here, there won’t be anything left for them to give out. Your money is lost, but you can still escape with your lives. Go! Just go!” She gestures at the door behind them. And twenty flights of stairs through a vine-infested building does sound more appealing than trying to fight someone wielding a Relic, considering just how badly it went last time.

            “Look, we get it, you don’t like the bank, you just want to steal money… but you’ve left a lot on the ground, so is there… some other article you’re interested in?” Angus sees Magnus’s eyes flash to the belt.

            “I have no need for money, for I have become unto a god.” She seems almost amused by the idea.

            Angus sees Taako’s mouth and the Umbra Staff move, as he quietly attempts to cast Sleep. Angus can’t say he’s surprised when it fails; the Gaia Sash no doubt has considerably more power behind it than Taako can put into a sleep spell right now.

            The Raven’s amusement is gone, and a thorny whip materializes in her hand. “I gave you the opportunity to leave, but-”

            “Raven, please. We’ve seen this happen before, with something like that article-” Magnus is pointing to the belt, “-in the hands of someone else and-”

            “There’s nothing like this belt in the world.”

            “Well, there was. There was a gauntlet that leveled a whole city.” Magnus replies. “And thousands of people died because the person who had it didn’t listen to us. Because we failed.”

            “He’s right. There are seven things, ma’am, and they’re all capable of catastrophic destruction.” Angus tells himself that the waver in his voice is intentional, just another tactic to sway a dangerous person.

            “Well, technically five now.” Taako mutters.

            “They can’t be controlled, ma’am. Please. Please stop this.” Angus continues, ignoring Taako’s interruption.

            “I can control it. I’m not worried.” And she doesn’t sound it, either. She sounds very calm and very much deep in the thrall of the Gaia Sash. Which is worrying, to say the least.

            “No, it’s controlling you. Look at yourself, there are thousands of vines everywhere.” Magnus has started pleading. That’s almost more worrying.

            “I’m not going to give up this belt. A part of me wishes I could but… there is literally no way that I can give up this belt. And when I’m done here, I’m going to level this building to the ground. The four of you don’t want to be here when that happens. Leave. Now.”

            “I understand. What’s that over there?!” Magnus yells, pointing wildly. And then he charges the Raven.

            “Wow, good. This is exactly how I was hoping this would play out.” Taako says, sounding tired, and it’s with a jolt that Angus remembers the damage Taako took from Trent the Treant not so long ago. But Magnus is rushing in.

            Magnus is fast. The Raven is faster. Angus is fastest, whipping out one of his Fantasy Costco smoke bombs and deploying it just as the Raven holds up a hand, using the instant it gives him to get out of the way, stopping over by the circular window that’s still mostly obscured by vines. He’s in time to see Thunderwave hit all three and throw them backward like ragdolls into the wall. Magnus and Merle slowly pick themselves up. Taako doesn’t.

            “Sir!” Angus yells, the fear concentrated in his stomach unfurling to spread throughout, just as the Raven pulls back with her thorn whip before it snakes through the air straight at Merle. It lashes him across the chest, sending him straight back into the wall again. He slides to the floor. He too does not move. Angus feels panic rising in his chest. This isn’t how this is supposed to go. This can’t happen. It can’t.

            Before Angus can process the fact that now two of his party members are unconscious before the Raven has even looked in his direction, the thorn whip whirls from Merle straight to Magnus. Angus isn’t sure he’s breathing as the whip strikes. Magnus staggers but remains standing.

            Magnus seems to shake off the impact as best as he can before charging the Raven. Before he’s able to make contact with Railsplitter, she claps her hands, summoning a gust of wind that sends Magnus off kilter. He recovers, bringing the axe down again and connecting. Even at this distance, Angus can see strangely glowing green blood through the cut Magnus has made through her armor. The Raven seems surprised by this, looking down, head tilted in a manner that’s almost birdlike.

            Magnus rears back, Railsplitter in hand. It’s a fakeout. Angus has seen him perform similar maneuvers before; he did something similar in the practice fight that now seems so long ago rather than just this morning. Magnus grabs the belt.

            The Raven’s eyes glow a vibrant bright blue. And Magnus is thrown backward by a tremendous electric shock to where Taako and Merle lie.

            Angus’s hands are shaking as he pulls out his wand. He knows exactly how much good it will do him, and that isn’t much at all.

            The Raven holds up her thundery hand. Angus starts to prepare to cast Ray of Frost, praying to any gods that are listening that for once he doesn’t miss.

            There’s the sound of breaking glass. Angus dives out of the way. A Halfling woman in a gi swings into the room, landing in a roll. Angus catches a flash of silver, a badge signaling that the woman is a member of the Goldcliff militia. She moves rapidly, quickly getting between Angus and his friends and the Raven, and in a fighting stance.

            “Sloane!” She yells, forcing the Raven to look at her. “Sloane, you’re not a killer!”

            Given the state of half of the party, Angus might be inclined to disagree. There are some sounds of protest from Magnus as well.

            The Raven, for her part, doesn’t say anything. She just looks at the Halfling woman for a moment, hesitating, before starting to spin, rapidly, a grey cloud erupting around her. The grey cloud zips out the now shattered window, and the room is quiet.

            “Woo. Another successful battle, gentlemen!” Magnus cheers feebly from his spot on the floor. After a moment, Angus finds himself scrambling over to the three adventurers. Taako and Merle aren’t dead, thankfully, nothing so permanent as that. Just unconscious. And probably very hard to move, given that Angus is small, Magnus is injured, and the Halfling woman is unlikely to be able to carry three people.

            The Halfling woman has come over to join them as well. “Can you walk?” She asks Magnus, who gives the most half-hearted thumb’s up that Angus has ever seen from him. She surveys the other two and slaps her hands together, starting to rub them. It’s then, as she lays her hands on the unconscious Taako and Merle, that it sets in that the woman is a monk.

            As the two rouse, Angus mutters a quiet, “Thank you, ma’am.”

            She looks at him. “Don’t sweat it, kid. They’re going to be fine.”

            “Don’t; I wanna go back!” Merle wakes up complaining.

            “Yes, ma’am, I think you’re right.” Angus replies. His Stone of Farspeech starts signaling a call from the Director again. Strictly speaking, the day could have gone worse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there!
> 
> So..... PTTM is going to be three chapters! I really didn't want to pull a 15k+ chapter to try to get as far as I had originally planned, which is why this chapter doesn't go super far into the arc. Next bit should be up hopefully August 24.
> 
> If you want to get a hold of me before then, easiest way is probably [charmandhex](https://charmandhex.tumblr.com). I will also likely scream if you leave a message in my inbox (or a comment here, it's easy to make me happy).


	8. Angus McDonald, Team Mascot Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They couldn’t stop the Raven from stealing everything and kicking their asses, so it’s time for Merle, Magnus, Taako and Angus to steal everything and kick ass themselves.
> 
> Angus is keeping secrets. Merle frees a friend. Enemy? Frenemy? Taako goes multidimensional again. Magnus gains yet another proficiency.

            “So you guys look like shit,” is how Captain Captain Bane greets them in the militia tent, and, looking around, if he’s being entirely honest, Angus can’t bring himself to disagree. Taako and Merle were both knocked unconscious, and Magnus wasn’t far behind. If the Halfling woman hadn’t come in and managed to get the Raven -Sloane, she’d called her Sloane- to stop, Angus would- well, Sloane hadn’t _seemed_ like she wanted to attack Angus. But then Angus would have been alone, again, because he couldn’t do anything to help. That’s almost worse. “Um. Dirt.” Captain Captain Bane amends with a glance at Angus.

            “We got attacked by weeds. She’s very, very strong.” Magnus admits from where he’s still sitting down.

            “Listen, uh, that was pretty scary. Like, you know, honestly, she’s really scary.” Taako says, sprawled out on a cot.

            “I need for you to tell me exactly what happened. Did she attack on sight?”

            “Ehhhhhhh.” Merle manages to give a half shrug while face down into a cot.

            “Well, no.” Magnus continues with the truth, though it looks like these particular facts are leaving a bad taste in his mouth. “There might have been talk of some smiting and farm refinancing.”

            “She tried to get us to leave, first.” Angus says. “It didn’t seem like… it didn’t seem like she wanted to attack.”

            “Despite being _very_ good at it.” Merle adds on, rolling over.

            “So maybe she made the first move, maybe _we_ made the first move.” Magnus shrugs.

            “Maybe _you_ made the first move, sir.” Angus mumbles, a little more… anger in the comment than he expected. But no one else seems to notice, at least.

            “So she didn’t just attack you as soon as she saw you?” Captain Captain Bane seems incredulous.

            “No, like Ango said, told us to go. Even said she’d clear a path out.” Magnus says.

            “Yeah, she seemed like, like concerned about our safety.” Taako makes an extremely undignified scramble to sit up. But it doesn’t seem to cause him any pain, at least. Angus looks at his feet.

            “Right up until she knocked two of you out in one turn.” Angus mumbles.

            “Yeah, overall though, a lot of threatening behavior going on. Scary vines, for a couple of reasons, and maybe someone’s pants got pulled down.”

            “Yeah, but Taako did that.” Merle points out.

            “Oh, yeah!”

            “Not my fault you have a shitty belt, my dude.”

            Captain Captain Bane has been silent since his last question. “Can I have the tent?” He asks of the remaining militia members, who quickly acquiesce and depart. Captain Captain Bane’s demeanor manages to become even more serious as he surveys them now that they’re alone. Granted, it’d be really easy to eavesdrop, since it’s, you know, a tent, but nobody listening in should be able to understand what they’re about to discuss.

            He sits down heavily onto one of the cots, cot creaking loudly in protest. “This is… unprecedented.” He admits, looking between all of them. “That she would be… that she wouldn’t just attack on sight for any perceived threat to the Relic. I’ve never… I know I’ve never considered the possibility that a Relic might end up in the hands of a good-” He pauses, rephrases, “-a good-natured person.”

            “Well, she is good at nature right now.” Merle comments.

            “Yes, but this is serious. You, you’ve seen the Relics, you know what their thrall is like-” Angus can’t help the shudder that runs through him at the memory of the insidious voice of the Phoenix Fire Gauntlet in his head, nigh irresistible in its temptation “-the absolute power of these items corrupts absolutely. Those in possession of the Relics lose control. But the Raven, she-” He still seems to be having trouble believing it, “-the fact that she didn’t immediately go to kill you-”

            “She’s fighting to control the thrall.” Angus says, and he can feel four pairs of eyes go to him even as he continues staring determinedly at the floor. “Or trying to.” He hadn’t been able to do that. Just like he hadn’t been able to do anything twenty floors up in Goldcliff Trust.

            “Yeah, it was weird.” Taako agrees. “Like she was consciously in the thrall? She was aware of it?”

            “Has there ever been anyone before that you know of, who got their hands on a Relic and just… weren’t corrupted?” Magnus asks. Angus opens his mouth to answer; he’s read enough of the Director’s notes to know this.

            “No.” Captain Captain Bane also knows the answer. “As far as I know, from all of the information we have available, every time someone got their hands on a Relic, regardless of intention, they were corrupted. They lost control.”

            “It’s possible she’s still early in the corruption process.” Angus says.

            “I mean, listen, I resisted the thrall of the gauntlet and the monocle, so-”

            “Are you actually telling me that you equipped a Relic?” That, more than anything said so far, seems to shock Captain Captain Bane.

            “…No.” Taako says, telling the truth.

            “Oh, he definitely did _not_ do something that stupid.” Merle adds.

            “Yeah, don’t be stupid; I put it in the bag with my snacks!”

            “Well, that’s different then.” Captain Captain Bane replies. “If you equip the Relic, you’re done. You lose. Game over. End of story. Corruption and power-drunkenness.”

            “But Sloane wasn’t like that yet.” Taako says, quiet enough that it’s almost to himself.

            “Sloane?”

            “Oh, uh, your… detective? Militia person? Halfling monk woman? Anyway, she called the Raven by name.” Magnus explains. Angus finally looks up, pushing his glasses up his nose.

            Captain Captain Bane doesn’t look surprised at this revelation, instead nodding. “I’ve suspected for a long time that she -Lieutenant Hurley, that’s her name- has some sort of involvement with the Raven-” Taako snorts. Angus wonders why. “-but, uh, I haven’t been able to actually bring it up with her, what with the HR implications-”

            “Have you tried asking Brad?” Magnus offers.

            “Yeah, listen, he needs something to do… that doesn’t involve us.” Taako agrees.

            “Brad, Brad works for the BoB. Here in Goldcliff, we’ve got our own way of doing things.” Before he can really stop himself, Angus lets out a small snort of derision. Four pairs of eyes jump to him again.

            “So, uh, where’s she’s at, anyway?” Taako drawls, and Captain Captain Bane at least looks away. Angus isn’t sure how well the others have done on their insight check in comparison.

            “Oh, uh, probably right outside this tent. That would be convenient at least.”

            Sure enough, Lieutenant Hurley is right outside, helping to revitalize some of her coworkers. Angus briefly flashes back to not so long ago when she’d done just the same thing at the top of Goldcliff Trust.

            “Uh, ma’am? Lieutenant Hurley? Could you step over here?” Taako calls, and Lieutenant Hurley looks up, momentarily wary. Angus quickly looks around to see if anyone else is looking in their direction, or specifically in his. But it’s just Lieutenant Hurley. When she sees who it is who’s called her over, though, she relaxes and, after saying goodbye to her coworkers, like a normal person and not the Reclaimers, she walks over. Angus makes sure he’s not easy for anyone else to spot, hiding behind Magnus’s bulk and Taako’s hat.

            “Glad to see that you’re all doing better. She really did a number on you.” Lieutenant Hurley greets them, then hesitates. “So, uh, speaking of that, did she, uh, did she say anything before I had to come in and save your butts all deus ex machina style?”

            “Well, she seemed awfully concerned about us for someone caught up in the-” Taako starts, and Angus can see when the voidfish’s powers take over, when Lieutenant Hurley starts hearing static at the confusion on her face, “-thrall of a magic belt.”

            “Uh, sorry, can you repeat that? You kind of… broke up there. Is that a normal thing for you guys?” Hurley takes a step back, a little nervous now. Angus double checks that he’s still not visible from the street, or by any of the other militia members. He isn’t, but Angus still pushes his glasses up his nose nervously.

            “He, uh, has a stutter, that’s all,” Merle says.

            “That wasn’t like any stutter I’ve ever heard.”

            “Oh, uh… I am… part robot? And my speech… thingy wound down?” Taako offers. Lieutenant Hurley looks at him, disbelieving.

            “Anyway, she seemed awfully concerned for our well-being for someone who seemed so angry.” Angus attempts to redirect the conversation away from all things voidfished.

            “Yeah, like Agnes said. Weird.” Taako comments.

            “No, I don’t think… I don’t think that’s weird at all.” Lieutenant Hurley looks crest-fallen though.

            “So, Hurley, what do you _actually_ know about the Raven?” Taako asks. “Like, listen, _actually._ ” He emphasizes the word again. It seems to fluster Lieutenant Hurley.

            “I- I- I mean, I’ve _investigated_ her.” Hurley says with an awkward laugh. Taako snorts again, just like he did earlier talking to Captain Captain Bane about Lieutenant Hurley and Sloane. “I’ve tried to bust her, definitely tried to bust her! Like, you know, when I just see, see a perp, I just think, ‘I gotta bust her!’”

            It’s readily apparent to all of them that Hurley is lying, and poorly at that.

            Just as it’s readily apparent to Angus which clerical specialty is imminent.

            “Lieutenant Hurley, you knew her real name.” Magnus points out.

            “I-” Lieutenant Hurley looks between the four of them quickly. “Oh, hey, look, there’s a perp over there, I should-”

            “Listen, listen, wait just a second.” Taako gets Lieutenant Hurley’s attention on him long enough for her to miss Merle flipping open the Extreme Teen Bible. Angus feels a familiar magical sensation in the back of his mind. Unlike his usual interactions with the spell, the fuzzy feeling doesn’t dissipate. Angus blinks a couple of times rapidly and sees Taako, Magnus, and Lieutenant Hurley do the same. This is going to be an _interesting_ conversation.

            “So, where’s the Raven?” Magnus prompts, seemingly having concluded that he can avoid being compelled to tell the truth if he’s throwing out questions as quickly as he can instead.

            “I don’t know where she is. I wish I knew.” Hurley says, truthfully.           

            “And what is your relationship with her?” Merle continues.

            “We were partners; we were-” Hurley pauses, seems to realize what she said almost without thinking. “Hey, what just happened? What’s going on? I- I feel dizzy.”

            “It’s my cologne; don’t worry about it.” Merle soothes, making full use of his unimpeded ability to lie.

            “Well, uh, I wasn’t, wasn’t lying when I said I _was_ investigating her, and I did try to apprehend her for a while. But then we became, kind of, really close, and she- I- we-”

            Magnus gently places a hand on her shoulder and for once looks like he’s thinking through what he’s going to say before he says it. “Lieutenant Hurley, we, uh, reacted rashly when we met the Raven in the vault. In the future, the next time we meet, her, we really do honestly want to help her. She’s in danger, and you know that, so we need for you to tell us everything you know about her, so we are able to get her to let us help her the next time we meet.”

            “What do you want with her?’ Hurley still sounds wary, which, Angus can’t blame her, considering that she doesn’t know that everyone but Merle is forced to tell the truth right now.

            “Ma’am, I promise, we’re really trying to help her. We don’t want anything bad to happen to her.” Angus says.

            “We’re good people, and we’re trying to help. That’s all we can say.” Magnus adds.

            “Plus, I have a huge inheritance for her.” Merle declares, grinning widely.

            Taako gives Merle a look that distinctly says _you know we can’t back you up, right?_ “Yeah, you heard the words he said, right? He definitely said that.”

            “That’s a thing he said!” Magnus nods, grimacing the smallest bit.

            At a look from Merle, Angus jumps in. “Yes, ma’am, that was definitely… a statement. That you heard.”

            “You’re hearing it! He’s saying it!” Taako throws his hands up in the air, shrugging.

            Merle seemingly concludes that’s all the help he’s going to get. “Huge inheritance! Six figures!”

            Hurley, for her part, ignores Merle’s not-so-well-veiled attempt at persuasion. “Listen. I wanna help her too. I think I’ve got a way to do just that, too… but I’m gonna need y’all’s help to make it happen.”

            “Okay.” Magnus says, rushing in as expected.

            “We’ll do our best, ma’am.”

            “Wow, Ango, I’m surprised you could say that one.” Taako laughs. “But, uh, we’re in?”

            Hurley glances to the sides, noting Captain Captain Bane a bit away. “Come with me.”

 

* * *

 

            Goldcliff seems nice enough. At least, it seems nice enough from what Magnus can glean on their walk, which isn’t much, as Hurley is practically racing through the city. The only one even coming close to her speed is Angus, who is also refusing to look at the city around him and focused solely on the goal ahead. Though he also looks eager to not be spotted. Meanwhile, Taako doesn’t seem inclined to nearly run through the city, while Merle is waddling quickly, but not remarkably so.

            As for Magnus, he wants tchotchkes.

            Look, it wasn’t as though he really prioritized picking up a souvenir in Phandalin before they left for Wave Echo Cave, and then after… There’d been no time in Rockport, given that they barely made the train. And it probably wouldn’t have been particularly smart to walk around Neverwinter with a Grand Relic and who knows what else in Taako’s bag. So Magnus is determined this time.

            He nearly loses Hurley multiple times, getting distracted by vendors along the street with their Goldcliff snowglobes and Goldcliff mugs and Goldcliff magnets. But he’s always able to find them, usually by Taako’s hat soaring over most beings’ heads.

            Magnus finally spots a fun magnet, one of those city skyline ones. Then he spots the price tag. He amends his assessment: an absurdly overpriced fun magnet.

            At least, overpriced if you pay for it. Magnus reaches out and deftly snatches the magnet. Just as the shopkeeper turns.

            “Hey, you, give that back!” They yell.

            “Uh, sorry, gotta go!” Magnus grins winningly, trying to rustic hospitality his way out of this but ready to run.

            “Give that back! Criminal! Thief! Thief! Stop him!”

            The shopkeeper has gotten Hurley’s attention now. “What are you doing? I’m in the militia, remember? You can’t just steal stuff in front of me.”

            “But we didn’t…”

            “Sir, please. Give up your thieving ways.” Angus says, the corners of his mouth twitching upward. His eyes are sweeping from side to side though, as though looking for something.

            Magnus sighs, places the overpriced and gaudy trinket back, immediately mollifying the shopkeeper. “All is forgiven!” They say grandly. “Go along your merry way, but remember this kindness and pay it forward! And don’t go murdering everyone who gets in your way!”

            “Sure, we won’t.” Magnus mutters. Walking away though, almost speed-walking to keep up with Hurley, when he glances back at the stall, he could swear that the spot where he’d left the magnet is empty again.

            As they continue onward, Goldcliff visibly changes. The fancy storefronts, booming businesses, and well-kept streets of the business district give way to a seedier side, the part of Goldcliff that isn’t exactly advertised on outrageously priced souvenirs. There’s fewer people out and about, and those who are outside are moving just as quickly as Hurley. Magnus is surprised to see that Angus looks more comfortable here than he did outside the bank.

            Hurley stops outside a small garage. After unlocking it, she lifts the door, beckoning them inside. It is, of course, entirely dark. And Taako and Merle aren’t saying anything. There’s the distinctive click of a switch being flipped -magic electricity no doubt- and the space lights up.

            As expected it’s a garage. It’s much nicer than you might expect from the outside, though, really, that could describe Magnus himself as well. It’s also a bit messy, like if you made a scale from Angus’s suitcase to Pringles’s bunk, it’s somewhere above the Director’s office. Parts are scattered throughout, no doubt coming from the three battlewagons that fill the space, completely stripped of useful parts, though various weapons remain affixed. Magnus can put names to a few of them, vehicle proficiency finally coming in handy. There’s also the form of another massive battlewagon, hidden under a gargantuan brown tarp.

            Hurley stops in the middle of the room and turns to face them. She’s got a small proud smile on her face. “So, I assume you are all familiar with the battlewagon racing that takes place outside the city?”

            “Oh, yeah, big fans.” Magnus says.

            “Technically illegal, but the wealthy like it, and so there are higher penalties for being caught racing than placing exorbitant bets on it?” Magnus blinks and looks at Angus. His face is mostly expressionless, but there’s still something off. “I- we’re familiar with it, ma’am.”

            Hurley seems surprised as well. “Y-yes. Well, the Raven and I -I’m just gonna call her Sloane, okay, because calling her the Raven is… weird- Sloane and I were racing partners.” Hurley crosses over to a cabinet on the side and upends a box. Several raven masks, identical to the one Sloane was wearing at the Goldcliff Trust, spill out. Magnus immediately puts one on.

            “Please, please don’t. That’s just weird.” Hurley says while Magnus attempts to make bird noises. “Really, really uncomfortable for me.” Hurley continues while Merle nudges Magnus. He acquiesces, taking the raven mask off. “Thanks. Don’t do that anymore.” Hurley doesn’t notice a glowing mage hand moving a mask away from Taako behind her. Taako, for his part, doesn’t seem annoyed by it. Another mage hand ruffles Angus’s hair in approval.

            “Let me explain from the beginning.” Hurley takes a breath. “Sloane and I- I was in charge of apprehending Sloane. I just knew her as a small time criminal. I didn’t know that she was a battlewagon racer as well. Everyone in Goldcliff knows battlewagon racing. So, as Angus said-”

            “Wait, how do you know Agnes’s name?” Taako asks. “Listen, uh, we’re just bad at introducing ourselves. And ending conversations. Sorta, sorta how we do.”

            “Angus told me everyone’s names while you two, Taako and Merle, were unconscious.” She points at both of them in turn. Magnus starts to open his mouth. “Magnus, you were there and awake when Angus told me.” Magnus shuts his mouth.

            “Battlewagon racing is the favorite sport of the rich and famous around here. It’s also illegal. Races take place on the outskirts of town, and yeah, if you’ve got money, there’s a lot of betting. It can even turn violent and brutal, but people turn a blind eye because those with the power to do anything about it won’t. So, I discovered that Sloane was -is- a battlewagon racer, and I was seduced… by racing. So the two of us started to work together.” Hurley upends a second box, and ram masks tumble out.

            Magnus starts to reach for one, trying to go unnoticed. “Nope!” Hurley says quickly, and, just as quickly, the masks are back in the box, out of sight and out of reach.

            “She goes by the Raven, as you know, and I’m the Ram. Since, uh, since it is illegal, it’s customary for racers to wear masks, so spectators don’t know who you are.”

            “And you’ve been racing as a militia lieutenant?” Angus asks. “Even though it’s illegal?”

            “Well, uh, yes. But it’s very exciting and I’m super good at it!”

            “I’m not really judging, ma’am.”

            “We also run clean and never hurt anyone. We just went _really fast_.” Hurley pauses, starts to look sad again, as she did when she was first explaining her connection with the Raven. Sloane. “Or, we did.”

            “When did things start to break bad?” Taako asks, voice surprisingly gentle. Magnus usually only hears that on infrequent occasions with Angus.

            “About, about a month ago. I can’t explain it. She just, one day she just started to develop these godlike nature powers.” They all collectively ignore Merle’s grumbling about Pan and godlike powers. “I mean, that was fine, and cool, but then she started to change. She became distant and violent, especially out on the track. There was a race… She took out another battlewagon, and two people died. We stopped racing together after that.”

            “And you feel responsible.” Angus says quietly. Magnus sees Taako glance at Angus, ears twitching.

            “Yeah. Yeah, I do.”

            “And she was using these weird, supernatural abilities?”

            “Well, yeah. You saw the vines at the bank. But also during the races. She was controlling storms, splitting the earth in two. I mean, it was pretty dope, but, with people getting hurt, I couldn’t race with her anymore.”

            “Did she mention going on any adventures or meeting anyone around the time she started changing?” Magnus asks, now trying to work out just how a smalltime criminal and battlewagon racer had gotten her hands on a Grand Relic.

            “No, uh, when she started developing this power, that was around the same time she stopped telling me much of anything.”

            “Did you happen to notice her wearing a really cool belt?” Merle tries.

            “Huh?” Hurley looks confused. “Don’t tell me you’re part robot too.”

            “What about any cool accessories?”

            “Why do you want to know?”

            “We’re just trying to stay abreast of the latest trends in battlewagon racing gear.”

            “Aside from the powers and the change in behavior… was there anything you noticed that was different about her?” Angus tries. “Anything at all might be relevant, unusual injuries or a change in style perhaps, after a particular event or race or something.”

            “N-no. Not that I saw.” Okay. They’re clearly not going to figure out _how_ Sloane got the Gaia Sash. But that’s not really needed. They just need to figure out how to get it _back_. Luckily, as predicted, they’ve found a competent woman. “Listen, I think I have a way for us to stop her. But I _refuse_ to harm her. She’s not at fault here; she’s just -she’s lost control.” Hurley waits to get everyone’s assent, which they give. Magnus thinks it’s for the best that they’re far, far away from where Merle cast Zone of Truth, even though the spell should have long since dissipated. “So, she’s not gonna be able to give up her powers willingly. I know that. But she’s also scared. Terrified. The last time, the last time we talked, when she was lucid, she talked about how afraid she was of these powers that she can’t control, and that maybe, maybe if something could show her that it was greater than the powers, she’d be able to give them up. If she could be shown that the power she’s wielding isn’t absolute, she might be able to give it up.”

            At that, Magnus laughs. “If you want people more powerful than her, I don’t know why you’re talking to us. She nearly took us out in one attack.”

            “Not my fault; the stupid baby tree hit me first.” Taako says.

            “She didn’t attack me at all.” Angus says, quietly, and no, once Angus had gotten out of the way, she hadn’t even turned in his direction. Magnus doesn’t want to think about what might have happened had Sloane knocked him out along with Taako and Merle and what Angus would have been left with.

            This seems to assure Hurley more than anything else. “So, when you tell me things like that, it makes me believe I’m right even more. That Sloane is still in there, and that we can still get her to give the powers up. If we can beat her. But not through fighting, though.”

            “What about hugging?” Magnus asks. “I have proficiency in hugging. Probably.”

            “Well, she’s got those vines, so she could probably hug really good with them. That’s not the point though.” Hurley now walks over to the covered battlewagon. “The point is, there is one thing I think I can beat her at.”

            She pulls the tarp off to reveal a dark gray battlewagon with shining thick silver armor. The back has at least six exhaust pipes from what Magnus can see. The front of the battlewagon also has two shiny silver spirals, ram’s horns for the Ram. The hood of the battlewagon is up, revealing some sort of black engine machinery in the front.

            “Shotgun!” Magnus yells immediately. “You all heard it; I get shotgun!”

            “That’s a bitchin’ ride.” Merle compliments.

            “Yeah, I’ve put together a vehicle I know I can beat her in, from parts I had and parts from battlewagons I’ve won in other races.”

            “Is it ready?” Angus asks, eyes locked onto the exposed engine.

            “Well, that’s the part I need you all for. Or the first part. There’s one more piece I need. But it’s going to require a bit of law-breaking to do it.”

            At that Magnus grins widely. “You’ve come to the right adventurers.”

 

* * *

 

            Several hours and half-formed plans later (most of which were shot down by Hurley or Angus), Merle is standing around the corner from the Hammerheads’ headquarters. Magnus has been trying to say that phrase five times fast without messing up for a few minutes now. Taako is twirling the Umbra Staff. And Angus is… here. Merle had objected. Hurley had objected. Angus is here anyway.

            If he’s being honest, Merle’s pretty resigned to that fact at this point.

            The Hammerhead headquarters isn’t exactly cheery, with whatever’s inside hidden behind a twelve foot wall of scrap metal, complete with barbed wire. Not even a nat 20 acrobatics check would get them over that unharmed probably. Which means they’re going to have to go through the imposing gate in the middle. Which doesn’t exactly sound easy either, when you account for the two ruffians standing right next to it, holding clubs bigger than Angus’s leg and chatting, while a third is sitting in a windowed booth facing out onto the street. Not to mention the fact that Hurley’s put a moratorium on murder.

            So it’s great that Merle’s up first to try to persuade these guys to either leave or let them in. Merle pulls out the Extreme Teen Bible and puts on a winning smile. At least in theory. “Hello, friends!” He greets them as he walks out and over.

            “Hey, uh, hold it right there, buddy! Don’t come any closer! We’re doing important business over here!” The first of the two ruffians outside the booth says.

            “Yeah, we’re doin’ important business!” The second one chimes in.

            Merle stops but doesn’t retreat. “You know, those are some pretty impressive clubs.” They each look at their clubs then back at Merle. He might be lying a little. “But let me tell you about my impressive club, the club of Pan. It’s-”

            “What is that, some kind of bread club?” The first ruffian asks, and Merle can hear laughter from his Stone of Farspeech. “Some kinda Fantasy Nature Box thing where you get bread every month?”

            “No, no. I don’t do commercial breaks. It’s like a beautiful, wonderful place where you go when you die. Do either of you know where you’re going when you die?”

            They look between each other and then back at Merle. It’s plain they’ve never contemplated their own mortality before.

            “I’ll never die! I’m too strong!” The first ruffian declares.

            “Yeah, he’s too strong!” The second one says, nodding vigorously. Merle’s starting to regret their habit of never asking anyone’s names.

            “Hey, uh, _bud_ , why don’t you scram?” Ruffian #3 finally speaks up from his place in the booth, looking down from his… Caleb Cleveland novel? Surely Merle is seeing things. “You seem nice enough, and we don’ wanna hurt you, but we got business to do.”

            “I got business here too though.” Merle says, playing up the act. “The business of saving your souls.” Merle persists through the chorus of refusals that respond. “You really think so? You never know what’s coming down the road. Someone could poison you or rob you. Someone could run a train right through this building! And then where would you be? Under the train.”

            “But there’s no train tracks ‘round here.” Ruffian #2 points out.

            “That’s what makes it so… devious!” The laughter from the Stone of Farspeech is getting distractingly loud in his ear, but he has no idea how to turn the volume down.

            “I’ve heard a pitch like this before. Join our cult before God destroys you with a train.” Ruffian #1 sounds unimpressed.

            “No, no. But it’s a wicked world out there, full of bad, bad people. Just when you think you’re the biggest and baddest one out there, someone worse pops up! People who rip robots’ arms off! People who sneak annoying kids along on adventures! People who try to kill you with a train! Are you catching my drift, boyo?”

            “I think the drift I’m getting is… you’re gonna try ‘n kill us with a train or something. I gotta tell ya, I’m startin’ to pick up what you’re puttin’ down, and I’m not really likin’ the smell of your jib.” Ruffian #1 says, taking a step forward.

            “Did he not wash his jib again?” Merle hears Magnus mutter over the Stone.

            “When does he ever?” Taako retorts.

            “Please be careful, sir!” Angus says quietly.

            Time for a little theatrical flair. Merle flips open the Extreme Teen Bible, quickly using Thaumaturgy to produce a loud train whistle out of nowhere.

            “He’s not kidding! This guy’s got some sort of train powers!” Ruffian #1 yells. “All this to convert us to your bread religion?” Merle uses Thaumaturgy again, the train signal louder and seemingly closer. Ruffian #2 yelps before scampering off. “Wait, Jerry, Little Jerry! Urgh, he’s really afraid of trains, and now you’ve gone ‘n spooked him. Why don’t you get outta here, bud, you’re startin’ to pester us.”

            “Wait, I thought you were Jerry?” Merle asks.

            “No, I’m Jerreeeeee. Six Es, thank you very much. You gonna leave or what?”

            “Oh, hey, uh, he forgot his wallet. Guess, uh, I guess I should go give it to him! Hey, Jerry!” Merle calls as he runs off. Well, at least he got one of them to leave.

            By the time Merle has made it back to where Taako is waiting, Magnus, along with Angus, are talking to Jerreeeeee, trying to convince him that they want to join the Hammerheads. There’s a small catch.

            “Are the dues a recurring fee, sir? Do we need to pay up front?”

            “Look, kid, I already told ya: stop callin’ me sir. That’s… that’s a little weird. But, uh, nope, not a subscription service. Just a small onetime fee of ten thousand, up front. Well, twenty thousand, seein’ as there’s two of ya. But when you’re in, you’re in. And you’re in with the best battlewagon racers in Goldcliff.”

            “What about fifteen thousand, sir?” Angus starts bartering. “Seeing as I’m only about half as big as everyone else, so the fee should be half as much.”

            “Ya- ya know what? You’re a smart kid. We could use more smart guys, only really got the boss. And me a’course. Fifteen thousand for both of ya.”

            “Fifteen thousand what now?” It’s uncanny how Merle can nearly hear Magnus raising his hand in question just from listening.

            “Goldens.”

            “Uh… I got a gold _fish_.” Magnus says. “That has to count, right?”

            “Okay, lemme see him- can I hold him?”

            “Well, you can see him.”

            “Okay, listen. I like ya. You’re a real smart kid, and you got a nice fish. Tell ya what. You give me the fish, forever, and you’re in. No fee. Boss won’t mind one bit.”

            “That is generous, um, s- Jerreeeee.” Angus draws out, seemingly uncertain where the name actually ends.

            “I’m sorry, I can’t do that.” Magnus says, hesitating, and Merle can imagine how protective the fighter is getting over his fish.

            “…Then why would you offer? See, the problem is, I see your fish, and I think I love him?”

            “Steven has that effect on people.”

            “May I propose joint custody?” Angus suggests.

            “I guess I could…” Magnus starts.

            “Perfect. You join the gang, and I get the fish… Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. That sound good?”

            “I guess that sounds-”

            “Hey, Jerreeeeee, I don’t think the boss would be too happy with you lettin’ new members into the gang without consultin’ with him first.” Ruffian #3 speaks up.

            “I’d be happy to meet with the boss.” Magnus offers. “So would-”

            “Caleb.” Angus says quickly. “I’m… Caleb. And I’d be happy to meet with the boss, too, s- Jerreeeeee.”

            “I’ll tell ya what. You stay here, and I’ll go inside and check with the boss, and then we can move on from there.”

            “Actually, s- Jerreeeeee, what if while you go speak to the boss, we leave so I can write up a proper custody agreement? That way there’s no confusion or anything like that, and we can have that ready to go.”

            “Ya, ya know what, sounds good. Just get back ASAP as soon as possible.” Taako snorts, and Merle knows it’s because they both know exactly what Angus’s face looks like when Jerreeeeee says that. “ _Don’t_ keep the boss waiting.”

            “Sounds good!” Magnus agrees, and the Stone goes silent save for the sound of feet walking. “That’s two out of three taken care of.” Magnus says proudly, albeit quietly, as the two rejoin them.

            “Yeah, and it took two of you to get rid of one.” Merle speaks quietly as well.

            “He’s actually right, sir. Plus, we still have the gate to contend with.” Angus whispers.

            “Why are we whispering?” Taako asks in a stage whisper. “And who’s _Caleb_ , Agnes?”

            “Um… the memory of my own name died for a minute?” Angus says with a shrug and a smile that doesn’t meet his eyes. “I’ll tell you later, sir.”

            Taako opens his mouth to object, but Merle wants to get going again. “Less talking, more… talking to them!”

            “Right, one left. Taako, go!” Magnus says.

            “Go, Taako, do your magic.” Merle says, while Taako steps back before grinning.

            “I’m gonna get the ruffian _and_ the gate, natch. I’ve got a plan.” Taako says.

            “Sir, if it’s anything like your plan this morning, I have my doubts.” Angus says, sounding normal and nerdy again, and Taako scoffs before casting Disguise Self. Little Jerry is suddenly standing in front of him.

            “Oh, and I’ll go with him, to be more convincing!” Merle declares.

            The pair of them make their way back over to the gate, and Merle greets Ruffian #3, who has not given his name, and, patting Taako’s shoulder, for once able to reach it, presents “Little Jerry” with his dropped wallet. And now it’s now up to Taako’s acting skills. They’re in trouble.

            “This is a real smart guy see. But listen guys now I gotta take a poop.” Merle hears a slapping sound through the Stone of Farspeech that would seem to indicate that both Magnus and Angus have slapped their hands to their foreheads. “Y’know, like a real emergent poop.”

            Ruffian #3 looks confused. “What, wait, Little Jerry, you know we don’t have a bathroom in the garage. That would be disgusting.” After more whining from Taako, he looks more frustrated. “Look, I dunno what to tell you bud, there’s no bathroom in the garage. Do you want me to walk you to the john? We’ll take care of your business and be back before the boss knows we were gone.” Ruffian #3 exits the booth, _finally_. “Come on, give me your hand, so you don’t get lost.” Merle blinks as they walk off and hears footsteps over both the Stone and behind him as Magnus and Angus come to join him, all three watching in bewilderment as this stupid ploy actually works.

            “Should… should we wait?” Magnus asks.

            “He left the door to the booth open.” Merle says before he actually tries the door. “Oops. Maybe not.”

            Angus lets out an exaggerated sigh that Merle most certainly does not appreciate before starting into his bag to look for his lock picking kit.

            “I mean, but like… should we help Taako?” Magnus asks.

            Taako’s voice suddenly carries over the Stone of Farspeech. “I think this is gonna be a fine poop. That I can _totally handle_. I’m fine.” Taako continues to protest how he can handle this while Ruffian #3 continues to reassure him.

            They’re about to break into the booth and see how they can get in when Ruffian #3’s voice comes over the Stone again. “Wait a minute, wait a minute. Who’s that coming down the street? Is that- Little Jerry? What the hell is going on?”

            “Oh shit.” Merle, Magnus, and Angus say in unison.

 

* * *

 

            “Hey, that looks like me!” Little Jerry says in astonishment.

            At the same time, Taako shouts, “Holy shit, an imposter!” While the unnamed ruffian looks between the two Little Jerrys in confusion, Taako quickly casts Sleep. And for once it works. Little Jerry drops to the ground, off to dream of, shit, not being hit by a train, Taako guesses.

            “O-okay then?” The ruffian looks back to Taako, who grins. “I guess that explains that?”

            “Can you believe it?” Taako nudges Little Jerry’s leg with his foot. “Looks like we’re gettin’ infiltrated!”

            “Sir, don’t make him any more suspicious than he already is.” Angus pipes up over the Stone of Farspeech, and gee, that sure is useful advice, Ango.

            “So he was tryin’ to infiltrate us? But then he just… passed out? Somethin’ smells fishy, Little Jerry, and I don’t think it’s just the smell of that old guy’s jib.”

            “Enough with the smelly jib comments.” Taako hears Merle say.

            “Yeah, probably tryin’ to infiltrate us to get to the core. We gotta go back and check on the core.” Taako nods insistently.

            “Y’know, you make a good point. So let’s grab Little Jerry, I mean, fake Little Jerry-”

            “And kill ‘em!” Taako finishes the sentence.

            “Sir, Lieutenant Hurley said no killing!”

            “No, I was gonna say, we take him inside, and we interrogate him. Figure out who’s doin’ the infiltratin’ for real.”

            That could end badly. “When you’d go soft, huh?” Taako asks aggressively. “You were never like this before, not for years.”

            “We met like two months ago.” Well… fuck. Unnamed ruffian looks suspicious. “I’ll tell ya what, bud. You tell me my name. My real name.”

            Taako feels himself start sweating, which, ew, that’s a terrible look for Taako. He looks over the ruffian frantically, as though he’ll see some kind of necklace with a name on it. Suggestions from all three of the others are loud in his ears, none of it useful, since nobody caught this guy’s name.

            “Your… name…” Taako hesitates, thinking rapidly. “Is… Taako.”

            He just looks confused now, dagger he’d pulled out loose in his grip “Okay, uh-”

            “Psych! That’s my name! Say my name!” Taako pulls up the fortunately heretofore unnoticed Umbra Staff and casts Magic Missile. Not-Taako, which seems as appropriate a name as any at this point, staggers back, but remains standing.

            To Taako’s immense surprise, it’s Merle, winged shoes flapping, who runs past him first, on the right, swinging his warhammer. And misses. That sounds more like the Merle Taako knows and makes fun of on a regular basis.

            Magnus rushes past Taako on his left, Railsplitter at the ready, and Taako’s left arm comes out automatically to catch Angus. “Sir, wait, no killing!” Angus yells as Magnus swings, and a sparkling blue mage hand, only the slightest bit fuzzy around the edges, grabs onto the head of the axe. Given that the weight limit on Mage Hand is only 10 pounds, it quickly dissipates, but it’s enough to skew Magnus’s aim and cause him to miss.

            “Oh, right, thanks, Ango!” Magnus yells while immediately taking his second attack, knocking not-Taako out with the blunt part of Railsplitter.

            “Not bad, little man. Had all five fingers and everything.” Taako says approvingly. “And, uh, probably, probably a good thing we didn’t go murdering on one of the few times we’ve got, uh, specific instructions not to.”

            “We’re gonna regret that.” Merle says forebodingly.

            “Still better than murder.” Angus doesn’t even deny it though. After a moment, Taako realizes what he’s probably remembering.

            “Right. Murder of not-Taako, whose name we will never know.”

            “I found his wallet!” Magnus calls back to them.

            “Impossible to learn.”

            “Says right here it’s Barbara.”

            “Knowledge lost to the void, never to be spoken again.”

            “He’s unconscious, not dead, sir.”

            “Forgotten, sands of time obscuring all.” Taako finishes with a dramatic flourish. “So, listen, we should probably, uh, do something with not-Taako over here.”

            “Well, if he were _dead_ , I’d say toss him over the cliff.” Merle says.

            “But he’s not! You don’t toss living people over cliffs unless you want them to be dead.” Magnus replies, having returned to them. “Oh, and I found a key.” He waves it around. Really, if someone didn’t want them to go through people’s pockets and steal shoes, they should stop hiding plot-required items in people’s pockets.

            “We could just find a hiding place to keep him. Leave him outside a tavern or something so people just think he’s drunk.” Angus suggests, and, after a bit more squabbling, that’s really the best idea they can come up with.

            The nearest tavern is located near the cliff, so it is something of a Fantasy Weekend at Not-Actually-Dead Bernie’s adventure just getting Not-Taako over there. At least they’ve successfully managed to avoid actually killing anyone so far.

 

* * *

 

            The key doesn’t even get them into the Hammerheads’ headquarters. It just gets them into the booth, where they’re presented with two levers, one for the gate and one for the door.

            “Well, what now?” Taako says. Merle would think it fairly obvious.

            “It could be a trap.” Magnus says.

            “The gate is likely to be much louder. And they probably aren’t expecting it to open either, since Jerreeeeee went through the door.” Angus points out.

            “Let’s not open the gate.”

            “Door it is.” Magnus pulls the lever for the door. “I have lever proficiency.” He says conversationally as they pass through the door. Merle snorts.

            “And you said studying my cantrips sounded like a bad innuendo.”

            “That’s because it does.” Magnus replies.

            There are three buildings in the Hammerhead headquarters. The largest is obviously their main garage and, with light and the sounds of people working pouring out, obviously full of people. The second is the building closest to them, a smaller garage, with just the one door, no windows, and no sound emitting from it. The last is another cinderblock sort of building, like the small garage, but unlike the others, this one actually looks meant for people, with a few windows and the only door present being a medium being-sized door.

            Magnus makes some gestures that presumably mean something to him at least. Merle has no idea what he’s trying to communicate. Eventually, Magnus just sighs and points to the small mystery garage. Halfway to the building, Merle gets a slight twitch of his nose as warning before he sneezes loud enough that he wouldn’t be surprised if Hurley heard several blocks away. There’s a brief pause in the work from the big garage, and they all hold their breath, Magnus’s hand immediately going to Railsplitter. After a moment though, the work continues.

            The small garage looks even less welcoming up close. The padlock on the door is approximately the size of Merle.

            “This sure seems like the building where you’d store some kind of magical prototype engine. Seems pretty well-secured.” Magnus whispers. It’s still loud.

            “I think you’re probably right, my dude. I’ve never been to a garage, but your read on it seems… goooooooood?” Taako says, eyeing the building. And the lock. Well, Taako disguised as Little Jerry is eyeing the building and lock.

            “I agree. That… might be a problem though.” Merle does a double take, watching in fascination as Angus’s brow furrows in actual frustration as he pushes at the lock. “I’m not sure I have the right lock-picking tools to open this door. And it’ll probably take a while.”

            “Well, what if we made them bigger?” Taako suggests.

            “Hold on, hold on… this seems like one of those things, where the first thing it seems like you should look at, is really the last thing.” Merle warns. “Could be the prototype wagon, could be full of angry dogs.”

            “I like dogs though.” Magnus says. “Plus I’m proficient in-”

            “Animal handling.” The three others say in unison. They’ve heard it enough by now.

            Angus takes out his lock picking set and starts looking through things, shaking his head and mumbling to himself periodically. Merle kinda tunes that part out.

            “I could cast Silence.” He offers. “And Magnus could Phantom Fist it open.”

            “Phantom Fist doesn’t work like that.” Angus replies, half-distracted.

            Taako snaps his fingers. “Got it.”

            “Got what?” Magnus asks.

            “Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmagic!” As Taako closes his eyes, grip on the Umbra Staff tightening, he produces a magical third eye that blinks open.

            After a few moments, Taako reports back. “Well, guys, good news, bad news. Bad news? Tank. Good news? Not dogs!”

            “That doesn’t sound like good news to me.” Magnus sulks.

            “Did it look like the arcane core was in there at all, sir?”

            “Listen, given that I have no idea what the arcane core will actually look like… no idea, Agnes. But, uh, no flashing signs or anything.”

            “In that case, I think next stop is building #3.” Magnus says decisively, pointing at the remaining small building.

            “What if I wanted to check out the garage?” Merle whines at him.

            “But we know there’s people there.”

            “There could be people in that building!”

            “But we can’t hear any, so we won’t know until we check!” Magnus sounds exasperated.

            “Fine, fine. Have it your way then.” Merle brushes it off. “And by the way, _Taako_ , you’re not the only one with Clairvoyance.”

            “Oh, excellent. Wonderful news. Not quite sure how it’s relevant now.”

            “I just want to state for the record, it isn’t me.” Magnus says.

            “I didn’t think it was.” Taako rolls his eyes. “Not you, not Agnes ‘cause I haven’t even taught him first level spells, and not Barbara, cause he’s taking a little nap.”

            Despite the fact that it’s patently unnecessary, Merle gets Magnus to lift him up to see into the third building. As suspected, it’s a building meant for humans and not battlewagons, some kind of bunk to be precise, complete with two ruffians sleeping soundly.

            “It’s unlocked!” Angus whispers from where he’s tried the door.

            “Why didn’t we try that first?” Merle hisses to Magnus.

            “Because we wanted to check it out _before_ we break in.”

            “Fine, fine.” Merle quickly casts Silence, and the effect is immediate. The melodious sound of one of the ruffians snoring? Quiet. So either they’ve _actually_ killed someone now that they won’t be able to tell Lieutenant Hurley about… or the spell worked. “’Course we can’t talk to each other once we’re in there.”

            “Truly a disaster.” Angus says with a straight face, and Merle huffs in annoyance.

            “We’ll be fine. We can communicate with hand signals!” Magnus starts up with the incomprehensible hand signals again. This is going to go just _great_.

            There are lewd posters and snoozing ruffians and unlocked chests in the room, and the last is the only thing of interest. One clothing-throwing montage later, and they’re all putting on Hammerhead gear. It’s probably only relevant to Taako, who’s much more convincing as Little Jerry in this outfit than his own clothes.

            As they finish up, a dark blue flash of light gets Merle’s attention. It’s coming from Angus. Specifically, his pocket. There’s a dawning light of realization on everyone’s faces that is quickly overtaken by panic while Angus fishes out his Stone of Farspeech.

            Angus looks up, holding it toward them, frantic look on his face. Merle can easily read his lips as he silently yells, “What do I do, sirs?!” He can’t answer the call now because by the time he’s out of range of the Silence spell, the Director will no doubt be panicked enough for the ruffians in the bigger garage to hear her. The same problem will arise if he steps outside, as the chirping of the Stone, getting louder and more insistent the longer it goes unanswered, will alert the ruffians as well. And they’re rapidly running out of time, because the flashing blue light is starting to rouse the two people sleeping in the bunks. There is a particularly bright flare of light, and Angus jumps, dropping the Stone, which bounces and skitters across the floor noiselessly.

            A frenzied scramble of silent activity erupts. Merle prepares his warhammer in case one of the ruffians does actually wake up. Angus is fumbling around on the floor, scrambling to pick up the dropped Stone. Magnus tries to block Angus and the Stone from sight, without much success, as blue light dances on the walls. Taako is surprisingly still, watching, like some sort of small predatory mammal.

            Angus finally gets his hands back on the Stone. And the moment the flashing lights dim, signaling the brief window of time between the Director being sent to voicemail and her assuredly imminent next call, Taako pounces, wrapping an arm around Angus. The both of them disappear in an instant.

            A split second later, they reappear ten feet away before immediately vanishing again. In just a few moments they’re practically back to the front of the gate just as the Director’s second call comes through.

            “Hello, ma’am? Can I just say, you have impeccable timing?”

 

* * *

 

            Taako is starting to think, as the six ruffians stop what they’re doing to stare, unblinking, at the four of them as Taako, Merle, and Magnus sing fantasy Broadway, that this may not have been the optimal way to do this. Angus, practically hiding under the oversized leather jacket and fedora, seems to have a much better idea. “Hey, guys, these-” and _fuck_ , was that how Little Jerry had sounded? “-these are the new recruits! I’m showin’ them around the place. Go about your business, don’t worry about it!” After a long pause where Taako begins to wonder if these guys are even stupider than they look, five of the six go back to work.

            Which allows Taako and the others a moment to look around. It’s messy, not like Taako’s ordered disorder, but actually messy, with scrap and tools scattered everywhere. The three battlewagons in here combined _might_ be about the size of the tank in the other garage. Two of the ruffians are working on a battlewagon that’s currently suspended in the air, doing something that Taako can’t be bothered to figure out. Three others are standing next to a sitting figure Taako hadn’t noticed at first.

            How he hadn’t initially noticed is something of a mystery, as this seventh figure is enormous, like would make Magnus look small enormous. And, contrasting with Taako’s ability to wear anything well, they are most certainly not rocking the burlap sack look. What’s more concerning than the fashion crimes being committed here, however, is the fact that this figure is chained up, with a metal helmet covering their head, and that the three ruffians standing next to them are using their clubs and messing with them. As the whole party notices, Taako hears a sharp, angry gasp from Angus and a slow, measured inhale from Magnus. Taako glances to Magnus to see that his eyes are locked on the mystery figure, hands clenched into fists that are shaking. Out of the corner of his eye, Taako sees the last figure, cleaner and sitting at a desk, slowly stand up, but he’s preoccupied.

            One of the three with the clubs looks back over to them, and Taako realizes it’s regular Jerreeeeee, the one with six fuckin’ Es at the end of his name. At the same time, Jerreeeeee recognizes them. Or specifically, Magnus.

            “Why didn’t you wait at the door? Little Jerry, I was takin’ care of this. I was just sorta puttin’ them on ice, y’know? Keepin’ ‘em in the freezer, see how much they really want it.”

            “But, look, listen, we’ve recruited him now. We got our own holy man.” Taako gestures at Merle, who waves the Extreme Teen Bible. “That’s gotta be good luck or somethin’.”

            “Right, right. We can do church services or somethin’.” Jerreeeeee thankfully turns away from them. And to the man standing by the desk. A few moments too late, Taako realizes that the lack of grime probably means he’s the boss. “So, yeah, these are the new guys? Whaddya think?”

            The clean boss man looks at Magnus, who has started looking into the battlewagons, before his gaze slides over to Merle and then finally to Angus, who immediately ducks his head, avoiding eye contact. “I dunno. I’m not really feelin’ like it’s time for us to expand. Not lookin’ to really split our winnings anymore, ya know? Plus, what do they really bring? Short one’s got a little divinity. And you said the kid is smart?”

            “Wicked smart, boss.”

            “Right, right. Could always use another smart person around here, gettin’ real tough just talkin’ to myself.” He looks thoughtfully at Angus. Or at least, as thoughtfully as someone as dumb as him could. “Unless…”

            “Unless?” Jerreeeeee asks.

            The guy snaps his fingers and points. “Mascot.”

            “Mascot?” Angus asks dubiously, disdain seemingly at war with a desire to avoid notice.

            “Of course, boss!” Jerreeeeee nods vigorously. “That little hammerhead costume! Why didn’t I think of that? Caleb’ll be great in that!”

            “…Hammerhead costume?” Angus sounds even more repulsed now, voice growing in volume.

            “Yeah, kid, real nice costume. We, uh, got it for Little Jerry, but uh, turns out he’s not little enough.” The clean guy turns to Taako again. “Yeah, sorry, Little Jerry, I know how much you had your heart set on that.”

            “N-no problem, boss.” Taako smiles.

            “Anyway, irregardless of the kid bein’ the new team mascot, what about facial hair over there?” He gestures to Magnus, who has practically stuck his head into one of the battlewagons. Seems like a bad idea if you ask Taako. Magnus, for his part, does not and starts prattling about something vaguely vehicle-related that could be something logical but could be utter bullshit. Taako doesn’t know enough, or care enough, to pay attention. It has the desired effect on the Hammerheads though, who seem appropriately wowed by Magnus’s vehicle proficiency. First time that’s ever happened.

            “Yeah, see, this guy’s real sharp, good with battlewagons. We oughtta show him the core later, see what he thinks, ya know?”

            “Listen, Little Jerry, I’m sure if this guy’s this good, he’s seen a lotta plain ol’ arcane cores.” Jerreeeeee is still nearly cooing over Magnus’s input, when the imprisoned figure looks up. Taako can sort of see two eyes peeking out of the mask, but he has night vision, not super vision, so he can’t see much more than that. But then the being starts grunting, freaking out. And something about them seems oddly… familiar. A quick glance around says that Magnus and Merle have had the same realization and are struggling to remember just as Taako is. Angus’s face just shows concern, for the chained figure, natch, as he pushes his glasses up his nose.

            While Jerreeeeee and the other two ruffians not so kindly try to get the figure to shut up, Merle asks, “So… who’s the guy in the metal helmet, uh… and, you know, who are you?” Taako feels an ear trying to twitch through the disguise spell; he could swear he hears some sort of banging noise, like on metal, somewhere.

            “Right, right, name’s Maarvey. Two As. We really like redundancy around here really. And, uh, let’s just call him a rare import. Not exactly on the books, and we paid a pretty penny for him. Gonna pay out huge dividends on the track.” The clean guy says, almost apathetically. And, _listen_ , Taako might be the master of apathy in most cases, but, uh, not about something like this. This is wrong. Taako’s not good out here when it comes to kidnapping and whatever the rest of this shit is. Granted, Taako had kidnapped Angus, but that was different. It’s not kidnapping if it’s your kid.

            Your kid who doesn’t know this guy. But Magnus and Merle do. There haven’t been too many occasions where this particular setup has happened. Taako starts thinking it through. And realizes, stiffening in shock, watching as a solitary tear trails out of the metal mask covering the head of Klaarg the bugbear. There’s a hiss from Merle, a choked sort of sound from Magnus.

            “I’m gonna have to punch.”

            Luckily, Maarvey misses the threat from Magnus. “Ay, you okay there, buddy? You look like you seen a ghost or somethin’.”

            “I’m fine.” Proficient in performance, Magnus is not.

            Maarvey looks skeptical but then he tilts his head. “Anyone else hear that?” The banging has gotten louder, sounds almost like… someone fuckin’ _knocking on the door_. Little Jerry. Or, the actual Little Jerry.

            Fuck.

            “Ey, Jerreeeeee.” Maarvey calls, and Taako points to himself, hoping to distract. He can take care of Little Jerry again. He’s a wizard; he can cast Sleep as long as he has first level spell slots. “No, uh, not you, Little Jerry. Jerreeeeee, go see what’s goin’ on at the gate. I dunno why Barbara isn’t-” He shrugs.

            “Uh, maybe someone ought to go with Jerreeeeee, sir?” Angus suggests, clearly having realized the same thing. Taako feels a moment of pride, but, _nope_ , no time for that now. Got a magic thing to steal, and Taako’s already down one on the stealing things today, what with missing out on the statue on Goldcliff Trust. “If, uh, Barbara is in trouble or something, maybe he could use the backup.”

            “I do have my knees.” Jerreeeeee nods.

            “No, uh, it’s good, shouldn’t be any trouble. Jerreeeeee, go.” Jerreeeeee drops his club by Klaarg and heads out. “Say, kid, I do like that. ‘Sir.’ Good shit. Keep that up.”

            Out of the corner of his eye, Taako sees Magnus wander away from the battlewagon and over to a lever. And then right into it. “Oops.” He says as the thing moves.

            “What’re ya-” The two ruffians under the battlewagon start to yell. At the last minute, Magnus seems to recall Hurley’s earlier request that they not kill anyone, as well as Angus’s intervention earlier, and pulls back the lever. The two ruffians still seem pretty solidly squished under there though. And Maarvey and the remaining ruffians don’t seem to like that much.

            “Magnus, we told you not to touch anything!” Merle has time to yell before one of the unnamed ruffians -and they’re really going to have to get better with the names thing; it’s getting hard to keep track- swings at Magnus with the same club he’d been using to beat Klaarg a moment earlier. It hits, though Magnus uses Railsplitter to deflect.

            There’s the sound of a drawer opening and shutting and then Maarvey is stalking forward straight toward Angus and Merle. It’s unclear who he means to hit, maybe even both, but Merle steps at the last minute, and Maarvey’s stun baton hits him. And promptly bounces off. Looks like _someone_ didn’t wait long enough to charge the thing. Angus ducks out of the way, seemingly trying to avoid further notice.

            Taako blinks, feels his disguised ears pull back flat against his head under Little Jerry’s hair. Maarvey might have been trying to hit Angus.

            Magnus hasn’t noticed and goes to hit the ruffian who struck him, knocking him back.

His partner, who Taako sees is named Craigery, thanks to a necklace around his neck, lunges forward to strike back at Magnus. Well, tries to. He’s stopped by one massive bugbear paw clasped on the back of his shirt. Klaarg pulls him to the ground, and Taako spares a moment to wonder if Klaarg is still mad at them for charming him, convincing him to kill his employees even if they had been planning a mutiny, and taking his gold and tea. And throwing his wolf in the fire, can’t forget that, natch, even though that one was all on Magnus.

            Maybe Merle is having similar thoughts and wants to endear them to Klaarg, or maybe he’s just thinking Klaarg will hate these guys more than he hates them. Either way, Merle slams his warhammer down onto the chains holding Klaarg in place, freeing him. Klaarg stands, roaring, furious, defiant, while Merle looks in bemusement at his warhammer. “Huh. Guess I don’t know my own strength, you know?” He says conversationally.

            Taako becomes aware of Maarvey standing next to him, stun baton now crackling with energy. _Maarvey might have been trying to hit Angus._

            Taako makes what may be the first fuckin’ melee attack of his entire life. He grabs the baton and jabs it straight into Maarvey’s face. Maarvey drops to the floor, and Taako’s pretty sure that Maarvey pissed himself.

            The one Magnus hit has finished shaking off Railsplitter’s impact and looks around. “Oh, shit!” He makes a break for the door. Magnus manages to hit him again as he goes, stumbling out into the night.

            There’s a rattling of chains behind Taako, who turns to see that Klaarg has stood up and has a chain wrapped around Craigery’s neck. Shit, did Hurley say anything about keeping angry bugbears from killing anyone?

            “Please, please, please.” Craigery begins begging. “Please let me go, you can have whatever you want.” It seems he’s also pissed his pants.

            “Hey, let me talk to this fool for a second.” Taako says, finally dropping the disguise spell and pointing the Umbra Staff in Craigery’s direction. “Where’s the arcane core?”

            “It’s in a chest, behind the boss’s desk.”

            “Is it locked?”

            “Y-yeah!”  
            “Where’s the key, pisspants?”

            “L-look, boss, the other pisspants, has the key!” Taako goes over to Maarvey, confiscating the stun baton with a waggle of his finger.

            “H-hey, buddy, I hope you remember-” Magnus is holding up his hands, cautiously approaching Klaarg, who looms over him and roars. “Klaarg.” Magnus says calmly. “Klaarg, you’re my hugbear, buddy.”

            “Do you have _any idea_ what a rough few months I’ve had?” Klaarg growls.

            “I can imagine it’s been pretty bad.”

            “Pretty bad!” Klaarg scoffs.

            “But we’re here to help, but we can’t do that if you kill this man.”

            “Just stay back, or I swear I’ll kill him. Stay back!” Klaarg snaps.

            “If you let him go, I’ll give you all the oolong you want.”

            “Oh man, I’m so mad at you guys. Ooh boy am I angry. Boy am I peeved.”

            “All the oolong you want.” Magnus tries to soothe. It’s not very effective.

            Taako sees Merle, having finished giving a quick explanation of exactly who Klaarg is to a bewildered Angus, cast Calm Emotions. Unfortunately, it has no effect on Klaarg.

            “Aw, man, whatever.” Craigery manages to shrug despite his position, suddenly very chill. “This is cool. This is fine.”

            Klaarg leans over to rip the cover off what turns out to be a motorcycle. “If I ever see you again-” He says, jumping onto it and throwing Craigery and the metal helmet to the side. “If I ever see you guys again, it’s gonna be real bad for you.”

            “But Klaarg!” Magnus objects.

            “Nope!” Klaarg drives off through the garage.

            “But I love you! Klaarg, I love you!” Magnus calls. From the crashing sound that answers him, Klaarg’s possibly driven straight through the gate as well. “How could you do this to me?”

            “You’re really good at making friends, huh, sir?” Taako looks down to see that Angus has come over and is staring off through the door Klaarg had driven through.

            “Nah, just not good at keeping them, I guess. Everybody leaves.” Taako shrugs. “Oh, right, key.” He turns back to Maarvey and mage hands the key out of his pocket.

            “This is a legitimate business. What are you all doing?” Maarvey growls. “I swear I’m gonna get revenge for this, this heinous act.”

            “We could still kill him.” Merle says, nudging Maarvey with his foot.

            “We promised we wouldn’t, sir.”

            “These guys aren’t dead!” Magnus calls from where he’s lifted the lever, lifting the battlewagon off the two pinned ruffians.

            “Cool, cool.” Taako says as he opens the chest. Velvet-lined, nice, with two cube-shaped divots. One is empty, which seems an awful lot like some kind of foreshadowing, but the second has what is presumably the arcane core, a shimmering blue cube that almost looks like it has a cloud inside it. He also hears sirens in the distance and coming closer. “Time to go!”

 

* * *

 

            “Did I- did I hear sirens?” Hurley asks them as soon as they duck inside. Angus has long since tossed the jacket and hat and starts trying to scrub the grease paint from his face.

            “What? Uh, no. Birds. Real big birds. Like, three of them.” Magnus flaps his arms as though indicating.

            “You didn’t get caught, did you?” Hurley asks, realizing the obvious falsehood, looking between them.

            “Well, we are standing right here and not in a jail cell.” Angus points out. Most of the grease is off his face and now on his hands. Probably should have thought that one through a little better.

            “Okay, fair, that should have been the first sign.” Hurley says. “But did you get the core?”

            “Hell yeah we did!” Taako pulls the glowing blue cube out of his bag and tosses it to Hurley. He glances at Angus and uses Prestidigitation. Suddenly, Angus’s face and hands are clean again, much to his relief.

            Hurley looks at the cube first in astonishment, then excitement. “This is it, guys! We can do it! We’re going to be the best team of racers ever. You guys did great!” She spins the cube in her hands, a look of doubt crossing her face. “Um, you didn’t kill anyone though, did you?”

            “…No.” Magnus says, and though it’s the truth, it sounds false.

            Angus sighs. “No, ma’am, they only _almost_ killed a few people.”

            “They’ll be fine.” Merle brushes it off. “I’m a healer, I can say that.”

            “Well, I guess, since they’re not dead at least. I mean, I couldn’t have really enforced any consequences, but not dead is good.” Hurley’s reaction seems quite similar to Angus’s own reaction.

            “That’s the spirit, Hurley.” Taako says as Hurley flies across the room to her sleek gray battlewagon, much nicer than anything Angus had seen in the Hammerheads’ garage, though Taako _did_ say there was a tank in the other garage. A tank that probably has the other arcane core in it. Angus isn’t exactly looking forward to dealing with the fallout of that.

            She puts the core in, adjusting a few things with a massive spanner. The engine roars to life, and Hurley looks ecstatic. “Did we do good?” Magnus asks.

             “Yeah, just, hang on a sec.” Hurley shows them a map of the route the race follows that she’ll be driving tomorrow. It starts far off into the wasteland and ends with battlewagons screaming to a halt at the edge of the cliff on the western side of Goldcliff.

            “Okay, so, rules. We’ll be up against fifteen opponents, but-” Angus thinks his heart skips a beat.

            “Wait, ‘we?’” Magnus has picked up on the same thing. “I assumed this would be like, like, you driving and us sitting on the sidelines like ‘yay, go!’”

            “Eating pretzels.” Taako nods in agreement.

            “Am I even old enough to be in the race?” Angus asks. It’s legitimate question.

            “Uh… no.” Hurley says. “I mean, yes! Yes, Angus, you’re old enough to be in the illegal battlewagon races. No on the… look, a race team can have five people in it-”

            “Five?” Merle asks. “Why not four?”

            “I don’t know; it was probably convenient for someone with all the power to make the rules whatever they wanted.” Hurley says, somewhat exasperated at that. “But listen, I’m going to need all the help I can get, from all of you. I’ll be driving, but there’s a lot more that goes into this. Magnus, you’ll be in charge of security.”

            “Sure, that’s already my day job.”

            “Okay, so, it’s pretty much anything goes out there on the racetrack, so we’re going to have a lot of boarders. I’m going to need you to keep them off the wagon. But then if you see a good opportunity to go jump on someone else’s battlewagon, I’m not going to-”

            “Done. No need to ask twice.” Magnus looks thrilled at the possibility. Angus really hopes that _he’s_ not going to be wagon-hopping mid-race.

            “I won’t. Now, you win a battlewagon race by either coming in first or being the only surviving wagon. So we need someone to be able to assault the other teams’ battlewagons, and, Taako, I think with your ranged magic, you’re the right being for the job. There’s a gunner compartment up in the middle of the wagon and a harpoon gun up there, but there’s only the one, so I want to save that as long as possible. Just Magic Missile the shit out of the other wagons.”

            “So, uh, are we aiming to win or just trying to, like, get a hold of the Raven?”

            Hurley’s face is set. “I wanna win. Beating her is going to be the only way we’re going to be able to convince her to give up her powers.”

            “Cool, cool. And, uh, when she turns the desert into Vine-town, what then?”

            “I don’t think she will. She’s, she’s an honorable racer, and it’s her favorite thing. I think she’ll want to win fairly, not because she just used magic to make a wall of vines to block us all off.”

            “And she’ll be hard to beat, then, even without magic?” Angus says.

            “Yeah. She’s gonna be the toughest competition, no way around it. She’s a great racer.” Hurley has a wistful look on her face.

            “Also killer, thief-” Merle tacks on.

            “Crazy bird woman.” Magnus says.

            “I guess you’re right.” Hurley’s hopeful look quickly clouds over.

            “Hey! Everything’s going to be great!” Magnus says, like he didn’t just remind Hurley that her former racing partner has magic powers that can kill people.

            “Yeah, remember, everything will be fine, Hurley.” Taako adds.

            “Yeah, well, Merle, I have something for you.” Hurley passes the large spanner she’d used to install the arcane core to Merle. It’s black, with four gems embedded in it. “I’ve had this for a long time, and I’m going to need you to use it out on the track. This is the Adamant Spanner. Each of the four gems is imbued with a spell called Repairs, so if we take too much damage and like a wheel falls off, I’m going to need you to be the bodyman on the wagon, and keep us rolling. And support the rest of the team as best as you can too, both with your spells and even with the spanner. It’s pretty good if you want to clobber someone.”

            “You sure you want to put Merle in charge of healing the battlewagon?” Magnus asks through laughter, which only worsens when Merle turns to glare.

            “And Angus.” Hurley is looking straight at Angus now, eye level with him.

            “You sure it’s safe for a human baby to be out there? Cause, uh, he’ll whine a lot if you chuck him out of a moving vehicle for some reason.” Taako asks casually.

            “You had Feather Fall, sir.”

            “I didn’t _know_ I had Feather Fall.”

            “It’s safe. I promise. I don’t want to put Angus in any danger, so the safest position I can think for him to be in, is in the gunner space with Taako.”

            “That sounds like a bad idea.” Magnus objects.

            “Angus is the most observant, and we’ll need to know as soon as possible if there’s anyone on our tail or what they’re capable of. Plus, you can duck right down into the main compartment with Merle and me. It’s about as safe as it can get on a battlewagon race.”

            “Okay, ma’am.” Angus, surprising even himself, nods. “I’ll do whatever I can.”

            “Great. Thank you. Thank you all so much.” Hurley says, sincerity making her voice shake the smallest bit. “Oh, and uh, there are safety harnesses too.”

            “Safety harnesses?” Magnus sounds and looks like the very idea of a safety harness offends him.

            “Yeah. If you fall off the wagon, they deploy a bubble around you that slows your descent and keeps you guys from getting actually murdered out there. Don’t get me wrong, still super dangerous, so be careful, but this will keep you from dying if you fall off this particular moving vehicle.”

            “I did do that before.” Magnus nods solemnly.

            “You were _unconscious._ You did not _die_.” Taako says, sounding indignant.

            “Is there a way to trigger it before you fall?” Angus asks. “Seems like a good way to knock out some other racers safely.”

            “Uh, no, they just pop off when you fall.”

            Taako sighs dramatically. “Listen, fine, we’ll wear them. But can we at least put some sequins on them?”

            “I… I guess?” Hurley seems flummoxed at the idea. Angus has known Taako, Magnus, and Merle for too long to have the same reaction. “But there’s one more thing. There’s going to be thousands of spectators watching through the pylons, and as I’ve said a couple times before, this is technically illegal-”

            “It is?” Merle interrupts, feigning shock.

            “Yeah, super illegal, so you need to preserve your anonymity.” Hurley pulls out four boxes. “So, I, uh, made these for you based on your requests. Uh, this one’s for Magnus.” She passes him a box.

            “Yeah, awesome!” Magnus pulls out a mask like a roaring grizzly bear. Angus has to hand it to her; it fits Magnus to a tee, both figuratively and literally. “I’m a bear!” Magnus declares proudly.

            “I’m not.” Taako mutters.

            Hurley picks out another box. “This one’s for you, Taako.” Taako puts the mask on, and Angus can see that the mongoose mask is cute. Cute, and with a mouth lined with sharp teeth. “I gotta ask though, why the mongoose?”

            “Because, um, the mongoose has specialized acetylcholine receptors that make it impervious to venom and so they’re known for killing snakes. Very surprisingly dangerous, like you know? Rikki-Tikki-Tavi. You know?” Taako starts. His ears pull back at some of the incredulous looks on the others’ faces, and Angus feels badly about that. “You know not everything has to be a joke. Sometimes you just be honest about your feelings and that’s how I see myself, you know? I may not be the most threatening silhouette, but I like to think of myself as somebody who can stand up for- You know, it doesn’t always have to be goof-goof-dildo machines over here, okay? I’m traveling around with the boner squad, plus Agnes, and I never get to just say what I’m feeling. I have emotions!”

            “Cast Calm Emotions, quick!” Magnus hisses at Merle. Taako glares.

            “It’s not all abraca-fuck-you and what have you. I have a beating heart! I’m multidimensional! I’m a fully realized creation! FUCK!” While Angus cautiously pats Taako on the arm, reassuring and watching as his ears return to normal, Hurley turns to Merle.

            “The owl, a symbol of wisdom. Also, they can barf up whole mice skeletons. Yeah, you’re not the only one who knows things about animals, Taakoooooo.” Hurley says with a grin that widens when Taako returns it.

            “Just like you.” Magnus says to Merle.

            “Exactly.” Merle says, putting it on.

            “It’s a snowy owl!” Angus says. “Those are my favorite.”

            “…I need a new mask.” Merle says. When both Angus and Hurley’s faces fall, he grimaces a moment before grinning. “Oh, what the hell, it’s fine. Good, even.”

            “And finally, Angus.” Angus turns to Hurley. Truthfully, he’d wondered why Hurley had been asking about animals earlier, but he’d been a bit more preoccupied with breaking and entering and a savage group of battlewagon racers with ties to the seediest parts of Goldcliff. Angus pulls out a distinctly vulpine mask.

            “It’s a fox!” Magnus declares.

            “Snow fox.” Angus corrects, carefully stroking some of the white fur. “Foxes are very clever and tricky. And I like the cold.”

            “I guess that works. Can’t believe it’s snow fox and snowy owl though.” Merle grumbles.

            “Good choice, Ango.” Taako says approvingly.

            “Well, I’m out of presents, so, uh, time to start learning all the finer points of battlewagon racing? And I guess gluing sequins to the safety harnesses too.”

 

* * *

 

            Several hours later, Angus looks ready to fall asleep standing up, which Magnus wouldn’t be surprised if he actually did. Still, he brushes off Hurley’s offer of blanket, pillow, and generally bed again for what has to be the 19th time. Something’s up, Magnus knows. He has proficiency in all things related to Angus now.

            Magnus sidles up to Angus while the latter watches Taako determinedly bedazzle his safety harness while Hurley is trying to get the Halfling-sized harness onto Merle. It fits, but it’s a bit snug. “Hello, sir.” Angus says through a yawn. Okay, so Magnus hadn’t been particularly subtle. It’s not like he’s a rogue!

            “Hey, Ango. Kinda late, huh?”

            “I guess so, sir.”

            “You gonna go to sleep?”

            “…I don’t think so, sir.”

            “How come?”

            “Something could happen.”

            “Like what? Taako bedazzling you in your sleep?”

            “No, not like that, sir. He’s already had the opportunity many times, and I still haven’t woken up looking like a fantasy disco ball.”

            “So?”

            Angus shrugs. “I don’t know.” Which is probably the least believable lie Magnus has heard today. And that includes everything from Taako’s attempt to break them into the Hammerheads’ garage.

            “Is it the race?”

            “No.”

            “Is it us?”

            “No.”

            “Is it-” As expected, Angus jumps in, having coming to the correct conclusion that Magnus will just keeping asking.

            “It’s what happened this morning.” _Oh._ “Taako and Merle were both unconscious, and you weren’t far behind, and it was-” Angus stops, considering.

            “Look, Ango, I get it. That was scary for me, too.”

            “You actually did something though, even though you started it, and that wasn’t cool, sir… I just got out of the way.”

            Magnus exhales slowly. “Ango, I’m sorry for starting a fight that went that badly. That’s not what I want. As for what I did, I got in one hit, and all that did was show that she’s got more healing powers than Merle.”

            “HEY!” Merle objects from across the room, almost preternaturally attuned to jokes about his healing abilities.

            “Point is, it’s not your job.” Magnus returns to the matter at hand.

            “But if I don’t help… if… you all could have died.”

            “Eh, that’s kind of in the job description.” Angus doesn’t say anything. “It’s not your fault.”

            “I know.” Angus’s voice sounds very small, and Magnus is once again reminded that Angus is still a young kid. “But sometimes it’s hard to remember that. Especially today. It was like Rockport and like Phandalin, too. People died. I didn’t, I _couldn’t_ , help.”

            “Angus, you solved a murder on the Rockport Limited. That’s more than most adults can do. You think we would have been able to do it on our own?”

            “I think the fuck not, sir.” Magnus laughs at that.

            “There you go. And we made sure it didn’t get any worse crashing a train into Neverwinter.” Magnus pauses. Angus yawns. “But with Phandalin… I think we all blame ourselves. Doesn’t mean we’re right. And even if we are, there’s nothing in existence that could change it. We just have to keep moving forward, keep doing better. That’s… that’s how I move forward through grief.” Magnus admits quietly. Angus seems to think.

            “Thanks, sir.” A small hand presses something into Magnus’s. He looks down and blinks upon seeing the overpriced Goldcliff magnet. He looks back up from his hand to Angus, who still looks incredibly tired but also has a proud glint in his eyes and a mischievous smile on his face. “You really have to roll better with your sleight of hand, sir.”

            Magnus laughs, loud, feeling lightness fill him again after the conversation they’ve just finished. “So, you’re going to sleep then? Night, Ango.”

            “Good night, sir.”

 

* * *

 

            Morning comes early and the race even earlier. It’s probably good that Magnus got Angus to go to sleep when he did, Angus admits. Masks already on, they drive out to a preset location where a pit crew of goblins and a large crate on wheels waits. Hurley drives into the crate and turns the battlewagon engine off. The door behind them lifts and closes, shutting them in. It’s not dark though; there are holes in the ceiling that let in both shafts of early morning light and dust.

            “This is another sort of security precaution.” Hurley explains, looking easily the most wide awake and excited of everyone in the group. “It also helps keep things fair. Because then you can’t scout out the other vehicles you’re going to be up against, and they can’t scout you out either. Even playing field as far as what to expect.”

            They wait for another half an hour as the crate is driven to the starting line, quickly heating up inside the wooden box under the rising sun. Angus pulls at his shirt collar, glad he isn’t wearing his heavier clothes for this. Wind whips at the crate around them, sending clouds of desert dust pouring in to cling to sweaty skin.

            There’s a cacophony of sound as they pull into the starting line, engines revving, voices shouting, and Angus is again just the smallest bit worried that he is a small boy in a large, dangerous race. But he’s faced far more difficult challenges, and he’s certainly not alone here. They’re as ready and as set as they can be. The sound of a horn cuts through the din.

            “Get ready! When you hear the second horn, we’re going! Remember, we’ve got fifteen opponents, but all we have to do is beat Sloane. Do you guys have any last words?”

            “Um, yeah, you know-” Merle is cut off by the second horn. Time to go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there!
> 
> Yes, I did change the rules on battlewagon racing and then specifically call myself out on it because it's funny to me. Also, re: Angus's mask, it's actually an Arctic fox, but I realized after typing Arctic fox that there is no Arctic anything in Faerun! So, snow fox. Same adorable animal. Bonus points if you know why I went with that particular species.
> 
> So with work and life and me also having a couple other fics and projects to work on, update schedule is probably going to be three weeks here on out, which means Petals to the Metal part 3 should be good to go September 21st. I'll update sooner where possible, and I'm certainly going to keep writing, so if you've read this far, I hope you continue to do so.
> 
> As always, to leave a message after the beep, jump over to [charmandhex](https://charmandhex.tumblr.com).


	9. Angus McDonald, Battlewagon Racer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In Petals to the Metal, it’s finally time for pedals to the metal, meddling with both pedals and petals, and petals not getting a medal only to test everyone’s mettle. Try saying that five times fast.
> 
> Magnus has vehicle proficiency. Angus takes aim. Taako sets everything on fire. Merle has a fanny pack full of a Grand Relic and unanswered questions.

            Before the blaring of the second horn even fades from Angus’s ears, Hurley has shifted the battlewagon into gear, tearing out as the crate door finally drops and clatters to the ground. The Ram battlewagon seems to soar onto the track, Angus bumping and jolting around as tires meet desert floor already spinning.

            He blinks rapidly, trying to quickly adjust to the flood of light from the sun overhead after the comparative darkness of the crate. That’s why he’s here after all, isn’t it, to track as much as he can.

            Almost immediately, there’s an explosion to their left, maybe 20 meters off, which Hurley for the most part seems to ignore, seems accustomed to it. Nearly overlapping with the boom of the explosion comes the sound of another horn from the black pylons that line the course. Angus feels like his brain has finally kicked into gear, just a moment or two behind the battlewagons themselves.

            Two magic missiles scream by them, one narrowly missing the gunner compartment, passing between them and Magnus, who is clipped in onto the top of the vehicle, already looking like he’s having an absolutely spectacular time. Angus whips his head back forward, adjusting his glasses under the mask, eyes tracking a vicious-looking spear that passes directly in front of the battlewagon before disappearing into the clouds of dust. As soon as it’s out of the way, Hurley shifts into another gear, and inertia seems to pull Angus backward until he presses into the side of the gunner compartment. It’s not exactly the most secure position, but he can move quickly at least.

            Four more horns sound from the pylons in quick succession. Angus has already formulated a guess when Hurley shouts back to them, “Every time you hear one of those horns, it means we’ve knocked somebody out!” The battlewagon jerks to the side, and Angus is pressed up against Taako, who grins down at him through the mongoose mask. “We’re already down five, so we’re doing great so far!”

            “Whaaaaaat?” Magnus calls from the top of the wagon, and Angus can’t figure out if he’s actually having difficulty hearing, understandable with the sheer level of noise around, or if he’s just amusing himself until he has an opportunity to punch something. Possibly both.

            “Why are you yelling?” Merle says to her, loudly, though not yelling, pretending to miss the fact that not everyone is less than two feet from Hurley.

            Hurley, for her part, ignores both questions. “Damn it!” Angus hears from up front and pushes up, craning his neck to see through the windshield of the battlewagon. A wagon with three large wheels, almost like a longboat in appearance, and two large black feathered wings has easily taken the lead, gliding forward. The clouds of dust churned upward by spinning wheels are well ahead of everyone else.

            Well, had any of them actually expected that this would be easy?

            “I’ll catch up! Just keep everyone off our tail!”

            “What?” Magnus yells again.

            “Does the battlewagon have an actual ram tail?” Taako muses loudly.

            “It does have tailpipes, sir.” Angus replies. It’s a surprisingly smooth ride so far, now that they’re out of the gate. But then, it is the desert and not exactly like fantasy dirt bikes.

            “I’ll catch up; just keep everyone off our tail!” Hurley yells again, more loudly, and Merle leans away from the sound.

            “What about ketchup?” Magnus is squinting toward the front of the vehicle, and over his shoulder, Angus can see the first wagon approaching, confirming once and for all that this is a _battle_ wagon race.

            The bobsled is being propelled forward by a rocket, ready to plow into anything directly in front of it with a spear at least twice the size of Angus himself. No wheels to target to quickly incapacitate and probably _juuuuuuuuuust_ over 500 lbs with the riders. It’s piloted by four gerblins in velociraptor masks, three of which are carrying spears. And one of which takes a quick crossbow bolt to the face.

            While the actual damage is minimal, the bolt does spin the velociraptor mask a full 180° on the gerblin’s head, completely obscuring their vision. “Nice one, Ango!” Taako hoots as they watch, laughing, as the gerblin frantically tries to correct the situation. Meanwhile, Merle has come back to the gunner compartment as well and leans past them to grab onto a laughing Magnus’s ankle. He seems startled, almost prepared to punt Merle away for a moment. But then Magnus seems energized, practically glowing under the rising morning sun. That might just be the heat though.

            One of the spear gerblins, one that can actually see, runs and launches himself off the bobsled and to their battlewagon, spear positioned to attack Magnus. Magnus easily avoids the spear and counters with a powerful uppercut, sending the gerblin immediately back the way he came and then under the bobsled. At least Angus can see a gerblin in a bubble pop out the other side.

            The two remaining spear gerblins decide not to follow in his example and throw their spears toward Magnus. The first hits Magnus, while the second, from the gerblin who has only partially rectified their mask situation, goes wide. Magnus’s countering arrow bounces off the windshield in front of the driver before the whole bobsled seems to shudder before, still moving forward, it begins to slowly lift upward.

            Angus rapidly turns his head to the side to see Taako casting Levitate on the now below the weight limit wagon and wearing a shit-eating grin. Angus looks back to the bobsled, now accelerating thanks to the lack of friction, and the gerblins frantically running around on top of it. The one Angus had hit, crossbow bolt still sticking out of the mask, takes a flying leap off the vehicle, bubble deploying. Angus, for his part, sees the bobsled curving toward their battlewagon, spear pointed in Magnus’s direction.

            At least, that’s where it’s pointing until a blue mage hand manages to exert 10 pounds of pressure at the tip of the spear. The torque shifts the direction of the bobsled so that the Ram battlewagon is unscathed save for a small gash in the back of the battlewagon. Between Angus’s intervention and the impact with the battlewagon, the bobsled’s course is thrown off entirely. It begins flipping end over end, throwing the two remaining riders off in bubbles. A horn blares through the air before the riders have even fully disappeared into the dust clouds.

            “That was TIGHT!” Hurley yells back in approval, still focused on catching Sloane and taking the free moment to speed up after her.

 

* * *

 

            Merle relishes what is approximately 30 seconds of peace after the sixth horn before another vehicle emerges from the dust storm raging around the race. It’s a wonder this shit qualifies as a sport, when even the racers can’t see a damn thing. Merle squints, looking through his passenger side window at the tall, narrow thing that’s rapidly approaching. Does it even qualify as a vehicle if it’s technically only a wheel? He wonders.

            This particular wheel, however, is 40 feet in diameter and well over 500 lbs, meaning that trick Taako pulled with the bobsled isn’t going to work a second time. Its drivers are two dwarves wearing gerbil masks in some kind of semi-stationary gyro ball cockpit. Merle can definitely appreciate that good, good dwarven ingenuity and even better dwarven sense of humor.

            After confirming with Magnus that the damage from the bobsled is minimal at worst, Merle thanks the fighter by tossing a fantasy Werther’s caramel at him and casting Healing Word. Magnus pops the hard candy into his mouth as he shouts his own thanks back before seemingly preparing for more boarders.

            And you know, that might work with other battlewagons, but that’s not the gerbils’ strategy here.

            Faster than a speeding gerbil, the wheel changes direction and launches itself forward straight at - _and over_ \- the back half of the Ram-mobile, as Merle has taken to calling it in his head. “Shit!” Hurley yells her favorite expletive as the Ram doesn’t dodge and the wheel makes contact. He gets a quick glimpse of Magnus flinging himself backward and hanging by the ropes clipping him to the wagon before Taako and Angus both join Hurley and him in the front, unscathed.

            “You mind? It’s getting crowded in here.” Merle says to the pair, who look at him incredulously. They can hear Magnus shout as he attempts to punch the wheel. Unsuccessfully of course. It’s a giant wheel.

            “Sure, sir. We’ll take disadvantage on ranged attacks until you un-fuck the gunner compartment.”

            “Did Angus just say ‘fuck?!’” Hurley asks as she veers away from the wheel, now 30 feet to the left.

            “Ma’am, we’re literally in an illegal battlewagon race.” Angus responds dryly.

            Taako, meanwhile, is focused on the wheel instead of running his mouth, and even from 30 feet away, Merle can see as a barbed wire crown materializes on one dwarf’s head, clashing horribly with the chipper-looking gerbil mask. The wheel wobbles a moment before straightening.

            “Gee, that was helpful.” Merle says, and Taako turns to him.

            “Just wait a sec, old man. Stupid gerbil’s gonna, uh, help us out in within the next six seconds.” He replies, while Angus’s Ray of Frost goes wide, aim poor as per usual. Though maybe the crumpled gunner compartment has something to do with it, Merle admits to himself as he leans out the passenger side window, hand clenched around the still fully charged Adamant Spanner.

            “Ace is the place with the helpful hardware man!” He sings an ancient dwarven working tune as he swings the Adamant Spanner down onto the roof with a clang. It pops out, good as new and waxed, though a flap of canvas from the back of the wagon indicates that the spanner’s only gonna fix one major boo-boo at a time.

            By the time Merle leans back from the window there’s actually breathing room again, Taako and Angus back in their little compartment, the latter of whom is talking to Magnus about how best to attack the wheel.

            “I wouldn’t expend any energy on it. Shit’s about to _pop off_ , and it’s not gonna go great for them.” Taako calls back, pointing at the recently crowned gerbil. But as Magnus finishes fantasy-MacGyvering a grappling hook, a second battlewagon, more of a standard model and definitely shittier than the Ram-mobile appears. Two dolphin-masked drivers make shrieking sounds, one a beat or two behind the other and looking oddly chilled for being out in the middle of the desert. Huh. Guess the kid actually managed to hit _something_ after all. Just not his actual target. The dolphins, cannons at the ready, pull in close, but movement on the wheel gets Merle’s attention.

            The gerbil with the crown goes on the attack, taking out a warhammer and just completely clobbering the other. The second gerbil drops. The effect on the wheel is immediate; it wobbles again, much more violently, careening straight toward them before, at the last moment, it turns, falling with a series of impressive crunching sounds onto the dolphin battlewagon. As the Ram-mobile races away, two more horns sound in quick succession. Merle grins. Eight down, seven to go.

 

* * *

 

            Magnus is very much in his element. High intensity three and a half episode long fight? Check. Opportunity to punch people and do sick stunts? Check. Something where he can use his vehicle proficiency? Check. Well, sort of check.

            But it’s weirdly quiet now. The only battlewagon roar he can hear is coming from the one beneath his feet. They haven’t seen the Raven, or anyone else for that matter, since the gerbil wheel knocked out the dolphins for them.

            Then a thud. Magnus whirls to face forward, where the sound came from, and he can see that a claw has sunk into the passenger side door of the battlewagon, attached to a cable that just… disappears into the clouds of dust kicked up by battlewagons and desert winds. Magnus is jerked to the left as Hurley veers away from the impact, but the claw retracts, mangled door still in its grip, and soon neither are visible.

            Magnus squints, searching, and does not see shit. Taako looks like he’s tracking something with his eyes, but what, Magnus can’t tell. Angus is leaning too far out of the gunner compartment, trying to see what’s going on. He’s promptly startled from his search by blue light flashing and the now easily recognizable chirping of another truly inconvenient call from the Director. As it is, he nearly loses both his mask and glasses, which jolt free as Angus jumps.  He makes a frantic scramble, managing to quickly catch them and return them to his face.

            “Hello, ma’am?” Magnus hears Angus answer breathlessly. Why does he sound so nervous? He looked fine a moment ago, even if he was busy concentrating.

            “Hello, Angus, we’re watching the battlewagon race up here, and I realized I hadn’t spoken with you since last night, so I wanted to confirm that you’re safe while-” The claw reemerges from the storm. Only this time, it grabs onto Merle.

            “SIR!” Angus yells as Merle is yanked out of the battlewagon, disappearing just like the door.

            “I’m sorry, wait, Angus, are you _in the battlewagon?_ ” The Director nearly yells, gravitas pushed to the side in exchange for panic. “No!”

            “Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!” Hurley yells even louder than the Director while Magnus moves up to the front of the battlewagon.

            “Angus, get off that battlewagon this _instant!_ You are supposed to actively avoid dangerous situations, not rush in headlong, like-”

            Magnus asks, “Should I go after him?”

            “There isn’t exactly a place to stop, ma’am. It’s the desert. And a race track.” Angus snarks back, scanning for wherever Merle disappeared to through glasses speckled with dust.

            “Yeah, I mean, worth a shot. I’ve used two spells already, and I’m _beat_.” Taako replies, though his sharp eyes are also looking into the storm.

            Their deliberations seem to be a mistake, at least with regard to Angus’s conversation. “Magnus, Taako, how could you agree to this?”

            “It’s fine, Madam Director! I’ve got vehicle proficiency!” Magnus returns to his conversation with Taako. “And he’s still got the wrench, right?”

            “Do something!” Hurley yells back to them.

            “Okay, cool!” Magnus straightens up.

            “Magnus Burnsides, it is most certainly _not fine!_ ” The Director shouts.

            “Shoot at it or something!” Hurley yells.

            “Nah, it’s cool, I’ve got it. I’ll be right back!” Magnus yells before hooking his makeshift grappling hook onto the battlewagon rails. And then he launches himself off the battlewagon and into the unknown. The realization that trying to jump onto something he can’t see is _probably_ a bad idea only hits him mid-flight. But a moment later, he hits something else. Something else that is very much metallic and moving and becomes visible as soon as he collides with it. As he scrambles to stay on the now visible battlewagon, his stomach drops, and so does Magnus, ending up with his feet dragging along the ground before he’s able to get a grip.

 

* * *

 

            Merle had very obviously realized that he had been dropped in a body of water as soon as it had happened, managing to get a half gasp of air before being submerged. A few moments later, he can actually see what’s going on, and, you know, he’s _really_ not liking what he sees.

            First and foremost, the octopus. A pretty fucking big octopus at that, mostly yellow but dotted with vibrant blue rings that scream very loudly and clearly to anyone who can half-ass a nature check: “super dangerous; don’t fuck with!”

            Beyond that, a tank with more than enough space for the pretty fucking big octopus, sealed at the top like a gumball machine, only without the convenient escape hatch at the bottom for Merle. He can vaguely see, through water and glass, a distorted Ram-mobile, distinctly Magnus-less. Where did the fighter _go_ in Merle’s hour of needing rescue? He buffed and healed him, for Pan’s sake!

            Merle manages to float back around to face the blue-spotted octopus. Which is suddenly not so pretty fucking big. It’s actually quite small. Almost cute now. If somewhat dejected as it surveys its tiny tentacles.

            That doesn’t stop it from launching itself straight at Merle’s face. Merle does a backflip through the water as the octopus latches onto his head, beak biting down onto his face. Which hurts like hell, but the beak doesn’t manage to break his tough dwarven skin and poison him. So he can see that bright side. Or, he could, if he didn’t have an octopus on his face.

            Not seeing a particularly good alternative (or anything at all for that matter), Merle fumbles and pulls out his warhammer, smashing it upward into the octopus and, by the laws of fantasy physics, into his own face as well.

            It hurts. Ow. Fuck. Merle can’t believe he voluntarily did damage to himself. But it does the job, the octopus detaching and floating backward, stunned. Which solves the most immediate problem of octopus-on-face, leaving him with the only slightly less urgent problem of needing to breathe.

            This is fine.

 

* * *

 

            Riding along the side of the battlewagon with his feet dragging along the desert floor below is generally not what Magnus would call fine.

            But it is also the most convenient position to reach out and bring Railsplitter down on the cable for the octopus battlewagon’s hook, which is currently still buried in their battlewagon. Magnus aims for the part Angus froze moments earlier, weakening the cable, and severs it with a snap.

            Grinning, and still easily holding onto the battlewagon with one hand thanks to the Strength of the Bull buff, Magnus swings again, slamming Railsplitter into the tank. There’s the unmistakable sound of glass breaking, and a stream of salt water hits Magnus in the face, refreshing in the sweltering desert heat. But not what he was hoping for. Magnus swings a third time and is rewarded with that most musical shattering sound and a positive deluge of water.

            And as the salt water streams down the side of the battlewagon, Merle falls -and catches himself- right next to Magnus. “Hey!” Magnus yells, delighted. On Merle’s other side, the tiny blue-spotted octopus has caught itself as well and looks the most worried of the three of them.

 

* * *

 

            With the sudden introduction of standing room now that the tank is out of the way, Magnus and then Merle climb up to the top of the octopus battlewagon. Angus breathes a sigh of relief.  After a moment of contemplation, Magnus crouches down. “That’s good eatin’!” Taako yells as Magnus pulls the octopus off the side of the battlewagon with a squelch that’s audible even from here.

            An instant later, the two octopus-masked dark elves are startled as a blue-spotted octopus lands with a splat on their windshield. After momentary swerving, they seem to remember that they have windshield wipers, and the octopus, agonizingly slowly, like Magnus with the robots in the BoB test of initiation, slides off. At least its tiny octopus harness deploys.

            “Hey, guys, what do I do? I don’t want to mess them up too badly if you’re on it!” Taako yells across the 30 foot gap between the battlewagons.

            “We have the rope! Just do it!” Magnus grabs onto the rope still tied around his waist and shakes it, demonstrating.

            “ _You_ have the rope!” Merle says to Magnus, projecting loudly enough that they can hear as well.

            “Excellent. Okay, great.” Taako says, ignoring Merle’s concern.

            “Just aim around him!” Magnus yells back to Taako.

            “Sir, that sounds like a bad idea!” Angus joins in, having finished dislodging the claw still embedded in the side of the wagon, breathing heavily. Though that might have more to do with the Director’s call and the incident with the mask that preceded it. He sits back into Merle’s seat, watching. “We have to get closer to get to them.” He says to Hurley, who nods as she reaches over and buckles Angus’s seat belt.

            “And we want to knock out the battlewagon.” Hurley replies, alternating between looking at the space ahead and the octopus wagon to the side.

            “Ma’am, you’re not thinking-”

            “Hurley. And yes, I am.”

            Angus pauses. “Taako should hit the tires first. That’ll help.”

            Hurley nods, then yells back. “I think I can do something! Just aim for the tires, Taako!” Angus turns in the seat to watch.

            “That I can do!” As Angus has seen on more than a few occasions now, Taako casts Magic Missile. “Octo-piss off!” He yells as the missiles make contact with the front driver’s side tire, the third sending a jolt through the battlewagon and upsetting the tread.

            “You said that already!” Magnus shouts back.

            “Yeah, but Merle and probably a lot of people didn’t hear how cool that line was!”

            “Get ready to jump!” Hurley and Angus shout at the same time

            There’s a roar from the Ram battlewagon, and Angus is grateful for the seatbelt as Hurley quickly spins the wheel and the wagon (there’s a loud “OW!” from Taako in the gunner compartment) and floors it straight toward the octopus battlewagon.

            Magnus jumps, readily, easily, landing on the back of the battlewagon far more gracefully than he had jumping off the train. Angus hadn’t been worried there. No, it’s Merle he’s worried about. Merle, who jumped far too early for how far he can jump. Merle, who looks like he’s going to fall in front of the battlewagon rather than on it.

            A blast of light comes from Angus’s right, specifically, out of the gunner compartment and, even more specifically, out of the Umbra Staff that Taako has extended out, face eager.

            And a spectral rainbow unicorn with a mullet appears beneath Merle (there’s a loud “OW!” from Merle at that) and bounds out of the way of the oncoming battlewagon with a whinny.

            The Ram’s horns tear into the already weakened tread of the dolphin battlewagon, and as Hurley quickly retreats and corrects, the octopus battlewagon veers to the left, overcorrects to the right, and then begins spinning off into the clouds of dust.

            Hurley sucks in a breath sharply. “I hope… I hope they’re okay.”

            “You damaged a wheel, not the engine or anything. They just need to stop.” Angus points out.

            “They have their bubbles too.” Magnus offers from the top of the battlewagon.

            The sound of what is likely a sizeable explosion reaches their ears, followed by three horns in quick succession.

            “Ooh. W-well.” Hurley starts, stops.

            “So, prison?” Magnus quips.

            “Y-yeah. Yikes.”

            “Hurley, listen, listen, they’re _probably_ okay… And I mean, on the plus side, at least no one had to expend any more effort describing the other two wagons we just took out.” Taako says.

            “Sir, is that really in any way a concern?” Angus asks, though it did get Hurley to laugh the smallest amount.

            “It might be for some people.” Taako shrugs. “And we’ve been doin’ real good on the not killing thing so far. And I just kept Merle from completely beefin’ it, so Taako’s good right here, Agnes. Oh, right. Hey, Merle!” Taako yells out to Merle, who has finally gotten situated and two hands in the unicorn’s mullet. “Garyl’ll be around for an hour! You’re welcome!”

            “Garyl, sir?” Angus questions, skepticism clear in his voice.

            “Hell yeah. Garyl the spectral unicorn. No. Garyl the spectral _binicorn._ ” Taako performs a flourish with the Umbra Staff, and, sure enough, when Angus looks over, Garyl has two horns, almost like a rhinoceros.

            “And is Garyl able to… keep up?” Angus looks between Garyl and the battlewagon. The binicorn seems to be doing so just fine.

            “Listen, little man…” A deep voice responds to Angus, who startles and looks out to see Garyl and Merle next to him. “Listen. Don’t question it. Just eat some oats, and it’s good. Spectral oats. All goooooooooood.” Garyl whinnies.

            “That answer your question, boychik?”

            “Not at all, sir.”

            “Excellent.”

 

* * *

 

            Now that Magnus is back on the wagon and Merle isn’t dead, things are going great. They’re in second place still, even if the Raven has a not insignificant lead, Magnus will concede. Taako’s at the harpoon and Angus is by the big red button Merle had been so fond of mentioning earlier, so they’re ready for that final sprint. But there are still three other teams to worry about.

            Sure enough, a challenger approaches. Actually make that two.

            The first wagon on the left is the more exciting one, the one that draws Magnus’s attention. What is quite possibly the largest boar that Magnus has ever seen emerges from the dust, covered in armor and tusks carved so as almost to be serrated. It’s pulling along a chariot with two riders in boar masks. Magnus grins slowly. That seems like an excellent opportunity for an animal handling check.

            The second wagon, off to the right, is, well, a crate. Really. It looks as though someone stuck a red shipping crate inside the larger crate they were all transported in. You can’t even see the wheels. No obvious weakness or any obvious method of attacking.

            “What’s next, little man?” Magnus hears the unfamiliar deep voice say and turns to see Garyl the spectral binicorn talking to his rider.

            “Well, let’s see, we got two opponents right here and the Raven up ahead, and-” Merle starts tracking who is actually left in the race.

            “Listen, listen. Here’s my plan.” A beat. “Let’s go eats some oooooooooooooats. Spectral oooooooooooooooats. They’re rich with fiber ‘n shit. Naw, I’m just kidding.” Garyl says. Magnus isn’t sure that he was. “What’s the plan?”

            “Let’s go attack… the armored boar.” Merle decides. “See what kind of damage we can do.”

            “Fuck that shit up, hell yeah.” Garyl approves as he moves closer to the boar. It’s hard _not_ to watch the magical binicorn. “Only, I don’t deal any damage, and you’re just a little man.”

            “A little man who can do _magic_.” Merle points at the truss connecting boar and chariot, and a bolt of light jumps off the Extreme Teen Bible and arcs along that same path, hitting the truss. It doesn’t seem to _actually_ do anything, but the truss is glowing now. Should make it easier to attack up until the glow fades, assuming any of them can get around to it.

            Magnus, meanwhile, is watching the crate, which has sped up to be about 20 feet away.

            “Hey, Ango, think I can jump that?” He calls, pointing.

            Angus looks between him and the crate, incredulity clear on his face. “If your goal is to _fail_ , then yes, sir.”

            Magnus turns his attention back to the chariot and its riders, one armed with a scimitar and one with a crossbow not unlike Killian’s and 40 feet back in their chariot. “What about that one?” He points again.

            “Please tell me you aren’t serious,” is Angus’s response to this.

            “He’s not, right? Magnus, that’s gotta be 40 feet.” Hurley yells as well.

            “Hell yeah, go for it, Maggie.” Taako shouts, giving Magnus a thumb’s up. “No way that’ll go badly.”

            Magnus, for once, does not rush in. Which, surprisingly, works. The chariot speeds up, pulling close to the Ram battlewagon, and the rider with the crossbow raises it, pointing it square at Magnus. There’s a burst of blue in front of him, a mage hand to alleviate some of the damage courtesy of Angus’s quick reaction time. Still hits, still smarts, but Magnus isn’t going to complain about _less_ damage, certainly.

            The boar makes to attack the Merle and Garyl duo but misses, though this brings the chariot close enough for Magnus to quickly unclip himself from the battlewagon and leap off the battlewagon, over Merle and Garyl, and onto the chariot.

            Naturally, this prompts the rider with the scimitar to swing at him. Swing _early_ , that is. Magnus counters with Railsplitter, knocking the rider with the scimitar into the other rider. The jerking of the reins drags the boar away from the Ram battlewagon, and Magnus allows momentum to carry him forward the few feet to the scimitar guy again.

            Instead of swinging, he opts to simply throw the rider off the chariot and out of the way, easily passing that strength contest courtesy of Merle’s earlier buff. Magnus watches, head bouncing in time with the rider’s deployed bubble. As he’s watching, he makes to disarm the second rider and rid him of his crossbow, unsuccessfully.  Even worse, however, is the sight of what the ejected scimitar guy runs into: what is easily the biggest battlewagon in the race, emerging from the dust storm.

            “I knew we shoulda killed them all.” Merle shouts from over on Garyl, rapidly approaching the chariot.

            “Hey, Taako? You didn’t think to mention that the tank has _teeth_? Or a _cannon_?” Magnus manages to shout over to Taako. The mouth opens, and, with a metallic clunk audible even here, the teeth shift and begin to rotate quickly around a spear that emerges out of the shark tank’s mouth. A spear that is nearly the size of the Ram battlewagon itself.

            “Or a _spear mouth full of death_ , pointy hat?” Merle shouts as he brings down what seems to be a glowing waffle iron on the head of the remaining boar rider. Whatever sort of magical improvised weaponry it is, it works, knocking crossbow boar guy unconscious. They slump over and slump right off the wagon, bubble deploying. At that, the boar roars, furious, seeming to detect that the two people who are _supposed_ to be in the chariot have unexpectedly and unwillingly vacated the premises.

            “Sorry that it was dark and I couldn’t see-”

            “You have Darkvision, sir!” Angus yells while a beam of blue and white light hits the boar, leaving frost on both boar and armor.

            “Fine, listen, sorry the shark tank wasn’t up and running and had spears and teeth and shit sticking out and spinning!” Taako turns his attention to the boar as well. “Ango cooled you down, so let’s heat things back up! Who wants bacon?”

            “I do- wait!” Magnus yells as Taako casts Fireball.

            For a very brief moment, the boar is on fire, sizzling under rapidly heating metal armor. And it’s all Magnus can do to keep a hold on the reins. At least it does smell like bacon.

 

* * *

 

            Taako grins because great hit, natch. But the victory is short-lived, because it seems like whoever is driving the crate has finally decided to do something interesting.

            The roof and walls of the crate fall to the side, quickly left in their dust just like… 11 teams before that. What’s left is akin to a flatbed wagon with a small compartment for the driver and three chucklefucks in cricket masks standing on the flatbed part of the wagon. Two have hand axes and seem to have been on track team in the high school AU, judging by the poles in their hands. Seems like Magnus territory if you ask Taako. The third cricket is holding a an orb that’s glowing so bright a purple Taako can see the light reflecting off of Angus’s glasses.

            The first two make the pole vault onto the battlewagon, one landing squarely on the hood and the other on the side toward the end, hanging off the wagon.

            But the third is where it gets, unfortunately for Taako, _interesting_. The magical cricket points a finger straight at Taako, whose eyes narrow, ears perking back at the sensation of Dominate Person.

            And he fuckin’ fails the saving throw.

            Taako’s eyes glass over as his thoughts dim, overshadowed by the steady thrum of crickets chirping.

            “Sir? Sir! Sir, stop!” Taako can _hear_ Angus, kind of, as he grabs onto the edge of the gunner compartment and pulls himself out onto the battlewagon proper. If he were himself, he might be concerned for how badly the wind is fucking with his hair right now.

            Over the unceasing cricket chirping, Taako can hear unsnapping sounds as he takes off the safety harness. And then he’s running along the back of the battlewagon, and then there’s no more battlewagon to run off of.

            “No!” Hurley shouts desperately.

            “Taako!” Angus screams at the same time, unmitigated panic punching straight through the fog clouding Taako’s consciousness.

            Taako can feel his senses return to him as he plummets toward the ground, mouth starting to form, “Fuck!” when he picks up on a stream of dust churning out of the corner of his eye. And instead of crashing to the ground, a large, furry hand snatches him out of the air easily, and lowers him into the sidecar of a not entirely unfamiliar motorcycle.

            “Wow, that was a close one, wasn’t it?” Klaarg greets him with an amiable smile before his face turns to worry. “Are you doing okay? I was worried about you, and I saw you flying all hither and thither and yon through the air.”

            “Y-yeah, my dude! I’m good now, thanks to you!” Taako replies, studying Klaarg. His eyes are glassed over and have an almost opaque sheen to them, not unlike what Taako imagines his own eyes looked like just moments before. Well, this is… unexpected.

 

* * *

 

            Angus doesn’t know how he’s gotten into this situation. Well, he _does_ know; he’s a very bright boy, and he has of course been paying attention. But there is something inherently absurd about a situation where he and Hurley have been left alone on a battlewagon because everyone else has been dragged off or jumped off (and Magnus twice at that). Especially with the two cricket boarders attempting to go to town and tear the Ram battlewagon to pieces one axe chop at a time. Angus would go try to help get rid of them, but Hurley’s also trying to veer around to shake them off as best as she can without losing too much speed. Her eyes are still locked on the winged battlewagon that has maintained a substantial lead the entire race.

            There’s a shriek from the boar off to the left as it attempts to attack Merle and Garyl again, though Magnus’s amplified strength puts a stop to that. Angus would bet that Magnus would rather it were an animal handling check and he could keep the boar. Angus would also bet that the Director would very much say no to a massive giant boar on the moon.

            Speaking of the Director… Angus is not looking forward to the conversation that is sure to follow this mission. Even though he hadn’t exactly volunteered to come, he hasn’t been quite as careful about getting into dangerous situations as he said he would be when he spoke to the Director yesterday.

            Another ear-piercing shriek from the boar and then a thud as Magnus lands back on the Ram, ready to fight the boarders.

            “Hey. Angus.” Angus looks to the side. Hurley has an odd look on her face.

            “Yeeeeeeeeees?” He draws the word out, wondering what absurd scheme she’s cooking up now, considering her approach to getting Sloane to give up the Gaia Sash is to win a race while completing her battlewagon was done by theft.

            “Just… keep the wheel straight, and push the pedal as far as it will go. You’ll be fine!”

            “What!” Angus yelps, but Hurley has already moved, and suddenly Angus is sitting in Hurley’s seat, hands on the wheel and pushing the pedal to the floor.

            Angus McDonald, World’s Greatest Detective, Seeker for the Bureau of Balance, and all of ten fucking years old, is driving a battlewagon.

            That conversation he’s going to have with the Director just got a _lot_ more interesting.

            Despite the size of the battlewagon and Angus’s altogether understandable complete lack of experience, it is reasonably straightforward. Hands on the wheel, small adjustments for curves on the desert floor beneath them. And as Hurley designed the wagon to her own specifications, he can actually keep the pedal pushed to the floor. This is fine. Angus goes to push his glasses up his nose out of habit before he remembers that he has to keep both hands on the wheel. At least the mask is keeping both glasses in place and his identity a secret right now.

            Hurley, who almost leisurely flipped up onto the roof, shouts to Magnus, “Where’ve ya been?” She sounds exhilarated, having the time of her life.

            “On the chariot?” Magnus points over, and Angus spares the briefest of moments to see that the boar is now on a wild path that will hopefully stay far, _far_ away from the Ram battlewagon while he’s driving.

            There is the sound of fighting and various impacts and pained reactions from the two cricket boarders, but Angus’s attention is very much on driving and Sloane’s battlewagon up ahead. He can see in his peripheral vision as the two cricket boarders are knocked off, safety harness bubbles quickly deploying. A moment later, Hurley lands lightly on the hood of the battlewagon.

            “Well, lucky I was here!” Magnus calls, and Angus snorts.

            “Yeah, it’s cool. I got it. I’m a very good monk.” Hurley says, seeming comfortable on the battlewagon’s hood. She’s a little hard for Angus to see around though.

            “Yeah, you’re a good monk and a good driver, but, uh, _who’s driving this wagon?_ ”

            “No shit I’m a good driver, and- oh, shit!” Hurley seems to realize that she’s left a child driving the battlewagon.

            In a moment, Hurley slips back into the battlewagon just as easily as she left. In the next, Angus finds himself shifted to the passenger side as Hurley accelerates just a little bit more. “Not bad, Angus.” She says approvingly. “You wanna do this full time in a few years?”

            “Wait, _Angus_ was driving?” Magnus ducks his head in, blinking at the pair of them. “You let Angus drive before you let _me_? I have vehicle proficiency!” Magnus complains, righteously indignant.

            “Have you forgotten that you were in the chariot, sir?” Angus asks.

            “Well, no.” Magnus pauses, considering. “Should I go back to the chariot?”

            “I mean, I could use you here where you can actually protect me and Angus and the wagon. Or you can keep bouncing around from wagon to wagon and fucking shit up; that’s cool, too.”

            “I’ll stick around.” Magnus decides after looking between the two of them.

            “At least until the next wagon gets close, right, sir?” Angus replies.

 

* * *

 

            Taako is still trying to figure out what’s up with the whole Klaarg situation, and specifically the showing up on a motorcycle to Klaarg ex machina this shit, when there is a thunderous boom from the shark tank, and the massive spear is launched with surprising speed for so great a projectile. Taako has a split second to think about how close it came to the motorcycle before there is the sound of metal tearing and canvas ripping as the spear embeds itself far into Hurley’s battlewagon. “Shit!” Taako can hear Hurley yell in response even from here. The Ram tries to outpace the shark tank and fails, the enormous cable pulling taut, yanking the wagon and sending the tires squealing. “Shit shit shit!” Hurley yells even more loudly in response at this development.

            And the bad news gets even worse, ‘cause the shark tank is closing the distance between the two vehicles.

            There’s a distinct “Fuck!” from a very fancy little boy as well.

            Taako is distracted from the shark tank, which had distracted him from the Klaarg sitch, when they pass by one of the black pylons. A horn sounds, different from the ones signaling that someone’s been knocked out of the race. It sounds more like… a warning siren. Taako has an instant to process this before a fiery beam shoots out of the now glowing red top of the pylon, firing straight at the motorcycle. Klaarg dodges it adeptly, but Taako’s got some suspicions now. Call it a hunch. Detective’s mentor’s intuition.

            “Woah! That seemed kind of rude! I wonder what caused that.” Klaarg says, still in that pleasant, unruffled voice.

            “Hey, Klaarg?” Taako asks. “Klaarg, are you _supposed_ to be in this race?” Taako’s pretty damn sure he already knows the answer, judging by the fiery death laser beam that got shot in their direction.

            “Well, uh, strictly speaking, no. I thought it would be dangerous for you and therefore hospitable of me to keep an eye on you! After all, we’re very good friends, and I don’t want anything bad to happen to you. But, uh, no, I’m not _supposed_ to be here, no fees paid or registrations signed off or anything like that. To be entirely fair though, it wasn’t like the course was blocked off. Anyone could come in if they really wanted to!”

            “Uh-huh, uh-huh, no, I get it, my dude.” Taako nods along as he studies Klaarg. The glazed eyes look familiar and speak to a spell being cast. But it’s the caster of the Charm Person spell who gets the effect. And the one who Klaarg rescued from most certain ouch-town is… Taako.

            And that makes no fuckin’ sense whatsoever.

            Taako files away that particular tidbit for now and changes the subject. “So, uh, Klaarg, while, while you’re here, how’s about we get as close to Hurley’s wagon as possible? The big Ram one?”

            “You got it, boss!” Klaarg says with a grin, while Taako leans over to finish off the now rider-less and Magnus-less boar chariot with Magic Missile. At the hit, the boar roars, nearly hitting both Ram battlewagon and Taako and Klaarg in the motorcycle before falling off to the side, the chariot itself quickly obliterated by the tank. The twelfth horn of the race sounds.

 

* * *

 

            “So, Garyl, are you, uh, gonna, you know, disappear out from under me never to be seen again, leaving me to plunge to certain death or at least maiming any time soon?” Merle asks. Certainly not nervously, no, why would Merle be nervous? “Because, you know, that’s _really_ not covered under the BoB insurance plan.”

            “Hell nah, man, got like… a whole 55 minutes until that happens. Remember? Plus, you know, Taako can just, uh, cast the spell again. We’re gooooooooood. Good like spectral ooooooooooooooats.”

            Merle breathes a sigh. Not of relief, mind you. “So, what if we take your magnificent binicorn horns, and we ram the tank.”

            “You got a short memory, short man?” Garyl tosses his head. “Spectral binicorn. Can’t do damage.”

            “Okay, okay. Just thought I’d ask. Woulda looked real cool, too.”

            “You sayin’ I don’t look cool right now?”

            “No, no, you’re plenty, plenty cool, Garyl.” Merle considers. “Hey, Garyl?”

            “Believe,” Garyl says in response, which, Merle doesn’t know what that’s actually supposed to mean, but that’s fine.

            “Get me to the cricket crate.”

            “Hell yeah!” Garyl’s words are the only warning before he leaps over the Ram-mobile far more dexterously than Magnus. Merle’s already got the Adamant Spanner at the ready and has Garyl approach the cricket with the glowing purple orb.

            “Smash that dipshit!” Taako yells from the motorcycle.

            “No shit, Taako! Fooooooooooooore!” Merle yells as he smacks the orb upward and out of the cricket’s hands. All three, Merle and Garyl and cricket watch as the orb soars onward and upward, no telling what direction it’ll actually land in.

            “Aww!” Merle hears from the now dismayed cricket.

            But while that cricket is sulking, the driver swipes inward toward them. And Garyl doesn’t dodge. Merle’s tossed up onto the cricket flatbed, bumping a few feet in ass first while Garyl, disappearing, calls out, “Thank you for believing! But really, I’ll be back soon. Just gotta cast the spell again. It’s cool. Exit stage Garyl, peace!” Meanwhile, the cricket is trying to take revenge for his lost magic toy and sinks a dagger into Merle. Which is definitely more painful than when Merle stabbed his own hand to bleed onto a map.

            He looks like he’s going to stab Merle again when the cricket himself gets stabbed. Or, sort of. Impaled with an arrow. All the same thing really. Merle’s a cleric; he’s allowed to say that.

 

* * *

 

            The warning siren sounds again as Taako and Klaarg pass by another pylon, giving them plenty of forewarning to dodge the death ray. But that also gives Taako, faced with a seemingly impenetrable tank and dwindling number of spell slots, an idea.

            “Hey, Klaarg? Can youuuuuuuuuu scoot over to the tank?” Taako draws out the question.

            “That seems dangerous. Are you sure about that?” Klaarg sounds concerned, but, uh, he probably shouldn’t be quite as concerned for Taako as for himself.

            “Oh, positively, my dude.” Taako agrees, and Klaarg reluctantly slows enough to pull close to the tank.

            “So, what’s the plan then? You have a plan, right? I’m worried now.”

            “Listen, Klaarg, listen. We’re buds, right? Buds for life?”

            “Absolutely yes, main dudes.” Klaarg nods vigorously.

            “Excellent. Now, would you mind hopping onto that tank for me?” Taako is absolutely 100% testing the limits of Charm Person right now.

            “What are you- what do you mean?”

            “Like, uh, you know how the lasers keep shooting at you and stuff? So, uh, I’d really love it if you could hop on the tank for me.”

            “That seems like it might be dangerous.” Did Klaarg’s eyes clear up? Is now the time to panic? Nah, Taako’s still good.

            “Yeah, a little bit!” Taako nods. “But like, we’re buds! Danger buds!”  
            “Of course, what am I saying?” Klaarg mocks slamming a palm into his forehead. “Danger is nothing between friends like us.”

            “Of course.” Taako agrees. “So, uh, I’ll take the reins now, if you wanna… scoot.”

            After some scrambling that is neither dignified nor coordinated, since the motorcycle is actually bugbear-sized and not Taako-sized, Klaarg is on the tank and Taako is driving the motorcycle. “So, what’s next?” Klaarg asks, still cheerful, if wary.

            “You just, you just _chill_ on it. And everything’s gonna be fine.”

            “Uh-huh.” Still skeptical. At least the charm spell is holding. That’s a bright side. Almost as bright as the death ray coming off of one of the pylons.

            “And, uh, if you just _happen_ to see the laser again, make sure you don’t get hit by it! But, uh, just make sure it hits the tank.”

            And with that, Taako speeds up and away from the tank, nearly ripped out of his seat as the motorcycle accelerates, leaving the bugbear behind. He’ll be fine. He’ll absolutely be fine.

            Besides. Taako has a score to settle.

            Taako watches with intense satisfaction as all three of his Scorching Rays hit their targets. “Peace out, psycho mantis!” He shouts as the cricket formerly in possession of the mind control orb is shot off the flatbed, bubble deployed but also very much on fire. Meanwhile, as far as the driver, Taako’s second target, goes, a drawn out horn from the flatbed answers the question of what happened to that guy. “Oh no,” Taako says, entirely unrepentant.

            A moment later the flatbed’s horn stops as Merle punts the driver out of their seat and out of the wagon. As their bubble deploys, another horn sounds.

            Which leaves them with just the shark tank.

            And then Sloane.

 

* * *

 

            From his place back on the Ram battlewagon, Magnus is finally able to get a good look at what’s going on. Hurley and Angus are still on board, which is the single reassuring thing about this. Garyl is gone, and Merle has managed to take over the now empty cricket wagon. Taako is on a motorcycle that he apparently got from Klaarg, who, for some reason, showed up for an impromptu and yet very much required rescue mission. Magnus waves at Klaarg from where he’s riding the shark tank. Which is, of course, the biggest problem. Magnus doubts there’s a bear anywhere in the plane with the strength to get the shark tank’s spear out of the battlewagon, and Magnus is only dressed as one.

            But he’s going to need to come up with something fast, as the Ram is quickly getting pulled into the shark tank’s gaping, jagged-toothed maw.

            As Magnus considers, for once valuing thought over action, they pass by another pylon. Specifically, the shark tank passes by the pylon. Even more specifically, _Klaarg_ passes by the pylon.

            As Magnus had only sort of noticed earlier, a fiery death laser shoots out of the top of the pylon straight at Klaarg. It hits the shark tank instead.

            The top of the tank slides back, leaving the cable attached but the enormous gun that fired the spear exposed. A pair of legs, from a body cleft in twain the short way, falls over. And as the tank’s top slides clean off, Magnus sees Klaarg slide off with it, rolling off into the dust as the metal hits the ground.

            “Good job, buddy!” Taako yells into the storm from the motorcycle to wherever Klaarg has disappeared to. “Thanks, dude!”

            Another voice gets Magnus’s attention. Apparently, not all of the Hammerheads had the misfortune of being caught by the laser.

            “Damn you guys! DAMN YOU GUYS!” Maarvey is fuming, irate, from his place in a captain’s chair. It practically looks like steam is coming out of his ears, but that may just be the broken tank. He reaches out to hit a lever that Magnus can unfortunately see quite clearly with the tank practically on top of the Ram. The cable pulls tighter, and the gap evaporates as the back of the Ram is lifted up to the whirling teeth. Magnus himself barely misses the impact as he stumbles back, and there are yells from Hurley and Angus as the back tires are lifted up.

            Far ahead, Sloane continues on, path unimpeded.

            It doesn’t seem fair that the over-powered racer hasn’t even had to _use_ that power the whole race to maintain the lead. That just makes Magnus feel bad about the job they’re doing.

            With the two vehicles way past way too close for comfort, Magnus can easily make the jump over to the shark tank. The scene he’s met with is pretty grisly, which he might feel worse about if Maarvey’s intent didn’t seem to be to kill them.

            Magnus brings Railsplitter down on Maarvey. There’s a snap from somewhere.

            Magnus then turns to the dashboard. There are a lot of buttons, and none of them are conveniently labeled, “Eject spear.” So he goes for the more Magnus approach and brings Railsplitter squarely down into the circuitry.

            The dashboard seems to explode, a shower of sparks shocking Magnus, as happens with some of his more head on approaches. But, like much of his previous rushing in, it still gets the right result: the lower jaw of the shark tank descends, loosing the cable and freeing the Ram wagon, which drops back to the ground with a _ka-chunk_ , safe and sound. Well, it still has a massive spear lodged in the back, but it’s important to cherish the small victories. Like avoiding imminent death by tank.

            Up ahead, past the freed Ram battlewagon, Magnus can see Taako on the motorcycle. And suddenly on a much larger motorcycle, moving much more quickly. That’s certainly not the most ergonomically friendly position to be driving in though.

            Meanwhile, Merle actually manages the jump back from another vehicle, landing safely inside (and hopefully not on top of Hurley or Angus) while the flatbed goes careening off into a sand dune. Magnus hopes that Hurley is going to prevent Merle from hitting the button he’s been eyeing since he sat down in the front seat and leaving him literally in their dust.

            Out of the corner of his eye, Magnus sees Maarvey move. He’s a bit too slow with Railsplitter to avoid the hammer’s hit to his knee entirely, but it probably hurts less than it otherwise would. Probably.

            Magnus counters with Railsplitter, and the last Hammerhead slumps over before sliding over the back of the tank, bubble deploying and carrying him further back, never to be heard from again.

            Magnus easily drops back down onto the Ram wagon just below him and braces himself.

            “Can I push the big damn button now?” He hears Merle complain.

            “Is everyone on the wagon, sir?” Angus says, too patiently, smile clear in his voice.

            “Oh for Pan’s sake-” Merle throws his arms up.

            “Taako, you good up there?” Hurley calls.

            “Yeah, you want us to win or what?”

            “I desperately, desperately want us to win!”

            “Can do! I got it!” Taako zips off ahead of them, and Hurley laughs.

            “I don’t think that’s how fantasy physics works.” Angus says, shaking his head.

            “Don’t worry about it, Ango.” Magnus ducks his head in as he clips himself back in to the railing.

            “So, _now?_ ” Merle asks, exasperated.

            “Let’s do this thing.” Hurley agrees, wild and excited grin on her face.

 

* * *

 

            It looks like someone just turned the Ram battlewagon into Faerun’s biggest Magic Missile. Taako watches as blue flames send the Ram, horns like wings and roaring louder than even the shark tank, rocketing forward.

            And then it’s a three way race for first, the finish line, marked by two black pylons, rapidly approaching. And the cliff’s edge shortly thereafter.

            Hurley and Sloane seem to have forgotten the latter fact, or, more likely, they just don’t care as they laugh uproariously and trade jabs as quickly as they trade the most microscopic of leads.

            “I’m just gonna fix this for everybody, nobody needs to worry, okay?” Taako calls. Neither Hurley nor Sloane notice. Neither Magnus nor Merle probably care. Magnus actually looks like he’s preparing to jump to Sloane’s Raven longboat. A small face with glasses under the mask pops up in the gunner compartment though, and Taako gives Angus a thumb’s up. “Okay!”

            Sloane has started to creep ahead. That’s going to change in about, uh, two seconds and a failed constitution saving throw though. Taako throws the emergency brake on the motorcycle and points the recently remembered Wand of Switcheroo straight at Sloane.

            Sure enough, suddenly it’s Sloane rapidly falling behind on the stalled motorcycle and Taako on the longboat pulling ahead of the Ram. And if you think he’s sharing this win with anyone, you’d be _really_ fuckin’-

            Angus crashes into the longboat, bumping and skidding a moment before stopping. “Uh, hello, sir.” He waves, looking a bit stunned.

            Not looking, Taako whips out the Gustmaster-5000 to blow Magnus back. “Nope!” He calls. Angus, having shaken off the impact of being thrown into the battlewagon, starts laughing. Taako grins, using the Gustmaster-5000 and cantrips to keep Magnus and Merle from joining them.

            “We’re a team! So let me win!” Merle calls out.

            “Maybe next time!” Taako yells back as they cross the finish line and what Taako estimates to be a metric fuckton of confetti drops onto them.

            “BRAKES!” Magnus and Angus shout, and near in unison, Taako and Hurley skid to a halt, surrounded by an adoring and cheering crowd.

            As Taako shakes some stray confetti off his hat, counseling Angus on glitter’s propensity to get and stay everywhere, he looks up to see Captain Captain Bane among the militia members, clapping along with the rest, knowing smile on his face.

            Hurley, Magnus, and Merle approach, shaking off a smaller amount of confetti. Taako conspicuously brushes the larger quantity of confetti off of Angus’s head and onto Merle.

            “We actually won.” Angus sounds astonished.

            “You expect anything else, Agnes?” Taako pauses, continues ruffling Angus’s hair, despite the fact that there’s no confetti left.

 

* * *

 

            Merle’s just starting to wonder if this thing comes with prize money (even though Taako and Angus got first, it was a team effort, right, guys?) when a distant roar gets a whole lot louder. Looks like Miss Fancy Pan Sash on the motorcycle has finally caught up.

            When he finally gets a good luck though, Merle’s mirth is tamped down. Sloane… does not look good. You don’t have to be a cleric to see that. She’s shaking, one hand holding her chest, which would be concerning enough on its own as a medical issue, but more pressing for everyone else is the bright blue lightning crackling around her form and shooting to the ground below. Where it strikes, more of those giant vines erupt, and Merle is shaking.

            Or, more specifically, the ground is violently shaking beneath Merle’s feet.

            And Sloane is most certainly not hitting the brakes, flying straight to the edge. Hurley shouts, “Sloane, NO!” just as the wheels leave the rock surface.

            There’s a moment as people rush to the cliff’s edge. And then they’re blown back by a fierce gust of wind that quickly coalesces into an enormous tornado, a lethal column the like of which Merle isn’t sure he’s ever seen. And it’s practically on top of Goldcliff.

            “So, uh, how’s the whole ‘beating her and she’ll give us the sash’ thing going?” Magnus quips, apparently not having taken in anything from that sensitivity training that they were all, ironically enough, bullied into taking.

            Hurley looks devastated, and something in Merle’s heart hurts. Moving slowly, methodically, and no longer caring, she takes off the Ram mask. There’s a chorus of gasps from the crowd. Guess it’s not every day a lieutenant of the militia outs herself as a winning battlewagon racer. Fine, almost winning.

            Magnus quickly follows. “I’ve been Magnus the whole time!” He proclaims. It gets a small laugh from Hurley, but the gasps are far less invested, given that no one here knows who the fuck Magnus is. Which gives Merle an idea.

            “And I’m Bruce Wayne!” He proclaims as he removes the owl mask.

            “I’m actually a mongoose.” Taako declares, keeping his mask on. Kid doesn’t take his off either. Too busy suddenly studying the shit out of the crowd.

            “Woah!” Magnus yells, and Merle turns to see Hurley strapping herself back into the driver’s seat of her battlewagon. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiit.

            “I’ve asked you boys for too much already. I can’t ask you to risk your lives again. But- but…” Magnus has bounded up onto the wagon before she can finish the sentence. Double shit. “We gotta try and save her, right?” Hurley asks Magnus, a watery smile on her face.

            “Oh, no, I just left my wallet.” Magnus replies while Angus now clambers up to join him. Kid slips, and Magnus, without even looking, reaches out to grab the kid by the shirt collar and raise him up onto the battlewagon. Triple shit. “But. Yes. Yes, we will.”

            “Thanks, sir.”

            “Don’t mention it, Ango. No, seriously, the Director’s gonna kill me for letting you on.”

            “I’d come anyway.”

            “Which is why I’m helping.”

            There’s some more scrambling, and then Taako is up on the Ram-mobile as well. Shit. Just… shit. “No adventure would be complete without Weaselman!” He says to Hurley, who has now moved on to laugh-crying.

            “Thank you, Weaselman.”

            There’s a beat, and then everyone is staring at a very uncomfortable Merle.

            “All right, all right. I’ll get in the wagon. Just let me fix some shit first.” Merle agrees under the unrelenting stares of four people and hefts up the Adamant Spanner. A few solid hits with the wrench and the Ram is once again spear-free and in pretty decent shape if you ask Merle, thank you.

            “Let’s go.” Hurley says decisively as Merle settles into the front seat again. Taako and Angus have returned to the no longer impaled gunner compartment, while Magnus is back in the back.

            “Are you sure you’re okay out there, sir?” Angus calls.

            “Of course! I’ve got vehicle proficiency!” Magnus says for the umpteenth time this adventure.    

            “You _do_ realize we’re about to drive into a tornado, right, sir?”

            “Wait, Taako needs a new harness!” Magnus shouts to Hurley.

            “None left!”

            “Aw, beans. Taako, take mine!” Magnus starts to undo straps.

            “No need! Mongeese can _fly_. With their mongeese wings.”

            “Are you sure you know what a mongoose is?” Merle asks. Hurley is laugh crying again. Merle hesitates before reaching over the center to pat her arm. She wipes the tears off her face, which is set now.

            Hurley backs up the battlewagon a couple hundred feet. And then she guns it.

 

* * *

 

            “What the hell are you doing!” Captain Captain Bane’s words are ringing in Angus’s ears as they go airborne, because, really, what _are_ they doing? What is _Angus_ doing? A small voice inside him answers: _the right thing_.

            And then they enter the tornado. Taako is slammed into the side of the gunner compartment, and Angus is slammed into Taako. From the yelps coming from outside, Magnus’s vehicle proficiency is not having the intended effect. Of course. And Magnus’s complaints are barely audible over the tornado winds and Hurley’s excited screaming from the front seat. At least someone’s having fun.

            And in the center of the tornado is a pillar of vines, bigger than the column that had formed in the elevator shaft several times over. Sloane is at the peak, encased up to her chest in vines. Her mask is gone, and even from here it’s easy to see that her skin has gone a mottled gray, her eyes glossed over.

            “We gotta get over there!” Hurley yells, in between woops.

            “You’re driving!”

            “This isn’t rainbow road; there’s nothing to drive on!”

            “Hurley, we’ve still got the harpoon!” Angus calls.

            “Yes! Good idea, Angus! Do that!”

            And Angus turns to Taako, who holds his hands up. “Listen, uh, you’re the one with the crossbow, Agnes. You go ahead and, uh, make that ranged attack. You’re gonna be fine.”

            “Gee, thanks so much, sir.” Angus goes to the harpoon though. Just an oversized crossbow. And very, very much oversized compared to Angus’s own crossbow. Right.

            Angus, breathing heavily behind the mask he’s still wearing, takes aim. Adjusts for the wind, the spinning. Fires.

            The harpoon cuts through the tornado, rope whipping in the wind behind it. It sinks into the pillar of vines just below the top.

            “Pretty sweet, Agnes.” Taako says.

            “Yeah. But I think now’s the hard part, sir.”

            And just like a fantasy tetherball, the Ram swings around and around and around, and Angus’s stomach is threatening a full scale revolution. And then they collide with the vine pillar.

 

* * *

 

            This isn’t Phandalin. It’s Goldcliff, or rather, a giant column of vines at the epicenter of a massive tornado outside of Goldcliff.

            Sloane isn’t on fire. She’s encased in vines up to her chest.

            But like Gundren Rockseeker before her, she is completely caught up in the thrall of a Grand Relic and has lost all control. And Taako has no idea how this could end in any way that could even remotely be called fine.

            “Hurley, what- what do we do? You know her.” Magnus asks, uncertainty and fear apparent in his voice.

            “I don’t… I don’t know her like this.” Hurley breathes out like the words hurt her. They probably do. “Maybe I never really knew her.”

            “No, Hurley. This isn’t her. We… we’ve seen this before. It’s not her.” Angus tries to reassure Hurley though Taako can see just how wide his eyes are as he looks at Sloane. Somewhere along the way through the tornado, he finally lost the fox mask, just as Taako took off his mongoose mask.

            “There is a way to find out for sure though.” Merle says, hopefully too quiet for Hurley to hear, and casts Zone of Truth. A familiar fuzz reverberates in Taako’s ears. And doesn’t dissipate. Well, at least it shouldn’t matter this time. He’s just not going to be able to reassure Hurley. Merle steps forward. “Sloane? How do we free you from the Sash’s possession?”

            Sloane opens her mouth. And it isn’t Sloane’s voice that comes out. “You cannot free your friend. There is no power greater than the power I possess now. I am absolute.”

            “What about love?” Magnus steps up, and, despite the more flippant tone he’s taken on, he’s careful to step in front of Angus when he steps up to join Merle.

            “What about Pan?” Merle asks.

            “Yeah, we haven’t heard from him in a while.” Taako agrees. And takes a step forward.

            “We could use some help right now.” Merle nods, looking at Sloane. Sloane doesn’t say anything, just points a finger.

            Taako can’t tell if the vine slithers down Sloane’s arm or simply explodes out from underneath her skin, but it hardly matters as the sickly green vine with near glowing, even more noxiously green thorns shoots outward. It whips across and scores them with the thorns, knocking the three of them ass over teakettle.

            Taako sees Angus’s very worried face upside down against a greenish sky. “Hey, Agnes,” Taako groans out. The expression on Angus’s face doesn’t change. “Don’t get hit.” Taako pulls himself up to sitting and sees, well, _not_ Sloane, because where Sloane is, or was, is now completely encased in vines. More and more fuse in, slowly amalgamating into a vine torso twenty feet high. It’s, uh, pretty fuckin’ terrifying.

            And then Taako looks at Hurley, devastation still clear on her face. “Hey. Listen.” He calls over the roar of the wind, the slithering of the vines. “We’re gonna have to blast the hell out of this thing.” He’s careful to avoid saying Sloane’s name. “You understand that, right? Like no hard feelings?”

            “Can you blast around her?” Hurley sounds desperate. Taako can’t blame her.

            “We tried to do it your way. It didn’t work.” Merle points out.

            “Does anyone have any Weed-Be-Gone?” Magnus asks, looking at the vine arms that are now forming.

            “I am Weed-Be-Gone!” Merle declares.

            “That wasn’t nearly as menacing as you thought it was going to sound.” Hurley replies.

            “And it didn’t make sense!” Magnus adds.

            “Yeah, sir. You’re kind of the opposite of Weed-Be-Gone. Unless you’re doing really, really badly at the nature cleric part of your job.”

            “I thought it was pretty cool.” Taako shrugs, running through spells in his head. Given how very much nonexistent the rest time between finishing the race and jumping off the cliff was, he’s short on options. And spell slots.

            “I. _Am._ Weed-Be-Gone!” Merle tries again.  
            “I guess that was better?” Hurley says.

            “Still inaccurate, sir.”

            “Yeah, you know… it still doesn’t work, does it?”

            “Okay, listen, Hurley. You saw us use a lot of cool powers, right?” Taako asks.

            “Yeah?” Hurley doesn’t know why he’s asking the question. But Taako has to make a point, and they’re rapidly running out of time as the whole plant monster forms.

            “Did you happen to see us rest after that, right? No? Then no arcane recovery, no recovery of any kind. We’re kinda short on options.” Still, it’s the head of the torso that Taako aims at, the place least likely to contain a half-elf all rogue thief battlewagon racer. But he’s not pulling any punches with the spells either, setting it ablaze with Fireball. “And that was my last spell!” Ash and smoldering chunks of vine immediately get swept away by tornado winds, and the now headless plant torso is still burning at the neck.

            As Taako watches the ensuing destruction, a bright white light envelops him. And not just him, Magnus and Angus and Hurley too. Merle is holding the Extreme Teen Bible aloft, looking triumphant, yelling, “I cast Prayer of Healing!”

            “Sir, you don’t need to announce that you’re casting the spell.”

            “Hush or I’ll forget you next time.”

            “Thanks, Merle!” Hurley is the most vocal in her gratitude.

            “You’re welcome.” Merle says to Hurley, eyeing them until the others mumble out thanks as well.

            Magnus is running straight into the vines even before Merle can finish the spell, yanking vines to the side like a cat with a ball of yarn. If the ball of yarn were a sentient monster at least. Magnus disappears inside, and after a moment, Taako hears laughter, ominous and dark from the thralled Sloane. But also laughter from Magnus.

            “Hey, you guys laughin’ in there?” Taako calls, while Angus shoots a Ray of Frost at the opening Magnus disappeared into. Trying to freeze the vines in place and preserve an escape route, Taako notes.

            “Yeah! Come on in!”

            “Or maybe you both can come back out?” Angus says, and Taako can hear the nervous edge hiding in his voice. “Like, now?”

            “Ango, what have I told you before? It’ll be-” Vibrant green vines break past frostbitten ones, quickly occluding the opening Magnus made, like it was never even there. And as Magnus screams, all the color drains from Angus and Hurley’s faces. A cloud forms over the top of the torso, rain extinguishing the remaining flames, while vines reform the head.

            Taako really shouldn’t have been focusing so much on the head.

            Arms covered with thorns big enough to make the Umbra Staff look like a toothpick swipe at him and Merle, sending them both staggering.

            Hurley looks between them, at the wrong end of a weed whacker; at Angus, wand out and hand shaking; and at the base of the torso, where Magnus is now trapped.

            And she jumps over the side of the vine pillar.

            It’s cool though. She reappears just a few moments later, the arcane core glowing a brilliant blue, cutting through the green light and greener glow of the vines. She approaches Taako. “You ready to do some pruning?” She says, before smashing the core onto the semi-solid vine platform.

            Translucent blue flecks like fireflies gently float in the air in front of Taako for a moment before the Umbra Staff jumps, inverting to consume them. In a moment it’s shaking with arcane power, rather like a college student who’s just consumed some kind of quad shot clusterfuck during finals week. And it’s not just the Umbra Staff, Taako too feels that power thrumming in his blood and bones.

            “Okay.” And Taako points the Umbra Staff at the base this time, straight where Magnus disappeared. He’s trying not to think about how there’s no screaming now. The Gaia Sash probably just needed a break from hitting him. Right.

            Taako casts Fireball, just like before.

            Except not just like before.

            As Taako channels the spell, fire accumulates at the tip, whipping up steadily into a massive fiery orb. It doesn’t shoot outward though, when Taako expects it too. With the Umbra Staff nearly vibrating and hot with pure arcane power from the core, Taako channels a power far greater than he’s ever wielded, far greater than most wizards could wield. “Who’s up for some sun-dried dipshit!” And he blasts the vine monster with all the force of the sun.

            Angus and Hurley look away. Merle clasps his hands over his eyes. Taako… he’s never done this before, and yet somehow it feels strangely… familiar.

            As the light slowly dims, Taako can see that the whole of the vine creation has gone gray, turned to ash, to be quickly caught up on the wind. He can see Magnus, looking like he’s been electrocuted and stabbed. Possibly at the same time. And beyond Magnus he can see Sloane, still very much thralled and very much unfazed. “Impressive!” She says in that voice that does not belong to her, and more vines spring up.

            These ones are different though, just as different from the first ones as Taako’s exploding star of a fireball differed from the initial. These vines are an unnatural inky black, the sort of plant screaming of decay and death. They’re offset by bone white thorns, equally as foreboding.

            Hurley gasps and sprints forward, yanking a slowly rising Magnus backward by his belt. There’s a hiss from Merle as well, a hiss to get back because-

            “Guys, be careful! Be careful!” Hurley near shouts, panicked. “That’s silverpoint; it’s cursed! There’s no cure- if you get touched by that, there’s no surviving it!”  
            “Stay away from it.” Merle warns, not even a shadow of joy in his voice as he eyes the plant, cautiously but quickly moving backward. He nudges a frozen Angus into moving too.

            And Sloane is gone, enveloped in death itself.

            “Guys, I have… I have one last idea. But we’re gonna need as much distance between her and us as possible if we’re gonna make this work.” They all retreat, close to the edge of the platform. Hurley, surprisingly, is smiling now, the devious sort of expression that means she’s exceptionally pleased with whatever idea she’s concocted. She reaches out, pats Angus on the cheek. “You’re doing great. Couldn’t have made it this far without you.” But then she turns to Taako. “Okay, Taako? I need you to kneel down.”

            “…Okay?” Taako kneels, a little bit unsteady after the grievous bodily harm and the adrenaline rush of the second Fireball. And Hurley pounces on him, throwing her arms around him in a hug. “Okay. I’m into it.” Taako says as he returns the hug.

            “Thanks for everything.” He hears Hurley whisper quietly, contentedly, resolutely. And then she pushes Taako back.

            It takes an instant to realize what’s different, that Hurley is no longer wearing her safety harness. The safety harness that she quickly strapped Taako into. Hurley claps her hands together, points it at the four of them, blasting them backward into the storm, shielded as their bubbles deploy. As they’re caught up in the winds, Taako can still see Hurley, a determined smile on her face, clap her hands together again.

            And then she turns, to face the death that has been slowly creeping forward toward them the whole time. And Hurley runs, glowing a brilliant white, to meet it.

            They’re spinning, faster and faster in the tornado, but Taako can still see as the black vines are illuminated from within by that brilliant white light, shimmering outward into the tornado itself and all around.

            And then everything is black.

            Taako comes to feeling distinctly more… wet than is preferable. That would probably be because he’s lying in some kind of oversized puddle. As he sits up, he sees that Magnus, Merle, and Angus are all nearby, all slowly waking up as well.

            And beyond them, in the center of the pool at the Goldcliff City Center, is Sloane, looking distinctly better and less thralled. And absolutely distraught.

            Taako’s on his feet in a moment, splashing forward, the others right behind. Sloane is holding Hurley in her arms. And Hurley… does not look good. Black tendrils mark the path the poison is taking through Hurley’s veins, taking effect far, far too quickly.

            Panic courses through Taako’s own veins. This is very familiar and very, _very_ wrong.

            His ears twitch, and he processes the sound of sirens of Goldcliff militia battlewagons racing toward them. Just as quickly as Hurley’s heart is surely racing, trying to outpace the poison and save herself. Just as quickly as Taako’s heart is certainly racing.

            He wasn’t at fault last time, not entirely. He knows that now. He still blames himself. And he blames himself now.

            “You’re in trouble…” Hurley teases Sloane, love and contentment still shining on her face.

            Sloane laughs, the sort of laugh you give when it’s that or a sob, and says, voice low, “This whole time I was looking for something more powerful than this fucking belt!” She shakes her head, eyes locked on Hurley. “I’m such a fool!”

            “Haha, yeah.” Hurley replies, smile still present but fading at the edges, just as her voice is.

            Taako’s mouth suddenly catches up with the situation, trying to find a way out, a way for this to be fine, as much as he’d doubted it earlier. He whirls on Merle. “Don’t you have any magics? You’re a cleric for cryin’ out loud!”

            “Me?!” Merle jumps, put on the spot. And without a solution. Taako turns again.

            “Agnes. Come on. There’s gotta be _something_.” For once, Angus doesn’t have an answer. Magnus pauses before setting a hand on Angus’s shoulder. Taako can see Angus’s eyes shining behind his glasses. He turns away again. He’ll be fine. It’ll be fine. They just have to fix this.  
            “This is- silverpoint is- there’s nothing we can do for her.” Sloane’s voice reaches Taako’s ears, twitching with rage and most certainly not grief, no way, my dude, not grief because this isn’t going to happen this time. Taako turns one last time, back to Hurley and Sloane.

            “Horseshit!” He spits.

            “Well, there’s-”

            “HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORSESHIT!” Taako yells, hands clenching into fists.

            “There’s one thing I can do for her.” Sloane leans in and whispers something even Taako’s keen elven ears can’t pick up.

            “Yeah, I think that’d be alright.” Hurley replies, eyes fluttering, seemingly fighting to stay open.

            Sloane takes in a shaky breath, exhales, looking up. “I want to thank you for everything you’ve done. But I have one last request for you. Are there… are there other objects in this world as powerful as this belt?”

            “Yeah.” Taako says.

            “Yes.”

            “Uh huh.”

            “There are.”

            Sloane looks at them, imploring. “Don’t let this happen again.”

            There’s another flash of blinding light, another wave of force that knocks them backward. But this one is different, no malice in it. And when Taako opens his eyes again, it’s to clouds of soft pink petals floating outward from an enormous cherry blossom tree. The knots and whorls at the roots form two humanoid figures, the taller carefully cradling the smaller figure. And a few feet closer than that, lies the Gaia Sash between two masks: a Raven and a Ram.

 

* * *

 

            The cherry blossom tree is beautiful. Of course it is. Merle watches the petals drift through the air, just trying to understand. How to reconcile both the peace and the sorrow of this moment. How Merle, a nature cleric, couldn’t even do anything to try and stop it, because of nature. How Pan could allow such a thing like silverpoint to exist, to give someone no chance at revival or redemption. And above all, trying to understand why and how someone could make something like this, something capable of taking nature itself, impartial on its own, wielded with love by Pan, and using it to bring about so much destruction.

            Magnus nudges Taako and points at the Sash. Taako nudges Magnus. Magnus nudges Angus. Angus pokes Taako. Taako pokes Magnus and uses Angus as an armrest. Magnus nudges the both of them. They pause a moment. Taako steps forward, sloshing through the water and breaking the spell. Taako also looks, in Merle’s professional opinion, like crap. He reaches for the Gaia Sash before going rigid.

            “S-sir?” Angus’s voice is small, childish, and full of tears. Something Merle recognizes, something that hurts him. Taako doesn’t respond.

            What’s happening clicks. Angus staggers back a step. Magnus lunges forward. Merle dives for the belt. Merle faintly hears the sound of a fist connecting with an elven head, a splash as Taako drops, but, uh, he’s got _other_ problems to worry about right now.

            “Oh, you, Nature Cleric! I should have come to you first! My bad, man! Now, c’mon, put me on!” It’s… tempting. Merle looks to the cherry blossom tree again. “There’s no vine you’ll never be able to not fuck!” It loses points as Merle has to count out the triple negative. “I’ll give you sexual conquests over anything. What, you want to fuck an onion?”

            “I don’t need your help, pal. I can fuck any onion I want!”

            And then Merle unceremoniously dumps the Gaia Sash into his fanny pack.

            Merle turns to see that Magnus and Angus have gotten Taako back to his feet. Taako gives him a wry smile. “Can’t believe that hideous thing is good for something.”

            “And the fanny pack, too, sir.” Angus adds on, giving a small hiccup partway through.

            “Hey!” Merle objects. Taako laughs, and both of the traitors high five Angus.

            Of course that’s when the cops show up.

            Battlewagon brakes screech as the militia slam into place, surrounding them. More than a few militia members jump out of their vehicles, drawing weapons ranging from clubs to crossbows to creepy curling swords that appear to have actual mouths.

            But then another battlewagon roars into the space, dramatically sliding into a stop a lot closer to them, and Captain Captain Bane climbs out. “Boys, don’t worry, I got this one! These four are with me!” It feels distinctly like they’re being arrested even as Captain Captain Bane whispers, “C’mon, I’ll get you guys to safety.”

            It’s silent in the backseat as the wagon rumbles back to life. As they leave, none of them look back at the cherry blossom tree. Petals still drift by the battlewagon’s windows as they go.

 

* * *

 

            Captain Captain Bane’s office is like a lot of militia offices that Angus has been in. Lots of paperwork and files, organized, a few rich touches (maybe more than a few, because this is _Goldcliff_ , Angus remembers with a bit of disgust). He’s trying not to judge, really, since Captain Captain Bane is a coworker, even in the same department. The Director trusts him, Angus notes as he surveys Captain Captain Bane, sitting behind his desk, fingers steepled, surveying them back just the same.

            “Boys, I gotta ask: what happened out there?”

            “…Nothing?” Merle offers.

            “Out where?” Magnus says. Apparently none of them actually want to talk about it. Hurley diving head first into the silverpoint vines flashes into view in Angus’s mind. It’s really with good reason that they don’t.

            “Like seven episodes of stuff happened, man,” Taako says.

            “That’s not… what even is that metric?” Captain Captain Bane sounds frustrated.

            Eventually, with a lot of pulling and prodding and silence from Angus, the Reclaimers hash out an explanation of the events of the past day, at points missing some details (notably the near murders of the Hammerheads) and embellishing some stunts from the race (Taako had _not_ gotten the gold on his dive off the Ram battlewagon).

            Which brings them to the final battle.

            “So what happened to Lieutenant Hurley?” Angus remembers Hurley’s face, the sly grin over her idea.

            “Uh… tree,” Magnus says.

            “She got limbed, man.” Merle shrugs.

            Captain Captain Bane looks between the four of them, mystified. “What does that _mean_?” It’s Angus’s turn to shrug. The Goldcliff City Center, now filled with a towering cherry blossom tree, appears in his head. It’s an improvement, at far too great a cost.

            “She’s a tree!” Two masks half-submerged in the pool, along with the Gaia Sash.

            “Yeah, but _we’re_ okay!” Merle doesn’t look it though, not entirely. Angus can tell now.

            “We’re fine!” But Magnus is drumming his fingers on Captain Captain Bane’s desk, unable to hold still.

            “We’re great!” Merle wouldn’t have been able to say that under his own Zone of Truth.

            Captain Captain Bane either doesn’t realize or doesn’t care though. “Did you secure the Grand Relic?” For the first time, even ignoring his inherent suspicion toward Goldcliff and anyone in a position of authority there, Angus feels a twinge of… unease. Did Captain Captain Bane’s eyes just flash to Merle’s fanny pack rather than Merle himself?

            “Yes.” All four answer.

            “It was touch and go for a second?” Taako says.

            “A few minutes.” Angus adds, still watching Captain Captain Bane, the leaden feeling inside him momentarily put to the side.

            After a moment or two of banter about BoB employees and Debra’s vacation, Captain Captain Bane has another question. “I gotta ask you guys somethin’. You’ve recovered three of these things now.” Another rapid glance to Merle. “How do- how do you manage to resist the thrall of ‘em? Ya know?”

            “Oh, we’re pretty dumb.”

            “Dense.”

            “Dumb as a box of rocks.”

            Angus doesn’t reply, detective’s intuition not whispering but screaming. But how to warn his friends that something isn’t right?

            “That’s… interesting. That’s interesting. Well.” Captain Captain Bane reaches underneath his desk, pulling out a crystal decanter (nice, but not _too_ nice) full of some unappealing brown liquid that, when it sloshes around as he sets it on his desk, seems a little too viscous. Five glasses follow. A quick glance at Angus, and Captain Captain Bane fills one of them with water before filling the remaining four with the brown stuff.

            He passes out the glasses before settling back into his seat. “A toast to Lieutenant Hurley. The bravest officer I ever worked with. In the force. I’m getting too old for this shit.”

            “Yeah, I hope her memory never leafs you.” Taako grins slowly, but his ears are perked up in a way that is anything but relaxed.

            “Nice, nice.” Magnus approves, swishing the liquid around in his glass but bringing it no closer to his mouth.

            “Got right to the root of the problem that did.” Merle’s holding the glass carelessly in his non-dominant bracered arm, tilting it to the point where the liquid could almost dribble out to stain the bare floorboards.

            “It was a tree-mendous joke, if I do say so myself.” Taako raises a hand to his chest, puffing up.

            Angus feels himself start to grin, but he’s still watching Captain Captain Bane cautiously. He makes no move to raise the glass of water. “Good effort at branching out, sir.”

            “Bark!” Magnus near yells, all volume and no subtlety.

            “There’s a dog in here!” Merle says, pretending to look around for the source.

            “No, sir, we can’t bring it back to the moon.” Angus says to Magnus, who counters with a fake pout.

            Captain Captain Bane is still looking at them expectantly. “So, uh, a toast then? Like… I said my shit. What, have you guys never toasted before?”

            “Ooh, marshmallows!” Merle sounds excited.

            “I like toast.” Magnus grins, eyes crinkling up around well-established laugh lines.

            “Listen, Agnes is like a baby, so he probably hasn’t.”

            “I definitely have, sir.”

            “Then you should know that it’s bad luck to not drink after a toast.” He’s starting to sound agitated. Angus fidgets in his seat.

            “I’m not really thirsty, ol’ buddy.” Merle says, and Angus, Taako, and Magnus chorus their agreement. Captain Captain Bane only looks more upset.

            “But that’s, that’s a 30 year old brandywine.” Angus glances at the glasses again. “This is really rare stuff, and-”

            Angus interrupts, matter-of-fact, “Wrong color, wrong consistency.”

            “Magnus, kill him.” Merle is equally matter-of-fact.

            “Just fucking drink it!” Captain Captain Bane near yells, and Angus pulls back in his seat. He sees Taako move, cast Charm Person.

            It doesn’t work. It should have worked though. But it’s not… it wasn’t Captain Captain Bane that did it. A faint red glow surrounds him a moment later, and Captain Captain Bane stands, jerkily, as though unused to his own body.

            “Yo, Bane, my dude, what’s up?” Magnus asks, the flippant words at odd with his tone and the look in his eyes.

            Captain Captain Bane doesn’t respond. He throws his own glass to the floor. He throws himself across the table to yank Angus’s glass out of his hand and throw it to the floor as well. Then he walks, still clumsily, around and repeats the process with Taako and Merle before grabbing Magnus’s glass. This one he tosses back, downing it in an instant. And instants later, the now familiar poison makes its effects known. Captain Captain Bane drops to the ground, dead. The empty crystal glass clunks down with him and rolls across the wooden floor. Angus sees that rather than hears it, because he’s too busy staring at the outline of a person that left Captain Captain Bane’s body at the same time life did. Featureless, a mystery, all of their secrets hidden behind a spectral bright red robe.

            Angus jolts up, the connection immediately snapping into place in his mind. Magnus attempts to punch the figure, fist passing through as though the figure is little more than mist. A sharp smell, like cold and decay, hits Angus’s nostrils.

            Angus is a very brave boy. He’s faced down murderers and monsters and total devastation and Magnus’s puppy dog eyes. He’s also a very smart boy. Whoever stands -floats- before him is inhumanly powerful. And no doubt just as dangerous. Where only concern had been when faced with Captain Bane, cold fear blooms like a silverpoint flower in the gloom, just as it had when Angus was faced with the Grand Relics. But that makes sense. After all, this being helped make them.

            Perhaps it’s that they sense Angus’s feelings. “Are you afraid?” The red robe asks, voice a hoarse whisper. Perhaps they just want to instill more.

            “What?” Magnus doesn’t sound afraid, certainly not in the same way he’d admitted to after the fight at the bank nor as he did during their last one.

            “Hm?” Merle just sounds vaguely perplexed.

            “Yeah?” Taako answers in the affirmative but sounds noncommittal at most. His ears are pulled back the smallest bit though, especially as he glances to the body on the floor, surrounded by shards of crystal.

            “I think he’s talking to you, kid.” Merle says to Angus, who gives half a shrug in response before pushing his glasses up his nose again.

            “Maybe you, Taako?”

            Taako declares, “I have never been frightened a day in my life.”

            “Well, I couldn’t hear. What did you say?” Magnus tries.

            “Are you afraid of the dark?” They ask, ignoring the answers. The Director’s words about bringing back any red robes that they encounter drift in from the back of Angus’s mind as the red robe drifts in closer. Somehow he doubts that will happen.

            “Like in general or-?” Magnus trails off.

            “Could you maybe project a little more?” Merle asks, digging some earwax out of his ear now, but Angus hardly thinks that’s necessary. The red robe might be whispering, but the whispers are loud, piling in on each other and echoing, filling the room with sound.

            “Or maybe they’re just projecting. Like, listen, maybe _they’re_ afraid of the dark.” Taako says.

            “Oh, don’t be afraid of the dark!” Magnus says. “Listen, Taako and Merle both have Darkvision, and Angus has… Hey Ango, what kinda glasses did you get out of the gachapon?”

            “Goggles of Night, sir.” Angus’s voice doesn’t sound quite right, but at least it’s there. That’s an improvement.

            “Are you afraid?” They repeat the question, the whispered words resonating in Angus’s ears.

            “No.” Taako says.

            “Yes?” Angus answers, voice squeaking a hair.

            “I mean, sometimes.” Magnus splits the difference.

            “Yeah, I mean, I think we all are, it’s natural-” Taako says.

            “You know, you get lonely, and it’s like what if I never meet the right person or what if I _lose_ the right person, and oof, there’s a lot to worry about. You know what I mean?” Magnus mimes out weighing the different issues.

            “You do not know how to be afraid.” The red robe tells them.

            “Well, probably not.” Merle admits. “I mean, if it’s a smartness thing…”

            “Speak for yourself, sir.” Magnus snorts at Angus’s answer, unclenching a hand to ruffle his hair.

            “Well, Agnes was the only one to actually say it.”

            Again, the red robe ignores their commentary and extends out an arm, shrouded in illusory crimson fabric. “Gundren Rockseeker. Magic Brian. Jenkins. Sloane. Captain Bane.” Their faces appear as illusions over where the figure’s hand should be, hidden under the robe. And their faces not as they appear normally. Magic Brian, Jenkins and Captain Captain Bane on a frenzied attack in pursuit of Relics they’d never gained. Gundren and Sloane having lost all control to the Relics in their possession. It’s a sobering reminder. “That is the true nature of man. The want, the hunger, it consumes everything it touches, it can’t be stopped or changed. It’s the end of everything.”

            The figure appears to stop to draw in a breath, though Angus suspects they don’t need to. “This is your first lesson.”

            Angus, shuddering, decides he much prefers Taako’s.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there!
> 
> IT'S FINALLY HERE! I'm pretty pleased with this chapter, which, yes, it's again my longest to date (and will hopefully actually hold that title for a bit PLEASE). It's been something I've been looking forward to for ages, so I hope you've enjoyed it as well. And hey! HEY! This fic is over 100k! If you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go scream because howst the fuck did I manage that?!
> 
> I'm going to be writing for Taakitz week for the next week or so, but I still expect to have Chapter 10 for the Lunar Interlude up October 12!
> 
> Comments maintain my eternal youth, please and thank you and much love. As always, to leave a message after the beep, hit me up at [charmandhex](https://charmandhex.tumblr.com)


	10. Angus McDonald, Hider and Seeker

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aw beans, it’s time for a shakeup at the BoB! And time for our heroes to shake off what happened last time! Of course, it’s not going to be that easy.
> 
> Merle adds some accessories. Magnus gets a friend, a deal, and regrets. Angus wants to hide. Taako makes some sandwiches.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Content warning: this one discusses blood and death (the former in more detail than usual), so if that makes you uncomfortable, skip the section that starts with Angus walking. The next (last) section will be fine to read without it.

            It’s quiet in the glass sphere as they slowly float back up to the moon base. Not for the first time, Taako looks around at his companions. Magnus is fidgeting, has been the whole ride up. Earlier Taako had thought about snapping at him that he was shaking the whole damn sphere. He hadn’t though. Merle’s posture is relaxed, and he’s flipping through the Extreme Teen Bible as though it were an inflight magazine, resting on the hideous fanny pack currently housing the Gaia Sash. But he’d also worked a couple cherry blossom flowers into his beard as they rose over Goldcliff. And then Angus. Angus is watching the world below as they float onward and upward. Just as he’d done after Phandalin.

            Taako turns his head back forward, a frown on his face.

            When they pass through the portcullis and then the dark tunnel that leads up to the hanger, after a moment of blinding bright light, Taako sees a much larger crowd than last time. Though last time, it had just been Avi, so that isn’t saying much.

            The crowd of BoB employees is just as silent as the four of them as they disembark. But then it seems like a switch flips, and the whole lot of them, something like 40 people, bursts into uproarious applause. The showman in Taako reacts, and he gives them a performer’s smile. Merle is grinning and waving as well, and Magnus is throwing fantasy finger guns. They did manage to reclaim another Relic after all.

            “Guys! That was amazing! We were watchin’ all of that! The whole battle wagon race, that was the most exciting, most thrilling thing I’ve ever seen!” Avi near shouts.

            “Did you see the part where I went to the bathroom before the race?” Magnus sounds worried, but Taako knows him well enough to hear the joke in his voice and to see the way his eyes are crinkling up at the corners. Fuck, when did he start actually caring about these people enough to see shit like that? Taako’s ears perk up at the thought. Probably just hella perceptive from being all on edge from the, uh, poison incident like ten minutes ago.

            “Uh, no.”

            “You were all watching through the pylons, sir? The, uh, the Director said something like that… during the race.” Angus fidgets, pushes his glasses up his nose. Avi doesn’t notice.

            “Yeah, through the pylons! We saw it all!”

            “Taako, with, with, the binicorn? And then the motorcycle? Who was the bugbear though?” Taako hears Killian call.

            “That was some very impressive work with that spanner, Merle.” The voice comes from the same place as a distinctive plume of smoke, a plume that signifies that Boyland is on the moon base again, rather than visiting his many children.  
            “Magnus, you kept jumping around and kicking ass like, like that was practically on rogue level sometimes. Nice!” Carey cheers.

            “And Angus! You _drove_ , nice job!” Avi holds his hand up for a high five, not noticing that Angus’s returning hand is half-hearted at the most.

            “Shouldn’t we have gotten paid for that?” Merle says, scratching at his chin through his beard. Or readjusting a cherry blossom. Hard to tell. “We didn’t sign anything about streaming the race.”

            “Yeah, they’ll be hearing from our fantasy lawyers!”

            “Sir, it was illegal battlewagon racing. We’ll be lucky if we don’t get in trouble with FIRS.” Angus tells Magnus.

            “Sounds like a future us problem, Agnes.” Taako replies.

            “I mean, everybody does their taxes, right?” Avi looks between them for a moment, and Taako isn’t sure that any of them have ever filed their taxes once. Maybe Angus. “Oh! Right, right. The Director wanted to see you in her chambers, like, immediately! So you can dispose of the Relic. And, uh, probably want to get there as soon as possible. She seemed a bit… upset.”

            “She’s not the only one,” Merle huffs, drumming his fingers against that hideous fanny pack.

            After accepting more congratulations, high fives, and a solemn thumbs up from Boyland, they make their way over to the central dome, still receiving congratulations along the way from seemingly everyone who hadn’t been in the hangar.

            The Director is standing stiffly on her dais at the end of the hall, and Taako gets the feeling that if she weren’t striving for gravitas and professionalism, she’d have been pacing a hole in the floor straight through the moon until she fell through the damn thing. And she’s never been the friendliest boss, but she seems even more on edge than usual. “Do you have the belt?”

            “Yeah?”

            “Uh-huh.”

            “Yes.”

            “Do _you_ have the belt?” Magnus responds, a mix between accusatory and joking. Something the Director doesn’t seem to have the patience for.

            She sighs, pinching the bridge of her nose with her shoulders drooping, looking for the moment so much older than her years, before straightening again. “Davenport!” She calls, and the gnome walks out, or rather, wheels out another of the massive iron spheres for Relic disposal.

            Merle takes the Gaia Sash out of his fanny pack. Taako hears a small sniffle and turns toward Angus. And that’s all the warning he gets before a small human figure collides with his abdomen. And unlike the last time this happened, it’s not because Angus is happy. Taako still slides an arm around him, attempting to comfort him, he would guess. Taako doesn’t know how to do this; he’s never had someone there for him. And this is different from Phandalin, when they’d all been in shock, and different from the Rockport Limited, where, really, aside from the two murders, nothing all that bad had happened. This is somewhere in between, and it’s just…

            Sad.

            Taako hums something only half-remembered, thinking that at least it’s good that Angus feels like he can go to them for help. Already a step up from where Taako was. That’s probably why he doesn’t say anything when he feels pinpricks of wet on his shirt.

            And it’s satisfying watching Merle chuck the stupid thing into the ball to be destroyed. As soon as the door closes, Taako feels the weight of the day, if not lift, at least shift. And feels an involuntary smile on his face as Davenport inexplicably winks at Merle before wheeling the thing off.

            Merle is surprisingly flustered through the destruction of the Relic, too, and it’s Taako and Magnus’s subsequent ribbing that finally gets Angus to extract his face from Taako’s midsection, straightening his glasses and offering a quip of his own. Still not great, but progress.

            The Director seems bummed out as well. And Taako has no idea why; she’s not a 10 year old detective who saw two people die and turn into a tree. Or any one of three chucklefucks who saw the same thing. Taako knows that Magnus saw it on her face as well when he rushes in, arms open for one of those trademark spine-crushing Burnsides hugs. The Director wisely holds up a hand, warding Magnus off.

            “Offer’s on the table. Open invite.” He gestures with his arms again, and she shakes her head. “Fine. Not gonna waste a perfectly good hug. Ango?” Magnus is probably better at hugs than Taako anyway, Taako thinks, flicking his ears as though that can flick the annoying buzzing thought away.

            “I saw the race.”

            “We know. You called.” Taako says.

            “Right. We’ll get to that in a moment.” She responds tightly before seeming to force herself to loosen up, drawing herself upward to her full height. “It was both unconventional and impressive. Which might as well be the catchphrase for most of your work.”

            “Mm-hmm, yes.” Magnus nods, having released Angus.

            “To be fair, ma’am, regarding the race… it likely was the best way to, um, distract Sloane.”

            “Sloane?”

            “The Raven. That’s her- that was her name.” Angus’s face falls again.

            “I see.” The Director nods. “Now. I need to know something, and I need for you to tell me the truth.”

            “Okay,” Taako responds with a shrug, not caring one way or the other. What’s she going to do, somehow know if they decide to lie?  
            Apparently Merle thinks so. “I cast Zone of Truth!” He shouts, excited by the use of his favorite spell.

            “No, he doesn’t.” Taako cuts him off hastily. It’s always good to at least have the option to lie to your employer.

            “No, I don’t.” Merle keeps the same tone in his voice though as he closes the Extreme Teen Bible.

            “Do you even have the spell slots for that, sir?”

            “Probably!”

            “I need to know what happened in Captain Captain Bane’s office.” There’s an instant shift in the atmosphere.

            “Oh… that.” Magnus’s voice goes dark.

            “That was… crazy.” Taako says.

            Angus shivers. Merle crosses his arms as though defending the fanny pack, even though the Gaia Sash is long gone. Or perhaps he’s just defending the fanny pack from Taako’s wrath.

            “Right right right. Right. Is there any place we can go without any… prying ears?” Magnus looks around suspiciously, as though there might be spies on the secret moon base that no one outside of the BoB knows about. Then again, who knows what that red robe can do?

            “Anything you say in front of me, you can say in front of - Davenport.” Her voice catches before the gnome’s name.

            “Oh, it’s not that I don’t trust Davenport, just… everyone else.” Magnus gestures vaguely around them.

            “Fine. Uh, follow me.” Angus is the only one of the four of them who seems to know where they’re going as they follow the Director through a door behind the dais, though it’s pretty obvious when they enter an office. “Please, tell me everything.” The Director says once they’ve all settled in.

            Taako, lounging in the seat he’d claimed the moment they’d walked in, ignores this in favor of looking around. After a quick glance at the Director, Taako discreetly casts Detect Magic. Naturally, the four of them light up like Candlenights bushes, which is to be expected at this point, natch. Some of the artifacts around the room glow, too, and the Director herself lights up, her staff most brightly of all. But, surprisingly, it’s something behind that staff, behind the Director at her desk, that gets Taako’s attention. The portrait of the Director is a good one, though giant portrait doesn’t 100% seem like the Director’s style, but, hey, who is Taako to judge?

            The portrait is also magic as hell. Taako squints, eyes tracing over the illusion spells on the painting. Unfortunately, he can’t tell much more than that, could be a doorway, could be a fake image, could be dogs playing fantasy poker for all Taako knows. Well, probably not the last one, considering the Director’s feelings about dogs on the moon.

            “Captain Captain Bane escorted us away from the Goldcliff City Center-”

            “She knows that part.” Merle interrupts Angus.

            “Context, sir. We went with him up to his office. As you know, Merle had the Gaia Sash at this point.”

            “Yeah, and _you’re welcome_.” Merle huffs. Taako wonders if he should interrupt and keep the story straight. His eyes jump back to the Director’s staff. It might even be brighter than the Umbra Staff.

            “Merle, please,” The Director says.

            “Anyway, he poured us all some booze-” Magnus jumps in.

            “Water for Agnes,” Taako does interrupt, attention snapping off the spell.

            “Right, water for Ango. Then he tried to get us to toast to Lieutenant Hurley-”

            “-She’s the reason we were able to get the Gaia Sash at all-” Angus adds in.

            “-Right, and _then_ we didn’t wanna toast it-”

            “He was very insistent about it though.”

            “Right, he got, mm, a little cranky. Then Taako tried to cast Charm Person, but that just bounced right off.”

            “And listen, it was not because he passed that Wisdom saving throw.” Taako says, not about to let his magic skills be besmirched.

            “Like I was saying, it just bounced right off. Then he got up, slammed everyone’s drinks on the ground and pounded the last one, which was poisoned.”

            “They were all poisoned, sir.” Angus’s voice is quiet, gentler than theirs as he studies the Director.

            “Silverpoint,” Merle spits.

            “Right, silverpoint. So, he died, and then some dude in a robe showed up, and I tried to punch him a couple times and-”

            “A _what_?” However tense the Director looked before is nothing in comparison to how she looks now, a thread pulled too taut, moments from snapping.

            Naturally, Magnus doesn’t notice. “-Tried chopping him with my axe, that didn’t work, and-”

            “Stop, stop, stop. Did he- what did he look like? Tell me everything.”

            It’s Angus who gets to the heart of the matter the fastest. “They had a red robe.”

            “A what?” If the Director weren’t sitting down, Taako might tell her to. A glance at Merle shows a brief flash of worry across the dwarf’s face for the older human woman. “You’re _sure_ he was wearing a red robe?”

            “Yeah, of course. I told you, I tried to punch it a few times. Definitely sure.”

            The Director’s mouth opens and closes a few times, and this is probably the least put together Taako has ever seen her, including the time when everyone fainted at midsummer. “I can’t believe…”

            “Ma’am? These are the same… the same ones you warned us all about, right? The Red Robes who created the Grand Relics?” Angus asks, and the Director wordlessly nods.

            “But, but they’re all gone. They shouldn’t _be_ here.” She looks practically like someone came back from the dead or some shit like that.

            “Could have been a ghost. Seemed pretty spooky.” Magnus shrugs.

            “I don’t think ghosts act like _that_ , sir.”

            “But he’s gone now. Or at least, not here.” Taako says.

            The Director looks up at him sharply. “Did you _defeat_ him or something?” She sounds incredulous, which Taako might take offense to had he not seen this red robe in person.

            “Well…” Magnus trails off, ever reluctant to admit anything other than a successful roll of the dice.

            Taako snorts in response. “Oh GODS no. He seemed like he coulda wrecked our shop pretty severely, actually.”

            “And I couldn’t even punch him.”

            “You tried your best, sir.” Angus pats Magnus on the arm, mouth creeping up at the corners even with the current situation. Which is good. At least they haven’t irrevocably messed Angus up with all this.

            “What did he tell you? What did, did you have, did you _talk_ to the Red Robe?”

            “It was sorta more like… talking at us?” Taako says.

            “Oh yeah, he asked us if we were scared and then told us we don’t know how to be.” Magnus adds.

            “Clearly he has never seen Merle’s ass tattoo. Or Merle talking to vines. Or Merle.” Taako quips.

            “HEY!”

            “He warned us about the thrall of the Relics, too, ma’am. He said the desire for them would win out and destroy everything.”

            The Director mutters something that Taako misses, but Angus’s face scrunches up in confusion for a moment.

            “Yes, uh, yes, ma’am, he said that the hunger for power was going to be the end of everything.”

            The Director looks surprised, like she hadn’t realized she’d spoken aloud. Or that anyone might hear. “Right.” She pauses. “That’s what our ultimate goal here is though. To stop it, once and for all. Which is why I need to say this. Boys, if you- if you see the man in the red robe again, just run away as quickly as you possibly can. If they… if they do some sort of mind control on you, and they figure out what we’re doing up here with our operation, then that’s the whole ball game, boys. If they find out what’s going on and find their way up here, then… that’s it. Please. Promise me.”

            Taako has a thought. “Do they… are they privy to the information the voidfish has? Cause, uh, if not, then we’re good.”

            “They shouldn’t be.”

            “But they also shouldn’t exist, right?”

            “You’re right. We, uh, we don’t know anything about these cats-”

            “They’re just breaking all the rules.”

            “-Which is just another reason to be careful around them. Promise me.”

 

* * *

 

            Once they’ve sat through the Director’s lecture on the red robe and promised to run away, they then tell the Director everything she didn’t see with the race and sit through another lecture on putting Angus into dangerous situations (the three of them) or jumping into dangerous situations (Angus, as that part is expected in the Reclaimers’ work and unquestionably what Magnus is known for). Magnus reminding her that it was Hurley who put Angus behind the wheel does little to mitigate the stormy expression on her face given that Hurley isn’t around to get the lecture herself.

            The Director sighs, which has been a frequent response to some of their comments and parts of the story. She looks like she’s getting a headache, and Magnus considers offering her a hug again. “I’m sorry for greeting the four of you so tersely earlier. Captain Captain Bane and I were very close friends, and I… I just can’t believe that even he was turned by the thrall of the Gaia Sash. Did you- you didn’t taunt him with it in any way, did you?” At their honest negative answer, she sighs again. “I should know now not to discount the thrall of these items. You three… you are the only ones I know who can resist the thrall and do this work.”

            “Now hang on.” Magnus catches on a particular word. “What about Ango?” But he spots Angus fidgeting, and his brows furrow.

            “It’s… can we talk about that later, sir?” Angus asks, and something inside Magnus, something that sounds vaguely like Julia, warns him not to rush in here. “Sorry, you were saying, ma’am?” Angus immediately snaps the subject away from himself.

            “Thank you, Angus, and I’m sorry. I don’t want to discount your own invaluable contributions, but… they are different.” Angus nods, seemingly accepting that. The Director returns her attention to the other three. “So, Merle, Magnus, and Taako, your abilities to resist the thrall and reclaim the Relics has single-handedly, er, perhaps not so single-handedly, saved this organization. And Captain Captain Bane’s betrayal has proven that no one else is capable of resisting the thrall. As such, I have reassigned the few other Reclaimers in the organization to other jobs. It’s just… it’s just you three now.”

            “Promotion!” Merle sings.

            “Yes, well, and uh, we’re also going to have you relocate to new quarters more fitting of your… status.”

            “Hell yeah!”

            “Ango and Pringles have to come with.” Magnus insists.

            “Yeah, Agnes and Pringles or no deal.”

            “Maybe just Pringles?” Merle wheedles.

            “If we’re taking Pringles, we’re definitely taking Angus.”

            “Angus, yes, of course, but… who… who is Pringles?” The Director sounds mystified.

            “Our roommate?”

            “He loves Pringles.”

            “And dank potions.”

            “They mean Robbie, ma’am.”

            “Oh… don’t, um, don’t concern yourself with Robbie’s situation anymore.” Obviously, that answer is satisfactory to no one, and she reluctantly explains, “Robbie is… Robbie has been sent to the brig. We’re going to keep an eye on him for a while there.”

            “What happened, ma’am? Perhaps I can offer my services as a detective?” Angus jumps in, eyes lit up with curiosity.

            “Ah, thank you, Angus, but no. We know exactly what happened; it’s more, well, we don’t know what to do with him, since you can’t exactly un-inoculate someone.”

            “Killing him would fix the problem.” Merle suggests.

            “Uh, no.”

            “Is it because he loved Pringles too much?”

            “Definitely not. Now, we’ve discussed housing, and yes, Angus can come with you. In part because Angus’s job is going to change as well. Angus, your sole focus will be on providing live intel when the Reclaimers are hunting down a Grand Relic. And _just_ intel. Unfortunately, that bears repeating with you four.”

            Magnus grins, before he has a thought. “Wait, Angus’s only job here is to work with us now? So, officially our Angus?”

            “ _My_ magic boy, uh, thank you very much.”

            “Not if I add him to my inventory first!”

            “Uh, I’ve been teaching him _magic._ What have you been teaching him?”

            “Well, he’s got vehicle proficiency now probably so there’s that!”

            “That had nothing to do with you, sir.”

            “Ango, I am _hurt_.”

            “ _Anyway_ , I have one last favor to ask of you boys.” The Director interrupts, looking like she wants them to vacate her office. She probably does. “I need you to take this down to Johann in the voidfish’s chambers, to feed it this information.” She instructs as she hands Angus a scroll. At his look, she continues. “It’s… information about Captain Captain Bane. When someone from our order passes away, we have to remove all trace of them from the world below.”

            “The missing person cases,” Angus says quietly, mind having apparently made several massive leaps to what is no doubt the correct conclusion. The Director’s nod confirms it. “We’ll… we’ll take care of it, ma’am.”

            The walk across the quad is filled with yet more high fives over the Gaia Sash, and the ride in the elevator down to the voidfish’s chambers is considerably quieter than their last. Magnus suddenly feels a rush of guilt, as though he should have been here far more frequently since then. Perhaps he can start making up for it now? But to who? He sees Johann often enough already, and it’s not like the voidfish has a particular preference on who shows up to drink its tank water.

            Speaking of Johann and the voidfish, they aren’t alone in the voidfish’s chambers. There’s an unfamiliar human man there, seemingly arguing with Johann. And like Johann, he’s not exactly dressed in your standard Bureau gear, wearing something that looks like a lab coat. Both Johann and voidfish look agitated, which might be why Magnus calls out, “Human man! Who are you?”

            “Hail and well met, human man!” Taako’s approach is marginally more polite.

            “Um, excuse me, sirs? What’s going on here?” Angus is probably the most polite.

            Human man, however, ignores them and goes on with his tirade. Johann looks altogether done with this shit. Human man says, “We don’t know anything about this creature though! And you’re all comfortable putting all your faith in it? What if it dies of old age and we’re sunk? What if it reproduces asexually and has a kid that makes us forget its own existence? We don’t have enough _data_ on how this thing behaves! You gotta let me-”

            “Um, excuse me, I have animal handling proficiency; I can answer any questions-” Magnus has gathered that human man is talking about the voidfish, and Magnus is most certainly not a fan of that.

            “Listen, we’re having a conversation, and what makes you think it’s okay to-”

            Magnus tunes out human man’s continuing complaints as Merle grumbles, “Oh, I _really_ don’t like this guy.”

            “And it’s really rude to interrupt, and- oh, it’s you four.” The human man straightens his glasses, looking surprised and not altogether happy to see them. “Well, it’s still rude to inter-”

            “Now hold on. You know us?” Magnus asks.

            “Yes. Magnus. Taako. Merle. Angus.” He points at each of them in turn. “I saw you all during the race with literally everyone else on the moon base.”

            “Okay, cool, now, uh, human man, what, uh, seems to be the problem?”

            “You really don’t have to keep calling me human man. I have a name.”

            “Then you might want to tell us what it is, human man sir.” Angus says, managing a straight face, and Magnus bursts into laughter. Taako snickers, Merle guffaws, and even Johann chuckles.

            Human man does not look so amused. “My name is Lucas.”

            “Lucas…” Taako says it experimentally. “Lucas Humanman.”

            Lucas Humanman still does not look amused. “Lucas Miller. And as I was telling your lackey, we don’t even know how the voidfish works! I’m just asking him to let me take it back to my lab and see how it operates, what makes it tick.”

            “First, he’s our goon, not our lackey.” Magnus says.

            “Ooh, henchman.” Merle suggests.

            “Also, Johann works for the Director, not us.” Angus corrects.

            “Well, the point still stands-”

            “Are you like, part of the team here or what? What’s your story?” Taako asks, waggling his fingers at Lucas.

            Lucas bristles a bit. “That’s not important.”  
            “It is if you want to take the voidfish away.” Magnus crosses his arms

            Taako says, “And, uh, you can hear the word ‘voidfish,’ so you’ve definitely been inoculated.”

            “And that’s a weird combination: inoculation without a bracer.” At Angus’s observation, Magnus takes a harder look at Lucas Miller, human man. Sure enough, no bracer hiding under the lab coat.

            “I’m, uh, I guess you could call me… a consultant? And good point about the Director. Johann, I’m going to go over your head and go see her about this, because I’m just not comfortable not knowing how this thing works, and I’ve told her before, and I’m not comfortable putting the fate of the entire world-”

            He’s cut off, not by one of them, surprisingly, but by the voidfish itself, screaming out a single warbling note. Even before the note fades, Lucas tries to speak again, “As I was saying-”

            “Lucas Humanman Miller! It’s rude to interrupt! Even the voidfish!” Magnus scolds before the voidfish screams out a second note, long and lingering before a third. Then it pauses. “What he said,” Magnus tacks on, jabbing a thumb in the direction of the voidfish in its tank.

            “Nice one.” Johann says.

            “Thanks.”

            “But you don’t know what it _said_.”

            “He said, ‘fuck off.’” Lucas throws his hands in the air at Magnus’s reply.

            “Since it was three notes, sir, perhaps it was ‘fuck right off?’”

            “Sentiment was pretty clear either way.” Magnus looks pointedly at Lucas. “You gonna listen?”

            “But you don’t _know_ that, and-” And Lucas is again interrupted, much to Magnus’s satisfaction, by the voidfish screaming out another three note refrain. And almost as though the notes have physical impact, Lucas begins backing up.  
            “Okay, clearly I’m upsetting this thing, so I’m just gonna go talk to the Director. And if this thing dies? That’s on you.” Lucas turns and leaves.

            For some reason, this too rubs Magnus the wrong way, so he approaches the voidfish and places a hand on the tank, offering some kind of - reassurance?

            The voidfish puts one of its many limbs up to the glass in response.

            Angus gasps. Taako coos. Johann sounds astonished. And perhaps vaguely offended. “What the _shit_? I’ve been taking care of this thing, watching it, and feeding it, for a year now, and it’s never just, _sang_ like that before. Or shared a touching moment with another being before. What the shit? What’s going on?”

            And Magnus doesn’t have an explanation. So he shrugs, hand still on the glass. “Fishie’s my dude.”

            Johann hums, those same three notes. “I- I’m gonna try something,” He declares, pulling out a harp. He plays those same three notes on the harp. The voidfish responds with four new ones. And before any of them can quite process it, Johann and the voidfish have gotten into a jam session, repeating notes and refrains back to each other as though the voidfish’s song were incomplete, as though Johann is filling in the missing piece.

            It’s weird, but nice. Right up until the voidfish brings it to a screeching halt, literally. The voidfish screams out before going silent, the lights inside dimming almost sadly. Johann looks stunned still.

            And Magnus says, more than a little freaked out, “Johann? Johann! What’s going on!”

            “I- I don’t know. That’s not, that’s not one of mine? I, I don’t know, unless it’s like learning to compose for me?”

            “But what _is_ it?”

            “I don’t know. Just a nice song? And a nice memory, with my four friends here? Best guess. Pretty nice guess though.” The small smile on Johann’s face that had been present through the duration of the song fades when he sees the scroll that Angus is still holding. “And, uh, guess we still have to do the Rites of Remembrance for old Captain Captain Bane, huh?” He doesn’t sound happy about it, doesn’t look happy about it as he feeds the scroll into the voidfish’s tank. Such a small thing, to contain all the information about a person. It’s amazing how quickly you can erase an entire person, an entire lifetime, from the whole world. What sort of ripples are still felt even when the source is gone? What must it feel like, to have something, someone who shaped you ripped away without you even knowing?

            Magnus shakes off the unusually contemplative thoughts no doubt put there by the loss of Hurley and Sloane and the musical medley from the voidfish and Johann.

            “Uh, you guys want to say anything? About Captain Bane?” Johann prods.

            “Uh, he was a good man, and it was unfortunate…” Magnus trails off.

            “Didn’t he try to poison you?”

            “Well, yes.”

            “That was the unfortunate part.” Merle chimes in.

            “It was unfortunate that he was corrupted in the end. But we’ll always remember the good he did.”

            “Supposedly.”

            “Theoretically.”

            “Possibly.”

            “Before we met him.”

            “He was in the Goldcliff militia though.”

            “Hey, can I ask you guys a question?” Johann starts in, seemingly accepting that is the best they can really say about Captain Captain Bane. “Are you… are you all really okay with this? Like, if you beef it down there, the world just forgets about you?”

            “Yes.” Angus responds without any hesitation, and for a moment the four adults just stare at him. That’s… that’s probably something they’re going to have to talk about at some point.

            Magnus clears his throat before flashing Johann a grin. “Well, I’m not planning on ever dying.” Merle just shrugs. Taako mumbles something about a show of sorts.

            Johann’s shoulders droop after their answers. “Anyway, I’ve just sort of existentially bummed myself out, so I’m gonna head out. But you guys, take it sleazy.”

            Magnus glances back at the voidfish as they head out. It’s still silent and dim, drifting through its tank.

 

* * *

 

            Between meeting the most annoying human since Angus and Johann’s existential crisis, and that following the events leading up to the destruction of the Gaia Sash, Merle thinks they could use something a little more… fun.

            So naturally they head straight to the office of Leon the artificer.

            Leon, like half the people on the moon base, looks ill, which is probably why he just lethargically waves them in, sigh of resignation turning to a cough. “Go right ahead. You guys know the deal.” Leon’s voice could optimistically be described as congested even after he blows his nose.

            And maybe it’s superstition after going first the last two times they were here, maybe it’s paranoia that Leon was the last person to touch the gachapon crank with his germy, germy hands, but Merle doesn’t object as Magnus rushes in and straight up to the gachapon, coin and smile shining.

            And then Magnus hands Leon his coin. Leon sinks before straightening up, shoulders taking on an annoyed set as he hands Magnus the coin back. “You guys can’t- I can’t fuckin’- we can’t _do this_ every fucking time. Guys. Guys. Guys guys guys. You have to put the coin-” he points, “-in the gachapon-” he points again, “- _yourselves_.” He finishes, emphasizing with another jab of his finger into Magnus’s arm. Yep, this is _exactly_ what they needed to cheer themselves up.

            “…That’s what she said.” Magnus’s grin grows wider, seemingly incredibly pleased with himself at the witty retort.

            “That- that doesn’t even make sense.”

            “All in favor of that making sense?” Taako raises his hand, quickly followed by Magnus and Merle. Merle nudges Angus a few times before he sighs and half-raises his hand.

            At that, Leon throws his own hands into the air and walks out, muttering words that should be incomprehensible to Merle, who instead recognizes them as Gnomish and several curses involving that one evil Gnome mole god. The door slams shut behind him, leaving them alone.

            Magnus promptly turns and puts his coin into the slot, handily turning the crank before looking up, eyes wider than the shield he’s staring at. He gasps in delight as the large capsule holding the spikey throwing shield (and Merle wants to make a comment about Magnus poking an eye out) wobbles in the machine. And then it doesn’t fall. Magnus’s lower lip juts out, looking for all the world like he might cry, before he punches the machine.

            “Sir, what the fuck?” Angus asks, having jumped, and Magnus blanches.

            Before Magnus can reply, however, the door slams back open. “Don’t. Just. Don’t.” Leon commands with an exasperated glare and a sniffle.

            “Then get the shield outta there!” Magnus points back up at the shield.

            “That’s not how any of this works!”

            “But I want it!”

            Leon throws his hands up in the air again and disappears. Magnus grumbles a few choice curses as well before turning to Angus. “Sorry, Ango. Not gonna happen again. And tell me if it does, okay?”

            Angus nods before handing Magnus the capsule that _did_ fall out while Magnus was having his temper tantrum. And Merle can easily say, it’s nowhere near shield sized. The belt that falls out onto Leon’s desk when Magnus opens the capsule has a circular buckle, divided into three sections: fire, ice, and electricity. Taako reaches out and pokes it, causing it to spin.

            “Great, Magnus gets a new toy.” Merle comments after Magnus gasps and begins spinning the dial, trying to see how fast he can get it to go. Meanwhile, Angus has pulled Leon’s massive book over and started flipping through. “Oh, hey, check under ‘sash!’”

            “What, do you think everything is a sash just because we got the Gaia Sash like five minutes ago?” Taako snorts.

            “It could be a sash!”

            “A sash is just a fancy belt!”

            “You wear them all the time though!”

            “So I can say that!”

            “Ah, sirs? Found it!” Angus grins, and Merle is dissatisfied to note that Angus is far earlier in the alphabet than Merle had suggested. “The Defender’s Dial. Found under belts.” Angus says pointedly and Merle crosses his arms, attempting to go for mildly menacing. Angus glances at him, raises an eyebrow, and looks back to the item description, listing off its details.

            “Once per day?” Magnus gulps, immediately trying to calculate how many times he’s spun the thing.

            “You didn’t activate it, sir.”

            “My turn, my turn, my turn!” Taako nudges Angus out of the way of the gachapon, ruffling his hair as he goes. Ears flicking mischievously, Taako smoothly puts his coin in the gachapon before spinning, hitting the crank with his elbow and sending it whirling.

            “Sir, _why_?”

            Taako just ruffles Angus’s hair again before retrieving a rectangular capsule with a cloak in it. The thing has got a hood, wings, a tail, and apparently some added bonuses underwater. Yeah, like _that’s_ ever gonna come in handy.

            Eager to show off now that Taako has demonstrated that he can competently put a coin in a slot and turn a crank, Merle attempts to run the coin along his shoulder and launch it into the gachapon slot.

            The key word being attempt here. Merle sheepishly retrieves the coin from the grate it fell in and goes to simply put the coin in the slot.

            “You’re not going to try again, sir?” Angus pipes up, and Merle tosses another look his way, to much the same effect as last time. But Merle does try the maneuver again, this time down the other arm, triumphant when it works.

            And then sulking when another tiny capsule pops out. At least the Physician’s Pendant should help with Merle’s _many_ powerful healing spells.

            Staring Merle down, Angus makes a calculated throw of his own coin to the gachapon. “Miss!” Merle yells victorious as it starts to skew away, but a blue mage hand catches it and drops it straight into the slot.

            And the kid gets an equally small capsule, with another pendant inside.

            “Actually, sir, it’s an amulet.” Angus corrects Merle when he makes this point as he flips through the book to the right page.

            “Oh, the Amulet of Proof Against Detection and Location!” Magnus jabs a finger at the correct page, having spotted it. “Kind of a mouthful though. They couldn’t come up with a shorter name than that?”

            “‘While wearing this amulet, you are hidden from Divination magic. You can’t be targeted by such magic or perceived through magical Scrying sensors.’ Damn, Agnes, who are you trying to hide from?”

            “Sir, I have exactly the same amount of control over what comes out of the gachapon as you.” Angus says dryly, even as he’s putting the amulet on.

            Taako makes a humming noise, before he spins on his heel, putting his hands on his hips. “All right, my guys! Time for the only time we ever get to spend money! To the Fantasy Costco!”

            A short walk later, and they’re greeted with, “Welcome to the Fantasy Costco! I’m Garfield the Deals Warlock!”

            “Fuck me, Taako’s out. Bad decision. Later, my guys.” Taako makes to head out while Angus goes to stop him. Of course, Magnus is immediately drawn to staring at the oversized sword currently on fire in its prominent display case. As for Merle? He takes one look at Garfield, getting the distinct impression that he’s on the receiving end of a grin far too wide for its owner’s face and disappears into the aisles.

            The first thing his eyes alight on is a gnome. Not a gnome like Davenport or Leon, but a metal garden gnome. Curious (and eager to have something to do that is not conversing with Garfield), he reads the description. Unlocks things and criticizes your whole party? But shuts up afterward? Since Angus is _finally_ likely to not be around on their jobs (the Director was definitely not happy after the pocket spa incident), it seems like a good investment. And an improvement.

            He also picks up some scrying bones, just in case, you know, a little extra divine intervention is needed. And with 100 gold left in his pocket (or pockets, 100 gold would be a lot for a pocket and considerably too much for an envelope), Merle spots a metal can so dinged up that the only thing he can really deduce is that someone somewhere named this Cheerwine.

            A few minutes and an awkward conversation with Garfield later (no, he doesn’t want to haggle; he has exactly enough for once, please no), Merle slams said Cheerwine, feeling a pleasant fizzy sensation spread throughout.

            Magnus, however, doesn’t seem to be having nearly as pleasant a time. He’s got a shield and a fork and has fallen into the trap of arguing with Garfield while Taako and Angus stand behind him, watching amused, with Fantasy Costco bags already in hand. Taako’s bag has the Immovable Rod poking out, and he’s already wearing the plastic sheriff’s badge. And he has the nerve to call Merle tacky, honestly. Angus’s bag has an oversized book crammed in with a bag of beans perched somewhat precariously on top. He’s still wearing the amulet, too.

            “Can I sell back my old shield for the remaining 150?”

            Garfield hums, or perhaps purrs, “Let’s see that bad boy!”

            Magnus pulls out the shield, bragging, “I mean, this _is_ official Magnus Burnsides merch. You could put this up if you open, like, an Adventuring Hall of Fame.”

            Garfield makes that same noise again, “That’s not a bad idea, you boys… I see you increasing in equity by the adventure! Tell me, can youuuuuuuuuuuu sign this for me?”

            “Oh, that’s easy!” Magnus sounds relieved and catches the pen Merle throws at him without even looking. He signs his name quickly. “That good?”

            “Oh, no, dear, I meant in _blood_!”

            Magnus blinks. “Okay then.”

            “ _Your_ blood!”

            “Um… okay then.”

            “Uh, sir? Are you… sure about that?”

            “Well… it’s just a little blood, Angus. What can Garfield do with just a little bit of blood?” Magnus is already dripping blood onto the shield. At least _he_ doesn’t have to do it with a blunt fork. Unlike Merle. Poor dead Barry and his weird obsession with that weirder blood map.

            “Do you want those answers alphabetically, by how much necromancy is involved, or by how much chaos can ensue, sir?”

            “Well…” Magnus continues despite the equivocating.

            “It won’t be in mint condition with that much blood on it,” Merle comments, still watching.

            “Oh, I don’t need it in mint condition!”

            “What are you gonnna do with it, Garfield?” Now Magnus sound alarmed. The “I told you so,” vibes are practically radiating off the kid.

            Garfield ignores the question, making grabby hands (claws?) for the shield. “Lemme just see that bloody shield there, and uh, good transaction! Everyone got what they wanted!”

            “Oh no. Am I gonna die?”

            “No, dear! Everything will be fine!”

            “…Ango?”

            “Maybe?”

            “Tits.”

            “Well, this has been, uh, _fun_ for everyone involved, but I think our fancy new rooms are calling our names now.” Taako looks ready to flee and use that one-time use anti-gravity sphere he just bought to do it.

            “Oh, yes, yes! Come back soon with more money! And more blood!” Garfield calls as the doors slide shut behind them.

 

* * *

 

            It’s strange to go into their room and not see Robbie accompanied by a pile of potions or Pringles cans. When they took him into the brig, they also cleaned up, Angus notes. But his own things are undisturbed, and judging by the various states of mess and coverings of leaves, wood shavings, and cosmetics, so are everyone else’s.

            Angus is naturally the first one packed, being already the most organized and having the least stuff. He sits on the bed Magnus built (coming along with them somehow, apparently) and waits, fiddling with the amulet. Leon has mentioned that there’s an element of fate to the fantasy gachapon, and after what happened in Goldcliff during and after the race, Angus thinks he’s actually inclined to believe it.

            “Right!” Angus’s train of thought is interrupted by Taako clapping his hands together and speaking. He pushes his glasses up his nose as Taako says, “Fancy dorm time!”

            “Yeah! I’m gonna get a dog!”

            “ _NO!_ ” Taako and Merle shout in unison.

            Stuff in hand (or rather, most of Taako and Merle’s on Magnus’s back), and Angus’s bed magically Reduced for the time being, they make their way into the elevator going down to their new dorm. “So is the penthouse on the bottom of the moon then?” Merle comments just before the doors open onto their new rooms.

            Angus’s first impression is that it’s lovely, with a kitchen that might _just_ be big enough for Taako, a surprising amount of light for plants for this being the bottom of the moon base, an alcove where one could feasibly work with wood, and a surprising number of bookshelves already in place. A handful of doors go off to what are presumably bedrooms. And to top it all off, the floor to the living room, comfortable and open and with several chairs that look to be good for reading, has a glass floor that offers a spectacular view of whatever the moon base is floating over.

            “NOPE!” All three Reclaimers now shout in unison, looking at the glass floor and the world far below.

            “My stomach just dropped through that floor.” Magnus says.

            “No acclimating to that. Fantasy vertigo.”

            Taako snaps his fingers. “Rug? Rug.”

            “Oh, definitely a rug.”

            “Yes to the rug.”

            Well, so much for the view.

 

* * *

 

            Angus is walking. And has been for a while… he thinks. It’s hard to tell. His surroundings, two high, high walls of vines so sickeningly green that they seem to glow, haven’t changed the entire time. The light, what little of it that makes it down from the top of the stiflingly close vine walls, the strange yellow and green hues the sky takes on before a tornado, has not changed. And Angus, putting one foot in front of the other over and over, does not tire, merely feels that ever present sense of unease. That doesn’t change either.

            Perhaps he should stop. Turn around. For the first time, Angus glances behind him. And though he’d been standing in that spot a few feet back only moments ago, there is a wall of vines at his back now, too.

            Onward then.

            And so Angus walks, seemingly miles, though he still never tires, never so much as feels a bead of sweat on his brow.

            Eventually, something does change.

            The air, heavy and thick with the scent of a storm, shifts, and a breeze that wasn’t there before drifts through the thick and still air. It carries a new smell, one that’s familiar to Angus’s nose.

            He starts running even before he recognizes the scent of blood.

            The vines begin to press in, so subtle at first that Angus might be imagining it. But then there can be no mistake; the path grows narrower, and vines reach out to seize Angus. He avoids them deftly, shifting into a panicked sprint, stomach writhing like those same vines all around, knowing that he is running headlong into disaster.

            There’s light ahead. Angus skids to a stop in a clearing, just inches ahead of vines that quickly snake over the path he’d taken, erasing it, as though it were never there to begin with. The smell of blood is stronger here.

            With good reason. Three figures lie on the ground ahead, and Angus, rather not in control of his own feet, walks forward, not even stopping at the edge of the pool slowly spreading outward.

            Taako, Magnus, and Merle lie on the ground, dead, bleeding, scorched by lightning, marked by the same poison that took Hurley’s life. But no, they stopped it; this shouldn’t have happened. This didn’t happen. Did it?

            “Alone again.” A strange voice laughs, the voice Sloane had spoken with during their final fight. But no, Sloane isn’t here right now. Angus really is alone. “And entirely your own fault.” The vines begin to slither around him. “Not smart enough.” The vines turn from glowing green to pitch black. “Not fast enough.” The black vines sprout bone white thorns. “Not strong enough.” The black vines rise upward, higher than the walls, surrounding them, no, surrounding _him_. Because Angus is alone. “Not good enough,” the voice proclaims, a final judgment, and the silverpoint vines dive down at Angus, who screams as they envelop him in darkness.

            After a few moments of his own screams echoing in his ears, the darkness changes, giving way to red and orange and not to dawn, but to _fire_. The vines are burned away, obliterated in an instant. And for a moment, Angus is instead engulfed by fire that does not burn. He blinks away the bright spots in his vision to see… a short figure, bearing a silver gauntlet.

            “But you could be.” And the figure turns, and Angus McDonald looks into his own eyes, wild and caught in a thrall, as he wields the Phoenix Fire Gauntlet.

            “No, I can’t, I _won’t-_ ”

            “Then you deserve to lose them. You _will_ lose them.”

            “No.” Angus shakes his head, vigorously, desperately. “No, this isn’t real. This is- horseshit. They’re fine; they’re safe. I’m not going to lose them.”

            “You will.” The voice of the red robe echoes all around, powerful, deadly, and so very cold, the kind of cold that seeps into your bones, leaving an ache and an uncertainty if it will ever leave you. “The want, the _hunger_ , it consumes all. It will consume them. The end of everything approaches.”

            “And you can’t stop it.” Angus hears his own voice say before the fire becomes blinding again, the roar drowning out the hisses of the red robe and his own laughter.

            And then it’s gone, and, as Angus again blinks spots away, he finds himself standing in the center of Goldcliff once more, back up to a cherry blossom tree, nowhere to go and surrounded. Everyone is watching; everyone knows he’s here. They know he’s here.

 

* * *

 

            Angus jerks himself up to sitting before he’s awake, scrambles to run before he knows where he is. It’s only when he’s got his glasses on and has turned on the light, illuminating the cozy room at the bottom of the moon base that he finds he can breathe again. He looks around, desperately taking it in, the Caleb Cleveland books and magical texts on loan from Taako, sitting on a shelf built by Magnus; various items from his detective work and BoB duties neatly hanging or in place on his desk; his wand and the Amulet of Proof Against Detection and Location lying on his nightstand just as his glasses had been. He’s here. Not there.

            Still, the nightmare has gotten worse, the worst it’s ever been, as a matter of fact.

            It’s with shaking hands that Angus puts on the amulet and grabs his wand. Sleep seems an impossibility at this point, and Angus’s pulse is still pounding in his ears, too loud and frenzied to permit focus on a book. No, he has to move, get out from under covers that are nothing like vines and yet far too much like them at the same time.

            Angus pulls himself out from under the covers, wand still in hand. He needs somewhere open, somewhere hidden.

            The glass floor of the living room seems as good a place as any. He can look at Neverwinter, twinkling below and teeming with life and activity even at this hour, and still remain secreted away from the world. And the cool glass should keep him from falling asleep again for a while. And there’s no chance the elevator will alert anyone to his leaving if he doesn’t use it.

            Angus pokes his head out of his room. Dark, empty. Perfect. Angus walks noiselessly across the floor to the edge of the carpet. He rolls it back to reveal the glass beneath and the world beyond that. Sure enough, they’re over Neverwinter now, and more than that, something inside Angus’s chest loosens at the sight of the open space.

            He lies down on his stomach, resting his chin on his arms to look at everything below. Even though, as an experienced detective, Angus knows this not to be the case, from up here, everything looks peaceful. And it stays that way for a while, long enough for the sharp edges of the nightmare to soften.

            There’s a thud from Taako’s room. Angus holds his breath. Then a series of thuds. And then a door opening. “Fuck.” Taako whispers quietly. “Fuuuuuuck that.” A pause, and it sounds like Taako is headed toward… the kitchen? Angus hopes he won’t be spotted. Not enough light should be coming up around him to- “Ango?” Taako calls, quietly but clearly. And confused. “What are you doing over there?”

            It’s then that Angus realizes he neglected to account for Darkvision.

            “Um. Taking a break?” It’s a bad excuse.

            Taako walks over, much less cautiously than Angus had, though again, the Darkvision might have something to do with that, and plops down into a seated position next to him. “Taking a break from what, pumpkin?”

            “…Sleeping?” Admittedly, Angus is tired, and perhaps still a bit thrown off by the dream, and it’s really not his best work as far as excuses go. But it’s also not entirely a lie.

            “Why are you taking a break from sleeping? Listen, uh, pretty sure humans need a full eight hours of sleep for a long rest.”

            “I’m fine.”

            “Doesn’t sound like it.”

            “Why are you awake then, sir?”

            “…Elves don’t need to sleep. We need four hours of meditation for a long rest.”

            “You never do that, sir. And you didn’t answer the question.”

            “Neither did you.” Taako looks at Angus, and Angus looks at Taako. Taako clears his throat before standing in one smooth motion. “All right. Listen. We’re gonna make the best damn late night sandwiches to have ever been eaten at fuck o’clock, and if we end up, uh, talking about anything in particular… that’s cool.”

            Taako flicks a light on in the kitchen and quickly sets out the ingredients he wants: bread, milk, cheese, ham, and more. Angus follows him into the kitchen, watching as Taako settles in, more comfortable in a kitchen than just about anywhere Angus has seen him.

            “You don’t normally let me try what you make.” The words are out before Angus can stop them, but then, Taako did say that it would be fine if they ended up talking. Still, Angus has his doubts about that when Taako’s ears prick up straight, tense, before relaxing. Kind of.

            “Well, uh, after, uh, after… Glamour Springs… I kind of… just decided that I would never again cook for people that I, uh, care about, because I couldn’t risk, y’know, something happening to them.” Taako isn’t looking at Angus, instead looking at the milk he’s set on the stove to warm. The oven door opens and shuts quickly as Taako puts a baking sheet with bread in to toast.

            “But you know that wasn’t your fault now, sir.”

            “Yeah, yeah, and, uh, lotta that’s thanks to you, or basically all of it, but, uh, there’s… there’s a difference between, like, me directly causing it and me being… responsible. And, listen, old habits, uh, die hard. Even if I didn’t poison it myself, I fed 40 people their death, and that’s never gonna happen again, and definitely not to anyone I care about.” Now Taako is watching butter melt, and Angus watches with him. He pushes his glasses up his nose, thinking.

            After a few moments and as Taako adds flour to the melted butter, Angus admits, “That night in Phandalin. After it was destroyed. I wanted the Gauntlet.” Taako’s hand jerks as he whisks the flour, and his breath catches. For a moment.

            “So. That’s why you’re, uh, chill with the whole Seeker gig.” It’s not a question.

            “Yes, sir. I’m not _like_ you and Magnus and Merle. There- there’s no way I could beat a Relic. And that… that scares me, sir.”

            “Angus.” Taako is looking at him even as he’s stirring in milk now. “Okay, so, uh, first, it’s okay to be scared. This… this is scary. Some, uh, some people might even have nightmares over it.” Angus blinks, surprised a moment, while Taako pulls the sauce off the heat and starts adding cheese and seasoning. “And listen, you saw what happened with the Gaia Sash. I was deffo going to take it, but Magnus and Merle intervened and stopped me. Remember? We’re a fuckin’ team, despite, uh, that _never_ being the plan for Taako.” Taako pulls the toasted bread out of the oven to start assembling sandwiches.

            “But I don’t… I’m the world’s greatest detective, but I don’t do enough for the team. You all have nearly died several times, and I couldn’t do anything.”

            “Well, uh, you’re not the healer, so-” The oven door opens and shuts as the prepared sandwiches go back in to bake. And then Angus has Taako’s full attention.

            “It’s not enough.” Angus mutters. “It’s not enough, and someone is going to get hurt, just like Hurley and Sloane, and I-” He swallows. “I’ll be alone. Or worse.” Taako’s ears flick back a moment at the information. It’s not a lot, but it’s more than he’s admitted in the past. Angus shakes his head, pushing his glasses up his nose again out of habit. “And even if I can’t do enough... I don’t want to be left behind. That’s worse than being there.”

            They’re quiet again, for a few minutes, as the sandwiches finish broiling. Taako does the dishes quietly, humming absentmindedly to himself, the song fading in and out as though only half complete. Angus pours out drinks, thinking back to Captain Captain Bane’s office from not that long ago. The sandwiches are soon ready, and Angus will very happily admit that Taako is right: these sandwiches are a wonderful late night snack.

            A soft high-pitched ding echoes through the quiet room as they eat, and both their heads turn to the door just as Magnus walks through, sweaty and with a towel around his neck. “Oh.” Magnus stops, looking just as startled to see them as they are to see him. “I was uh-” He sniffs. “Something smells _amazing_.”

            Taako snorts. “Hell yeah it does.” He slides a still sizzling sandwich onto a plate and beckons Magnus over. “It’s hot, dumbass.” He says as Magnus tries to take a bite, whining when he immediately burns his tongue. Angus wonders for a moment, why Taako made so many, when it was only the two of them before. Maybe he concluded the smell would wake Magnus and Merle up.

            “Were you out running, sir?” Angus asks. It’s the best conclusion he can come up with, given that it’s far too late for Magnus to have found a sparring partner.

            Magnus grunts in confirmation, trying to avoid again burning himself from the bite of sandwich he’s taken. There are a few additional grunts that Angus interprets to mean that Magnus too was having difficulty sleeping.

            After a few more moments of silent sandwich eating, another door opens, and Merle joins them. Taako slides over another plate with a sandwich without a word.

            Magnus swallows the last bite of his sandwich and makes grabby hands for another. Taako rolls his eyes, but he still scoops one up with a spatula to drop on Magnus’s plate.

            “Hurley and Sloane?” Magnus asks, looking around at them. Merle grunts. Taako shrugs, then nods.

            “That’s part of it.” Angus says.

            “Nobody’s dying next time. We’ll get it right next time.”

            And sitting in the kitchen at the bottom of the moon base, wearing an amulet that blocks any attempts at finding him, eating croque-monsieur in the middle of the night, Angus believes that. The nightmare stays away when he finally returns to bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there!
> 
> Soooooooooooooooooooo. Very late. Honestly, Taakitz week and work took a lot out of me, which is why this one is so far off of my intended publishing date. If I'm being entirely honest, for a while I was at a point where I didn't think it would matter to anyone if I continued the story.
> 
> Back onto logistics! Work is guaranteed to drive me insane through the rest of the year, though I expect (hope) most of that to be after American Thanksgiving (fingers crossed at least). Crystal Kingdom is up next and hoo boy this one has been a challenge to plan. The overall plan is to still follow the three week schedule (or rather get back on it). I expect CK to take another three chapters, so that puts dates at November 16, December 7, and December 28 (with some wiggle room; I want to finish Candlenights by the end of Candlenights season!).
> 
> And if you've made it this far, thanks, I really and genuinely appreciate it. Kudos, comment, all that jazz, please and thank you. You can reach me at [charmandhex](https://charmandhex.tumblr.com/) for updates and/or snippets of works in progress.


	11. Angus McDonald, Gift Giver Extraordinaire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Candlenights is here, and our heroes decided to color coordinate for their card. Too bad plans change: sometimes you spend Candlenights with family around the fire, sometimes you’re fighting crystal monsters and trying to prevent the apocalypse. You know, normal family activities.
> 
> Magnus’s carpentry skills are finally useful. Taako pulls off a miracle. Merle gets used for target practice. Angus’s Candlenights is off to a great start.

            Just as the golden light glinting off of Goldcliff shifts to fiery red in the setting sun, before going quiet under the night sky, so do the seasons change in Faerun, golden summer turning to many-hued fall turning to cold and quiet winter. Angus stays busy throughout it all. On occasion though, he leaves the moon. Not for detective work, not much of that anymore when the work on the moon is more interesting and much more important. No. Surprisingly, Angus goes to Goldcliff.

            Though, perhaps it’s not so surprising. He has no one to see in Neverwinter anymore. And it’s reassuring to see the cherry blossom tree, stalwart and ever-blooming, a way to remind himself that the things we love do not truly leave us. He needs that reminder nowadays.

 

* * *

           

            Candlenights kind of snuck up on Angus. It’s not that he’d forgotten the holiday, as, naturally, he’s far too smart a boy to do so. But rather, he’d been absorbed in his work and his magic lessons with Taako and the ever-persistent efforts of Magnus (and the rest of the Bureau really) to get Angus to have fun and take a break from work. But the holiday is certainly here now.

            The Reclaimers are hosting a party in the dorm. Or at least, they’ve invited several coworkers who can be trusted to provide things necessary for a party. They have not, however, actually invited Angus, something Merle is repeatedly reminding Angus of (and no amount of “Sir, I live here,” seems to sway him).

            It’s… different… than what Angus expected, though he supposes it was silly in the first place to have expectations, considering how different his life is now from his life of even just a year prior. Candlenights has never exactly been a fun time for Angus, more of a chance to be trotted out like a show pony or dusted off, dressed up, and set on display like every other intricate, expensive Candlenights trinket. An object to be admired in a house full of them, a trophy to be shown off during boring parties with even more boring adults.

            This is not that.

            The decorations are haphazard and slapdash, a mix of the Reclaimers’ eclectic tastes and whatever everyone else brought along. It’s loud, but not unbearably so, and the conversations are far more pleasant besides. And there’s people Angus actually likes here. Avi is leaning heavily on Johann, tipsy and sobbing after the bard’s most recent performance. Killian and Carey are sneaking looks at each other when they think the other isn’t looking (and Carey is much more successful at not being detected), probably thinking about how they want to ask the other to dance and just as likely brushing off the idea. Boyland is here, but with the moratorium on cigars in the room, Angus doubts that will be for long. Come to think of it, the ban might be due in part to Merle’s strange aversion to the other dwarf. Brad just looks happy to be here and not having to deal with the Reclaimers while sitting behind his desk. Even the Director has a glass of wine in her hand and a soft smile on her face.

            Really, it could probably even be termed fun.

            Angus is standing next to Taako, who has already sworn up, down, left, right, and through a loop-de-loop that he has no present for Angus, as Angus has already gotten the gift of Taako’s teaching _so many times_ over the course of the past few months. That _might_ also be the result of Angus’s surprisingly successful Thunderwave recently. Well, the only one surprised was Taako, who was then thrown back ten feet. Taako has got a tray of macarons with him, which doesn’t surprise Angus, given the smells that had permeated the space earlier. Taako had accepted his present of Caleb Cleveland and Mordekainen’s Mansion Mystery with a wink and a mage hand ruffling Angus’s hair.

            Magnus is standing close by as well, frantically carving at a few different things when he thinks no one is looking. It’d be easy to miss, if little shavings of wood weren’t flying everywhere. Angus himself is sporting a few on his hair and sweater. Magnus had gotten Caleb Cleveland and the Defenestration of the Depraved Demagogue.

            Merle is standing, looking around owlishly, and Angus is wondering if he forgot Candlenights altogether. Which would be an especially impressive feat, considering that Angus has already given him a copy of Caleb Cleveland and the Clerical Curiosity.

            Johann approaches them, several boxes in hand. Magnus yelps, frantically stuffing his work away, before glancing down at the small bronze box that Johann has given him. He quickly raises an eyebrow at the craftsmanship, apparently very much inferior to whatever he’s used to, but he’s lowered it again by the time he looks up to Johann to thank him, smile plastered on his face. Merle and Taako are both looking askance at theirs.

            “So, I hope you guys, hope you guys like it. I’ve been working on this one for a real long time, and, uh, I hope you appreciate it.” Angus opens his and hears fastidiously set gears shift into place, and hauntingly beautiful violin music begins emanating out of the box. It reminds Angus of the song that Johann and the voidfish had played together. “And if you could tell your friends about it, that’d be great, too.

            “Oh, yeah, we’ll tell all of our not dead and not Bureau friends.” Merle nods sagely.

            “Oh…” Angus feels badly as Johann droops, dreams of sharing his work with the world once again dashed, but, really, it wasn’t an entirely well thought out plan. “Well, uh, if you meet anyone down there who is into publishing, just pass on my mixtape, you know?”

            Angus pats his arm. “We’ll pass on your fire mixtape, sir.” And Angus passes Johann a neatly wrapped book. Perhaps Caleb Cleveland and the Ominous Orchestra will improve Johann’s mood. It’s even the mystery involving a stolen violin, because Angus puts thought into his gifts.

            “And I got this for you, Johann!” Magnus says grandly, sweeping an arm as he pulls out one of the carvings that are most certainly not last minute Candlenights gifts, and how could you imply such a thing to Magnus? “It’s a little carving of yourself. Enjoy.” Indeed, it is. The small rosewood figure does look like Johann, from the high feather on his cap to his incredibly voluminous pants to the violin the figure is carefully cradling.

            “Neat!” Johann says, looking it over. “Uh, where’d you get the wood for this?” He asks, offhandedly.

            “Oh, uh, just your violin.” Magnus says, casually, mouth turning up at the corners even as he seems to be trying to school his face into solemnity. Angus isn’t fooled for a moment. Of course he isn’t. He’s the world’s greatest detective, and Magnus’s statement can hardly be called a bluff when he’s trying not to giggle.

            Still, Johann seems to fall for it, turning red then white then gray. He glances back to the table where he’d left his violin only moments before. It is gone. “You carved this from my violin? In the _five seconds_ since I put it down?”

            “Well, we knew you like rosewood!” Merle pipes up.

            Johann sputters, “Oh, so, so, this is from all three of you?” It goes without saying that Angus is not included in this, given that he has already provided Johann with a present.

            “No, I made macarons.” Taako picks up the tray and wiggles it in Johann’s direction.

            “They have rosewood on top though!” Merle says as Johann picks one up. He starts to put it down.

            “I did _not_ ; that’s insane. It’s Candlenights!” Taako huffs indignantly. “Besides, uh, already got cleared from _one_ little poison issue thanks to magic boy wonder detective here, so, uh- nope, they’re Elderflower.” Angus glances off to the side, surprised to see the Director suddenly choking, having apparently inhaled her wine. Killian is attempting to clap her on the back helpfully. Johann raises an eyebrow but eats the cookie, a smile spreading over his face as he does. It’s a strange expression to see on Johann’s so often melancholy face.

            “Anyway! I’m just joshing with ya! Here’s your violin!” Magnus pulls out the pilfered instrument from where he’d hidden it under a pillow. At least no one had sat on it, because Angus doubts a simple Mending would have undone that damage. “See? No harm done!”

            “But you did steal it for the prank though!”

            “ _Yes_ , but now I’m giving you a little carving of yourself _and_ a violin! Best Candlenights gift ever, right?”

            “Especially in comparison to Merle.” Taako mutters under his breath, and Merle glares at the wizard for a moment.

            “I will have you know that I got Johann- flowers!” Merle pulls out a few magically revitalized flowers that most certainly did not come from the vase on the table just two moments prior. “There ya go, Johann! Who can’t use a little joy from Pan?”

            “Oh, uh, tha- ACHOO!” Johann sneezes. “Uh, maybe I should-”

            “No, no! I absolutely must insist!” Merle reaches the flowers as high up towards Johann’s face as he can. Johann walks away, book and carving tucked away, with violin carefully in hand and flowers much less carefully so, sneezing all the while.

            Brad, Carey, and Boyland each come in turn, the last quickly brushed off by the Reclaimers. They each receive a wooden carving, a macaron, and something Merle managed to scrounge together out of the living room (Angus supposed it’s a good thing Merle keeps a lot of flowers in here). They also all seem to like Angus’s gifts, which in turn makes Angus happy.

            Killian’s gifts come in small boxes like Johann’s, and Angus is unsurprised to find that the whetstones that Killian has gifted them have been carefully shaped into ducks. It’s a pretty well-known fact around the moon base that ducks are Killian’s favorite. Hence why Angus got a copy of Caleb Cleveland and the Mallard’s Malady for her.

            “Hey! That’s my thing, too!” Magnus says as he hands Killian a carved wooden duck, grinning widely.

            “Whoa, really?” Killian looks between the duck and Magnus, half-concerned that Magnus is lying.

            “Yup! I’ve been carving ducks… since as long as I really remember carving, I guess? Since before I, uh, started my apprenticeship.” Magnus shrugs.

            “Anyway! Enough backstory! Macarons!” Taako says in a sing-song voice, waving the tray in Killian’s direction, his many bracelets jangling together as he does.

            “Oh, let me try-” Killian doesn’t even finish the sentence before she’s popped the cookie into her mouth. “Damn!” She whistles, impressed. From across the room, Carey looks up at the whistle. Can Dragonborn blush? Angus spares a moment to wonder. If so, Carey did exactly that.

            “Yeah! That’s how we do!” Taako nods happily. He still hadn’t let Angus anywhere near them earlier, not until several hours had passed since Taako had tried the finished product.

            “That’s how you do indeed.”

            “What a coincidence! I got Killian a macaron, too!”

            “No, you didn’t.”

            “No, I didn’t.” Merle seems stumped, thinking quickly for a moment. “I got her something even better.  I got her… flowers?” He finishes with a question, pulling another bouquet seemingly out of nowhere.

            “Oh. Rad. And, uh, excuse me.” Killian makes a beeline for Carey. In a few moments, Carey is wearing a flower crown.

            Avi’s gift to the three Reclaimers are tiny bottles of brandywine with a grin. “That’s the good stuff. You’re gonna enjoy that, my guys.”  To Angus, he offers a far more sheepish grin as he scratches at the back of his neck. “So, uh, since I can’t exactly give you one of those-”

            “Sure you could!” Merle says. “And he’ll give it to one of us! Candlenights is all about giving!”

            “So, since I can’t exactly give you one of those… how about those cannon lessons? Really show you how we fly on the moon base?”

            Angus feels himself light up as he hands Avi his own gift, a copy of Caleb Cleveland and the Labyrinth in the Laboratory. “That sounds amazing, sir!”

            “You have competition, pointy hat.” Angus hears Merle say it, because Merle saying things under his breath is still not particularly quiet. Then, “Oof!” It sounds like Taako elbowed him.

            “Great! Great, well, I guess that’s that-” Avi starts.

            “Oh, no, wait! I got something!” Taako says. “Macarons!” He finishes with a flourish, Merle joining in with the sing-song voice. “And, uh, _yes_ , Avi, those ones-” Taako points a be-ringed finger, bracelets jangling, “-are fine for Atkins; what kind of amateur do you take me for?” Taako asks, clapping that same hand, bracelets still clanging together, to his chest, mock offended. And very much intentionally mispronouncing amateur, Angus notes, hiding a smile. Taako has spent more time than he will ever, ever admit noting dietary requirements on the moon base on the off chance he cooks something for them.

            “Well, I mean…” Avi looks at the perfect macaron dubiously before trying it. “Oh… I can taste the artificially sweetened pork rinds. Definitely, definitely good.”

            “And to wash it down!” Magnus presents Avi with a board.

            Avi looks between Magnus and the board. “I don’t think I can drink wood.”

            “No, no!” It’s Magnus’s turn to feign offense. “It’s a tasting board! See, I carved in little rounds for small glasses of beer!”

            “Small glasses of beer… that he doesn’t have, sir.”

            “No, no, it’s great. Hey, thanks, Magnus.” Avi takes the board.

            “And I got you… a trick tract.” Merle hands Avi the small pamphlet, and at his slightly bewildered look, launches into an explanation.

            “Hey, Angus,” Magnus says, and Angus looks up as Magnus puts an arm over his shoulder. “Listen, I know you were _prooooooooooobably_ expecting a duck-” well, Angus really hadn’t been expecting anything, so it’s hard to be disappointed now, “-but, I guess, uh, this seemed to fit better.” And Magnus hands Angus a small, intricately carved wooden dragon. “I mean, uh, you know, _master carpenters_ such as myself need a challenge every so often, and-” Magnus stops short in surprise as Angus turns and hugs him. “Uh, okay.” Then, more quietly, to Taako. “I guess the sign worked?”

            Metal clanging meets Angus’s ear as a finger taps on his shoulder. He releases Magnus and turns to Taako.

            “Oh, come on!” Angus hears Merle, finished talking to Avi, say from behind him. Angus ignores that.

            “So, uh, listen, Agnes, I know I said that I have given you the best gift ever: time. With me. Teaching you magic. But, uh, listen, we’ll call those Hanukkah presents, and uh… want a macaron?”

            “Oh, thanks, sir.” Angus reaches out for a macaron, and Taako pulls the plate away. “Really? I thought we were done with this goof, sir.” Angus’s words are dryer than Faerun’s only desert.

            “No, uh, but don’t fancy boys need fancy utensils?”

            Angus looks at Taako skeptically, raising an eyebrow, unimpressed. “Seriously, sir, what-” Angus stops as Taako puts a cookie, carried on a silver spoon, in his mouth. He takes the latter out. “Uh, shir?” Angus says around a mouthful of cookie (which is, in fact, delicious, and thankfully not one of the low carb ones) as he examines the spoon. “Ish thish-”

            Taako holds up two more spoons, “So, uh, listen, Candlenights miracle and all- don’t question it!” He adds hastily as Angus swallows the cookie. “But, uh, I _magically_ got you back three spoons from… wherever everything disappeared to?” Angus knows Taako is lying, but really, does that even matter? Taako lets out a surprised “Oof!” when Angus hugs him as well. Two seconds later, however, “All right, all right, you’re gonna rumple my shirt.” Angus lets go, still smiling.

            “Ugh. _Fine_.” A small, thick piece of paper with dried flowers affixed to it enters Angus’s vision. He leans back, adjusting his glasses to get a better look at the thing in Merle’s hand. “For your nerd books. A bookmark? You know how to use those, right?” Merle asks, a touch too belligerently for Candlenights. His eyes narrow at the look on Angus’s face. “If you try to hug me, you’ll get another gift. The gift of my warhammer.”

            Even with that though, Angus can’t stop smiling. So far? Easily his best Candlenights ever.

 

* * *

 

            As Angus runs off to show his new dragon to Carey, “Hug Me!” sign fluttering where it’s taped to his back, Magnus hides a laugh. You’d think Angus would be more perceptive than that. He finds out soon enough, when he ends up in the middle of a Carey and Killlian hug pile. Magnus’s laugh at that fills the whole room.

            The Director, jingling almost as much as Taako, approaches. The reason for the accompanying noise soon becomes apparent as she pulls out three envelopes that weren’t built for five gold coins, let alone the approximately two hundred in there.

            “Bonus!” Merle cheers quietly, elbowing Magnus.

            The Director hands an envelope to Taako, who immediately pretends to fall over from carrying the weight of it. “Well, I admit I didn’t _quite_ think through the delivery method-” She says as she hands the next to Magnus.

            “Don’t be too hard on yourself; I’m sure you think everything else through very well.” Magnus replies brightly.

            “Yes, well, thank you for that, certainly, and this is your Candlenights bonus, and- oh, shit.” The Director says, as Merle’s bag tears as she hands it to him, scattering a handful of gold pieces onto the carpet. “Shit. Fuck. Tits.” A glimmering dark blue mage hand scoops up the scattered pieces with each curse, and the Director hands them over to Merle. The expression she has on is too dignified to be called sheepish, but that is definitely the vibe Magnus is getting. “Now, uh, as your employer, I’m of course not expecting-”

            “Now hold on!” Magnus cuts in, before proudly presenting her with a duck and a small slip of paper. “It’s a duck!” He declares as she looks the former over, something strange coming over her face. “Uh, you know? Ducks? Quack quack? And, uh, that’s a coupon for one free back rub.”

            The Director stops looking at the duck to look at the coupon. She looks at Magnus, then back at the coupon, and then at Magnus again. “This is exactly what I was actually afraid of. Magnus. This is actually the nightmare scenario.”

            “Well, you can use it whenever. No expiry date!” Magnus points out.

            “Yes. Thank you for the duck.”

            “Oh! Elderflower macarons!” The Director gets the same look on her face as she picks up a macaron, though it’s there so briefly Magnus might have thought he’d imagined it if she hadn’t reacted the same way only moments ago.

            She pops the macaron into her mouth without hesitation, thoughtfully chewing, before delivering her verdict. “Hot diggety shit. That is a baller cookie.”

            “Yeah! That’s how we do!” Taako says proudly, smacking his hands together as though brushing off almond flower.

            “But how did- how did you do this?”           

            “The secret is to have the almonds ground down _very_ finely before you try to make the cookie. And the filling has to be thick enough so that the cookie still holds together even if you put it on its side. And, listen, you can check out more in my book, like, Taako doesn’t give lessons for free.” Taako adds while the Director jots down notes on what he’s saying.

            “You give the kid lessons for free.” Merle points out.

            “What was that? I didn’t hear anything from the dwarf who didn’t get our boss anything for Candlenights.”

            “I do! I most definitely got something for our _beloved_ Director.” Merle holds up the music box that was Johann’s gift. “I got you… a little music box.” He says dramatically, passing it over to her. Again, that same look passes over her face. Maybe the Director is just _really_ bad at accepting gifts. Or maybe no one gives her any. Maybe they just always give her _really shitty_ gifts. Magnus has no idea and certainly no way to find out.

            “That’s funny; it looks just like the one Johann gave to me.” Her face remains neutral, though Magnus raises an eyebrow. She _has_ to know, right? She runs the whole damn moon base, no way can she be fooled by Merle’s chicanery. She turns the crank, and the same song that’s in all of the music boxes rings out. “Wow, look at that. Or, listen to that. Same song, too.”

            “I can’t believe he stole your idea, Merle.” Magnus says dramatically.        

            “That little bastard.”

            “Well, he stole the voidfish’s idea at least.” Taako pipes up.

            “So. No gifts between the three of you.” The Director looks at them all. “Seems a little odd.”

            “What are you talking about? I made them ducks, too!” Magnus hands Taako a little duck with a too large carved wizard’s hat on top. Merle gets one with a tiny Extreme Teen Bible.

            Taako grandly presents both Magnus and Merle with an elderflower macaron apiece. And maybe Magnus is reading too much into a cookie, but, somehow, Taako’s elderflower macarons taste like how Magnus would imagine flying feels. Which is a _really_ buckwild sensation to get from a cookie. Maybe he drank too much from Avi’s flask earlier.

            “For Taako, _Linnea borealis_. Which is some fancy fantasy name for honeysuckle, I guess.” Merle hands Taako a small potted plant. “And for Magnus… _Acanthus mollis_. That’s also, uh… fantasy French? You know, anyway, it’s an oyster plant.” Magnus gets one as well. He also wonders if Merle realizes he’ll just be taking care of these plants too.

            There’s one gift remaining under the Candlenights bush, small, and easy for Magnus to scoop up. It’s addressed to the three of them. Only the three of them. Magnus’s eyes flick up to where Angus is chatting with Avi and Johann now as they all flip through different copies of Caleb Cleveland.

            Naturally, Magnus is the one to rush in and open the box. Inside is a velvet covered box, like a jewelry box. Batting away memories that brush up against his mind like cobwebs, of Julia and Raven’s Roost and plans for Candlenights for decades to come, Magnus flips the jewelry box to Taako. Seems more like his style anyway. He does lean over to look as Taako curiously flips the second box open.

            Inside are three dark blue circles, the same shade of blue the Director always wears, actually. The fabric circles have another twelve circles, each different colors all around the edge of the circle. And in the center there’s a word that Magnus can’t read. Not because it’s in another language or overly complicated, not because the font is a nightmare for anyone whose eyes might play tricks on him. Magnus can’t put his finger on it, but whenever he tries to look at the lettering head on, his gaze just seems to sweep off to the side of the words, like trying to swim upstream against a far stronger current.

            The note in the middle, “For your eyes only,” doesn’t help explain things.

            “What is that?” The Director asks, voice curious. “What’d you guys get?”

            “Nothing!” Magnus yelps as, quick as a flash, the box disappears into Taako’s bag. The bracelets clanking together were hardly subtle though.

            Her eyes narrow. “But what-”

            “James Bond movie.” Merle brushes off her concerns, ignoring the confused look that Angus and Brad exchange at the reference. You’d think they’d never heard of James Bond on the moon base or something.

            “Look, it specifically said for our eyes only.” Taako points between the three of them. Taako’s ears flick just as much as Angus’s shoulders fall. Which is to say, not much, but noticeable if you know what to look for.

            The Director straightens up. “This sounds like a security risk, and I-” She doesn’t look convinced by the chorus of negative answers and is about to continue when a new voice interrupts them all.

            The funny thing is, it seems to come from the Director herself.

            “Lucretia!”

            Her pendant is glowing, and it’s only then that Magnus realizes that it’s a Stone of Farspeech. The voice in question sounds vaguely familiar, and from the small gasp from Angus, there’s a reason that’s the case.

            The Director’s -Lucretia’s?- eyes narrow, and she drops her questioning to grab her necklace and stride away. “How did you get this frequency?” Magnus hears her hiss as she goes.

            Once she’s in the most remote corner of the room, there’s some rapid back and forth hissed muttering between her and whoever is on the other end. Magnus leans over to Angus. The “Hug me!” sign is still taped to his back. “So, uh, Ango, you remember who-”

            “YOU DID WHAT?” The Director’s exclamation interrupts Magnus’s question, and Angus jumps. Actually, they all do, though most of them probably wouldn’t admit it. Still, the Director is not one to lose her cool. The mutters become more vehement, angry and frantic, and the Director pulls out a notebook to start writing quickly. Though her tone was irate moments ago, her hand appears steady at this distance.

            Magnus catches Johann’s eye and spins his finger in a circle, trying to get the bard to play music to drown out the party-ruining conversation in the corner. Brad downs about half of his present from Avi at the sight of the Director.

            After a few minutes, the Director strides back over to them, or rather, to Avi, face drawn and posture downright regal. So. Shit’s about to go down then. She hands Avi a sheet of paper. “Navigation, now. Move the headquarters to this location immediately.”

            Magnus approaches, Taako, Merle, and Angus following behind. “Need that backrub now?” He offers, doing his best jazz hands.

            The Director sighs, pinching the bridge of her nose. “Oh, this is not the time nor the place.” She says, tone heavy with more than just her usual gravitas.

            “Offer’s on the table.”

            “Okay. Later. Maybe. Not now.”

            Magnus glances to Avi, who does a double take as he looks at the coordinates. And Magnus can practically see the gears begin to turn in the engineer’s head. “Um. These coordinates are _south_ of here.” Avi waves the slip of paper. Magnus fails to see the point of the statement, but Angus does a similar double take and looks at the Director in confusion at that.

            “And?” Despite the fact that it’s clearly a question, her tone brooks no argument.

            Avi tries anyway. “The moon... doesn’t normally… move south.”

            “Just. Do it.” She says tightly, and even if she’s refused the back rub, Magnus is most certainly of the opinion that now, she could really use one. And at the look on her face, Avi takes off. She turns to the rest of the people in the room.

            “Okay, _listen-_ ”

            “You know, Candlenights-”

            “Back rubs are scientifically shown-”

            “Ma’am, what did Lucas Miller-” As the start of Angus’s question hits Magnus’s ears, it brings with it realization and a stir of recognition. Lucas Miller.

            The Director holds up a hand. “Listen. It’s Lucretia’s time now.” She seems to have accepted that the cat is out of the bag on the whole name thing. Or, the dog is on the moon base? He should use that as an argument in his never-ending dog quest. “Angus is right.”

            “No shit.” Taako can’t seem to help the muttered interruption. Magnus and Merle both quickly dig elbows into his sides.

            “Lucas Miller, our scientific advisor…” She shakes her head, clearly frustrated.

            “Yeah, also known as guy who was an asshole to the voidfish. We know.” Magnus nods.

            “Oh yeah, hate that dipshit.” Taako agrees.

            “Douchebag!” Merle sings.

            “What did he do?” Angus asks.

            “He’s gone too far this time.” She says shortly. “He somehow hijacked the frequency of my emergency Stone of Farspeech-”

            “The nerve!” Merle exclaims.

            “No macaron for him!”

            “And he’s informed me of a fairly dire situation.” The Director no longer seems to give a fuck about their frequent interruptions, Magnus notes, hiding a smile. Not very well. But at least the effort is there, if the shit is actually about to hit the fan. “He found a Grand Relic, and-”

            “What?”

            “He’s been examining it behind our backs.”

            “He’s not a Reclaimer!”

            “Yes, no shit, Magnus.” The Director states, somehow infusing gravitas into even this statement. “However, as Lucas is a-”

            “Douchebag?” Merle suggests again.”

            “Consultant for the Bureau, actually. As such, he’s been inoculated, as you know, but he’s certainly not, not _authorized_ to go and track one down and start _experimenting_ with it.”

            “Do you think he succumbed to the thrall, ma’am?” Angus looks up at the Director, adjusting his glasses and clearly thinking. “…Which one?”

            She exhales heavily. “The Philosopher’s Stone.”

            “Oh, cool. Cool?” Taako says. Magnus has the same question.

            “Uh oh.” Angus’s response would seem to indicate otherwise.

            “Uh oh indeed. The Philosopher’s Stone is the Relic from the school of Transmutation, capable of transmuting any object into another. Best case scenario, you could bank roll an army indefinitely.”

            “And, uh, the worst case scenario?” Taako asks, ears twitching at the mention of his school of magic. He’s probably got some ideas hiding under that big hat of his.

            “…It could turn the entire world into solid crystal, thus extinguishing all life on the planet.”

            “Well that’s oddly specific.” Merle comments.

            Taako ignores Merle and replies to the Director. “So, yeah, pretty, pretty bad. But, uh, listen. I’m confused. Why does Lucas want to crystallize the entire planet?”

            At that, Lucas, who is apparently still on call with the Director, starts talking, “Listen, it’s not me who’s doing this, okay? And okay, okay, yes, I found the Philosopher’s Stone, and I was doing experiments with it to help the Bureau-”

            “And _what_ would _she_ say about that, Lucas?” The Director interrupts. Angus looks at the Director, brow furrowed.

            “…Okay, I _might_ have overstepped on some, uh, ethical scientific boundaries-” Magnus can practically hear the air quotes around the words, “-but it was s-some _thing_ else that took over the Philosopher’s Stone and used it to turn the exterior of my lab into solid pink tourmaline-”

            “Props on the aesthetic,” Taako mutters.

            “And it’s somehow still channeling it, so the crystal is still very much virulent. And spreading.”

            “Are you the only one in the lab, sir?”

            “Yeah, I mean, I have some robotic helpers, mostly, and uh, well, never mind, but robots don’t have the sentience for something like this. I don’t know what’s taken over the Stone, and I’m trapped in my medbay right now. I should explain: my lab is separated by arcane airlocks, which kept the whole lab from becoming pink tourmaline. But the exterior of the lab is all virulent crystal, and the suspension cores on my lab can’t support the extra weight. So I’m slowly sinking to the Stillwater Sea. And if I hit that? It’s game over for everyone.”

            Magnus slowly turns to look at Angus, who, at some point or another, pulled out a pen and paper. Or maybe he just got that from the Director as a Candlenights gift. “You got all that?”

 

* * *

 

            Merle tunes out Lucas’s blathering about calculations and energy reserves and thrusters and all that weird sci-fi shit. Important part: 82 minutes until the planet’s a rock. And while they might be safe up here on the moon? Crystal planet’s still kind of a problem.

            “So, Lucas, Magnus here-”

            “That’s pretty obvious, sir.”

            “Magnus here, and how do we get in then, if your whole lab is contagious crystal?”

            “Pink tourmaline.”

            “I am an adult, and I am not saying that.”

            “Fine. And I think I have a solution for that. Lucretia?”

            “Stop doing that. It’s Madame Director.” She ignores Magnus’s snort.

            “What happened to Lucretia time?” Merle asks.

            “Madame Director time now.”

            “Okay, Madame Director. I think we’re going to need the null suits.”

            “Fine. We’ll pull your ass out of the fire this time, Lucas, and when this is all over, we’re going to have a nice long talk about the ethics of keeping dangerous magic objects in your lab. Over and out.” She ends the calls and then looks to them. Merle puffs up at that. “Despite… all this, normal mission parameters. Taako, Magnus, and Merle, you’re in charge of Reclaiming the Relic, not Lucas. _Don’t_ let him near it.

            “Killian, Carey, and Boyland-” and Merle notes with no small amount of distaste that the other dwarf is still around. Shouldn’t father of the year over here be spending Candlenights with his 413 children? “-it’s time for the Regulators to roll out.” The Director finishes the sentence far too grimly for how cool it is. Why couldn’t she say something cool about their job description? Merle will have to give her a couple cool suggestions later. “You’re to detain and extract Lucas for his abuse of confidential information. Standard protocol applies. If he makes a move for the Relic-”

            “You got it!” Killian says, and, smoothly, in unison like an actual damn team, the three move toward the door and to the elevator.

            “And, uh, me, ma’am?” Angus asks, eyeing the Director.

            “You shouldn’t go.” She says immediately.

            “…That wasn’t an order.” Taako tilts his head as he looks at her, ears twitching.

            “I’m assuming you’re going to insist that he goes with you.” She explains.

            “Well, yeah, but, uh, I assumed I was going to have to make the argument first. Got some real good points about needing all the help we can get as fast as possible with the whole time sitch and how we’re all dead anyway if we screw up. Plus, uh…” Taako trails off, looking at the kid. “…Never mind.”

            “As much as I absolutely do not think this is a good idea, as you said, we frankly don’t have any time to waste on bullshit. So. Angus?”

            “I’m going.”

            “…I thought as much.” She sounds resigned. So is Merle at this point, honestly. At least the kid’s useful.

            “So, uh, Lucretia, how well do you know Lucas? Is this all a trick?” Magnus changes track.

            “Nope!” Taako shakes his head.

            “Yeah, that’s a little weird. And we were doing so well on not being on a first name basis with our boss.”

            “Yeah, that shit ain’t gonna fly.” The Director actually looks like hearing Magnus say her name is painful for her.

            “Madame Director Lucretia, how well do you know Lucas?”

            “Still bad. And, I know him fairly well, though Maureen, ah, more so. I worked with the Miller family to found the Bureau of Balance; much of what we do would be impossible without their scientific innovations. I mean, surely you know the Miller family?”

            “Doesn’t ring a bell. Ooh, did they do the thing with bells and dogs?” Merle asks.

            “Elevators, sir. The Miller family is most well-known for their invention of elevators.”

            “Well, I was close!”

            “Not really, sir.”

            “So they’re scientists? And the Relics have a strong corrupting influence. So, I’m no best boy detective-” The joke is minimized by Magnus tousling the kid’s hair, who practically glows in response, “-but, uh, this one also sounds like it would be the most corrupting of a scientist?”

            “I mean. It’s a bad one all the way around. They’re all bad, all the way around. But the fact that he’s already using it, probably means it’s too late…” She looks bummed out. Maybe Merle should scrounge up another Candlenights gift for her. He could make some kind of coaster for her! “Lucas has never wanted to join the Bureau, and now I fear that this was his plan all along, to get the information the Seekers have been gathering and the confidential information I’ve shared to track down and use a Relic himself.”

            There’s a beat. Then a clatter. Then a, “Davenport!” as the gnome enters.

            “Davenport, read the room!” The Director snaps, and the atmosphere in the room does change at that, with the four of them, Merle, Magnus, Taako, and even the kid, looking at the Director in reproach. Davenport, for his part, slumps, and Merle hates that with a strength that surprises him.

            “Hey, uh, Davenport. Macaron?” Taako tries. The kid passes it over, and a far more thoughtful look seems to pass through Davenport’s eyes for a moment as he eats it, straightening up into an almost military posture. But then the look is gone, and Merle figures he probably just imagined it. Right?

            The look sticks with him though, up through Leon’s reveal of the null suit chamber and explanation of how they work. But then he asks what color suit they want.

            “Magnus?”

            “I gotta go with burgundy.” Magnus says. “My green undertones and all.”

            A sigh. “Merle?”

            “Uh… burnt umber?”

            A louder sigh. “Taako?”

            “Cinnamon, my dude!”

            “But- but- okay, fine. Angus?”

            “Carmine.”

            Leon throws his hands up in the air. “But those are just all _dumb shades of red_.”

            “Yeah, but we picked ‘em.” Merle points out.

            “Fine, fine. Dumb shades of red it is. You’ll clash with all that pink crystal, but fine.”

            “Carmine isn’t dumb.”

            “Burgundy’s more purple.” Magnus points out.

            “I didn’t actually know what burnt umber was. Just sounded cool.”

            “Somehow I guessed.” Leon sighs before going to get the suits, passing them out.

            Taako looks at the suit that Leon gives him and then back up to the gnome. “…This isn’t a latte.” He says, feigning confusion, ears perked up in amusement.

            “No, Taako it is not.” Leon exhales heavily as they all pull on the suits over their clothes. “Fine, fine, first time we test the null suits, and you all pick red. Let’s get this crank turning.”

            “Oh, do I need to hand you a coin for that?”

            The noise Leon makes can probably be heard several buildings away.

 

* * *

 

             Flip wizard or not, even Taako has a hard time walking over to the hangar from Leon’s office, what with the rapidly worsening snowfall and the moon _nyoom_ ing through the sky toward Lucas’s lab. He reaches out automatically to catch a slipping Angus.

            “I wonder what they’re thinking down there.”

            Taako snorts. “Probably that they’ve had just a little too much Candlenights punch.”

            The Regulators are already in the hangar with the Director, Avi, and Brad, dressed in null suits as well. Two gondolas are sitting next to Avi. Where they got them and why the moon base has them is unclear.

            “How come you all picked red?” Carey, in green, asks. Killian is wearing orange, and Boyland looks thrilled to be in yellow.

            “How come you didn’t?” Magnus asks in response.

            The Director has reconnected her call with Lucas. “So, uh, there are a few points of entry for the lab, but your best bet right now is the conservatory roof. The skylight up there is open, so you should be able to just pop right in. Once you’re inside, just start heading to the center of the lab, and you’ll find the medbay where I’m holed up. It’s off the main elevator lobby, same floor as the conservatory, so no elevators or stairs required. You’ll have to go through some of my lab facilities on the way, and if you can power them down as you go, you’ll free up power that I can then channel back into the suspension core and buy us all some more time.”

            “We have to be careful, sirs.” Angus says quietly, quietly enough that Lucas can’t hear. He’s eyeing the pendant in the Director’s hand. “We’ve got every indication that Lucas is reckless and that his experiments aren’t exactly going to be compliant with fantasy safety standards.”

            “We’ll be _fine_ , Ango.” Magnus claps Angus on the back.

            “Wait, Ango? The kid isn’t coming, is he?” Lucas sounds alarmed. “My lab is no place for a kid.” Brad looks like he needs the other half of Avi’s gift right about now.

            “Well, it’s also no place for a, uh, Grand Relic and shitload of crystal,” Taako drawls out, not particularly liking Lucas’s comment.

            “Okay, point, point taken. But, look, it’s going to be dangerous.”

            “Lucas, Magnus here. Speaking of danger. Is there going to be like, oh, I don’t know, any crystalline monsters or bad guys of any sort?”

            It’s nearly impossible to gain any insight as to someone’s intent over the Stone of Farspeech, and Taako can’t tell if Lucas is hiding anything when he says, “Well, I, uh, I mean, I didn’t see anything? I just saw my lab go all pink and crystal and I ran for the airlock.”

            The Director clears her throat, getting their attention. “You should hang onto this,” She says as she pulls the pendant holding the Stone of Farspeech over her head. Magnus bends over and she puts it around his neck through the visor on the helmet.

            “Hell yeah!” Carey seems to be the only one actually excited. “You ready to get busy living or get busy dyin’?”

            “Sure.” Merle says. Then pauses. “Wait. Dying?”

            They crowd around the open hatch, Taako again giving the gondolas some considerable side eye. The snowstorm has gotten even worse in during their brief conversation. Still, they have some visibility on where they’re headed. Lucas’s lab is down below, one singular dome that is currently covered in so much pink crystal that it belongs in Fantasy Legally Blonde.

            “Ah, we had to get a bit, well, _creative_ with your approach.” The Director says, and she points to the gondolas. The Regulators immediately dive toward theirs, quickly jumping in as though they’re preparing for a log flume ride. Tres Horny Boys plus Angus move more slowly into their own. “We can’t have you connected between base and lab in any way, because if a rope touched the crystal? We’d lose the base. So, we’ve attached a sort of levitation charm to the gondolas, and we’re kind of just going to… hurl you down there.”

            “Yeet!” Magnus hisses under his breath.

            “Correct. Avi will yeet you off of the moon base and down to the lab below.”

            They look to Avi, who waves at them. Taako starts trying to remember just how much alcohol Avi had consumed at the party.

            “This doesn’t sound particularly… safe, ma’am.”

            “It isn’t.”

            “I’m on board!” Magnus says. Naturally, Magnus “Rushes In,” Burnsides has occupied the front of the gondola.

            “Has OSHA cleared this?” Merle asks.

            Brad, standing next to the Director, shakes his head, sighing.

            “More like, OSHIT, let’s go, am I right?” Magnus puts his hand up for a high five. Angus tentatively gives him one.

            “Don’t encourage him, Djangus.”

            Avi pushes the Regulators off first, and, from the screams that echo up, Carey Fangbattle does in fact seem to be treating this like some sort of ride. And then Avi is pushing the gondola forward. And then they’re falling through the snowstorm and cold night air to the crystallized lab below.

            The ride is actually pretty peaceful, and Taako might be tempted to try something similar on the water. Up until Taako has to tug Angus back from looking over the edge of the gondola. “Do _not_ tip us, little man.” He warns. “This has been going surprisingly well so far, and-”

            A squall hits the gondola, rocking the boat and buoying them upward. The Regulators’ trajectory is thrown off entirely; Taako can see it as it happens, practically see the projected arc of their path shift dramatically. And they soar off way, way past the rapidly approaching dome roof and the promised open skylight. Taako doesn’t see where they actually end up, doesn’t even have time to before they crash with a cacophony of crystalline crinkling, skidding to a stop with Magnus’s part of the gondola hanging over the edge of the skylight.

            Talk about a dramatic entrance.

            At least they stopped.

            Even as Taako thinks that though, the gondola begins to crystallize as well, the pink crystal slowly spreading. He watches the gradual transmutation for a moment, tense, but sure enough, it has no effect on the null suit. He lets out a breath he’d been unaware he was holding.

            At least that transmutation is under control.

            As he has that thought, there’s a groan and a whine from the boat underneath them as the weight of the crystal begins to drag the front of the boat down into the skylight.

            “I say we move backward in the boat. Very. Carefully.” Merle speaks slowly and quietly, scarcely audible above the storm, as though afraid the sudden sound topple the boat and send them falling.

            “That sounds like a very reasonable idea, sir.” Angus says, already scooting backward behind Taako. Taako slips on the tourmaline as he goes, but the others manage to scoot him back as well, and the boat stabilizes.

            “All right!” Magnus declares, pulling out a rope. “Let’s get climbing!” Before anyone can offer any commentary on this decision (and indeed Taako has a few words), Magnus has tied off the rope and set scurrying down on it. Merle starts climbing as well, starting and skidding and no doubt about to get rope burn.

            Taako looks at Angus just as Angus looks at Taako. “So. Feather Fall, sir?” Angus nods to the Umbra Staff, and Taako grins.

            “Hell yeah.”

            Taako casts the spell on himself, Angus, and even Merle. They float down landing next to Magnus. “You couldn’t have said something?” He gestures to the Umbra Staff.

            “Did. You were already halfway down, my dude.” Taako shrugs before turning to take in his surroundings.

 

* * *

 

            The conservatory was full of trees. Well, Angus thinks, clarifying to himself, it still is, but they’re trees of solid pink tourmaline now. Two paths of pink tourmaline wind their way out from where the four have landed; the light of the stars and the real moon, muted through the snow-filled clouds, glints off the crystal surfaces, showing them the way. The first seems to lead to a pond, now just as crystal as everywhere else, while the other appears to lead to a garden.

            “We need to get to the interior of the lab,” Angus speaks quietly, listening as his voice faintly echoes off the tinkling crystal. It’s not that this seems dangerous so far, though it most certainly is, rather more like some alien world waiting to be explored.

            Wordlessly, Taako points, and Angus sees what has gotten the wizard’s attention. Far, far away, across the smooth pink surface of the pond, there is a circle of light. It’s notable because it’s not the same gleam of the pink crystal but rather a soft white light. Either way, something that isn’t crystallized here? Sounds like a very compelling clue to Angus.

            After some shrugs of agreement all the way around and some slipping and sliding from Merle on the slick surface, the four figures, all dressed in red, begin making their way down the path and across the pond.

            The tinkles of the crystal, which have been dancing delicately in Angus’s ears since their landing, pick up in volume, rising to a steady hum, almost like…

            Almost like a melody.

            And as Angus has that thought, an inhuman, almost ethereal voice begins to sing, ringing out and rebounding off the crystal,

            “Pulled from my home inside a cloud,

            Lost to the dark, I drift alone,

            Now I’ve returned beyond the shroud,

            Ever to reign upon my throne,

            Here in my crystal kingdom.”

            And as the synthetic voice and haunting melody is still fading, Angus hears Taako call out, “What the fuuuuuuuuuuuck?”

            The spell cast over the room seems to shatter. As Taako shouts, a small tear seems to appear in the air, some kind of… rift. Definitely magical in nature, but Angus doesn’t have time to divine much else in that instant. A small sphere of light pops out of the rift, hovering gracefully for a moment, before diving into the pond below. Which is when things start getting very interesting, very quickly. And suddenly the crystal lab -crystal kingdom?- seems a lot more dangerous.

            Trees fall with loud shattering sounds, and it feels as though an earthquake is rocking the whole lab beneath their feet. Angus stumbles and is still trying to catch his balance when the jagged bits of crystal from the trees fly out of the garden and to the enormous piece of crystal that has erupted from the center of the pond, where the sphere of light fell, and is now floating in midair.

            Angus hits the deck. The hard surface of the crystal pond, even shaky and unstable, is preferable to getting hit with a shard of crystal. And, strangely enough, the crystals for the most part seem to almost… actively avoid him? Angus straightens his glasses on his face with Mage Hand, looking up in confusion.

            Taako, Magnus, and Merle are having nowhere near similar luck, though Taako and Magnus avoid hits. Merle lets out a sharp sounding noise as an equally sharp crystal hits him. Angus feels blind panic for a moment before, looking at Merle, he realizes the null suit isn’t torn and the cleric is safe. Well, he got hit for approximately seven points of blunted damage, but he’s not turning into a crystal cleric any time soon.

            Angus carefully brings himself back up to standing and looks at the still hovering crystal. And gulps. The enormous crystal now comprises the body of an enormous crystal golem, a body covered in jagged spikes. What should be the head is a pyramid of several different crystal pieces. Arms nearly the length of the body have four claws apiece, razor sharp and the length of Angus’s arm. Long legs that it really doesn’t need descend down to points that hover inches above the floor. The small ball of light that appeared out of the rift has spread throughout the entirety of the crystal golem, causing it to emit a faint pink glow that casts long shadows in the four’s wake.

            “So, did I ever tell you about the time I fought all those crystal monsters?” Magnus’s lie, murmured out of the corner of his mouth, is unconvincing, Angus thinks. It appears the shield agrees.

            “Hail and well met!” Taako waves cheerily, apparently in no way intimidated by the giant rock monster. “My name is Taako, and you look like you’re made of salt!”

            At that the crystal golem, which has up until this point remained perfectly still, merely observing the four of them, flies rapidly and silently to Taako, getting very much inside the wizard’s personal space bubble. Angus lets out a soft gasp, unable to stop himself, immediately worried. It brings its head practically to Taako’s level as though eyeing him. “Little hard of hearing, huh?” Taako asks sympathetically. The light in the crystal flickers, flares a bit. “Well, that’s okay, that’s cool, come on in. You see, we’re adventurers, and we’re looking for the interior.” No response. “Hey. Hey, salt! Where’s the middle of the lab? What’s up now, Geodude?”

            Ignoring Taako’s queries, the crystal golem flies away and straight up to Magnus, who, unsurprisingly, does not back down, somehow managing to successfully hold a staring contest with a thing that doesn’t have eyes. The light glows brighter for a moment.

            The crystal golem flies away from Magnus and then starts approaches Angus, who braces himself because he can’t let them down, he can’t-

            The crystal golem completely ignores him.

            It instead flies silently up to Merle, light burning brighter than ever, almost angry, Angus would say. It pulls back and raises one of those arms with all its menacing claws. “You,” It says, in a voice like crashing boulders.

            Merle, for his part, looks to his left and right, turns his head to look behind him as though expecting someone else. “Me?” He asks in befuddlement.

            Angus, however, isn’t confused. That means it’s initiative time.

 

* * *

 

            It’s weird how, even though the crystal golem has no discernible eyes of any kind, and even though it’s Magnus who is, unsurprisingly, rushing in to attack the giant floating crystal monster thing, Merle can tell that the thing is just _watching_ him. It’s unsettling, and if you’re going to be eyeing Merle like that, you should at least have, you know, eyes.

            “Hey, Fantasy Elle Woods!” Magnus yells as he brings Railsplitter down on the crystal golem, and oh, yes, very effective, Magnus, you got some chips out of there. Might just have enough to make some nice gifts for next Candlenights. The shout does get the golem’s attention though, and the second swing sending more chunks of crystal flying does seem to annoy it.

            And it does start to go for Magnus, much to Merle’s relief after the whole creepy pointing and “You,” thing.

            It just doesn’t finish attacking Magnus.

            Quick as Merle can blink (cause Pan knows this thing sure can’t), it switches from Magnus to Merle, swinging one of its massive arms, and Merle gets a good look at the very sharp virulent crystal claws before they smack into him.

            As with the shard earlier though, the suit doesn’t tear, but at this point, Merle is resigned to being more bruise than dwarf by the end of the night.

            A flash of blue and white, noticeable against all the pink, shoots by Merle, and collides with one of the golem’s arms, ice forming around the spikes, elongating them. “Hey, kid, the point is to _beat_ the pink crystal monster, not _give it better weapons!_ ” Merle calls to Angus just before two of the suddenly more brittle spikes break off, dropping to the ground and shattering. “…Never mind!” He calls again.

            Well, if the _kid_ is doing something, then Merle’s got to roll out the big guns. Or big… angels? A spectral woman, ten feet high (just as tall as the monster, and Merle is feeling real short standing between the two) and armed with sword and shield, appears next to Merle, with a soft, benevolent smile on her face. Yeah, they’ll see how benevolent she is when that stupid crystal golem attacks Merle again. He snorts.

            “Hey, salt! Listen! You know anything about the physics of sound and resonant frequencies? You’re gonna fuckin’ find out!” Taako yells, and a Panawful noise rings out above Merle’s head. The rock monster joins in as well, letting out a shriek like glass scraping against glass (or, probably, crystal against crystal) before its non-icy arm shatters, joining the frozen remnants of the two arm spikes on the ground below.

            And that would be really cool and all, if, as the echoes of the shriek were still dying off, there weren’t more ominous crinkle tinkles coming from behind them. Just as quickly, more crystals stream past them all, reforming into even sharper, deadlier arms.

            Oh, joy.

            “Uh… sometimes Magnus rushes out?” Magnus calls out in an uncertain high-pitched voice.

            “That sounds like a very smart plan at this point, sir!” Angus’s eyes are practically as big as the lenses of his nerd glasses at this point.

            “Yeah, I’m cool with running. Taako’s good with that.”

            “I mean, my axe did like, not a lot of damage, and to be entirely honest, I’m not used to that!”

            “If it keeps regenerating, we’re never going to win either. And we’re surrounded by _growing_ quantities of the thing it’s using to regenerate!”

            Merle looks at the three others. “I can’t believe you three!” He says, indignant. “We could win! Easy!”

            “If we die, no more Candlenights bonus!”

            “And Boyland will probably cry at your funeral, sir!”

            “Run! Run away!” They start a sprint back toward that white circle of light.

            Which grants an opportunity to the crystal golem.

            Which grants an opportunity to Della Reese.

            The rock monster shrieks again, more loudly this time, as the spectral sword stabs right through its stupid pink crystal body, sending more shards of crystal everywhere. And as Della Reese withdraws her sword, that same little weird ball of light pops out of the crystal, which drops to the ground with a series of crashing sounds. By the time Merle looks back up, that little ball of light is popping out of the room through another rift.

            “We did it!” Magnus cheers, raising his arms.

            “Technically, Merle did it, sir.”

            “ _Thank you_.” Merle raises a hand to his chest. “But I believe the credit actually goes to my Guardian of Faith, Della Reese.”

            She looks down at all of them, still with that benevolent smile. “Looks like someone just got touched by an angel.” And she dissipates.

            “Wait, Merle!” Magnus exclaims. “Cleric! Divine shit! That’s why the thing was going after you! Your cleric magic hurt it more!”

            “I think that Magnus is correct. It seemed that your radiant magic hurt it exactly twice as much. Double damage, if you will.”

            “Yeah, yeah, Merle did something cool for once; let’s get out of here.” Taako’s already halfway to the white light, which turns out to be emanating from a hatch.

            As they approach, the unfortunate, not-actually-present, and even-more-annoying-than-Angus fifth member of their party speaks up. “Okay, what the hell was that?”

 

* * *

 

            Taako rolls his eyes as Lucas continues talking. “I heard some crinkle tinkles and then lots of crumbling and crackling and crystal breaking.”

            “Oh, nothing, we just fought off a crystal monster, no big deal.” Magnus waves it off, both figuratively and literally. Taako’s gonna have to remind him that people can’t _see_ over the Stone of Farspeech. What does he think it is, some kind of Stone of Farsight?

            “What.” Lucas asks flatly. And maybe a bit scared? Well, Taako might be scared of crystal monsters. At least, if he hadn’t seen this one. Somehow… not particularly intimidating.

            “Yeah, crystal monster. We lured it into a trap, and, uh-”

            “By pretending to run away!” Merle jumps in.

            “Right, right, lured it into a trap by pretending to run. And he fell for it, the dingus.”

            “And we killed it!” Magnus finishes.

            “I’m… not so sure about that, sir.” Angus un-finishes.

            “But there shouldn’t- there shouldn’t _be_ anything out there. No crystal monsters or anything. Everything should just be frozen-”

            “Well tell that to the crystal monster whose ass we just kicked.” Magnus points to the broken crystal on the ground across the room. Again with the forgetting that Lucas can’t see shit.

            “Oh. Sir? Uh, Lucas?” Angus asks. “Did you… Sir, over the course of your research, did you ever hear any kind of voice from the crystals, as though someone were talking to you? Or, more specifically, singing?”

            “No, nothing like that. At all.”

            “Cool. Cool cool cool.” Magnus nods.

            “Definitely didn’t happen to us either.” Taako says, nodding while crossing his fingers behind his back, and fine, maybe he _won’t_ remind Magnus that Lucas can’t see them right now.

            “Okay, so, uh, weird crystal monster and brush with death aside, have you made it to the exit of the conservatory at the first arcane airlock? It should look like-”

            “A circular hatch with two doors and a circle in the middle emanating white light?” Angus asks.

            “…Yeah.”

            “Then yes!” Magnus declares.

            “Okay, then just, just head on through. And then I can power it down and send that energy to the suspension cores. It’ll buy us a little time at least. Like… 26 minutes?”

            “Sir, I find your mathematical methods questionable at best.” Angus comments as Magnus pokes at the hatch and attempts to pull the doors apart. Taako snorts, ears flicking in amusement.

            “Wait.” Magnus whirls to face them, hand covering the pendant. “What about the egulators-ray?”

            “Huh?” Merle asks, seemingly having forgotten about Killian, Carey, and Boyland altogether.

            Taako rolls his eyes, ears twitching and swinging the Umbra Staff around. “Well. We don’t know where they are and if they’re dead or not. Off to a great start right there.”

            “But we can draw some logical conclusions, sir. It’s simple deductive reasoning. We dropped into the furthest point from the medbay because it was the easiest access point. They overshot us, so, whether they’re still outside the lab or Killian punched through the crystal-”

            “That’s a great idea, Angus! Why didn’t I think of that?”

            “Anyway, if they somehow got inside, they’re ahead of us-”

            “Everyone always is,” Merle says, dejectedly, and Taako isn’t entirely sure if it’s an act or not.

            “But we should be able to catch up. And they don’t have to worry about whatever section they’re in randomly losing power because Lucas only knows about us.”

            “Ango makes a good point.” Magnus nods while increasingly disgruntled muffled noises are emanating from the Stone Magnus has his hand over. How a hand over the suit over the Stone is any different from suit over Stone, Taako isn’t sure, but apparently it works.

            “Hello! Hello? I said, have you gone into the arcane airlock yet?” Lucas sounds exasperated. Taako’s pretty sure he knows how that feels, considering they weren’t exactly warned in advance that tonight was going to be all magic crystal and near death experiences instead of the usual threat of coworkers getting too tipsy.

            “No, we have been dillydallying and lollygagging,” Merle replies.

            “You know that’s not exactly great for keeping my lab out of the Stillwater Sea, right?”

            “You also haven’t told us how to get into the arcane airlock either, Lucas. How are we supposed to move forward if we aren’t working as a team?” Magnus admonishes.

            Lucas lets out a long sigh. “You-”

            “Never mind! Ango got it open.” Angus looks at all of them, woefully unimpressed as the hatch doors separate after he placed his hand on the panel.

            “Next chamber should be clear then.”

            “Should be?” Of course, Merle balks. “What if it’s a trap?”

            “It’s not a trap!” Lucas insists.

            “Which is exactly what he would say if it’s a trap!”

            “Sir, remember the part where I said the Regulators, including Boyland, should be ahead of us?”

            “Fiiiiiiine.”

            The arcane airlock doors slide closed behind them, and, even in the null suit, the air feels strangely still and heavy. What’s even fuckin’ weirder is that the sensation is somehow familiar, but Taako has certainly never been in a nerd lab like this before. The airlock splits into a branch up ahead.

            Taako ignores nerdlord’s further rambling about picking a side and sending more energy into the suspension cores to instead read the signs attached to each branch. Research Materials Storage Chamber or the Magical World of Elevators.

            “So, elevators, right? This one’s easy.”

            “Oh, definitely.”

            “I guess so?”

            Angus is looking to the other side. “I wonder what research materials he’s using…”

            “Nope! Elevators time, Ango McDango! No time for nerdy diversions!” Taako steers them all onward. Wait, hadn’t he almost died in an elevator last adventure?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll be honest, I should not be writing this note with the mood I'm currently in, but I did want to post since I finally finished this chapter.
> 
> CK's probably gonna be four chapters since there was just a whole ton of exposition to wade through. They might tend toward shorter chapters (for me), so we'll see how it goes, I guess. Or, I will, at least.


	12. Angus McDonald, Trivia Master

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter’s got everything but the kitchen sink! Wait, there’s one of those floating around in Lucas’s zero gravity trash heap. Also featuring cockroaches and the only thing more unkillable than cockroaches, robots both naughty and nice, light breaking and entering, some very huggable bugbears, a whole lot of dunking on Lucas, and one author having fun with metaphysics.
> 
> Angus has the answers. Magnus makes some discoveries. Merle should probably know more about cleric things. Taako’s good out here.

            As promised, the next room is free of crystal. And very much full of elevators, Angus notes. It has the feel of a museum, one hall lined with different exhibits housing different elevators. It smells faintly of mildew and dust.

            Angus looks at Taako, smug smile on his face. “So, sure seems like the Research Materials would have been more fun, huh?”

            “Hey, elevators are great!” Lucas objects over the stone. “Though, uh, I mean, this lab has been in my family for a few, a few generations now, and I got it from my mom. And, uh, there _might_ have been a codicil in the will that I… keep the Magical World of Elevators, ‘cause it’s my grandpa’s greatest technological achievement. And Grandpa Roman had a lot of those. But you can look around, learn some things about elevators.”

            “With our abundant free time while we’re trying to keep the whole world from turning to crystal?” Angus asks dryly.

            “Yeah, don’t we have shit to do? Weren’t you just telling us off for not going through the airlock you hadn’t told us how to get through?” Magnus adds on.

            “Okay, then, you can look at them as you walk straight through.” Lucas sounds annoyed, but they’re already walking.

            “So, do you feel like you’re in Roman’s shadow? A, uh, small shadow?” Taako asks, looking less than impressed with an oversized bucket on a rope. Angus isn’t very impressed with that one either. Its pulley system barely helps to reduce the load you’d actually be pulling. It’d be a better idea to have Magnus throw you up to the next floor.

            “Well, I mean, I do want to make my own mark, but people aren’t exactly looking for a new and better elevator once they’ve got a perfectly good one-”

            “It’s an up and down business, right?” Magnus nudges Angus, Taako, and Merle in turn. Nobody laughs.

            “Um.”

            “So, Angus.” Magnus asks curiously as they walk. “Was that… normal for the Philosopher’s Stone? You’ve done a ton of reading on this shit, this sound right?”

            Angus is about to reply when Merle yells, “Stomp on them!” Angus turns to see Magnus, Taako, and Merle all start after some scurrying cockroaches that came from the bucket. “No, sir, the Philosopher’s Stone just transmutes matter; it can’t animate it.” Magnus gets his cockroach. At least with the null suit that won’t be tracked into their dorm room. “And then since the rift just… appeared, it seems like that was some sort of ghost or spirit, something out of the Astral Plane.” Taako squishes his, disgusted look on his face. “But that’s not… that’s not something ghosts normally do, sir.” Merle misses his.

            “Well, keep thinking on it, ‘cause your guess is better than ours. And Merle’s aim.” Magnus says. Merle turns on his heel and glares.

            “Pan loves all creatures!”           
            “Squishing them was your idea, sir.”

            They pass another bucket; this one appears to be gas-powered and positively lethal. Angus gives that one a wide berth. Then comes “Upsy, Your Lifting Friend.” Angus gives that one a wider berth. This brings him closer to the other row, lined with elevators that were all designed by Maureen Miller and appear to be more function than form for the most part. Aside from “Upsy the Rad Lifting Dude” and “Downzo” that is.

            At the end is a futuristic sort of elevator that seems to be almost on top of a miniature model of Neverwinter in a glass cylinder. It’s labeled as, “The Elevator of Tomorrow.”

            Naturally, Lucas promptly speaks up, “Oh, so the Elevator of Tomorrow? I actually had left that in demo mode-”

            “Why?” Angus asks immediately. Why would you leave something plugged in and running if it’s not in use or if you don’t need it that often? And somehow, Angus doubts that the Elevator of Tomorrow is needed that often around here.

            “Why?” Lucas parrots the question back in confusion.

            “Why is it in demo mode if no one is using it?”  
            “Well, here’s the thing.” Lucas completely avoids the question. “It’s actually, uh, sucking up a lot of power-” which, actually, is in no way a surprise to Angus, “-so if you can go in and cycle through the demo, then I can power it down, and-”

            “Channel it back into the suspension core.” The four say in unison, eyeing the elevator. Angus is thinking back to their last elevator adventure in Goldcliff, and not particularly fondly at that.

            “So what’s the demo do?” Magnus crouches to look at the model of Neverwinter. That too looks futuristic, though Angus isn’t sure how realistic it all is.

            “Oh, I wouldn’t want to ruin the surprise.”

            “Well, I’ll ruin this surprise. I’m not going.” Taako shakes his head.

            “What?” Magnus asks.

            “Lucas _said_ no elevators required.”

            “He did?”

            “I did?”

            “Oh, because the medbay’s on the same level.” Angus nods. “He did say that.”

            “So, no elevators for Taako. No. Thank. You.” Taako nods decisively, ears flicking.

            “But Taako, the demo is really cool.” Lucas whines.

            “Nope. I definitely almost died and a plant tried to eat my dick or something the last time we got in an elevator.”

            “Oh, come on. The plant tried to eat _my_ dick.” Magnus grabs Taako and starts to put him over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes. A sack of very angry potatoes. Needlelike fingernails dig into Magnus’s shoulder even through two layers of null suit, and Magnus loosens his grip. Taako scrambles free, catlike, and, equally as catlike, lands gracefully on his feet.

            He’s several feet away and practically hissing as he pulls out the Umbra Staff. “Do it, and I swear, I will burn a spell slot on you.”

            “Um. Guys. It’s only three minutes. Just. Just someone has to go down and do it.”

            “Okay, okay. I’m gonna go. Taako’s gonna stay out here, Lucas. Merle and Angus-”

            “Yes. Taako is _very much_ good out here.” Taako crosses his arms, glaring. Staring them all down, he reaches into his bag and pulls out the pocket spa. Within moments, he’s glaring at them from inside it.

            “Fine. I’ll go, too. Keep Maggie here out of trouble.” Merle says, patting Magnus on the arm.

            “Okay, and then Angus-”

            “Is staying out here, too!” Taako yells before pulling Angus into the pocket spa, too.

            “Uh, sir? It’s fine, and I can go help-”

            “Listen, little man, as a, uh, _far more experienced wizard_ , let me ask you something. How many spell slots do you have?”

            “Um, three?”

            “Right! Little tiny baby wizard. So, if you use one that’s, uh, math percent less.”

            “Thirty-three percent less.”

            “Right!”

            “Sir. You nearly gave Jenkins an aneurysm by mocking him for not using a spell.”

            “Well, Jenkins was a far older and shittier wizard, and he killed people! So that was fine.”

            “So I can’t go because-”

            “Uh, they’re already gone?” And when Angus looks up, Magnus and Merle have in fact already stepped into the elevator, seemingly having accepted Taako’s demands. The door closes behind them. “Shandwich?” Taako asks, handing Angus a tuna fish sandwich, already having taken an oversized bite of his own.

            Angus accepts it automatically and takes a bite. Something tells him this is going to be an eventful three minutes.

 

* * *

 

            “Do you see? Do you see?” Taako runs back and forth in front of the shrunken Elevator of Tomorrow, sandwich still in hand. Angus follows him out more slowly, still eating his own sandwich. “Don’t look so stupid now, do I?”

            “I mean. I see, sir. But they probably don’t.”

            Taako ignores Angus. “You tiny bitches!” He points at where the tiny elevator has landed in the center of Lucas’s bullshit Neverwinter. The buildings are taller and the many battlewagons are metal. Airships drift by on mobiles. Other than that, doesn’t seem to be much of an improvement. Plus, Lucas got the scaling factor wrong; Magnus and Merle are the size of some of the taller buildings. Well. Magnus is.

            “Uh, sir?” And Lucas’s city has a pest problem besides! Merle’s friend the unsquashed cockroach is hissing at a resigned-looking Magnus and Merle. “We should help!” Angus says, wand already in hand.

            “Hang on, Ango. What I said about spell slots still applies.”

            “But they-”

            “Can handle one measly little cockroach that Merle couldn’t squish, I one-hundo percent agree.” Taako nods, drumming his fingers on Angus’s shoulder. It seems like it’s going well. At least up until the cockroach slimes Merle. Gross. Taako recalls the swamp incident and shudders. That had taken days to get out.

            The cockroach disappears.

            “Oh, was that Banishment?” Angus leans in, watching curiously.

            After an inordinately dull 60 seconds, the cockroach reappears. And Taako flies forward, pretending to claw at the glass as Magnus braces for imminent cockroach impact. “Sir, you do realize that’s in no way convincing, right?”

            The cockroach dives for Magnus before bright sparks cast by Angus drive it back.

Taako turns to look at his magic boy. Angus grins. “Cantrip.”

            “Listen, fair point.” And Taako, still keeping a careful grip on his very real, very delicious sandwich, uses Minor Illusion to create a very garbage, very fake sandwich lying on top of half a dozen of those metal battlewagons below.

            The cockroach scurries around looking at the sandwich. Then scurries back to look at Magnus. “Does Minor Illusion come with smell?” Angus asks.

            “Nope!” Taako pops the p as the cockroach dives forward again to grab onto Magnus’s leg. Magnus, rather than just freeing himself like a normal being, grabs onto the cockroach’s mandibles.

            Moments later, Magnus and Merle, back to their regular size, return, and with two very much oversized cockroach mandibles that Magnus shoves into his bag.

            “Great! We got a whole 24 minutes there!” Lucas says over the Stone. “That, uh, that was really using a lot of power, huh?”

            “Again, why was it on demo mode if it wasn’t actively in use?” Angus asks, and Lucas stumbles for an answer while Magnus and Merle are having a tug-of-war over one of the mandibles in the background. Taako takes another bite of sandwich.

            “Taako!” Magnus now pounces on Taako (at least _he_ isn’t the one covered in cockroach slime) and hugs him.

            “My sandwich!” Taako objects, holding the aforementioned object free from impact by brick shithouse of man.

            “Oh, yeah, thanks for risking your sandwich!” Merle says before looking to Angus. “And, uh. Thanks. I guess. You weren’t as useless as I thought you would be.”

            “Gee, thanks, sir. Sorry you can’t go an adventure without getting gross and damp in some unpleasant manner.”

            While Merle sputters over that and Taako cackles, Magnus takes both mandibles and the shitty Chekhov brand knife and scratches something into them. He tosses one mandible to Merle, who catches it with both hands. “And when we put them together, they say ‘best friends!’” Magnus says with a grin.

            “Because nothing says ‘best friends’ like fighting a cockroach the same size as you with someone.”

            “Shut up and put it in your bag, old man; you wanted one!”

            “Ooooooooookay, moving on!” Taako says around his last mouthful of sandwich. Into the next arcane airlock they go.

 

* * *

 

            Magnus’s initial impression of the words, “Radiation Ventilation Maintenance Chamber?” Booooooooooooooo-ring. Boring as fuck. “Li’l Genius Buddy Bot R&D” on the other hand… Magnus eyes Angus.

            “Oh, is that one where they made you?” Merle asks Angus, pointing to the Li’l Genius door.

            “Very funny, sir.” Angus is very clearly unamused.  
            “You know, I don’t think you do think it’s funny. Is it because you really are a robot?”

            “I’m not a robot!”

            “So prove it!” Merle jabs a finger at the door again.

            “Now hold on,” Magnus starts, but Merle holds up a hand, clicking his tongue while he flips open the Extreme Teen Bible. The familiar sensation of Merle’s healing sweeps through Magnus, which, really, when he thinks about it, shouldn’t be as familiar as it is considering how many times Merle’s actually healed them. Magnus sticks out his tongue as he thinks, counting up said occurrences.

            It’s higher than he thought. He shrugs. That’s probably why it’s familiar.

            “You ready to do this thing?” Angus says from over by the door for the Li’l Genius Buddy Bot R&D room. Apparently the decision has been made.

            “Hell yeah, Agnes, fuck it up. What exactly are we fucking up though?”

            Taako’s question is answered when they enter the room. The room is dim to Magnus’s human, non-Darkvision having eyes, save for a light that comes down from the high ceiling to illuminate a pedestal. And on that pedestal, an adorable robot.

            “Not as cute as Ango though.” Magnus hisses to Taako out of the corner of his mouth.

            The robot seems to be in idle mode and entirely non-threatening. Then again, cockroaches usually seem non-threatening, at least when they’re, you know, normal size.

            Not to mention the fact that both room and robot are badly scorched, something Magnus notes _juuuuuuust_ as the door seals behind them. The digital eyes on the face screen of the sleeping robot open. And with that, the lights come on, and the robot plays a startup tune.

            “Hello there! My name is Hodge Podge. Are you kids ready to learn?”

            “Holy shit. He sounds just like you!” Merle sounds astonished as he looks between Angus and the robot.

            “Please answer the question. Are you kids ready to learn?”

            Angus snorts. “ _Yes_.”

            “Yes,” Magnus adds, followed by assents from Taako and Merle as well.

            “Please say your names.”

            “Angus.”

            “Angus!”

            “Just! Like! You!” Merle hisses at Angus.

            “Um. Magnus.”

            “Magnus!”

            “Merle.”

            “Merle!”

            “Taako.”

            A pause. “Tay-ko!” Magnus and Merle snort with laughter. This is going to be fun. “Welcome! Thank you for playing. Please select a difficulty level: child, adult, or master.”

            “Ch-child!” Magnus rushes in, jumping ahead of Angus, who, by the look on his face, was about to select Master. Not that Magnus doesn’t trust Angus! Nah, Magnus just doesn’t trust himself and the other two of the Tres Horny Boys.

            “Child accepted!” Angus turns to look at him, eyebrow raised in disapproval and annoyance. “Child mode activated. Please wait for databases to load.”

            “It’ll be faster, Angus.” Magnus says. Hopefully, at least.

            “So, uh, anyway, you sure you don’t have a brother, Agnes?” Taako asks conversationally, resting his elbow half on Angus’s helmet, since it’s at a height that’s just enough to make the move inconvenient.

            “Yeah, pretty sure I’d know if I had a secret sibling, sir. Especially if they were a robot.”

            “Yeah, but he sounds just like ya.” Merle says.

            “I am not a robot! I’m a flesh boy!”

            “Robot? Oh, you mean Hodge Podge? Wow, he sure sounded real there.” Lucas speaks up, and Angus looks increasingly annoyed, crossing his arms. “He’s gonna teach the children of tomorrow.”

            “Well, he’s gonna teach the children of today right now!” Magnus claps a hand on Angus’s shoulder.

            “He can _try_.”

            “I meant me, Ango. So, what’s he do, Lucas?”

            “You know. He just, just quizzes you, and stuff. It’s trivia. You answer questions, and you get smarter.”

            “Yeah, uh, cool. Cool, cool, cool. Aaaaaaaaand what about the fire?” Magnus asks, looking all around him. The scorch marks only became more apparent when the lights came up, but there’s also no obvious source right now, no giant fire cannon coming out of the floor. Unless the robot was installed with one. That’d be a bad design though.

            “Oh! Right. I mean, it is R&D, so I was stress-testing him, for stressful scenarios.”

            “You expect kids to set him on fire?” Magnus asks, incredulous.

            “Did you program it that _badly_ , sir, that kids would want to?”

            “Just don’t go poking around the room, and you’ll be fine! And if you run the program, I can shut him down and-”

            “Channel the energy to the suspension core.” They again interrupt, again in unison. Magnus is still eyeing the scorch marks across the floor.

            “Databases loaded. Please select a category! The categories are: math, science, magic, spelling, problem solving, and history.”

            “I’ll take magic.” Taako says, looking easily more confident about that than Magnus feels. Magnus glances to Angus. They’ll be _fine_.

            “Magic selected. Child mode selected. Question: name a spell.”

            “Zone of Truth!” Merle says immediately.

            “That’s right! Zone of Truth is a level 2 spell from the school of Enchantment. It is used by: bards, clerics, and paladins.” Hodge Podge plays a little tune that gets cut off halfway through. “Discrepancy detected. Error detected. Biometric scans indicate only one child present. Child did not answer.”

            “Well…”

            “Difficulty mode set to: master.”

            “Tits.”

 

* * *

 

            “Please select a category.” Hodge Podge repeats. The Reclaimers look considerably less confident now, muttering among themselves.

            “Are we sure emotional growth isn’t a category? I’m good at spelling.”

            “Yeah, spelling or problem sol-”

            “Spelling detected!” Angus is fine with that. Piece of cake. “Please spell ‘aarakocra.’”

            “What?” Magnus blurts out.

            “Please spell-”

            “A-A-R-A-K-O-C-R-A, aarakocra. Thank you, next.” Angus rattles off before the robot can even finish.

            “That is correct.” The robot’s voice changes, becomes much deeper and more menacing. “But don’t interrupt. Accessing. R&D facilities. Accessing. Flame jets.”

            Angus is very much suddenly and unexpectedly regretting sassing the robot as there is a series of metallic clicks as small holes in the wall open up. Taako yanks Angus behind Hodge Podge’s pedestal. Meanwhile, Magnus flips his Defender’s Dial to fire, and Merle just looks resigned.

            As the flames die down, Merle yells, “No sassing the robot!”

            Which is probably a fair request.

            “Please select a category!” Hodge Podge chirps cheerfully, back in its little boy voice that most certainly does _not_ sound like Angus.

            “Uh… problem solving?” Magnus asks, looking at Angus.

            “Yeah, problem solving.” Taako returns to leaning his arm against Angus’s helmet, tilting his head the smallest degree. At least they don’t seem to be mad about the whole fire thing.

            “Problem solving selected! Master level selected! Three houses occupy a lonely village in the wilderness. One house is red, one is yellow, and the other blue. The houses are occupied by three beings: a dwarf, an orc, and a human. One of those three owns the sharpest axe in the land. Another, the most balanced sword in the land. And another, the heaviest hammer in the land. Using the following clues, please tell me: the color of each house from left to right, the occupants of each house, and the weapons of each person. Your clues are: the dwarf and the orc hate each other and refuse to be neighbors. The human lives in a blue house, the orc does not use swords, the yellow house contains the hammer, the human lives to the left of the dwarf, the red house is on the far left.” The robot finishes the clues at a breakneck pace.

            “Uh, one more time?” Magnus asks weakly.

            “Eat me.” Merle responds immediately. Luckily, it apparently doesn’t register in the robot’s sass detector.

            “Please repeat the question.” Taako says loudly.

            Angus blinks.

            “No question repeats!”

            “You repeated the other question!” Taako counters.

            “But that was spelling. No repeats for problem solving! Please answer the question.”

            “The red house is on the left, and the orc with the axe lives there. The blue house is in the middle and is occupied by the human with the sword. The dwarf lives in the yellow house on the right and has a hammer.” Angus rattles off, a celebratory beep following each correct statement. His companions look appreciative when he gets them right. And doesn’t sass the robot into shooting fire at them.

            “Congratulations! Please select a category!”

            “How many of these damn things do we gotta answer?” Merle throws his hands up.

            “You mean, how many of these damn things does Agnes gotta answer?” Taako points out.

            Magnus shakes his head. “We’re wasting time; I could just-”

            “Sir, that’s a bad-” Angus tries.

            Magnus’s axe connects, blunted by the apparently industrial grade metal that Lucas has reinforced this thing with.

            “Oh, be careful, you’re playing… a little rough.” Hodge Podge finishes in that menacing voice again, and the holes in the wall open again.  
            “This one’s not on me, sirs!”  Angus narrowly avoids getting toasted along with Magnus.

            “Careful! You don’t want to break me, do you?”

            “No?” Magnus replies, holding his axe behind his back now.

            “Please select a category!”

            “Math!” Angus says.

            At the same time, Merle says, “History?”      

            “Math history!”

            “That’s not a real category!” Taako yells.

            “Who was the inventor of Faerunian math?”

            Angus sighs. “Doug Math.” The question is disappointingly easy.

            “Yes, sir, that’s right!” Hodge Podge chirps. Angus glares at the robot.

            “I still don’t sound like that.” He mutters. Taako chuckles softly.

            “It’s time for the bonus round! Are you excited?”

            “Does the bonus round involve us getting 200 coins carried in something not meant for 200 coins?” Merle asks hopefully.

            “Nope! The bonus round is called ‘Stump Hodge Podge!’ Can you four come up with a question that can stump your ol’ buddy Hodge Podge? I’ll warn you: I possess an almanac of complete world knowledge!”

            And yet, this is literally the easiest question Hodge Podge has given them. Well, maybe the spell question was easier. Angus smiles.

            “You will each have one chance! I will ask each of you in turn! And remember!” The voice changes again. “Don’t interrupt!” Angus shuts his mouth over the question bubbling up out of his mouth. Well. This is easy. Surely the Reclaimers will get this. “First up is: Magnus!”

            “Uh… what is a fact you don’t know?” Magnus tries, sounding uncertain.

            Maybe this isn’t as easy as Angus thinks. Or maybe Magnus is just overthinking it.

            “There isn’t one.” Hodge Podge answers. “As I told you, I possess an almanac of complete world knowledge!”

            “Shoot, that was my question.” Magnus mutters. Angus sighs heavily. Hodge Podge turns to look at him, and Angus closes his mouth again. Fine.

            “Taako!” Hodge Podge says.

            Taako stares the robot down. Surely, surely, Taako will- “Why did the chicken… cross the road?”

            “That sounds like the setup up to a riddle or a joke. There is no one definitive answer. This has to be trivia, not bullshit!”

            “Nope! Wrong answer!” Hodge Podge ignores Taako.

            “Merle!” Angus might be tempted to kick the pedestal if he didn’t think it would activate the flame jets again.

            Merle hems and haws. “I’m gonna… cast Commune.” Merle has to be making a goof right now. No way would he actually-

            “Hello, this is Pan. ‘Sup?” A divine and very laidback sounding voice echoes through the room. “New frequency, who dis?”

            “Dear… Pan-enly father. It is I, your humble servant, Merle Hitower.”

            “Highchurch!” Taako chimes in. At least that doesn’t count as an interruption.

            “Merle Hitower Highchurch. But, uh, you can just call me Merle.”

            “Sick. What can I do for you, my child?”

            “And I prostate myself in front of you-”

            “NOPE!” Magnus yells.

            “Wrong word, sir!”

            “I _prostrate_ myself in front of you, begging your divine wisdom.”

            “Okay, I think for some arbitrary reason, I can only give yes or no answers, but that’s fine. Go for it.”

            “Question #1: Is there a question this damn robot doesn’t know the answer too?”

            “Yes!” Pan answers. “So many questions!” And they’re all waiting on the tip of Angus’s tongue. Angus is beginning to really, _really_ dislike this robot.

            “Question #2: do you think I’m stupid?”

            “Nah. You’re not stupid. You’re beautiful.”

            “I don’t care what happens now!” Merle exclaims. “Guys, what should I ask?” Angus wonders how much damage he’ll take if he bangs his helmet against the wall. Or what it would take for the crystal golem to just show up again right now.

            “Ask if we know the thing he doesn’t!”

            “Yes.” Pan answers Magnus.

            “Oh, that wasn’t the question, and I’m not Merle! Freebie!”

            “So, do we know the thing the robot doesn’t know?”

            “Yes, but I’m having some serious doubt about my second answer now, Merle. Okay, gotta go, pipes to play, trees to grow. Later!”

            That has to be enough information for Merle. It just has to be.

            “Hodge Podge?”

            “Yes?”

            “What is love?” Angus smacks a hand into his helmet.

            “Love is a feeling of strong or constant affection from one person to another.”

            “How did you screw that up, Merle? You asked a god for help!” Magnus yells.

            “He screwed it up because there is no question I do not know the answer to. I will not count that as another question.”

            “Gee, thanks, Hodge Podge.”

            “Angus!” _Finally._

            “Hodge Podge?”

            “Yes, Angus?”

            “What is the name of the organization we work for?”

            Hodge Podge is silent.

            “And boom goes the dynamite.” Magnus punches the air.

            “Who do we work for?” Angus repeats the question.

            “I do not understand.” Hodge Podge says, interspersed with static.

            “How about, what is the name of the object we found before we got hired?”

            “I do not understand. I do not understand. Idonotunderstand.” Hodge Podge is shaking now, smoke starting to come out.

            “Then what object are we here for tonight?”

            “I do not-” The flame jets start to activate. And then the robot explodes.

            Angus stares at the smoldering wreckage of Hodge Podge. “I really didn’t like that robot.”

            “You did the right thing, Angus.” Magnus pats his shoulder.

            “I made it explode.”

            “And that was the right thing.” Magnus continues patting his shoulder.

            “Uh, guys? What was that?” Lucas asks.

            “Nothing!” Merle yells.

            “Lucas, I’m afraid we won’t be able to endorse your robot.” Magnus tells him.

            ‘What- what happened?”

            “No, haven’t you seen Fantasy Jurassic Park? You’re supposed to say ‘Me neither.’”

            “Plus it exploded.” Taako says.

            “Oh…”

            “The kid did it!”

            “Well, uh, I guess, on to the next chamber? He was using a lot of energy, too; that bought us about 40 minutes! But please don’t make more of my experiments explode. Or otherwise damage them.”

            “Wouldn’t dream of it!” Magnus yells as he rips one of Hodge Podge’s arms off, tossing it into his bag with the mandible.

 

* * *

 

            “So, anyway, sorry we –or Angus, in a fantasy Highlander same voice inspired rage- destroyed your robot son.” Taako says conversationally as they head into the arcane airlock.

            “I mean, he was a commercial product, but-”

            “It’s okay, Lucas; let it all out.” Magnus says comfortingly.

            “Yeah, tell us how you really feel about your robot son.” Taako says, trying not to let the laugh in his voice be too obvious.

            “Can I ask you guys something? Are you this mean to everyone?”

            “Nah… we’re not mean to Angus!” Magnus says brightly.

            “You made fun of my voice sounding like the robot’s the entire time.”

            “So you admit it!” Merle points.

            “Okay, good, it’s not just me then. Not my problem.” Lucas says.

            “I built a robot son to love me, beep boop!” Taako makes some vaguely robotic arm movements, and Merle chuckles.

            “Are you making fun of my voice? I have sinus problems-”

            “I have sinus problems!” Magnus does mimic the voice.

            A hand taps Taako’s arm. “Please stop.” Angus mutters quietly. Taako’s ears twitch, and Angus startles a bit when a purple mage hand ruffles his hair.

            “Right. Let’s get moving!” Taako heads to the only door at the end of the arcane airlock.

            “Great, I’m gonna go for now.” Lucas says flatly, and the call cuts off.

            The next room is a bit bigger than Hodge Podge’s and also not crystallized. They’re faced with three doors, one opposite and two along what Taako could call the side of the room. The ceiling is criss-crossed with ventilation. Ventilation that looks like something far too big for it, possibly orc-sized tried to scoot through. Ventilation that had a grate broken off sometime recently, now on the floor before them. In the middle of the room is a pillar, with a note hastily scrawled into it, probably with a rogue’s dagger: “Crashed into ventilation system. Going on ahead. Meet you at elevators. -K”

            “Hey, Ango, looks like you were right.” Taako points at Killian’s note with the Umbra Staff.

            “Hello?” A voice calls out from behind the pillar at Taako’s comment.

            “Hello?” Magnus calls back.

            A robot that vaguely resembles Hurley’s battlewagon engine in terms of size and shape floats around the pillar to greet them. It’s hardly the prettiest robot ever either, not gonna be winning any robot beauty contests. Whereas Hodge Podge was sleekly put together (and also a dick), this robot looks very haphazardly thrown together out of more than a few different parts. One arm is normal enough but bronze where everything else is… not. The other is too long for the robot and just ends in a hole. Four fans keep it aloft, glowing a faint blue. A window across its robot torso reveals a cylindrical glass fuse that’s apparently powering it. “No. 3113” has been hastily written on its side.

            All in all, Lucas was deffo being a dick himself when he designed the thing.

            “Are you in need of assistance?” The robot asks, more concerned than polite, which is, you know, weird for a robot. The glass fuse inside flashes as it talks.

            “Hail and well met, mechanical man!” Magnus reaches out and takes the normal-looking hand. Taako can’t tell if it’s an actual greeting or if Magnus is still looking to add to his collection, on a roll with the mandible and Hodge Podge’s arm.

            “Ooh, uh, no. I mean, robot yes, but, uh. My name is Noelle.”

            “Hello, Noelle.” Angus says, politely, looking far happier to be talking to this robot compared to the last. And far happier now that the Reclaimers stopped being assholes. Taako makes a mental note.

            “Are you missing an L? Ah? Ah?” Magnus jokes.

            “Oh gosh, that’s a stinker.”

            “Sir, that one was terrible.”

            “Got you to smile, didn’t it? Noelle, did it get you to smile?”

            “I guess?”

            “You can tell him that it was terrible, Noelle.” Merle says encouragingly. “Let him hear the truth.”

            “I mean, I already- oh! You’re hurt! Can I help, can I help fix you up?” Noelle sounds immediately and genuinely distressed, and damn, a robot this smart really deserves better than the scrumbled together body Lucas built her in. Taako makes a mental note of that, too. Maybe… they steal the nice robot since they’re throwing Lucas into prison anyway. She can uh… do moon things? How would they inoculate a robot anyway?

            “Yes, please fix Merle however you can. There’s a lot wrong with him.” Magnus says with a laugh.

            A syringe pops out of a cavity in Noelle’s frame, full of green fluid. “Can I?” She asks, syringe in robot-hand.

            “Sure, stick it in me!”

            Angus asks Noelle approximately three million questions about the first aid fluid while she fixes Merle. She answers them good-naturedly, then says, “Sorry, it’ll take me a little while to synthesize more, and uh, it’s real nice to meet all y’all and all, but uh, can I ask you? What are all y’all doing here?”

            “We’re looking for Lucas.”

            “Well, Lucas is in the center of the lab, but it’s been all crystallized and such. And you can’t touch it without getting crystallized yourself, so I don’t know how y’all can pass. It’s pretty unsafe.”

            “We’ve got these suits.” Magnus raises a red arm, and Taako and the others do the same.

            “That’s how we got in and got here, Noelle.” Angus explains.

            “Right, null suits! Well, gee, that sure would work.” She hums.

            “And, uh, Noelle? Have you seen anyone else here looking for Lucas?” Taako asks casually, looking again at Killian’s note.

            “No, must have missed them? Wait, are there other people here?”

            “Don’t worry about it.” Magnus answers succinctly. “Can you show us the way to Lucas?”

            “Better yet,” Taako interrupts, “Could you tell us the deal with those two rooms?” He waves a hand at the doors that presumably don’t lead further into the lab. The first is pretty obvious, being labeled with “Lucas’s Private Quarters.” The second is something of a mystery. Whatever sign had been affixed above the door, same as the sign for Lucas’s room, is gone, leaving only two holes in the frame to indicate it had ever been there. But that is the way of losing something, isn’t it?

            “Well, I mean, y’all can read, right? That’s Lucas’s room, you know, where he sleeps and keeps his personal things?”

            “Could you let us in?” Magnus asks hopefully.

            “Could you _not_?” Lucas pipes up, apparently back on the call. Taako rolls his eyes. Magnus in no way inconspicuously covers the Stone of Farspeech.

            “What are you talking about? I totally say it’s okay!” Magnus says in a very, very bad impression of Lucas’s voice and with an even worse attempt at ventriloquy. Taako subtly moves around behind Noelle.

            “What- but- Magnus, I know that was you!”

            “No, you don’t!” Magnus tries. Taako casts Disguise Self, transforming himself into more or less what he remembers nerdlord to look like. At least the voice should be easy, since Lucas hasn’t shut up the entire night so far.

            “Yes, I do know it was you; that was very bad and very obviously not Lucas.”

            “What’s not me?” Taako asks, and Noelle spins around fast.

            “What? Huh? Lucas? How did you get here? Where- where did Taako-” _Shit_. But Angus appears to be thinking just as fast as Taako was, an illusory Taako popping into existence next to him, courtesy of Silent Image. Taako mentally docks points though; Angus made his illusion seem too nice, and the fact that some of the freckles are in the wrong spot is actually giving Taako a headache. Angus frowns, and the freckles move, and Taako’s headache disappears. “But, Lucas, how did you get here?”

            “I have a null suit! Where do you think these guys got theirs?” Taako asks in a pitch-perfect imitation of Lucas’s voice. Angus snorts. Okay, maybe mostly pitch-perfect. “Say, Noelle, do you think you can, uh, unlock my room?” Taako holds his hands up. “Gloves and all. Gotta send ol’ Magnus over there in for something. You’re Magnus, right? Or are you Merle?” Taako asks Magnus. “I get you confused because both your names start with M.” He might be playing Lucas, but Taako’s definitely held this fact against the pair of them before.

            “Yeah, sure, but we should probably get moving soon, don’t you think?” Noelle floats over and overrides whatever system Lucas has in place to unlock the door.

            “Of course, but uh, before I go in and get the thing… Noelle, can you explain the deal with that room?” Magnus points at the second, non-Lucas’s room door. Which, cool. Cool cool cool. Not like they have a 10 minute time limit before Angus’s Taako disappears.

            “It’s just a derelict room? Right, Lucas?” Noelle says, confused, like this is something that should be obvious, and Taako nods along with her to keep up the pretense. “You know, like what all labs have.” And that, that doesn’t sound right. Taako knows that’s not right, but he can’t put his finger on why.

            There’s been a lot of that tonight.

 

* * *

 

            Lucas’s room seems to serve the several purposes of: bedroom, workspace, and heaping pile of hazardous waste. Seriously, Magnus lived in close quarters with Pringles for months, and this is just filthy. The floor is a minefield of stacks of books and dirty dishes, and the crumpled up papers that dot every surface even have their own distinct layers of dust. Lucas’s bed (quality nowhere near Magnus’s own work) doesn’t seem to serve as such, with sheets and blankets tumbling to the floor, replaced by various wrappers and more dishes. The bookcase is empty of books, instead containing a few robot parts (sadly no arms to add to Magnus’s collection), while the wardrobe is full of clothes thrown in without any recognizable organizational pattern. So yeah. Lucas’s room is _gross_.

            The only thing of interest here is the desk in the back of the room, illuminated by the still on lamp. Magnus clicks his tongue in disapproval; Lucas is just leaving things on all over the place, isn’t he? The light from the lamp glints off a magnifying glass and a handful of gemstone shards next to it, the former presumably used to inspect the latter. Magnus looks to the left and right, but of course, he’s alone in here.

            “Yoink.” Magnus says quietly to himself as he pockets the gemstones.

            A quick investigation reveals a few drawers full of boring schematics and a secret compartment on the underside of the desk that is, naturally, locked. Magnus pokes his head back out into the main space.

            “Hey, uh, Ango? Could you uh… help me _pick_ something up?”

            Angus looks at him. “Gee, I would love to, sir, but I’ve kind of got to _concentrate_ on this conversation right here for another… seven and a half minutes.” The fake Taako winks.

            “Okay, uh…” Magnus trails off.

            “I’ve got it!” Merle yells, raising a hand and waddling past Magnus into Lucas’s room. “You know, _Lucas_ , you should consider cleaning once every five years!” Merle calls back as Magnus follows him in.

            “All right, coast is clear. Bud, do your thing!” Merle hisses as he pulls out the Nitpicker, setting it in front of the lock.

            The Nitpicker, however, does not do his thing. Instead, he blinks up at Merle, irritation clear on his metallic garden gnome face. “Did you just call me Bud?” He asks incredulously. “My- my name is not _Bud._ ”

            “Oh, that’s just what I’ve been calling you.”

            “How would you like it if I just, just renamed you, _huh_? How about that, _Joshua_?”

            “Well, that’s not a bad name now. Joshua Merle Hitower Highchurch. Guess I gotta tell Pan to update my contact info.”  
            “No, you weren’t supposed to like, I mean- ARGH.” The Nitpicker throws up his still tool-less hands in the air. Magnus is starting to suspect this is because the Nitpicker is, in fact, a tool.

            “Hey, Bud. Get picking.” Magnus directs.

            “Yeah, yeah, yeah. The name is Ernest though.” Ernest the Nitpicker pulls a couple of tools out of a metallic knapsack and starts working on the lock. “Not that I expect you lot to remember. Do you even know how bad you are at remembering? Kid’s all right, but _you three,_ ooooooooooooh man.”

            “We know, we know.” Magnus says, rolling his eyes.

            “I mean, if the kid weren’t around, you’d probably _still_ be stuck with that trivia bot!”

            “We would have gotten through somehow.” Merle objects.

            “Yeah, right, can you spell aarakocra? I bet you can’t even say it.”

            “Aarakocra. Ernest. Can you pick up the pace a little?” Magnus drums his fingers on the desk.

            “Sure, just like you picked up the pace when you were running away from the crystal monster.”

            “Hey, we beat it!” Merle replies. “Della Reese stabbed the shit out of it!”

            “You got lucky is what happened. Otherwise, dead. Super dead. You got lucky, the wizard got lucky, the kid got lucky, and _you_ were just chipping off tiny bits and pieces with your axe.”

            “Railsplitter is a good axe; it’s just meant for trees!” Magnus clenches his hand around the axe. They should have just brought Angus after all.

            Ernest gives up on the tools and instead just shoves his entire arm in the lock. “Ow! It bit me! The stupid lock bit me! I hate locks. But I’m so good at picking them. Unlike you two. You can’t even pick a good lock to pick, cause this one’s already-” There’s a click, and the lock opens.

            “Bag. Now.” Magnus says.

            “Way to thank. Way to thank!” Ernest yells as Merle unceremoniously returns him to the bag.

            “I hope he’s afraid of the dark.” Merle says, while Magnus reaches around him to open the mystery drawer.  
            The only thing in the drawer is a small velvet bag drawn with a cinch. Magnus unceremoniously dumps the contents out on Lucas’s desk. A compact bounces out before dropping flat on the desk. Magnus opens the tarnished compact to reveal not a mirror, but a perfect circle of emerald. An image appears. Two men, lying across a couch with a pit bull across their laps, watching flashing images across a glowing rectangle. They’re watching a particularly handsome man with glasses in some kind of white null suit run out of the room away from spiders. Understandable. The image changes. A woman, sitting in a metallic battlewagon not unlike what was in Lucas’s Neverwinter model, listens to three men talking and laughing while waiting in a line of battlewagons around a building with a glowing sign depicting a sandwich. A child plays on some kind of smaller rectangle in the back seat. The scene changes again. A young woman sits cross-legged in a chair, with a desk and another of those glowing rectangles on it before her, foot jiggling impatiently. She’s glaring at the rectangle facing her, her fingers tapping on some kind of attached instrument. Magnus tries to make sense of the pattern, but it’s all random movements and annoyed pauses. She sighs during one of her longer breaks and looks to the side, seeming to stare directly at Magnus with an expectant expression on her face. Her fingers begin moving again, and the scene again begins to shift.

            Magnus looks up from the compact. “They’ve been stealing ideas.” He says, realizing the truth of the matter immediately. “That’s _cheating_.”

            Lucas suddenly speaks up. “Hey, you guys didn’t go in my room after all, right? I haven’t checked in ‘cause you stopped talking to me for a while, but, uh, you guys are still on your way over, right? We’re still running out of time here.”

            “What? No, we would never.” Magnus says. “But, uh, random question, totally out of nowhere, but you ever consider a maid service for the lab? I mean between the cockroaches and the… you know, the cockroaches?”

            “Well, I mean, it’s kind of hard to clean up when everything is virulent crystal. That is still an imminent danger to all life on the world.”

            “What about Noelle then?”

            “Oh, you found Noelle? I mean, she’s just, she’s an assistant.”

            “Yeah, but you kind of just threw a bunch of parts together, it looks like?’

            “I don’t appreciate what you’re insinuating about my design. I’m sorry she’s not up to your lofty standards.”

            “Well, I did rip the arms off your test robots really easily back when we first got to the moon base, but like Hodge Podge was all shiny, and Noelle is- like was she your first robot?”

            “No, she’s pretty recent.”

            “Oh, so you have no excuse then.

            “Hodge Podge may have looked really sleek and cool, but he only had preprogrammed answers. Noelle can think! I mean, she- agh, you guys are just so frustrating. You don’t appreciate any of my work.”

            “Nope! Say, what’s the deal with the shutdown room? Noelle said it was just a derelict room.”

            “Yeah, because it is.”

            “Cause it looks like it should have been someone else’s sleeping quarters.” Magnus says as he and Merle walk out. Several things happen at once. Angus’s illusory Taako immediately dissipates, their time up. Taako dispels his own disguise while Noelle is distracted. And there is the sound of tearing, as a rift appears in the center of the room. A small piece of pink crystal drops out of the rift, falling to the floor with a _plinkplinkplink_ , and the crystal spreads, immediate and unforgiving, quickly surrounding them with pink tourmaline. And last, the crinkle tinkles start up again.

            And then so does the song.

            “I saw beyond the universe,

            Far past the places we should see,

            But for my vision I was cursed,

            Torn from my home and family,

            Lost to my Crystal Kingdom.”

            And right on cue, the now familiar groans of crystal wrenching and sheering out of place, flying toward the center of the room.

            And listen. Magnus knows they should run. But…

            Magnus does run. Full tilt. At the mystery room, Railsplitter in hand. And Magnus sheers through the metal door just enough to see a slice of a room, clearly a bedroom of sorts, with a layer of dust even thicker than the bookcase in Lucas’s room.

 

* * *

 

            “Can you not?” Noelle yells at Magnus, which, honestly, describes a lot of the initial reaction to Magnus, Merle thinks. You know, the initial to reaction to all three of them, really. “We gotta go!”

            With crystal shards starting to fly toward them, they run for the airlock. Or, Merle waddles very quickly, Noelle floats, Magnus dashes, Taako power walks, and Angus runs.  The crystals stop at the magical (or anti-magical) threshold, and Merle does not like the very dwarf-shaped picture they paint. And then they drop, and the rapidly assembling crystal golem with them, freeing the little ball of light to pop out through another rift.

            “Hey, y’all?” They turn to Noelle, who’s got some kind of scanner out and pointed straight at where the light was. “I just wanted to let y’all know- I scanned that thing, and it is _definitely_ undead in origin. But it’s also got these, like it’s got these weird sort of feathery bits of divine energy to it, too? Do you guys know what’s going on? Because besides what I just told you, all I really know is I do not like that thing.”

            “It is… familiar.” Angus muses, still staring at the center of the room where the rift had been. “So I was right about the undead part… Undead and divine… but not a ghost because it can make rifts into this world… and that sounds like conjuration magic right there, based on what you’ve said, sir… but then it’s clearly possessing the crystal to make a body, because it’s done that twice now…”

            “Yeah, well, tick tock on the explanation before it actually kills me!”

            “Sir, you have an ability called Turn Undead and work with divine magic; if this should be familiar to anyone, it should be you.”

            Merle opens his mouth. And closes it. Because, really, he has no idea what this is.

            “But it’s not too familiar, ‘cause I’ve never heard of anything like it.” Taako says.

            “But not too not familiar, cause we’re used to people trying to kill us.” Magnus replies.

            “Aaaaaaaaaaaand now it’s stuck in my head, thanks!” Merle yells, throwing his hands up before turning to the fork up ahead.

            To the left is “Death Laser Calibration Chamber,” which sounds like a great way to lose an eye. To the right is “Large Humanoid Species Behavior Modification Testing.” Well, that was to the right, before someone scratched it out and wrote, “Hugbears!”

            Somehow Merle knows exactly how this is going to turn out. Even if Lucas doesn’t.

            “Okay by my calculations, you are- _guys_. You gotta listen. You gotta go with the death laser.”

            “Hugbears!” Magnus yells.

            “Hugbears!” Merle echoes.

            “Hugbears?” Angus sounds curious, but Merle will count it as a vote.

            “I mean, sure, hugbears, I guess.”

            “No, trust me-”

            “Hugbears!”

            “It’ll be too d-”

            “Hug bbbears!”

            “You’re literally just repeating-”

            “Hugbears!”   

            “That’s not a coherent argument!”

            “Hugbears!”

            Lucas sighs. Magnus opens the door to the hugbears.

            It’s a nice looking living room in there, way more homey and nicer than Lucas’s bedroom. But also kind of messy, like a fight broke out in here. Scratches in the couch, tea and shards of teacup on the ground, knickknacks and whatsits thrown every which way. And in the middle, a weird, tall, furry, breathing carpet.

            Wait, no, that’s not a carpet. That’s four bugbears. One of whom has a really painful looking cut on his head.

            “Noelle? What’s all this then? What the shit?” Magnus asks.

            “Noelle, why are there four bugbears sleeping in the middle of the floor?” Angus asks.

            “I- I don’t know; that’s not where they sleep. What happened to them? Can you- can we check on them?”

            Angus looks between the sleeping bugbears and Noelle, a frown on his face. “Noelle… how did Lucas modify the behavior of bugbears?”

            “’Modify the behavior?’ I guess, I dunno, they’re technically an experiment, but they’re just like, they’re just like buds. They help out around the place.” Even without shoulders, Noelle manages to shrug. It’s an impressive feat. “They’re good folk. I’m worried about ‘em.”

            “Cool. I’m worried about us.” Taako says as the pile starts moving and writhing. The bugbears are waking up. Great. Great timing they have.

            Magnus rushes in, prepared to hug.

            “I’ll be outside. Taako’s good out here!” Taako says from the airlock.

            Angus stands somewhere between, clearly thinking.

            And Merle? He’s going to do what clerics do best. Merle approaches, grinning in a way that is at least _meant_ to be non-threatening, and casts Prayer of Healing. And while Merle watches as the cut on the bugbear’s head heals up, the smallest bugbear runs up to Merle, grabs him up, and roars right in his face.

            Merle could have thought this through better. And maybe stayed in the airlock with Taako.

            “Christy! Christy, stop, these are different people! See, the short one has flowers? Different! Though, uh, who are you guys? What are you doing here?” One of the other ones asks.

            “Hi, everybody!” Magnus says, waving and clearly still waiting for the hugging to start. “So, uh, we’re looking for Lucas, because some bad shit is, uh, _ongoing_ , and we’re here with Noelle! Say hi, Noelle!”

            “It’s fine, y’all. They’re good people. Christy, Merle fixed up your grandpa, and you can put him down. So, you met Merle-” Merle waves as soon as Christy puts him down. “And Magnus over there.”

            “Hello again!”

            “And Angus-” The kid waves from his position close to the airlock. What a baby.

            “Taako’s my handle, and, uh, I’m more airlock crew than _with them_.” Taako says, in the airlock. What a bigger baby.

            “And we’re sorry to interrupt the whole nap sesh; and you are?”

            “Oh, it’s fine, perfectly fine to interrupt a nap caused by some kind of sleep dust.” The oldest bugbear, who Merle healed waves it off with a big paw.

            The one who stopped Merle’s face getting roared off continues, “Right. And, uh, we help out around here. I’m Aaron Styles. I help Lucas out with his fashion and the like.”

            “He definitely needs it.” Angus mutters, and it’s apparently loud enough to be heard, because Aaron nods vigorously in agreement.

            “I’m John Cook, and I do all the cookin’ ‘round here.” The older one says. Taako pokes his head out of the airlock at that.

            “I’m Jamie Green, and I take care of the gardens and the conservatory and help tend the plants and all.” If Merle hadn’t picked a favorite bugbear, he has now.

            “I’m Christy Kilgore, and I handle maintenance. I couldn’t, uh, come up with a cool pun name, so I just kinda kept my bugbear name.” Merle’s _least_ favorite bugbear says.

            Speaking of bugbears and favorites though…

            “Say, any chance you might know Klaarg?” Taako asks from the doorframe. And promptly shrinks back when that _definitely_ gets the bugbears’ attention.

            “You know Daniel?” They all ask in unison, and Christy sprints for the airlock to get in Taako’s face now. Preferable to her getting in Merle’s at least.

            Questions erupt all the way around, about how they know Klaarg (they helped him with a workplace dispute, and he helped them with Taako not dying), how the bugbears know Klaarg (it’s a whole bugbear family), how they ended up working for Lucas (sort of adopted- it sounds questionable at best), the whole Klaarg vs. Daniel name thing (they picked new non-violent bugbear names apparently), how Klaarg is doing now (uh… he’s not dead?).

            “So, uh, what was up with the sleep powder and the other folks?” Magnus asks, seemingly desperate to change the subject from Merle’s apparently sinister sounding remarks about Klaarg.

            “Oh, right! That was very rude.” Aaron nods. “They came through, and you know, we offered them tea-”

            “As you do.” Magnus nods as well.

            “Right! But then they wanted to head inward, and, well we can’t allow that, right?”

            “Come again?” Taako asks, now inside the room but still not too far from the airlock.

            “You can’t allow anyone through?” Angus asks with that intentionally guileless look Merle has seen in action too many times. Kid’s used it on them often enough.

            “Oh, we do regular work around here… but we’re still bugbears.” Aaron shrugs.  
            “Yeah, since we’re really big, we do some light security work for the lab.” John adds.

            “…What if Lucas gave his permission?” Angus asks.

            “I guess that would be fine then. He didn’t tell us it’d be cool with the last group.” John answers.

            “Yeah, so we did our thing when they tried to go through, so there was sort of a kerfuffle.” Jamie adds on.

            “The little dwarf guy attacked us first- that’s why I yelled at you.” Christy nods at Merle.

            “Right, and then the lizard lady? Threw some sort of smoke bomb, and it was lights out for the hugbear family.” Jamie finishes.

            “They sound like dicks.” Magnus says, to general bugbear approval. “Hey, Lucas? Magnus here.”

            “…So I guess you’ve found out about one of my, uh, less ethical experiments?” Lucas sounds nervous.

            “You have ethical experiments?” Angus asks.

            “They seem fine?” Magnus says.

            “Yeah, they’re real sweethearts.” Taako adds.

            “Well… they’re great, but that might be because they have inhibitor chips.” Merle looks up at the bugbears, now brewing tea. Oolong, unsurprisingly. Inhibitor chips? “I needed some help around the lab, and bugbears are really strong but violent. I mean, they seem happy, and-”

            “So, slavery?” Magnus says, flatly. It’s not a question.

            “Well, they say they didn’t really _like_ being violent.”

            “So that’s why Klaarg was… helpful?” Merle asks.

            “Yeah, you know, I saw, I was watching during the race, and I was, um, more than a little surprised to see him show up and help you guys out. So, I gotta ask, what did you guys do to him down there?”

            “Uh… Charm Person.” Taako shrugs.

            “Huh.” Lucas sounds like he’s thinking. Though, in Merle’s opinion, he could stand to do that _a little more often_. Exhibit A: crystal death lab. Example 2: this whole bugbear/hugbear mess. “You used a charm spell on him? Daniel, or, uh, Klaarg, well, he was known as Daniel Butler here-”

            “Yeah, and you really just fucked up on that name, Lucas. Really?”

            “I thought it was cute? And, uh, anyway, he got into a scuffle with his sister Christy-”

            “I can see that.” Merle interrupts.

            “Well, he bumped his head then, and then he just kinda… well, the chip went on the fritz, and he ran off. So, I think, when you charmed him, some of the wires got crossed in his brain? So he might just… he might just go the rest of his life being charmed by you on and off.”

            “In Taako’s defense, he didn’t know that Klaarg was the subject of an unethical behavioral experiment.” Angus glowers.

            “Well, uh, needs for an ethics committee on the floating lab aside, Lucas, can you tell the hugbears to lets us through so we can actually get to you?” Magnus asks.

            “Oh, uh, yeah. Guys!” Lucas calls out. “You gotta let them pass, okay? They’re trying to get through to the middle.” The bugbears give various assents, which is a relief. Unlike Carey apparently is, the four of them and Noelle aren’t packing any magic sleep bombs.

            “Oh, uh, and could you tell us more about the scuffle that happened? Like, we saw that you got injured; did anyone else or how did it… go?” Magnus asks.

            “Oh, well, it was mostly the, uh, the dwarf fellow? He got real angry, was the one mostly causin’ the ruckus,” Jamie says.

            “Reminded me of the old days, people comin’ into my cave and just havin’ to kill ‘em.” John Cook shrugs.

            “Oh yeah, we’ve definitely had to kill people in caves before.” Magnus agrees.

            “We’ve all been there.” Merle pats the bugbear’s arm. It’s very furry. “But we should really get going, you know, end of the world to stop and all.”

            “Wait a second.” Angus says, looking at them all. “We can’t just leave them here. What if the crystal gets in here, too?”

            “They could come with us?” Taako suggests.

            “But what if we walk into a crystal room?” Merle counters.

            “Right, y’all, so here’s my idea. Hugbears, when we leave, you four just lock yourselves in the arcane airlock. You’ll be safe there, until we can come and get ya.”

            “Oh! And wait a _second_ second.” Magnus holds up a hand, then points to the bugbears. Because of course he does. Merle’s the only one in the whole damn party with any sense of urgency, honestly. “I have a question. When we were by Lucas’s room, there was a second dormitory? Do you guys, since you do the, you know, day-to-day stuff, do you know whose room that was?”

            “Oh… that was Maureen’s room? Lucas’s mom?” Aaron answers.

            “And she is… where?”                            

            “Well, she’s, uh, she’s no longer with us.”

            “So she’s dead?” Angus smacks the front of his helmet with his hand, as though he’d been going for his forehead, at Magnus’s lack of tact. No doubt he’d figured it out long ago, Merle is sure.

            “Gosh, Maggie, could you be any more insensitive. Lucas is _right on the call_ with us.” Merle points out.

            “Yeah, cool talk, thanks for bringing up my mom.” Lucas does _not_ sound happy. “Pretty cool day I’m having with you guys. Uh, let’s get this show on the road, right?”

            The next airlock is a tunnel. At least there won’t be a debate on which way to go. The next door is labeled “Supply Room,” with “Hugbear,” hand written in front of it.

            The storeroom is already crystallized. And very, very cold. Merle can see his breath condensing as he exhales, curling upward to stick to the top of the helmet as they take several steps into the room. Several very crunchy steps, over tiny shards of crystal almost like… almost like snowflakes.

            There’s a gasp from the kid. Merle looks up.

            The source of both cold and crystallized snowflakes is a vent open to the outside of the lab. Snowflakes are drifting in lazily, transmuting from ice to pink tourmaline before they’ve even hit the ground. That isn’t what got the kid’s attention though.

            Nah, the cause of the gasp was probably the dwarven figure in a yellow null suit standing at the base of the vent. Oh, and it’s a _crystal_ dwarven figure. That’s probably the real cause. He’s got his helmet open and an equally crystal cigar in his mouth.

            It doesn’t take a genius to recognize Boyland.

            “Oh gods it’s Merle.” Magnus says, and okay, maybe it does take a genius. Apparently Lucas’s robot did not make them any smarter.

            “Not all dwarves look the same!” Merle scolds Magnus.

            “He’s right. This one’s all flesh dwarf, and that one’s all crystal dead dwarf.” Taako points at each in turn.

            “Right! 100% alive flesh dwarf right here!” Merle raises his right arm and waves his hand as close to Magnus’s face as he can reach.

            There’s a small sad little squeak sound, and the grins fall off of Magnus and Taako’s faces.

            “What will his kids think?” Angus asks quietly. “They won’t… after the Rites of Remembrance, they won’t even remember.”

            Taako breathes out in a whistle sort of sound. “Agnes…”

            “It’s not funny!” Angus snaps, pointing, hand shaking. “He had 413 kids, he volunteered at the fantasy Boys and Dwarves Club, and he always brought doughnuts up to the moon base. He _matters_.”

            “We know.” Magnus says softly.

            “Do you?” Angus shoots back, glaring. Taako and Magnus glance at each other, not sure what to say.

            Merle sighs, reaches out to grab the battleaxe still clenched in Boyland’s crystal fist. Shit, it really does have 413 names on it. “Listen, kid… we all knew what we signed up for. Boyland knew, and we, uh, we respect that even if we didn’t necessarily, you know, _like_ him. And, uh, his kids… look, a good father is like… a good father is like roots. Even if you cut down the tree and all that, you can’t get rid of that foundation entirely.”

            “He wanted to smoke. He wanted to smoke in a room full of virulent crystal. He probably didn’t even see the snowflakes. That’s so… that’s so short-sighted.” Angus shakes his head.

            “You know, it’s still probably not the stupidest death the Bureau’s ever seen, right? Like, Magnus kicked that one guy in a hole!” Merle continues. Angus just shakes his head again.

            “Let’s… uh, let’s get out of here.” Taako clears his throat. “Not… we can’t do anything else here anyway.”

            Like Carey and Killian must have done earlier, they leave the crystallized Boyland behind.

 

* * *

 

            After a couple of deep breaths, Angus feels… well, not better, not about Boyland’s death certainly but… maybe a little guilty? He knows that the Reclaimers tend to joke when things like this happen, to avoid actually dealing with it, or dealing with death as a permanent thing. But that doesn’t make it okay, he reaffirms to himself with a set chin.

            “Sorry, Ango.” Magnus whispers (or, whispers as much as Magnus does) down to him as they enter the next airlock. “That was… that was pretty shitty of us.”

            “Yeah, uh… sorry?” Taako says, the word sounding uncertain in his mouth. It’s not something Taako does often, certainly, but Angus knows that means it’s genuine. And both apologies help.

            Angus sniffles, uses Mage Hand to push his glasses up his nose. After seeing that? He’s not opening his helmet for anything. Not even in an arcane airlock. Not until they’ve gotten the Philosopher’s Stone and stopped this.

            But first. A fork in the road. Huh. He should make a joke about that to Taako later, see if he can’t guilt the elf into returning more of the silverware sooner.

            The door to the Gravity Augmentation Chamber looks older than the others they’ve seen, as though this were one of the first experiments started in this lab and then just left behind once the Millers started focusing on other technologies. The door to the Temperature Augmentation Chamber is covered in a layer of ice several inches thick.

            “Well. We have a door we can go through and a door we can’t go through.” Merle says. “I think our decision is obvious.”

            “Ice door it is!” Magnus looks prepared to attempt to punch through the door. Somehow Angus doubts that will work.

            “You want to pick the harder option… because it’s the harder option?” Angus asks.

            “That… doesn’t make sense, y’all?

            “Have you never played fantasy video games, Ango, Noelle?”

            “No? I’m a robot.”

            “And then what if it’s a door we can’t get into because we’re not a high enough level?” Angus retorts, and Magnus opens and closes his mouth several times, blinking, clearly not expecting the question. And not able to come up with an answer.

            “Guys, guys. Before we go through all of the, uh, the rigmarole of breaking down doors… cha’boy doesn’t need to.” And with that Taako closes his eyes and begins to concentrate. Or tries to.

            “I’m not touching you. Hey. Hey. I’m not touching you.” Merle holds a finger out a few inches from Taako. Taako, eyes still tightly closed, holds up a particular finger in response. Merle huffs. Angus casts Mage Hand, quickly poking Merle, who then huffs at both. Magnus laughs.

            Taako finally does concentrate enough to use Clairvoyance. It looks as though he’s watching something fast-paced, the way his eyelids are flickering the slightest bit and his ears flicking much more. “Oh shit, sweet flip.” Angus hears him hiss very quietly. And then Taako says nothing.

            “Well, guys. It’s empty.” Taako says, opening his eyes after a few very long moments. Which seem too long, frankly, if the only thing Taako was looking at was an empty room. Especially given the comment. Angus raises an eyebrow, immediately skeptical. “Let’s try the other one.”

            “Really? But it looks so _cool._ Get it? Huh? Huh?” Magnus asks, elbowing anyone within reach. Which is everyone, actually.

            “Seemed like you took a while to just look at an empty room, sir.”

            “Because I was _making sure_ it was empty, Agnes.” Taako replies, mock offended.

            “And ‘oh shit, sweet flip?’” Angus asks again. That sounds… well, that sounds like how someone would describe something Carey would do.

            “Old elven lullaby to concentrate. Oh shiiiiiiiiiiiiit, sweet fliiiiiiiiiiiiiip.” Taako sings by way of example. “Are those ice robots? Aw duuuuuuuuuuuuuunk.”

            At this point Angus is certain that the room is anything but empty.

            “Ice robots?” Magnus asks excitedly.

            “Part of the song, my dude.” Taako snaps.

            “Oh, I think I hear something.” Angus says flatly.

            “No you don’t, you little shit; there’s eight inches of ice between us and the ice robots.” Taako blinks, surprised at what he’d let out. Angus is surprised he fell for it that easily.

            “There _are_ ice robots!” Magnus exclaims gleefully.

            “…Son of a bitch.” Taako sighs before looking to Angus. “ _You little shit.”_

            “Learned from the best, sir.”

            “Fuck yeah, you did. And listen. Yeah, there are ice robots. Fuck.”

            “Do they have arms?” Merle asks, and Magnus gasps excitedly at the thought.

            “For now they do. Asses, however, are, uh, debatable. Okay, so, uh, Killian and Carey are in there absolutely wailing on the ice robots and handing them their asses. I said there was nothing there because they have it under control.”

            “Oh, sounds good, weirdo gravity room it is.” Merle says.

            “Well…” Angus thinks about it. Carey and Killian are very competent and are probably more than happy to fight after what happened to Boyland. And while Taako would lie about them fighting ice robots in the first place, he wouldn’t lie about them kicking ass, especially after what happened to Boyland. “And if we go through the other room, Lucas can shut off both rooms…” Angus mumbles to himself. At this point it doesn’t surprise him that Lucas has left what seems like every single utility in the lab on. Responsible scientist, Lucas Miller is not.

            “Woo, gravity room, gravity room!” Magnus cheers, opening the door.

            The Gravity Augmentation Chamber is, unequivocally, a dump. Literally. The gravity has been turned off, and trash is just floating everywhere throughout the spherical room.

            “Hey, Lucas?” Magnus asks.

            “Yeah?”

            “What’s up with your trash room?”

            “Oh that. Bless this mess, right?” Lucas says with a sincerely awkward laugh.

            “Not really, sir.” Angus replies, eyeing a sign floating by with the words, “Bless this mess,” written in intricate curvy lettering.

            “Okay, listen. I’m not really that great about getting rid of my junk-”

            “Yeah, we can tell.” Magnus points to the refrigerator though Lucas, of course, can’t see it. “You have to take the doors off refrigerators before you throw them out.”

            “I didn’t know that.”  
            “Everyone knows that!”

            “I knew that!” Taako raises a hand.

            “Well, uh, anyway, I always figured I might need it again someday, and to be honest, I never really knew how to handle industrial waste? Like, what do you _do_ with a refrigerator?”

            “We already covered that! You take the doors off first, Lucas!”

            “Listen, I don’t expect any kids to go wandering into my trash room and get into a floating refrigerator.”

            “Well, did you expect your lab to get taken over by virulent crystal?”

            “Point taken.”

            “Excellent. So I get advantage on all future arguments with you, right?

            “Yes, that’s exactly how whatever game you’re playing works. Also this chamber isn’t exactly in use a lot. It was something my mom worked on, for the anti-gravity technology we use here on the lab and on the moon base.”  
            “So, she made the lab and the moon base possible… and you made a shrinking elevator?” Angus asks.

            “Hey, that was a pretty cool elevator and model. Right? Magnus, Merle?”

            “Yeah, yeah, sure, Lucas, listen, I’ve gotta try out this no gravity shit right now.” Magnus says before taking a few steps back, practically vibrating with excitement, before taking a running leap into the chamber, yelling, “I’m a magic boy!” Noelle floats out after him, easily propelling herself forward.

            “All right, kid, let’s go.” Merle nudges Angus. When he doesn’t move, Merle shrugs and jumps after Magnus.

            “You good, Agnes?” Taako asks.

            “Just waiting for something else to happen, sir.” Angus looks skeptically out over the heaps of trash.

            “Hey, listen. You heard Lucas. This was Maureen’s shit. Means he can’t fuck it up with his shitty inventions, right?”

            Angus looks between Taako and the trash room, weighing his options. There is still eight inches of ice between him and Carey and Killian and the ice robots. Angus steps forward.

            The sensation of weightlessness is a strange one, even after having experienced Feather Fall. This isn’t slowly falling, because it isn’t falling at all. Angus drifts forward, propelled by the bit of momentum he’d had when he stepped into the room.

            “Hey, Noelle! Look at me!” Magnus yells from where he’s drifting, bouncing off of Lucas’s trash every so often. “I’m gonna do a stunt!” Magnus pushes off a red barrel to do a flip through the space, giggling happily all the while.

            “Oh, wow, Magnus.” Noelle says appreciatively. “Angus, Taako, Merle? Are you going to do a stunt too?”

            “Psh, I can fly all the time.” Taako flaps a hand airily.

            “I could spin the kid really fast.”

            “I think I’ll pass, sir.”

            “I never get to do magic! This is great! Hey, hey, guys, so if we ignore, uh, air resistance, then by conservation of momentum, if you-” Magnus is cut off from completing what is no doubt likely to be a gross joke by the sounds of rubble shifting and shaking against itself.

            The massive ball of trash floating near the bottom of the spherical room breaks apart, and three shiny, pink floating creatures begin drifting upward toward the five of them. And as though gravity suddenly returned, Angus’s stomach drops.

            “Hey, Lucas? Me again. There are, uh, these, these weird-”

            “Lucas?” Angus interrupts Magnus. “Why are there giant tardigrades in your trash heap?”

            “Tardigrades? Giant tardigrades?” Lucas sounds confused. “You’ve gotta- you’ve gotta be confusing whatever this is for tardigrades. Tardigrades are tiny.”

            “Well these sure ain’t that.” Merle says, waving his arms wildly as he tries to prevent himself from going into the world’s slowest backflip.

            “No, they’re tardigrades.” Angus insists, scrambling to grab onto the nearest piece of garbage, a crate.

            “Tardigrades are microscopic. I mean, there’s been _some_ preliminary research that shows they thrive in lower gravity environments-”

            “Well now there’s more because they are thrived as hell.”

            “Wait. They’re. They’re really there? And they’re _enormous_?”

            “The size of a battlewagon engine.”

            “You guys need to get out of there! Tardigrades are also called unkillable water bears for a reason!”

            “No shit, Lucas.” Angus says.

            “Yeah, you’re not the only one who knows things about tardigrades, Lucas!” Taako yells. “Even if I didn’t, uh, immediately recognize them.” He admits more softly. “The bad thing about tardigrades is they will eat anything. Even entire other living organisms. Like rotifers. Or other tardigrades. Or anything their size, _probably_.” Angus is inclined to agree with the last point in particular, especially as the tardigrades open their mouths.

            “Okay, cool, cool. Time to go!” Magnus pushes off some garbage to try to make his way across the room. And so Magnus avoids getting grabbed by one of the tongues of the tardigrades. So does Angus, for that matter; he thinks likely because behind the crate, he’s a much smaller target. And a much smaller dinner.

            Taako and Merle aren’t so lucky. Which is. Not great. Angus reaches into his bag for a smaller cinched bag he knows is in there. Angus throws the bean straight toward the gaping maw of the one that missed Magnus, its tongue still slowly and sadly recoiling back toward its mouth. And Angus misses. The bean sails harmlessly over the tardigrade (and it doesn’t look particularly tempted by the snack either) before, fifteen feet away from the nearest tardigrade, it explodes against one of the large panes of glass, shattering the thing and sending little specks of molten glass everywhere.

            As the glass breaks though, Angus hears tiny wings flittering by him and looks up around to see Merle with the Extreme Teen Bible Open and little sprites emanating from him, having already freed himself from the tardigrade’s twisted tongue trap. It’d be more impressive if he weren’t mostly upside down. That same tardigrade though lets out an awful shriek as it comes within range of the sprites. As it stops screaming though, it closes its mouth down on Merle, carried forward by physics.

            Taako is, once again, unlucky, as the tardigrade that has a hold on him seems to be too intent on lunch to notice the sprites. And it attempts to chomp down on Taako, not puncturing the null suit, but Angus doubts that feels particularly pleasant.

            “Yuck!” Angus hears Magnus shout from behind him and looks up to see Magnus now covered in some particularly acidic looking black spit, a sharp contrast from the shiny bubblegum pink of the tardigrade skin. As it is though, the physics of it does propel the tardigrade backward. “HA! It works. Haha- OW.” Magnus ineffectively attempts to shake off some of the poison on his null suit.

            “Hey, waterbear! You wanna know how I know so much about you! Check it!” Taako yells, casting an illusion only the tardigrade can see. An illusion that is, apparently, more terrifying than death itself, considering this is an unkillable water bear. The tardigrade releases its grip on Taako, unclenching its jaw and retracting its tongue as it screams, frantically attempting to scramble away from Taako and the nightmare vision. “Enjoy your taste of Taako!”

            “How long did you spend on that one-liner, sir?”

            “Worked better than your throw, Djangus!”

            Angus opens his mouth to retort, but they’re both interrupted by Magnus. Specifically, Magnus zooming past, yelling, “PHYSICS NYOOM,” as he propels himself shield first with a fire extinguisher straight into a tardigrade, knocking it backward toward the others. And Magnus sends the fire extinguisher with it, quickly pulling out bow and arrow to shoot it. The pressurized canister bursts, splattering the foam over the three tardigrades now clustered at the bottom of the room.

            And Angus then attempts to shoot Ray of Frost at one and freeze the fire extinguisher foam on it, but it’s hard to keep your aim steady in zero gravity, and the spell goes wide, coating the red barrel in a layer of ice.

            “Nice one, kid! You protected us from a barrel!” Merle yells as he throws a small axe. And then quickly shuts his mouth as the axe gently boops a tardigrade on the snout.

            “You were saying, sir?”

            And Merle doesn’t get to say anything in response before the tardigrade in the middle, the one Taako hit with the illusion spell, still attempting to wipe fire extinguisher cream off, screams again. And then its head explodes.

            “Well, I’m good to go now! You guys can handle the other two!” Taako flaps a hand.

            One of the non-exploded tardigrades, having successfully cleared its vision, moves forward and launches its tongue at Merle, who narrowly avoids it. Whether he meant to move that way is unclear to Angus, but it works. Better still, the tardigrade’s tongue sticks to the refrigerator, resulting in some particularly distressed noises. The other still living tardigrade blindly spits more black acid, which collides straight with Taako.

            “I have to do everything around here!” Taako yells, flying forward to set off an exceptionally powerful, exceptionally _loud_ Thunderwave. Even out of range, Angus is pushed back a bit. The tardigrade with its tongue stuck to the fridge is thrown all the way back to the wall, the first impact followed by a second, the fridge slamming into it. It doesn’t move.

            Magnus, apparently still loving and taking advantage of the ability to fly around, pushes himself off of the broken industrial fan blade and straight at the tardigrade. Angus is concerned about the lack of weapons in Magnus’s hands, until he launches the tardigrade straight at Merle. With its speed, it evades the sprites. “Merle! Warhammer! Now!” Magnus yells, and there’s a solid-sounding clunk as Merle connects.

            There’s a moment of quiet.

            “Okay, now that flying’s boring again, _can we go_?” Taako asks.

            It sounds like a solid plan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there!
> 
> So, that's chapter 12 done. Still expecting the remainder of Crystal Kingdom to be two chapters and hoping to have it done by the end of the year (and holy guacamole that's coming up fast). I've also got some Candlenights exchange fics to get to, so dates are a little nebulous at present.
> 
> As always, comments are so very much appreciated, and I hope you enjoyed the many things I shoved into this chapter!
> 
> Leave a message after the beep at [charmandhex](https://charmandhex.tumblr.com) and stick around for updates on upcoming chapters and other works.


	13. Angus McDonald, Planar Researcher

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s time to get some answers, and the Red Robe’s got some powerful PowerPoint effects to keep our heroes’ attention. Also, it’s time for competent women less than competently flirting, dunking on Lucas, and a fight with a mysterious foe who you probably recognize.
> 
> Magnus is on the attack. Angus fights back. Taako has a snack. Merle is absolutely, unequivocally NOT having a great time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Brief head's up as to the content:  
> The first few scenes involve Merle losing his arm (first scene, Merle POV) and the immediate aftermath, and there's also mention of needles in the med bay scene (Magnus's first POV scene and Merle's second). There's no more mention of it by the first time it's Taako's POV.

            By this point, Merle is fairly tired of the repetitive arcane airlocks. They look so similar that they could all just be walking around in circles with the set changing around them for crying out loud!

            At least the next room is different. Merle squints as he looks around the large circular chamber. Next to them, ice covered door… then whatever a Cosmoscope is… then another elevator, great, pointy hat’s gonna complain… and med bay! Finally. You know, Merle was starting to-

            There’s a pounding at the ice covered door. So, naturally, Magnus walks up and knocks back. There’s a pause, and then the pounding intensifies. Great. _Another_ interruption. “Magnus? Taako? Angus? Merle? Is that you guys?” Well, of all the- Merle crosses his arms. Last, after even the kid.

            “Yeah, it’s us. Is that you guys?” Magnus responds.

            “Yeah, it’s Carey and Killian. Can you help us get out of here? We’ve been trying to chop through for ages now.” Carey calls, voice muffled, presumably by all the ice.

            “You came to the right guy!” Magnus declares, axe already in hand and setting to the door as well.

            “We got through the robots, but this _fucking_ door… Taako, Angus, Merle-” again with the being mentioned _last_ \- “Have you got any fire spells to get through the door?” Killian asks.

            “Oh, right, who needs an axe when you’ve got _magic fire?_ ” Magnus retorts, still sending chips of ice flying everywhere.

            “I’ve got Sacred Flame!” Merle yells already pulling out the Extreme Teen Bible.

            “Uh, sir, since that’s sort of radiant fire… I’m not sure it will work.” Kid already has the world’s smallest fire on his fingertip and turns to start poking at the inches of ice covering the door hinges. Noelle moves forward to hover anxiously behind the pair.

            “What do you know?” Merle retorts.

            “Yeah, listen, Agnes is right, old man.” Taako comments. The wizard takes a moment to look at Magnus and Angus. They’re not really getting anywhere. “Ugh, _fine_ ,” Taako says as he rolls his eyes, starting to channel up a fireball. It looks weird, coming from him. Maybe that’s because Merle’s only seen him use it fighting a giant plant monster, he decides as he, disappointed, puts the Extreme Teen Bible back to just stand there. And watch. Not helping.

            Bored.

            “Merle…” Merle blinks as he hears a strange, possibly familiar voice from behind him. “Merle, behind you... Merle, look behind you.”

            _Nope!_ Merle thinks, shaking his head, and refusing to acknowledge the weirdo voice that apparently no one else can hear right now. Though, they are all focused on getting through the ice door that Merle can’t help with.

            “Dammit, Merle, look behind you.” There’s a laugh in the voice though, so… not too bad? Still nope. “Merle, it’s me, it’s Pan, you’ve gotta look behind you…” Well, the voice does sound vaguely familiar… it _could_ be the same voice he’d talked to earlier during the, uh, tiny Angus robot incident.

            And as Merle turns, there is another familiar sort of sound as a rift appears in midair. Merle’s eyes flick to the sides. No one else is seeing the rift any more than they’re hearing Pan’s voice. Okay then. A bright pink crystal, blazing with white fire, flashes under the fantasy fluorescent lights of the room, poking out of the rift. And you know, this is some weird shit, even for Pan.

            “Merle, listen, you have to trust me. You trust me, you trust Pan, right? Merle, listen, you have to grab the crystal, before it hits the ground. You can save them, Merle; you can still prevent this whole room being crystallized.” Half without realizing it, Merle’s gotten a lot closer to the rift and the crystal. “Grab it before it touches the ground! Save your friends! Grab the crystal, Merle!” And the crystal falls.

            Time seems to slow down before Merle’s eyes, as if he were watching the sands trickling through an hourglass slow to a near halt, with grains of sand floating down one at a time like the soft snowflakes that had fallen through that vent, virulent crystal before they’d even hit the ground.

            Merle reaches out and grabs the crystal.

            Everything is fine. The room isn’t crystal. Every _one_ is fine.

            And then a new voice, or the same voice changed to an awful Cockney accent, says, “Well, this is gonna be a lot easier than I thought.”

            There’s a sound like a shatter and, in the same moment, a sharp pain in Merle’s hand, quickly overcome by a peculiar numbness. Merle opens his hand to reveal pink splinters sticking through the null suit’s palm into his actual hand. And, strike that, _Merle_ isn’t fine.

            The pain returns in full and then redoubles, a feeling of fire starting to spread up his arm. It’s a strangely familiar feeling.

            Merle is surprised to find that he feels perfectly calm. This is fine. This is most definitely fine. And so Merle turns back to the others. “Hey, Noelle? Check this shit out!”

 

* * *

 

            “Oh my god, guys, he’s crystallizin’!” Noelle yells after Merle’s frankly innocuous comment. And that gets Magnus’s attention.

            Tits. And, uh, Noelle definitely had the right of it as far as urgent, life-threatening situations go.

            “Sir!” Angus exclaims, staring in horror as pink crystal starts to overtake Merle’s arm, shredding through the fabric of the burnt umber null suit. Well… _tits._

            “I can chop it off!” Magnus yells, barreling forward, Railsplitter at the ready. They’ve already heard, already learned that contact with the virulent crystal is fatal.

            “No!” Merle yells back, scrambling backward.

            “I’m gonna chop it off!”

            “Quit chopping my arm off!” Merle is holding the arm away from Magnus.

            “Let me chop it off!”

            “Merle, do you want me to freeze it? Do you think that would work?” Taako’s yelling, too, eyes wide and ears pulled back flat.

            “Sir, that won’t help! It’ll just crystallize the ice unless you can transmute the whole thing, and maybe not even then! The Philosopher’s Stone… it’s the strongest transmutation magic out there.”

            Noelle’s fluttering about, holding her hands up nervously, worried to get too close and unable to help. Taako looks ready to try any spell he can think of. And Angus. Angus’s eyes are wide, terrified, more so than since… since the last time he thought one of them was about to die.

            “Fine! Chop the damn thing off!” Magnus and Noelle rush forward, Noelle dispensing a small piece of wood to bite down on. “Wait, or my head, then I won’t suffer!”

            “Sorry, old man, you’re sticking around.”

            “Why did Pan lie to me?” Merle moans before biting down on the wood Noelle offers. And Magnus tucks that away for later, because they _really_ don’t have time to unpack that now.

            “Just like riding a bike. Chopping an arm off. Done this a hundred times before. Practically have a proficiency in this.”

            “Wait, it wasn’t Pan, was it. _Shit!_ ” Merle says around the wood as Magnus brings the axe down.

            Merle’s crystallized arm falls to the floor, bouncing a few times and clinking every time. Patches of pink crystal appear and start to spread outward everywhere the arm touches the floor. But that’s a comparatively minor concern, as Merle drops to the floor, solidly unconscious, a split second after the arm falls.

            There’s a loud BANG and Carey and Killian burst through the icy door. “ _Finally!_ Did you guys stop helping?” Carey exclaims.

            “I’m so glad you’re okay th- WHAT THE FUCK?” Killian exclaims, far more loudly than Carey. The pink tourmaline reaches the edge of the floor and starts to climb the walls.

            “We’ve gotta go, y’all! I don’t have any more of that med spray yet; that wasn’t enough time to synthesize enough for a nosebleed, let alone a whole arm getting chopped off!” Noelle hovers anxiously, well above the floor, eyeing the crystal as it creeps implacably onward and onto the ceiling.

            “He’s gone into shock! We’ve got to get him to the med bay _now!_ ” Angus rushes up to Magnus and Merle and immediately starts trying to tug the dwarf along by his still attached arm.

            “What just happened? Med bay? You’re real close by! Did you… did you just cut his fucking arm off?” Lucas shouts down the Stone of Farspeech. The whole room is crystal now, and Magnus thinks he hears the sound of a rift tearing open through the shouting.

            “…Yes,” Magnus admits as, gently, he nudges Angus aside to get to Merle again. Taako starts nudging Angus in the general direction of the airlock while Magnus picks up their unconscious cleric.

            And as Magnus grabs Merle, Merle’s crystal arm shudders, shakes, and then shoots off to join pieces of crystal broken off from various bits of the room now spinning around each other and that stupid ball of light.

            Magnus doesn’t stick around to see what kind of monster it forms. Nah, Magnus, with Merle and the rest of his party, rushes out.

            The next chamber is an equally crystallized Decontamination Chamber. Which is another thing they don’t have time to unpack right now. Magnus doesn’t break his stride running through the next arcane airlock.

            The seven of them barrel through the doorway into the med bay. It looks like a smaller version of the one at the BoB (that Magnus has grown quite accustomed to seeing after training sessions), though it’s empty aside from Lucas. Lucas, who looks like shit, with a poorly tied bloody bandage around his head.

            Well, he isn’t the only one, Magnus thinks, worry and bitterness tinging the thought as he slides Merle onto the table in the room, saying, “Lucas, fix my friend! I don’t know what happened!” as he turns. Taako snorts at that, and Angus’s face breaks into a wobbly smile. Point to Magnus.

            “What did you do to that dwarf?”

            “You said you needed a hand!” Taako shrugs, tone joking, but his ears are still pulled back and his eyes keep flicking around the room, between Merle on the table and Angus’s wide eyes and Lucas.

            Killian, however, is very much unamused by both jokes and gets to Lucas before even Magnus can, hoisting the much smaller human off the ground to glare at him at eye level. “What. The. Shit.” She spits, angry, shaking him with each word. Carey doesn’t approach, but she is equally tense and twirling a dagger effortlessly on one finger. Dammit, Magnus really should have invested in some rogue skills. “This has been the worst, shittiest day ever. We are down two people. We are plummeting toward the water and ending the world as we know it. Your lab _SUCKS.”_

            Magnus approaches. Killian glances to him but doesn’t drop Lucas. Magnus doesn’t mind though, face quickly turning serious. “Fix. My. Friend.” He says, voice level.

            “You’ve gotta put me down if you want me to help your friend!” Lucas manages to get out, face red.

            “Killian… please. Merle needs help.” Angus calls, voice quiet but even, much more even than the smile he’d managed moments ago. Magnus glances back. Both Taako and Angus are hovering around the table, Noelle hovering behind them, clasping her hands.

            “Yeah, Killz, we can… let’s just, let’s just take this down a bit,” Carey says, handily stopping the twirling dagger. “Let’s figure out how to help Merle right now.” Killian looks from Carey, over to Angus, over to Merle, and unceremoniously drops Lucas. Neither she nor Magnus help him straighten up.

            Lucas scrambles over to a drawer and drags it open with a loud clatter. Apparently, nothing in Lucas’s lab is organized in any fashion whatsoever. Magnus is at this point entirely unsurprised. Lucas flips open the cap on the syringe (so at least _that’s_ clean) before turning around and jamming it into Merle’s arm.

            Merle’s eyes roll open almost immediately. “AHHHHHHH! SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!” Well, at least Merle’s back with them.

 

* * *

 

            Consciousness is considerably less painful than when he left it. Also not where he left it. Merle blinks a few times before managing to lift his head, which feels rather heavier than perhaps it ought. And much more full of fog. He blinks a few more times. There are five people and a robot standing around the table he is apparently lying on (which is none too comfy by the way, _Lucas_ ), and he slowly swivels his head around to check. Taako and Angus are standing next to each other on his left side, and one of them looks to be the considerably more concerned of the two. The other is Taako. Carey is beyond them, near Merle’s feet, drumming her fingers on the table, clickclickclick. Over her shoulder Merle thinks he sees Killian, and a few words from a voice he recognizes as, as L- as the Director’s drift over. Noelle is next to Carey, the pixelated expression on her face clearly one of abject distress. Even loopy as shit, Merle finds himself noting the odd juxtaposition of such a human expression on such a haphazard robot.

            To his right are Magnus and Lucas, the latter of whom is looking between Merle and Magnus, apparently questioning every single life choice that has brought him to this moment. Which, you know, that seems reasonable. Merle could probably do the same.

            “What has been going _on_ out there? What are you guys doing? What happened to Merle?” Lucas demands.

            “Weeeeeeeeeeeeell…” Magnus starts.

            “I got... disarmed.” Merle finishes dramatically. Taako and Magnus look at each other before both letting out a snort. And then everyone starts talking much too fast for Merle’s fuzzy brain to keep up.

            “Merle was crystallizing,” Angus explains, because _of course_ he does. “We were trying to get through the door to get to Carey and Killian-”

            “Via chopping and magicking!” Magnus nods along.

            “And then Noelle, uh, _shrieked_ ,” Taako continues.

            “He was turning to crystal!” Noelle says defensively.

            “Yes, his hand was turning to crystal… and it was spreading up his arm.” Angus goes on.

            “And that was when Killian and I finally busted through the frozen door. I don’t even know how that happened; what kind of experiment even _was_ that?” Carey comments.

            “And since we didn’t, uh, we didn’t want _two_ fully crystal dwarfs on our hands, I valiantly chopped off Merle’s crystal arm to save his life!” Magnus finishes, hands on his hips.

            “You chopped off my arm!” Merle half complains, half mumbles. Magnus chopped off his arm. That wasn’t very nice.

            “And I accept your thanks for it!” Magnus replies. By the time Merle’s brain catches up with the statement to inform Magnus that Merle is not, in fact, thanking him for chopping off his arm, someone else is talking.

            “You don’t have to explain it to him!” Taako leans over Merle to glare at Lucas. “This is your fault! Fix him and get us the fuck out of here! Unfuck your own mess!”

            “We can’t! Did you forget, we have to stop the crystallizing before we sink into the sea and crystallize the whole world! I can’t do this on my own! Look, I- I fucked up an experiment pretty bad-”

            “Color me unsurprised.” Angus retorts. “But sir… he’s right. And he definitely can’t do this on his own.”

            “What if we just send Agnes out then?” Taako tries. “It’s past his bedtime anyway.”

            “No, I’m staying!”

            “I don’t even think we could… I’m not sure there is a way out if we don’t stop this.”

            “Lucas. Your lab really fucking sucks.” Carey nearly spits. There’s a flash of silver and then a thunk. It seems Carey stabbed the table. Which is much more impressive when you realize it’s a metal table. At least she kept it far away from Merle’s feet. “We lost Boyland, we nearly lost Merle, and we can’t get out.”

            “But I don’t think the arm thing is on me! Merle, what _actually_ happened?”

            Merle pauses. Ah yes. The important part. “God… lied to me.” He declares, utterly woebegone.

            “Sir, you realized right before when… you realized earlier that whoever that was, whatever that was, wasn’t Pan.” Had he? Merle concentrates, trying to remember what happened right before Magnus swung his axe.

            “God. Lied. To me.” They’re trying to argue with him, even if Merle can only make out half the words when everyone’s talking all at once. But that voice said that it was Pan, and Pan wanted him to grab the crystal. Everything would be fine if he grabbed the crystal. And everything is not fine. So Merle’s right. “I’ll say it another way. Gooooooooooooooood. Liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiied. Tooooooooooooooooo. Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.”

            “Merle, please.” Noelle pleads. “What happened before that?”

            “Pan was some fantasy British guy and wanted me to grab a crystal… so I grabbed it… and it hurt. And Magnus chopped off my arm!”

            “Oh my gods.” Lucas wheels around and starts making a racket again. “I think… I think it’s that being. The one that’s been attacking my lab. I don’t know what the fuck that thing is, and I’m sorry you guys got mixed up in this… I didn’t want any of this. You have to believe me.”

            “Yeah, I’m going to need some facts-based evidence first, sir.”

            “You’ll get it, just let me…” Lucas steps back over. “Look, I’m going to fix Merle’s arm, or I’m going to try to, but then we’ve got to deal with the bigger problem on our hands,” Lucas says as he jams another needle into Merle’s arm.

            “Well, cause of this shit, now I only got one!” And Merle drifts off again.

 

* * *

 

            Merle starts snoring. Taako wrinkles his nose, but Angus seems relieved by the noise and by Merle being not dead more specifically. And listen, maybe, just maybe Taako feels some of the tension leave his own shoulders, too.

            “Wait, crystal monster? Like the ice robots?” Killian has finished her call with the Director and approaches. She looks between Carey and the knife embedded in the table and raises an eyebrow. With a quick tug and a flourish, she presents it back to Carey. “I think, uh, I think you’ll probably still want this, Carey.”

            Well, _someone_ around here has to do something besides flirt when they should be working. “No, uh, there’s been this weird singing and then a rock monster who hates Merle and someone with a fantasy British accent who also hates Merle, who may or may not be the same person.” Taako explains to Killian. Lucas frowns at that.

            “I think it is, since a new crystal monster was forming when we ran out. And Noelle said it was undead in origin.” Angus says, looking up from Merle to study Lucas closely.

            “Undead? Well, I, uh-”

            “Lucas.” Magnus interrupts, nearly looming over him. “I feel like you’re not being honest about things.”

            “Honest?”

            “Like the compact?” Magnus points out.  
            “Compact, you- you went in my room?”

            “Yeah, and it was a fucking mess, and all your gems were stolen. But that’s not important!” Magnus says hastily when he sees Lucas is about to interrupt to ask about the gems. “You’ve gotta clean in there!”

            “You’ve got to clean your whole entire lab, actually, sir.”

            “Yeah, clean your shit, dirty boy!” Taako agrees, nodding vehemently. His own room might be messy, but Taako knows exactly where everything is. And there’s no used dishes and cutlery just lying around, because Taako is a chef, and he has _standards_.

            “Look, I’ll explain. I’ll explain everything. And I’ll clean _later_ , but-” Lucas scribbles something down on a piece of paper and passes it over to Carey. “Carey, I need you to get over to the bugbears and tell Jamie Green that I need these supplies right now. She can come-”

            “Virulent crystal,” Angus interrupts dryly, and Taako feels a swell of pride.

            “…You can come back with them. Just come back quick as you can.”

            Carey turns away from where she’s staring at Killian to look down at the note and then up to Lucas. She shakes her head, seemingly to focus, before saying, “You got it.”

            Lucas turns around and starts messing with some stuff, grabbing his belt and a petri dish. “Right! I’ve got a plan! Noelle, can I have the, uh, the you know, with the-” Noelle zips over and wordlessly passes over another small quantity of the same healing juice she’d given Merle earlier.

            “You could have fooled us.” Angus says. Lucas ignores it. Which is rude. You should always acknowledge the boy’s sass; he needs the approval. Taako pats the top of his helmet a couple times.

            “So, uh, we can’t leave. Because whole world ending problem and all. We’ve got to stop this from spreading. But also that thing that keeps attacking. You see, I was, uh, down on the lower level of my lab, working on, uh, well, that doesn’t matter right now. But one of my robots attacked me.”

            “Couldn’t tell.” Taako calls, eyeing the bandage on Lucas’s head.

            “Right, so I came up here, obviously, to treat my head wound. And that same crystal monster attacked me in the decontamination chamber. Well, it’s not a crystal monster exactly-”

            “We know it’s possessing the crystals to make a golem, sir.”

            “Right, uh, okay, right. But I made my way back in here to the med bay and flooded it with anti-Conjuration energy since he’s obviously using Conjuration to plane hop.”

            “We figured that out, too, sir.”

            “Right, right, so I’ve got an idea to patch Merle up, and I can explain things. And then we can get down to the lower levels and I’ll stop the crystal from spreading and get out of here in one piece.”

            “Merle’s already in multiple pieces.” Magnus points out.

            “That’s on you, my dude.” Taako replies.

            “Okay, we’ll get out of this okay then. Or reasonably okay. Everything’s gonna work out. I just know it.”

            Somehow Taako still has his doubts on this point.

            Lucas doesn’t elaborate further either, just runs over to an electrical panel and starts messing with a hastily constructed terminal (though, given the level of work on Noelle and some of the other parts of Lucas’s lab, this could be a permanent feature). He starts fiddling, and there are more noises echoing in from distant parts of the lab. “Hey Ango, go babysit the nerd.” Taako hisses. “Make sure he doesn’t drop us out of the sky.”

            “Sir, you just want me to watch Lucas so you can poke around here, too.”

            “Listen. That’s only part of it.”

            But Angus smiles and shrugs a little. “It is good detective technique. Just don’t fuck up your investigation roll, sir.”

            “Uh, when have I ever?”

            So while Angus nerd-sits and Magnus talks to Killian and Carey, Taako starts pulling drawers open and closed and working his way across the room. “Why are you doin’ that?” Noelle asks from behind him. Taako slams the drawer full of gauze and bandages closed. It, like everything else, seems to have no rhyme or reason to its organization, even for someone as experienced with organized chaos as Taako is.

            “Uhhhhhh… looking for more bandages for Merle?” Taako’s voice rises steadily with his answer.

            “Oh, gee, did you notice something new? Did he get worse?” Noelle’s tone also rises, but in alarm, and Lucas momentarily looks up before Angus grabs his attention, likely with some technical question on what he’s doing.

            “No, no… I just… we’re gonna have to change them eventually?”

            “Oh. That, that makes sense. I guess that’s something I wouldn’t have thought of, what with being a robot and all.” Noelle shrugs. “But it seemed like there was plenty there?”

            “You’re right, you’re right.” Taako reopens the drawer and yanks out a couple handfuls of bandages, dumping them on the table where Merle is still out like a light. And it’s hard to continue investigating with Noelle watching, considering he can’t just Ray of Frost locks open and things like that. So Taako sees what’s left to see in the room, which isn’t unlike the BoB infirmary he’s gone to several times for one reason or another (most of which involved Magnus). The only other thing of interest here is another null suit chamber, much smaller than the one the four of them had stepped into earlier, with a Lucas-sized null suit hanging next to it.

            Eventually, after Merle starts to wake up again, Lucas leans back from the panel, and Angus is nodding next to him as he says, “I’ve rewired most of the lab. That should give us about 90 minutes to get downstairs and shut this shit down once and for all.”          

            “Cool, so that’s 89 minutes for you to explain what the hell is going on here and one minute for everything else,” Magnus responds.

            Lucas sighs. “I already… well, I didn’t already explain everything, but end of the world… okay, what do you want to know? I mean, you know there was an accident-”

            “Oh, I’ve got a list.” Magnus starts counting them on his fingers as he asks, “A, I got a compact that lets me see into some strange world. B, the weirdo voice that keeps talking to us.”

            “Singing to us,” Angus amends.

            “Right. C, some British guy… more or less took Merle’s hand. Was responsible for it.”

            “Wow, uh, really shiftin’ the blame there?” Taako asks.

            “Look, I just, you don’t say a sword stabbed a guy, you say the guy holding the sword did the stabbing. I was just the tool he was acting through. I was a tool!”  
            “Got that right, homie,” Taako adds with a snort.

            “Anyway! D, what the _fuck_ is happening?”

            “Yeah, that really encompasses the whole evening,” Angus says.

            Lucas sighs. “Right. We’ll, uh, we’ll get there. But, uh, to actually get there… I have an idea. Merle, we’re going to need your talented clerical ways to get us to go further… Merle?”

            “He’s listening,” Angus says.

            “I’m just a little grumpy. Which I’m sure you can all understand.”

            “Right. Magnus. You, uh, you took a little… you took one of Hodge Podge’s arms, right?”

            “It’s my thing,” Magnus responds, unrepentant.

            “Right. So can I… have it back?”

            Magnus rustles around through his bag, past cockroach mandible and all the other shit he’s got in there (and by how long it’s taking him to find the thing, Taako wouldn’t be surprised if Magnus brought his whole fuckin’ arm collection for some reason). “Aha!” Magnus pulls out the tiny robot arm and throws it to Lucas, who catches it pretty… handily.

            “That is… too small for Merle,” Taako raises an eyebrow at Lucas.

            “Hm, oh yeah, I just need a… this!” Lucas grabs a small piece off before turning and going back to tinkering.

            “Can I… have that back now?” Magnus wheedles.

            “Really?”

            “Uh, yeah?”

            Lucas wordlessly throws the arm over his shoulder. It nearly clobbers Angus right in the helmet, but Magnus snatches it out of the air and returns it to his bag. Before any of them can yell at Lucas for once again endangering the welfare of a child (never mind that they’re responsible for all the danger said child is facing, since they brought him along), Carey kicks in the door, potted plant in hand. “I got what you asked for from Jamie!” She yells, easily moving through the bodies to get over to Lucas. She passes over the pot, and Taako gets a glimpse of four sprouts.

            “Great! This is going to be great!” Lucas reaches for the plant, which slaps him a couple times, protesting. Lucas, however, ignores this, briskly removing the plant from its pot and shaking off the dirt still clinging to it. He then plants it in the petri dish, now filled with a glowing, syrupy looking green fluid before spraying it a few times. When Lucas turns around again, he has the plant hanging from the belt, and Taako has no idea where he’s going with this. “Merle, I, uh, I need you to drink this.”

            “What is it?” Killian asks, nose wrinkling at another ambiguous green fluid.

            “This is gonna be great, you gotta trust me.”

            “But what _is_ it?” Angus asks.

            “You know what, sure, why not?” Merle downs the whole shot of fluid before Lucas can actually give a half decent answer. “Mm. Health-flavored.” As Merle sets down the glass the shoots start wiggling, wrapping around each other to form the shape of a rough, four-fingered hand and arm.

            “Okay, so this plant, this plant is soulwood, and it’s a psychically attuned plant that can resonate with people that resonate with them. It can change its biology based on what other attuned living creatures need, and since plants are sort of your specialty and all-”

            “Lucas!” Taako exclaims. “Not with Agnes in the room!”

            “Right. But since plants are kind of your thing, do you just- do you mind-” And Lucas scurries over and starts messing with some straps, wrapping them around Merle’s chest and arm. And when Lucas pulls back, Merle has two arms again, one normal dwarf and one made out of psychic tree.

 

* * *

 

            After Lucas gets his null suit and they all recharge in Lucas’s fantasy clown car of a null suit chamber (pocket spa, it is _not_ ), Lucas leads them all back out the way they came in, through the Decontamination Chamber and back out into the now fully crystallized central room. The huge chunks of crystal that had been whirling around the room to form a new crystal golem have dropped to the floor, and there’s no sign of the ball of light that had been possessing them. Still, call it a hunch, call it detective’s intuition, call it too many hours of mystery novel foreshadowing, Angus has a bad feeling about them. He gives them a wide berth as they make their way to the door with a placard reading, “the Cosmoscope.”

            The room they enter into is near completely black, save for a single pillar of light in the center of the room, illuminating a floating disc that’s facing them. From the way their footsteps echo faintly through the space, it seems to be a fairly large chamber. But there’s an easier way to find out. Angus conjures up a Mage Hand and lowers the Goggles of Night he’d put on while in the med bay (anti-Conjuration energy means no rifts, and no rifts means no crystalline surprises – still, he’d been fast about it), joining Taako, Merle, Killian, and apparently Noelle in looking around the room. The space is in fact enormous, one of the largest rooms they’ve come across in Lucas’s lab, and there are more disks floating around, ten to be exact. Towards the back of the room is a lectern, with a crate next to it. Darkvision only covers grayscale, so Angus can’t determine what exactly these disks are or why they’re special. At least until a flash, the ghost of an image that shouldn’t be there, flits through the disk closest to him. Angus closes his mouth, thinking, the wheels in his mind already whirring up to speed.

            As for those left in the dark, Carey grabs onto Killian’s arm, squinting in the dim light, and Magnus looks around perplexed. Lucas, for his part, walks through the dark over to the lectern, seeming to know the space well enough to easily avoid the disks as they float by. He pulls out a flashlight, messing with something at the podium, and Angus raises the Goggles of Night again.

            As he does, an image pops up on the illuminated disk in the center of the room. It’s of the lab, not as it is now, with pink crystal creeping and sinking downward through the snowstorm to the Stillwater Sea below, but of the lab on a calm, sunny day. “Okay, I’m about to get into some pretty heavy concepts, and I’ll probably reshape your whole understanding of the universe and blow your minds. So, uh, so if you’re ever having any trouble with anything, if it’s too much or you have questions, feel free to stop me, okay?”

            “I’m sure I’ll be fine, sir.”

            “Wait, stop, you’re blowing my mind already,” Magnus says, raising a hand in question.

            “Oh boy.”

            “Seriously, sir?”

            Lucas starts again. “Okay, this might take a while. So, you know about taxonomy and hierarchy, right? My whole life I’ve been interested in that, in the idea that there’s always something bigger.”        

            “I’m sure there always is for you. Not for me though!” Magnus declares, hands on his hips.  
            “Ahem.” Killian says, flexing. Carey laughs.

            “Okay, fine,” Magnus says, sulking.

            “Anyway.”

            “So there’s always someone cooler than you?” Merle asks.

            “Well, that’s one way to put it. There’s always a bigger thing to contain the last, continuing onward to just inconceivable degrees.”

            “Turtles all the way down,” Taako says, nodding in agreement.

            “Turtles all the way down,” Lucas affirms. “So. This is my lab. We could go all the way down to the micro scale-”

            “We’ve already seen tardigrades though, sir.”

            “Right. Sorry, uh, sorry again about that. So, my lab. For purposes of this demonstration, we’ll be going up in scale though.” Lucas pinches his fingers together and suddenly the lab is a lot smaller, and they can all see it floating over the ever-placid Stillwater Sea. “And here’s my lab over the Stillwater Sea.” Another pinch. “The sea in relation to the surrounding land masses.” Pinch. “Our content, Faerun.” Pinch. “And our whole entire world, Abeir-Toril.”

            “How’d you do that?”

            Pinch. “Our solar system.”

            “Huh!”

            Pinch. “Our local interstellar cloud.”

            “What?”

            Pinch. “The local bubble.”

            “How?”

            Pinch. “The local arm.”

            “Now hold on!”

            Pinch. “The local galaxy”

            “What?!”

            After a few more pinches and exclamations from Magnus, Lucas looks near wild with excitement. “And this is it. This is our observable universe and everything in it. Every place anyone has ever been, every person who ever was. And even more than that, the immutable laws of our universe-”

            Taako leans over to Angus and hisses out of the corner of his mouth, “You following all of this, Djangus?”

            “You aren’t, sir?”

            “I was just checking to make sure you were!”

            “-gravity, thermodynamics, arcane interactions. All of the energy and mass and rules of our universe, here. Our entire observable universe, here. And you’re just a handful of people who have seen it before.” Noelle is bobbing as if nodding along with Lucas. Angus wonders, not for the first time tonight, how Lucas managed to create such an intelligent, thoughtful AI.

            “Hey, listen, uh, listen, quick question actually from cha’boy… what if I was to take one step past what you’ve shown me here?”

            Actually, Angus knows the answer to that question, and suddenly those other disks floating around make more sense. But only ten?

            Lucas’s smile grows wider, and he throws a switch. Angus blinks as the whole room lights up, revealing the remaining disks. The one they’d been watching was a blue-green material with silvery trim, and the others are the same, but different, a veritable rainbow of color that they hadn’t been able to see in the dark. Fiery red is the closest to them and they peer in, looking on a world of fire and lava, flames spurting and molten earth churning.

            They explore further. Blue holds an infinite ocean, roiling and rising and falling, enormous jagged structures of ice the only thing for the waves to break upon. Purple holds more oceans still, but with waves of magical energy that crash onto the brilliant white sands of pristine, glittering beaches. They pass by an emerald green disk, and Magnus pulls out the compact, looking between the disk and compact with realization dawning across his face. Funny. Angus would have thought Taako would be more interested in this one, for some reason.

            “Taako, to answer your question, this is the next thing that’s bigger. This is our planar system. You see, this disk-” he gestures to the first.

            “Is the Prime Material Plane,” Lucas speaks and Angus says quietly in unison, watching in fascination.

            “We’re smack dab in the middle of our planar universe, which is the next step up from our observable universe. And each of these are different planes of existence, with different energies, that interact with the different planes in different ways. The sharing of these unique energies informs the makeup of our world as we know it.”

            “And then what’s bigger than this?” Merle gestures all around, victorious, as if sure this will stump Lucas. Angus has to wonder though. What is bigger than all of this?

            “Let’s start with this: there are six basic building blocks, right? Your elemental planes, so, water, fire, earth, and air-” Lucas says as he points.

            “And they all lived in harmony until!” Magnus yells.

            “Until nothing? They still do?” Lucas looks at Magnus in confusion. “Anyway, four elemental planes and then the planes of light and shadow.” He points to these two. “Taako, I’m sure from your studies, you’re familiar with this?”    

            “Hell yeah, my dude. I could Blink right over to the Ethereal Plane right now if I wanted.”

            “Right, the Ethereal Plane! That one acts as a kind of filter for the raw energies, so we don’t end up all burned or drowned or magicked out the wazoo. Then we’ve got planes that inform the energies of life itself, like the Plane of Thought, the source of logic, emotion, and reason, and the Plane of Magic, the source of all magical energy.” And Lucas points these out as well.

            “Metal dragons!” Magnus yells as he looks into the emerald disk. Though Angus has to wonder if he’d even recognize a dragon if he saw one.

            “Right.”

            “I have a house there.”

            “You sound like you’re joking, but with the references you make… anyway, then you’ve got the Celestial Plane, where divine beings reside-”

            “Is that Pan?” Merle yells, standing on his toes and peering into the disk. They get a glimpse of an actual dragon, and Merle steps back.

            “And then the Astral Plane, where our souls retire when we, uh, you know.”

            “You know?” Taako holds a finger up to his lips

            “Well, when we… die.”

            “Wow, way to put a damper on the cool science lesson, Lucas,” Carey says.

            Angus, however, is looking around. “Where is the disk for the Astral Plane?”

            “Oh, it’s-”

            “Hey there are only eleven!” Magnus exclaims.

            “You holding out on us, Lucas?” Taako asks.

            “Well, I, uh, I broke it. Which is kind of a complication, actually, because. Anyway. So, as you found out with the, um, the compact there, which I’d really like back,” Lucas says, gesturing to Magnus. Magnus holds it away from Lucas, who sighs. “But gemstones and crystals, when they grow into perfect circles, like, they can’t be cut, it’s gotta be natural- certain crystals can resonate with the twelve planes that make up our planar system. Like, alexandrite for the Prime Material Plane and ruby for fire and so on.”

            “Yeah, everybody knows that,” Magnus says as he rolls his eyes. Angus rolls his own, recognizing the lie for what it is.

            “I knew that!” Merle agrees.

            “Nobody knew that.”

            “Well, I did.” Merle puts his hands on his hips.

            “Don’t get discouraged, little man. Go ahead with what you’re saying. Taako’s enjoying the, uh, the lesson.”

            “Right, so, my grandfather found a crystal. An emerald that had grown perfectly into a circle. And when he looked into it, he could see into the Plane of Thought. And he saw the most remarkable things, truly unimaginable.”

            “And he made an elevator.” Angus points out.

            “Other stuff too!”

            “Because you’ve been cheating,” Magnus adds, nodding along.

            Lucas sighs. “I guess, I guess you could call it cheating. If you were going to be mean about taking just a little inspiration from the Plane of Thought.”

            “Cheating,” Taako reiterates.

            “Lucas?”

            “Hm?”

            “Is it possible that through tampering with and connecting across these planes, you might have gotten the attention of something you shouldn’t have?” Magnus finishes his question.

            “Definitely not!”

            But that’s not a bad idea. That’s not a bad idea at all. “Really, sir? Because something is tearing rifts in the fabric of this reality and possessing crystal and getting clerics disarmed.”

            “That was Magnus’s fault!”

            “I was saving your life!”

            Lucas is shaking his head through Magnus and Merle’s argument. “No, no… look, we’ve, my family and I have sort of led the Industrial Revolution for generations now mostly due to that compact. And because of that compact, that mirror into another plane, my mother, Maureen, started to come up with this idea of creating other mirrors to see into other worlds. But it’s really hard to do, you know? Because, as we found out and as you now know, you can’t cut these gemstones to create mirrors.”

            It clicks. “The Philosopher’s Stone.” Angus jerks his head up to stare at Lucas.

            Lucas deflates at Angus’s realization. “Right.”

            “So you were using the Philosopher’s Stone… to create all this.” Magnus waves a hand around.

            “Well, just, just the mirrors. I, _we_ , when we got the Philosopher’s Stone, we used it to transmogrify pools of water into different gemstones, to figure out which ones resonate with the different planes. And oh boy, we went through a bunch of stinkers, ones that didn’t resonate with anything. But we created these, these twelve different mirrors and figured out which ones corresponded with each of the different planes. And, I, uh, I mean, my mom did all the math on trajectories and things… that was how I broke the mirror for the Astral Plane though, I was trying to get its trajectory just right, because it, uh, it got a little askew after… uh, my mom, well, passed on to the Astral Plane. And I broke it.”

            “Smooth move, Lucas,” Merle shakes his head, disappointment clear on his face.

            “Ha, uh, yeah. So I need to make a new one. Well. You’re, you’re probably not gonna let me do that. You’re not gonna let me play around with the Philosopher’s Stone anymore to make one, are ya?” Lucas finishes with an awkward laugh.

            “No, no, definitely not. No more fancy transmutation magic for you! That shit’s dangerous!” Taako wags a finger at Lucas.

            “I mean, we know what it is to want the complete set, but…” Magnus shrugs.

            “I think the end of the world outweighs finishing up your experiment.”

            “Sure, sure, but this is… that’s what this all was for. Completing the Cosmoscope, completing my mother’s biggest project, to see the whole planar system at once. And, Merle, you asked a very important question earlier that I kind of took a detour around, but I want to get back to.”

            “Hm? Question?” Merle looks surprised. But Angus remembers.

            Angus and Lucas start at the same time, “That question was-”

 

* * *

 

            Lucas freezes mid-statement. Carey and Killian freeze. Noelle, wandering through the different mirrors, freezes. The orbit of the disks stops.

            _Angus_ freezes.

            It seems like the world is holding its breath. Taako holds his.

            “What’s bigger than this?” A familiar and ominous voice says from behind them.

            “I’m not turning around!” Merle hisses.

            “Should… should we turn around?” Taako queries. Angus looks fine; everyone looks fine. They’re just not moving. They’re fine. They’re definitely fine.

            “I’m turning around!” Magnus responds as he turns. Taako turns as well, Umbra Staff at the ready, the incantation for Magic Missile already on his lips. Magnus rushes in, swinging his axe at the Red Robe. It passes right through him, Magnus staggering forward upon meeting no resistance. Well then, no point in Taako exerting any effort. He lowers the Umbra Staff.

            “Oh ho, look at me, I’m a Red Robe!” Magnus stays, standing in the middle of the incorporeal Red Robe.

            “Okay, excuse me?” The Red Robe says as he floats up and out of reach.

            “Uh-huh!” Magnus exclaims.

            “Uh… sup?” The Red Robe asks, almost, almost shrugging there. But more important things to worry about.

            Taako points an imperious finger. “Fix him.”

            “Fix… him?” The Red Robe looks between Taako and Angus, still frozen and facing the other direction.

            “Fix the magic boy. Come on, jig is up, and I’m not dealing with the hundred thousand questions if he isn’t around for this shit. Fix. Him.”

            The Red Robe seems almost confused for a moment. Which should be harder to sense than it is, given his lack of face. But in a moment Angus takes a breath and starts to continue, “-what’s bigger than-”

            “Uh, one sec, Ango.” Taako taps on Angus’s shoulder, and Angus blinks, quickly taking in everyone else frozen and Tres Horny Boys not quite where he was expecting them to be. Angus whirls around and freezes again, though this time isn’t magic, just plain old stopping to stare at the Red Robe.

            “Um… hi?” The Red Robe waves awkwardly. Angus’s wand is in his hand in an instant, flicking in just the way Taako taught him, and in the next, a blast of white and blue soars out of his wand, flying square at the Red Robe, who makes no effort to avoid it. “Uh, ow, I guess?”

            “Did that actually hurt you?” Magnus asks, surprised.

            “No, not really. But I didn’t want him to feel bad about it! And just… something surprised me.” Taako gets the distinct impression that the Red Robe is looking at him, and he feels his own ears flick upward. “Never mind.”

            “Uh, sirs? What the _fuck_?”

            “We’re trying to figure that out, too, kid.” Merle shrugs.

            “What… what happened?”

            “Well, you know, the Red Robe froze you guys and then I attacked him, and that didn’t work because he’s intangible, so I stood in him, and he floated up, and then Taako made him unfreeze you.” Magnus lists off things, ticking them off on his fingers as he goes.

            “And then you cast Ray of Frost!” Taako claps a hand on Angus’s shoulder. “Good job! You actually hit something, Agnes! And, uh, good form and all that.” All of the color has drained out of Angus’s face. “Hey. Uh, listen, it’s, it’s okay. For now. I mean, if it weren’t, we’d all be dead already, probably, you know.” Angus shakes his head, snapping out of it a little.

            “When we last spoke, in the office, I spoke to you about the hunger of all living things.” The Red Robe starts, returning to the usual theatrics.

            “Uh-huh,” Magnus nods along. Taako keeps his hand on Angus’s shoulder. He’s shaking a little.

            The Red Robe gestures to all of the disks representing all of the planes. “This is the power it seeks. The power of creation itself.”

            “Got it,” Magnus says. Taako finds himself nodding along with Magnus as well.

            “A billion billion lives have been consumed by this hunger in pursuit of its power.”

            “A billion billion?”

            “Yes.”

            “That’s a lot.”

            “It sure is, b- it sure is.” The Red Robe repeats before waving another hand. The trash crate next to Lucas’s lectern tips over, and more disks spill out. Well, not like a little more mess is gonna make much of a difference around here, right? Lucas probably won’t even notice.

            What Taako notices, what all four of them notice, is one disk in particular, a black disk, with speckles of color scattered through, red, green, yellow, and blue. The disk begins to shake, clattering against the floor, as black clouds begin to pour out, creeping ominously and implacably outward. It seems to consume each of the other disks in its path, and sounds like screams, thousands upon millions of screams, seem to call out from each disk in its path.

            And eventually, it gets to the Prime Material Plane, and, ears quivering, Taako feels ready to throw up even inside his null suit helmet as that plane, the one representing their whole world and everything in it, is consumed as well. Angus is shaking harder now.

            The Red Robe snaps fingers that don’t exist. And it’s gone, all back as it was. “There is no more running. There is no escape. This world is life’s last chance.”

            “Who are you?” Magnus asks, already on the defensive, Railsplitter out even though they all know it won’t do anything. Taako raises the Umbra Staff again.

            “It’s not time for me to tell you that yet.”

            “What time will you tell me then?”

            “In like… a while, Magnus. You three are on the-” The Red Robe looks at Taako. And more specifically, at the Umbra Staff pointed his way. “Taako? Taako, where did you find that umbrella?” An urgency that hadn’t been there when the Red Robe had apparently been discussing the end of the world is heavy in his voice.

            “Yeah, I, uh, took it off this dead thug in a red robe? Dead guy, super dead, definitely in a red robe?”

            “You f- you-” The Red Robe seems to be struggling to breathe, though Taako knows such a thing to be unnecessary for him.

            “Totes dead! Skeleton!” Magnus says.

            “Dead elf,” Angus whispers, and Taako thinks the Red Robe hears even that.

            “We didn’t kill ‘em though!”

            “Nope, he was long dead!” Magnus says.

            “No problem, no problem here.”

            The Red Robe is shuddering, has been since he spotted the Umbra Staff. He starts to spark with red electricity, at first contained, and then strips of red lightning begin streaking outward as he says, “Wha- What? Where di- What did you? You FOUND HER?” The red lighting erupts into flames, and the Red Robe vanishes.

            “That was a lady?” Merle asks, before the world restarts.

            “What’s bigger than this?” Lucas finishes his question.

            “We’ve already- you know what, go on with your presentation, Lucas,” Taako flaps a hand, ears sagging as they four, suddenly even more exhausted and in need of a pocket spa break, turn back to Lucas.

            But before Lucas can restart, Noelle says, “Huh. Well, that’s weird.” They turn to the robot, to where she’s floating next to the disk for the Ethereal Plane. Taako thinks he catches a glimpse of more of those weird gray dudes with the big white eyes, but they vanish in an instant. Taako turns his gaze to Noelle. She’s got that scanner from earlier out, and it’s glowing green. “I still had my scanner out from detecting that undead energy earlier… it’s, I’m picking up, it’s… one of you guys isn’t a lich… are you?”

            “I’m not!”

            “Nope, not to the best of my knowledge.” Taako shrugs.

            “No way.” Angus shakes his head.

            “No, but I have a couple of liches that are friends!” Merle yells.

            “No, you don’t.”

            “Yes, I do.”

            “…I guessing my scanner is just on the fritz, I guess.” Noelle shrugs as well.

            “You’re sensing a lich?” Magnus makes eye contact with Taako, Angus, and Merle. Taako’s got some suspicions about just what it is Noelle was picking up, and ooh boy, that’s a lot to unpack right there.

            “Wait, what’s a lich again?” Merle asks, seeming to have forgotten that he just proclaimed to know several liches.

            “An undead magic user. They combine their life’s essence with pure magic and transcend physical form. But you have… you have to willfully do that. And most don’t. Most couldn’t even try.” Angus answers. Hm. Okay then. Taako flicks his ears and tilts his head, considering.

            It’s at this point that Lucas discovers the only evidence that the Red Robe was even here. “Did… did one you kick over my rubbish bin when I wasn’t looking?” He asks, baffled. “I don’t even know how I missed that…”

            “I mean, it sounds like us… but no.” Magnus says. “No, we did not kick over your rubbish bin.”

            “Though we’re surprised you actually noticed, with all the trash around here, right, Ango?” At least Angus appears to have stopped shaking. Taako’s not a fan of actually scaring the boy. Just shoving him off trains to make sure he doesn’t actually die.

            “Well, these are… I mean, these are trash, but… these are mirrors I tested out, checked to see if they resonated, but didn’t end up being anything.” The black opal mirror is glinting on the floor. Yeah, Lucas isn’t quite right about that one. Even from here, Taako can see faint white shapes drifting through the black opal surface.

            “Heeeeeeeeeeeey, Lucas?” Magnus approaches both Lucas at the podium and the black opal disk on the floor. “Can IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII have this?” Magnus scoops up the black opal and gestures. Lucas looks surprised.

            “Uh, yeah, I guess? I mean, like I said, it didn’t end up being anything, so, why not, I guess?”

            “Plus it’s not like you paid for it, what with the Philosopher’s Stone and all,” Taako calls, while Magnus pockets the disk, ignoring the confused looks from Carey and Killian.

            “Wait, you’re not gonna sell it, right? I mean, it is still a scientific instrument, even though it didn’t go anywhere.”

            “Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm no?” Magnus answers as a question, though all four of them know it’s the truth. “Oh! Also, the uh, the spirit, we mentioned earlier? The singing one? Talked about seeing beyond the plane? You know anything about that?”

            “The what? You what?”

            “The spirit. The one that was singing, the one that showed up right before the crinkle tinkles and then the British guy who took Merle’s arm off?”

            “Oh yeah! That definitely sounds like it’s related to all this planar stuff!” Merle waves a hand around.

            “Yeah, all the songs talked about this stuff!” Taako agrees. Angus doesn’t say anything; he just looks like he’s thinking.

            “What? What songs?” Lucas looks between all of them, confused. To be entirely fair, Carey and Killian look bewildered as well.

            “Oh, you know.” Magnus clears his throat before launching into a particularly bad rendition. “Here in my crystal kiiiiiiiiiiingdooooooooooom.”

            “Well. We, uh, we should probably get going. We’ve got about fifty minutes left now.”

 

* * *

 

            They really didn’t need a forty minute detour on how the universe works and apparently how that’s all a moot point because the end is nigh or whatever the Red Robe said, but Magnus doesn’t mind much. It’s… well, it was informative. Seems like they’re not carving with a full set of tools right now, and Magnus has half a mind to go full Angus and investigate the shit out of this mystery.

            But, uh, they do have to, you know, keep the lump of rock they’re floating over from turning into a far pinker and far less hospitable hunk of rock. Magnus watches as Lucas places his hand over a red panel on the elevator. It goes green, and the telltale ding of an elevator approaches. “You guys ready to get down there and finally stop this?”

            “Lucas. What actually _is_ down there?” Magnus asks. Look, it’s not like he’s _not_ going to rush in, but, uh, some forewarning might be nice.

            “Should just be, uh, well, you know one of my robots attacked me, but… we should be fine. With the power of teamwork and friendship!”

            “When has that ever worked for us though?” Merle asks.

            “The power of love worked last Grand Relic!” Magnus retorts.

            “Yeah, but… people still died.” Taako says before leaning in to hiss at Magnus, “My money’s on Merle.”

            “He hasn’t died yet, sir,” Angus pipes up after wincing at the mention of the Gaia Sash.

            “Unappreciated, I tell you!” Merle turns. “Killian, Carey, you’ve gotta-” A pause. Magnus turns to face the Regulators as well, frowning.

            Killian and Carey have drawn weapons, crossbow and a truly baffling number of knives respectively. “Lucas, the only place you’re going is the pokey.” Killian says.

            “Well, timing!” Magnus exclaims, gesturing. Because, really, that couldn’t be worse.

            “We’ve got orders, Magnus! From the Director? Remember that? Like, two hours ago?”

            “I do! But this couldn’t wait until _after_ he helped us get the Philosopher’s Stone?”

            “I’m not letting him get anywhere _near_ the Philosopher’s Stone. I don’t trust him as far as I can throw him, which is actually a bad example, because I could throw him pretty far… I don’t trust him as far as Angus could throw him!”

            “Hey!”

            “She’s right, Agnes.”

            “I could throw him farther than you, sir. Probably.”

            “Did I say you couldn’t?”

            “What are you gonna do with him though?” Magnus asks. He can see that Noelle looks anxious again, almost wringing her hands together.

            “Gonna take him, extract him, and throw him in prison,” Killian answers, business-like.

            “What about a trial?” Angus asks, eyeing Lucas, who’s looking remarkably ill at ease.

            “Angus, we already all know he took the Philosopher’s Stone. And he used it.” Carey answers.

            “Oh, sure, that’ll hold up in fantasy court.”

            “Okay, let’s say you just dump him in prison. You’re just going to leave us to deal with all this?” Magnus waves an arm around, at the general crystalline nature of things.

            “That’s your job! You guys can handle it! You’re the Reclaimers! Well, most of you are. But that’s also my point! We, me, Carey, and even you, Angus, can’t do it. If we get too close to the thing, it might end up tempting us, and we need to get outta here before we get close. But it’ll definitely tempt this motherfucker! It’s probably tempting him right now! We’re taking this guy to jail!”

            Lucas holds up his hands, nervous. “Hey. Merle, Magnus, Taako, Angus… come on, help me out. I can help you guys stop this thing.”

            Magnus lets out a long breath as he actually takes a moment to think. “All right, here’s the deal. Killian, Carey, take him back to the med bay and lock yourselves in. Leave his Stone of Farspeech on him. He can communicate with us and help us through. And Lucas, if you help… I will plead your case.”

            “It’ll look better for you, sir.” Of course Angus immediately catches on.

            “Right. I’ll tell the Director you were cooperative, that your input was valuable, that-”

            “We don’t _have_ a court, fantasy or otherwise! Because it’s that simple! He used a Grand Relic! He knew not to do that! That means prison!”

            “Yeah, _we know_ , Killian,” Taako drawls. “But, uh, Lucas didn’t know we knew, so great job playing along with the plan. Really made our lives easier there, you did.”

            “I don’t tell you how to recover Relics; you don’t tell me how to Regulate!” Killian’s glowering, and a lesser, less rustically hospitable man would cower. The blue lighting is really making her look more intimidating.

            “But you do! Like all the time!” Magnus shoots back. “So how about nobody lectures on anybody’s job because we’re going to have to get through this together!”

            Wait. Where did the blue lighting come from?

            The blue light, pouring forth _through_ the crystal beneath their feet, coming up out of the elevator suddenly rushes forward in a flash. The room shakes around them, and suddenly they’re standing in a room of blue sapphire. Another flash, and emerald green. And the colors keep coming, the room’s shaking a near constant hum, until it all skids to a halt, settling on amethyst.

            “Well… that was eventful. So, we good? Have we… did that just miraculously solve our argument or what?” Magnus asks hopefully.

            “What? No! We’re still taking him back!”

            “Gang. Listen.” They all pause, turning to look at Lucas. He suddenly looks much less nervous. “We don’t have time for this.”

            There’s a sudden feeling of heat at the panel on Magnus’s wrist, and suddenly purple crackles of electricity erupt from them, lashing over each and every one of them. And nearly in unison, they crumple.

            “I am so, so sorry,” Lucas says as he looks down over all of them.

            “Somehow I sincerely doubt your sincerity, sir,” Angus yells from somewhere out of Magnus’s suddenly much more limited line of vision.

            Magnus yells, “Yeah, you know what, dickhole? Like I was fighting for you, you ass!”

            Lucas doesn’t respond. He disappears into the elevator.

            “Ooh, I am absolutely going to murder that man,” Killian says, booming voice much quieter than usual.

            “Yeah, yeah, yeah…” Magnus mumbles, investigating. He can lift his head to look around, and he can move his hands, but everything else is, uh, _not great_.

            “Gonna absolutely murder…” Killian trails off. Magnus cranes his head. She’s out. Beyond her, Carey isn’t moving either.

            “Can’t feel my legs, lost my arm… great, I’m down to one freakin’ arm!” Merle yells.

            Noelle floats by, apparently unsure what to do or how to help, at least that’s what she’s mumbling to herself about as she goes.

            Magnus can hear Taako attempting jokes, so he’s at least not… unconscious.

            Okay. So they’re all some combination of paralyzed or unconscious, and Lucas is on his way to the Grand Relic. No big deal. They can fix this. They can figure something out.

            And then there are crinkle tinkles.

            “Fuck!” Magnus manages to get out, the gasp still fading as the song starts.

            “Saved from the darkness by my child,

            Locked in a cage of glass and steel,

            But my true love remains in exile,

            Beckoning me to break the seal,

            Into this crystal kingdom.”

            The last of the haunting inhuman words are not enough to cover the now familiar ( _too_ familiar) sound of a rift being torn through reality. There’s a pause. The crystals the golem had been possessing earlier rattle and rise -and Magnus spots Merle’s hand among them- and whirl and form another crystal golem.

            A jagged, menacing shadow that very much does not belong to Noelle, the only member of the party still standing, crosses over Magnus’s body. “Well, this is hardly fair.”

 

* * *

 

            The crystal golem hasn’t attacked them. That’s a, uh, that’s a plus in Taako’s book, as far as the evening’s gone so far. Instead the golem is just wandering around, occasionally leaning ominously over one of them. Taako had tried to wink when it’d been his turn for another stare down, but even that one is pushing it what with this whole bullshit paralysis thing. “I mean, with who you lot are and all, I expected at least something of a challenge… but, really, this, this is gonna be a lot easier than I thought.”

            Once he’s thoroughly investigated Taako, Magnus, and Merle (and Taako is pretty sure he saw the crystal golem nudge Merle with his foot, somehow conveying utter skepticism without a face), the crystal golem produces a book made of light from somewhere out of the ether and is hovering around with it. He flips through it, occasionally looking up, or rather down at someone. He looks between the book and Killian, the book and Carey, the book and Angus…

            The crystal golem shuts the book with a snap, nodding decisively as it disappears. “Well, looks like you three aren’t on the naughty list, so, uh, looks like it’s just the three of you on a one way trip back to the Astral Plane. And for shame. Getting a child involved in your scheme.”

            “What?” Magnus and Merle ask in unison. Taako would ask, but, uh, that’s still a little difficult at the moment.

            The crystal golem seems to spot something outside of Taako’s line of sight. Noelle floats into view as she scoots backward. “Oh hold on!” The light of the book reappears, and Taako squints around it, unable to lift a hand to shield his eyes. “Okay, make that the four of you. Got a lotta troublemakers up here, don’t you? Bit higher percentage than average, you know? Not that many of you walking around on the planet proper. No, you all have to be floating up here, don’t even have the decency to try to hide in a cave.”

            His ears must not be thoroughly paralyzed, because Taako can feel those pulled back. Magnus and Angus start talking at the same time.

            “Uh… Mr. Cockney Golem?”

            “Excuse me, sir?”

            There’s a pause for what would be a comedic waving of hands to offer the figurative microphone to talk if any of them could sufficiently move for such a thing.

            “Mr. Cockney Golem sir?” Magnus tries, splitting the difference. “I feel like you have us mistaken for somebody else? We’re from _this_ plane.”

            “Yes, by your own logic, sir, you can’t be taking them _back_ to the Astral Plane, because they’ve never been there to leave. And, for the record, I thoroughly involved myself in all associated schemes of my own volition. I’m not just a child! I have agency!”

            “Oh, is that right? Have I got it twisted?”

            Magnus and Angus again speak in unison.

            “Uh, yeah?”

            “Yes.”

            Merle isn’t saying anything, and Taako knows it’s not because he can’t. Taako spares a moment to wonder if Merle is attempting to use crying as a defense mechanism again. Because it worked so well the first time.

            “Oh, well, this is the first time one of my bounties has told me something like this! And no child’s ever been hypnotized by one of them either! I trust you, I believe you, you’re all free to go.” The crystal golem’s Cockney-accented voice is dripping with sarcasm. Taako becomes very conscious that there’s a piece of hair on his face, and it _itches_.

            “I feel like you’re being insincere,” Magnus says.

            “Wot? No! No, no, there’s no way you’d be fibbin’ about this.” Taako attempts to purse his lips and blow the piece of hair out of his face. It doesn’t move. Fuck. Something bumps his hand. He ignores it.

            “But, like, bounty? What’s the bounty? Who are you looking for?”

            “And are you…” Angus trails off. Taako’s pretty sure he’s thinking, and either Angus wants more evidence before asking a question he knows the answer to or he’s made a conclusion, and the answer is, uh, _not great for them_.

            The golem laughs, a mixture of actual laughter and grating crystal. “In this particular laboratory, I am looking for a number of people. There’s a lot of action to be had here tonight.” Taako would gladly make a remark to make the golem uncomfortable, but he’s still focused on getting the hair out of his face, and that’s proving to be enough of a challenge. Something bumps his hand again, but not like he can look to investigate anyway. “So. While I’m not exactly on a, uh, tight schedule right about now, might as well get started.” There’s a shattering sound; the golem hit a chunk of his left arm off, so now that’s just floating in the air.

            Huh. That’s in no way ominous, right? No way that’s gonna come back to bite them in the butt, right?

            “Right, so, Merle. Ah, there you are.” Taako can’t see, but there’s a sound like two rocks colliding. Which, Merle might have that tough dwarven constitution, but no one here’s gone around casting Stoneskin, so… “Oh man. That’s embarrassing. You’re just. You’re lying perfectly still. I should. I’m usually better than this. I’ve got performance anxiety. You know how it is.”

            “Don’t worry about it. I’m sure you did the best you could.” Why Merle is attempting to comfort the crystal golem that has tried to kill them several times already and is actively trying to kill them now, Taako is unsure. But, hey, who’s Taako to judge when, as Merle shouts something, the purple magic that had crept over him and sunk in its claws releases its grip on Taako and flies off. Freed, Taako immediately shakes his head, getting the hair out of his face once and for all.

            There’s a nudging at his hand again. Taako looks down. The Umbra Staff, which he’d dropped along with everything else when he’d collapsed, had been scattered off to the side. “Had been,” being the operative phrase. Unlike literally any other spellcasting focus Taako’s ever seen in his life, the Umbra Staff managed to subtly scoot itself back over to him and into his hand. Well, Taako’s not gonna look a gift binicorn in the mouth.

            Besides. He’s got a spell just calling the crystal golem’s name. Speaking of which:

            “Hey, thug, what’s your name? I’m about to tentacle your dick.” Taako yells, voice bouncing off the crystalline walls. From his position half sitting up, Taako can see the golem, still looming over Merle and preparing to attack again, stiffen. Taako grins, gleefully evil and evilly gleeful, as the golem peeks over his shoulder. “Hey, hey, hey. I’m gonna get you into some tent porn.” The crystal golem starts to turn. “Let me get that name real quick so I know how to credit you in my tentacle porn I’m about to make with your body.” The crystal golem is fully facing him now, and Taako’s grin widens. The golem doesn’t move, or answer. “Hey, you heard me. I didn’t stutter. You froze me, bocephus! I hated it!” Technically that had been Lucas, but uh, this chucklefuck’s given them enough trouble tonight.

            Said chucklefuck hesitates, before blurting out, “My name’s Kravitz.”

            Kravitz. Cool. Black tentacles erupt all around _Kravitz_ , not immediately attacking, but waiting, threatening to lash out at anything within range the instant it moves again.

            And call him vindictive, but Taako’s looking forward to that.

 

* * *

 

            Angus’s mind has been racing since the moment the panel on his null suit had started to heat up, and he’d known, he’d _known_ , that something bad was about to happen. It feels as though he could have protested, intuition could have staved off the worst of the paralysis. But even as Angus fell to the ground, there’d been the feeling that something still worse was coming. Is still coming.

            As such, when he collapses to the ground, he’s left with the ability to move his head and his hands and not much else. And also with the remaining feeling of impending doom. It’d been amplified a little when the golem, Kravitz, had been looking between his book and Angus, but there’s the distinct feeling that something is still waiting for them. Something faintly familiar.

            But now’s not the time to worry about that. There are more immediate problems facing them.

            Angus still has his wand, clenched in his hand. His bag on the other hand? That might as well have been thrown across the room, because he fell on top of it, and there’s no way to reach it right now. That leaves spells.

            If Angus cranes his neck, he can see Kravitz. Can’t really point his wand in the right direction to shoot Magic Missile at him, so all three of those might very well miss. Thunderwave will hit everyone else, too. Most of his other spells aren’t good in combat.

            So Angus casts one that Taako whined about and swore the Director made him teach Angus, though Angus is pretty sure he’d been lying about that. Angus casts Shield.

            Meanwhile, Magnus is yelling at Lucas, presumably through the Stone of Farspeech. “Lucas, you son of a bitch, if you can hear me, when this guy gets done with us he’s coming for you. Do you really want that to happen? Dispel the magic and let me fight him!” Angus cranes his head, trying to listen in. There’s no response. “Lucas, you son of a bitch, if we get out of this, forget Kravitz McCrystal-Golem, _I’m_ coming after you.” There’s a sound like shattering glass and stone cracking at the same time. “Lucaaaaaaaaaaaas,” Magnus calls, a warning in his voice, while Angus realizes the truth of the matter: Lucas destroyed his Stone of Farspeech. “Noelle, do you know how to undo whatever Lucas did with the suits?” Magnus changes track.

            “I can try.” Noelle floats over to Magnus, but her experimental prods at the panel have no effect. Angus can already see Kravitz turning back to Merle, ignoring the black tentacles. “Oh, uh, shoot, I don’t- I mean, I can point ya at what you wanna hit, but I don’t know wh- I don’t know how much help I’ll be,” Noelle says, doubt and worry twining together in her voice.

            It still seems to give Magnus an idea. “Huh. Interesting. Yes please. Stand me up.” And, careful to avoid the crystal floor and struggling against Magnus’s dead weight, Noelle pulls the fighter up to standing, floating behind him. “Great! Now swing me at him!”

            “Magnus, I-”

            “Noelle, please. Launch me!” Magnus yells, one hand wrapped around Railsplitter. And Noelle swings Magnus, and Magnus swings Railsplitter, and the sound of impact rings out through the room.

            Well, at least one of them can be useful, Angus thinks to himself.

            Kravitz moves to attack Merle.

            And then that same sound from a moment ago rings out again in series, louder, more grating, crystal cracking against crystal as Taako’s conjured tentacles attack, breaking pieces off of Kravitz with a clatter, crushing others to mere fragments easily.

            But then the shard, the one Kravitz had snapped off himself earlier, explodes outward.

            And Angus can’t avoid it, not entirely, not when he can barely move. The Shield he’d cast moments earlier blunts the damage, deflecting most of the bits of crystal off to the side, but not entirely. So while Merle yells, Magnus hisses, and Taako, unconscious, collapses to the ground again, Angus screams as bits of crystal make contact. And then it’s over.

            “Oh, shit, oh, fuck. I hit a kid. Fuck, I hit a fuckin’ _kid_. I’m so, I’m sorry, that wasn’t, that wasn’t supposed to happen! Fuck! I hit a kid!” Kravitz sounds panicked as he snaps himself free of the tentacles, floating backward out of reach, but the horror is clear in his voice.

            “Yeah, you fuckin’ did, sir. Fuck!” Angus yells.

            But the pain immediately diminishes, the stabbing pain sharp in his mind dulling as holy light sweeps over Angus and the rest of his party. Merle’s magic quickly soothes the pain from sharp, to dull, to faint, to faded. And nothing. Angus feels fine. Angus is perfectly fine.

            “Thanks, sir!”

            “Wow, good competent healing, Merle!” Magnus yells, too.

            “What are you talking about; that was great!”

            “I know! I was being sincere; sometimes I just sound sarcastic!”

            “Well, how was I supposed to know?”

            “So, uh, what did I miss?” Taako, restored to functional elf wizard, looks around. He spots Magnus, drooping in Noelle’s arms as she struggles to keep him aloft. “Let’s see… no dispel magic to fix legs… so we’ll make them instead!” Taako exclaims with a snap before lifting his hand. And as Noelle drops Magnus, she doesn’t drop him onto the floor but onto Garyl.

            “Yo, what’s up? What’s cool?” The binicorn says, coolly. Angus takes aim at Kravitz, sticking out his tongue the slightest bit as he concentrates. Taako says that helps sometimes.

            “Garyl!” Magnus exclaims happily, taking advantage of the fact that he can use his hands to pat the horse he’s currently draped over.

            White and blue bursts forth from Angus’s wand, skirting past Kravitz, mostly missing but icing over the spot where Kravitz had broken off a chunk of his arm for the crystal bomb. “That’s for exploding all over us!” Angus yells.

            “Okay, I will, I will admit, probably deserved that. Definitely, definitely deserved that. Have I said I’m sorry yet? I’m sorry I hit you specifically with the crystal bomb.”

            “Hey, thug, wait a sec, you hit Agnes?!” Taako yells. Oh, yeah, he likely hadn’t seen that happen, what with the falling unconscious and all.

            “To be fair, I hit him back just now, sir!”

            “Fuck yeah, Agnes! Fuck him up!”

            “So what’s up?” Garyl continues talking to Magnus, unfazed by the other conversation occurring.

            “Garyl, listen. I want you to leap over him.”

            “Yeah, no problem, dog. Just leap over him?”

            “Yes, please!”

            “Okay, uh, that was… you know, I mean, I’m beautiful, I’m powerful, but I’m also just, a, uh, I have the physical stats of a regular horse.”

            “Well, dunk. Can you-” Magnus spots something, and Angus turns his head to see Kravitz preparing to stab Merle again, now flanked by _two_ glowing chunks of crystalline time bomb. “Now hold on,” Magnus somehow manages to wiggle his shield into his hand and throw it.

            It deflects Kravitz’s blow. Kravitz, distracted, looks between his arm, impaled in the floor next to Merle once again, and Magnus’s shield lying on the floor. “I don’t even know how that worked with like, physics. I mean, I’m trying to figure out how that worked, and I just can’t make sense of it.”

            “Conservation of momentum and simple collision physics, sir!” Angus yells out from his place on the floor. He observes, somewhat wryly, to himself that amethyst isn’t exactly the most comfortable surface to be lying on.

            More holy light slips out of Merle to latch onto Magnus, but, unlike with Taako earlier, only the tiniest bit of purple energy flits away from Magnus, little more than smoke.

            “Hey, wrists! Oh! Merle! Attack! Wrench! The crystal! Use the wrench to smash the exploding crystal!” Magnus yells from his place on Garyl. Merle swings, hitting the crystal with a solid crack, and it drops to the floor, white fire gone. Magnus yells again, “Taako! The glutton’s fork! Reach into my pocket for the glutton’s fork!”

            “O-kay then?” Taako stands and manages to get the fork from Magnus. “Uh… now what?” He asks, waving it around.

            “Use the fork! Eat the crystal! You’ll feel better.”

            “No need to shout, Maggie, I’m standing right here. But, uh, can do, I guess?” Taako casually reaches around Kravitz to impale the other floating crystal easily, as if stabbing into a bread roll. As Taako skirts it around a suddenly frozen Kravitz, Angus squints and realizes with a jolt of surprise that the crystal in question is very much… hand shaped.

            Angus isn’t moving. Kravitz isn’t moving. Merle isn’t moving, but that might just be the paralysis. Magnus is grinning, victorious. Taako just shrugs, and opens his helmet, before managing to put the crystal in his mouth in one whole bite. And even at this distance, Angus can see that his color immediately improves, and his ears perk up as Taako says around a mouthful of crystal, “Hey, Merle, you tashte great!”

            “Eat me!” Merle yells in response.

            “‘lready am, m’dude!” Taako yells and then swallows, closing his helmet as he does.

            “Gross, sir!” Angus calls out.

            “So’s your face, Ango!” Taako shoots back. Angus grins.

            “What the fuck is wrong with the three of you? Four of you? Does the kid count? I don’t even know! You guys are fucked up! That’s some sick shit! Oh Queen, I’ve got to regroup. You all, er, you three, not you kid I did not mean to hit, but I promise you, the next time we meet, I’m taking you three in!”

            “But _why_?” Magnus asks. Taako is too busy waving Kravitz off to ask, and Merle is still lying on the floor. Presumably not wanting to draw attention to himself, considering how often Kravitz attacks him anyway.

            “You know why!” Kravitz yells as the ball of white fire that he truly is flits out of the crystal form, which drops to the floor with a clatter.

            “But I don’t!” Magnus responds as Kravitz disappears through another rift.

            The funny thing is, Angus thinks he might just have the answer to that. The only problem?

            The answer makes no sense.

 

* * *

 

            Taako, the only fully un-paralyzed member of the party, pops up the pocket spa, while Noelle does the actual heavy lifting on dragging people in. As she pulls Merle in, he looks up to see Magnus, still on Garyl, both comfortably fitting in the space of the pocket spa. And he shrugs.

            Adult life is already so goddamn weird.

            They need the recovery time as well, both to patch their pitiful HP and get rid of the remaining paralysis.

            But they still need to stop Lucas and save the world and all. Yadda yadda yadda. Same old job, same old shit. Even if, you know, Merle _does_ have a vested interest in making sure the world doesn’t end.

            As they exit the pocket spa, Carey gasps, and Merle quickly looks around for Kravitz or more crystal or lying gods. Oh. Carey’s just pointing at Killian. Well, Merle knew about that; everyone knows about that.

            But what Carey is actually pointing to, is a crack in the back of Killian’s helmet. She must have landed hard during that whole paralysis mess. “Oh, Killian, no, no!” Carey yells, distressed, tail lashing. “You can’t go on like that; it’s super dangerous!”

            Killian feels around for the back of her helmet, and Merle can see the frustration bloom on her face as she finds the crack. “Oh my god. This- I- Oh. My. God. This is the most, the _most_ frustrating night. This is the most frustrating thing that’s ever happened. All I want is to go find Lucas and just destroy him. And it’s, it’s not safe for me to go on.”

            “We could swap?” Magnus offers helpfully. Angus is already shaking his head. The fact that he agrees with the kid is really not fazing Merle at all anymore.

            “That’s, uh, that’s real sweet, Magnus, but then you could get crystallized instead, and then where would we be. Even though, uh… we _were_ right about to bust Lucas’s ass when you interrupted, so it’s really all your fault.”

            “Now hold on-” Magnus starts, irritation crossing his face. He’s still astride Garyl. Merle wonders if he’s forgotten this fact.

            “It doesn’t matter now!” Angus interrupts. “We’re- we already lost one person, and we’re not losing you, Killian.” He sticks his chin out, stubborn, Mage Hand-ing his glasses up his nose.

            “You’re right, Angus.” And Killian sighs. “Plus, uh, you know, I don’t think… I don’t think it’s a great idea for me to get that close to the Relic.”

            “What are you talking about?” Taako asks.

            “Well, you remember back when we, uh, met? Wave Echo Cave, Phandalin, the Phoenix Fire Gauntlet? IIIIIIIIIIIII really wanted to grab it and put it on. Like, at Wave Echo Cave before Merle’s asshole cousin -sorry, Merle-”  
            “No offense taken! He was a real asshole! Wait, which of my asshole cousins was it again?” Merle squints, trying to think back to the commune. None of those faces and names match.

            “Gundren, sir.”           

            “Oh yeah!” Geez, he’d really only known Gundren as an adult. Good thing for that. “He really was an asshole though.”

            “So, yeah, I really wanted to grab it and put it on? And get fire powers? And, uh… this is really awkward, but, uh, Taako, when you grabbed it? I really wanted to kill you and take it? And have it? For me?”

            “Ooooooh,” Taako nods sagely. “But, I mean, we all _wanted_ it. It told us we wanted it. The important thing was we all rose above that!”

            “See, I was most definitely not about to do that. Nope, definitely was gonna dive right in and use it. So, I really don’t think… I really don’t want to be near it.” Killian says. Angus is fidgeting as she talks. Merle’s eyes narrow. Huh. The kid isn’t a Reclaimer. And, maybe Merle just avoids thinking about him in general, but he’s never stopped to consider just what happens when _Angus_ gets close to a Relic. Well, Magnus hasn’t had to knock him out yet, but he did have to knock out Taako, so it’s probably fine. Probably.

            “Okay, how about this?” Merle snaps back to attention as Magnus starts talking. “New job for you. You and Noelle get the bugbears out to safety.”

            “You’re the only two not protected from the crystal. It makes sense.” Angus is nodding along.

            “Actually… if it’s okay, I’d like to, uh, I’d like to see this through,” Noelle says, making eye contact, or robot eye to actual eye contact with each of them in turn. “I can tell you how to get out and all so you can find a safe path out, but, uh for me? There’s… there’s something I need to figure out.” She sounds rattled, and Merle remembers how Kravitz didn’t seem to like her much either.

            “Right,” Killian is looking at Carey. “I’m, I’m gonna head out then. Get the bugbears out, keep ‘em safe. Carey, you… get these boys to the finish line, give Lucas hell for me, and don’t be a hero, okay?”

            “Or, and consider this: Carey, be a hero.” Taako pulls his clasped hands apart, gesturing widely. “Great idea, huh? Can always use a hero over here.”

            “Oh yeah, definitely,” Magnus says, nodding along.

            Killian laughs, and she and Carey stare at each other for a few more moments before Killian walks out in the direction of the bugbears. Carey droops a bit. “Well, boys, if, if I’m being honest… I feel considerably less good about our chances now.”

            “Gee, way to be an optimist, Carey,” Merle says, throwing his arms up.

            “Yeah, Debbie Downer.” Taako says.

            “We’ve gotten three Relics before,” Angus points out.

            “Yeah, and the only time a lot of people died was when Killian was with us!” Merle adds.

            “Yeah, plus tonight’s been, uh, real bad, so things can only go up from here!” Magnus exclaims.

            “Sir, we’re going down in the elevator,” Angus says, laughing.

            “Well, after that, then!”

            The elevator doors slide open to reveal a heavy metal grate, the likes of which a nat 20 plus Magnus’s strength modifier couldn’t budge.

            “Well, fuck,” Angus says, eyeing the grate.

            “Noelle?” Merle asks.

            “Uh….” The robot says, perplexed.

            “I guess we did our best?” Carey says. “Time to go home?”

            “What, no!” Taako exclaims. “There’s gotta-”

            A crash interrupts him. The grate and elevator behind it shake violently.

            Another smash. Another shake. The top of the elevator crumples a bit, and there’s a flash of yellow.

            It keeps going. And each time, they see more and more of what appears to be a bright yellow elevator.

            Finally, the crushed elevator falls. And another elevator takes its place.

            “Hey, kids! Did somebody need to go down?”

            Merle blinks, opening and closing his mouth, as he considers how in the _hell_ Upsy Your Lifting Friend managed to get from the Hall of Elevators over to here. And if saving the world is really worth the ride down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there!
> 
> So, work got crazy, and rather more so than expected, plus I had some holiday commitments. Unfortunately, work is liable to be bonkers-crazypants for the foreseeable future, so updates might tend toward the sporadic side, though I'm hoping to try to keep an every three week schedule (but if I suddenly jump to five twelve hour shifts in a row again for a week... I don't do much writing then). But I'm definitely continuing, and I'll be interspersing chapters with other work, because ideas are pesky little gremlins and I can’t not.
> 
> As always, kudos, comment, bookmark, subscribe (either to the fic or just me in general), hit me up at [charmandhex](https://charmandhex.tumblr.com) for updates or other projects.


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